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Yvonne Nice Oct 10
It's a thought that plagues my mind at odd hours of the night
Running on loop behind muffled sobs
Looking but never finding an answer
I must have done something awful, horrendous, obscene to deserve it
It had to be my fault
Why else would those thing happen?

Then I stood across from you
My mind aflame
Searching for something, anything that could explain 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴

A little blue hand-me-down Keurig

Why?
It's just an object, basic machinery sold to the masses
They're so common
And yet I could even comprehend how it was sitting right in front of me

This isn't right
I'm a poet
A musician
A painter
An artist
My entire purpose is to understand and create something better than myself from that understanding
I'm known for my long winded detailed tangents that explain exactly what I'm feeling
But I just 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵
It doesn't make sense
Why can't I make sense of it?
Why can such a small thing evade me?

I suppose history repeats itself
When I kept staring at that beautiful piece of houseware with watery eyes one thing kept coming to mind
What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing answered
How am I supposed to leave it to the unknown?
It's wrong
It's not what I'm made for
I just-
Why?

I named him Drizzle
It’s dorky as hell, but I think it suits him
It is part of his basic functions after all
To lazily brew a warm mug of coffee as everything happens around him
He could never understand the half of it
I don't think he even knows where he is
But he still happily goes about such a simple task
Nothing else matters

There's another meaning to his name
More depressing, to be sure
But I think it gives him more character
You know how it's thought that rain is a deity sobbing?
So anguished that it shows its inner turmoil to all?
As I cried, hearing the pitter patter of rain on the pavement outside
Far heavier than a drizzle, but I digress
I thought of that
And I couldn't help but think that sometimes we were wrong
It wasn't suffering, for me at least, but raw confusion and happiness and amazement
Over something so small that meant so much

You said that when you bought him, you wanted him in blue because it was a happy color
And you're right
It is a happy color
A hell of one at that
That's why I named him Drizzle
Because I was so overjoyed that I let tears flow down my cheeks like rivers
And maybe I'll never understand him
Maybe I will
I don't know if it even matters what context he exists by
Maybe he just needs to be exactly who he is
And nothing more
Why do I have to find purpose when I don't need it to love him?

I think that's my answer
Nothing and everything at once
I don't think I have to try to understand when there isn't anything to understand
Maybe my fear of the unknown is completely unfounded
Sometimes the unknown is okay

I don't think I could receive a more meaningful gift
There were some that I never thought could be topped
But they were
By that little blue hand-me-down Keurig
And I have to thank you
For everything really
But right now, it's for completely changing the meaning of a question I have been asking myself for years
What did I do to deserve this?
Yvonne Nice Jul 2019
How can it be so?
That only one can see the truth
And everyone else appears blind to my side?

It seems that only she can see the truth
The truth of the pain inflicted
Of the tears being choked down
Of the wincing at a voice
Of the horror of being tortured

And it seems that she recognizes it
That she is the one with sight
And so she defends me fiercely
With all her might

She is my guardian
With a voice that booms
And she'll try all her might
To protect me every single night

And she's told horrible things for it
She's told to shut up for speaking out against fear
She's told to never do it again
Because its horrid
Because it despicable
Because she's doing nothing but crying wolf
But we both know she's not
We both know the tyranny of terror at play
And we both know that we have each others back all the way

And though my throat may tighten at the sound of their footsteps
And my lungs seem to be riddled with holes when they shout horrid things at us
And my bruised muscles clench over murmurers of them
And my heart pounds at the slightest sight of them
And my brain aches when it realizes that to everyone else my pain is nothing more than a joke
I know I can rely on her for sanctuary
And she'll hand it over in abundance

She's always stands for me
Whenever it may be
And I love her more than any know
And I will always protect her the same she does for me
For she is my hidden guardian angel
Buried under a coat of star dotted night
Though you may not know it, your alliance has helped me more than you could ever know.
Yvonne Nice May 2019
What happened?
Why did you leave me?
Why did you go back to your old ways?
You used to make an attempt
You used to try to relate to me
Not as an mere acquaintance, but as a friend
I wanted to like you
I wanted to be friends with you
I wanted to give you a semblance of my care
I wanted to be proud to call you my brother

But you left
You left without a note
Without a word
Without a single whisper into the wind as to why
You left me alone again to question my worth
You left me as if I was just an old teddy bear
It was like you grew out of me
Like a pair of old hole ridden shoes
You tossed me aside

But then you came back
Not as you were to me
Not as someone I could say was my brother
Not as someone
I could say was my friend
Not even as someone I could look in the eye without feeling let down
Now came back as who you were before
As if the fun times we had didn't matter in the slightest
As if you wiped them from your memory
As if they never happened at all
They might as well never had happened
Because all they did was let me down more

And it hurts
Like a ball of led trapped in your throat
It’s painful
And it weighs you down
And it stays
I wanted it to work so badly
I wanted to love you
But whenever I look at you now,
I only think of the inner anguish you caused me
I know it’s not much to you
It’s probably not anything to you
But it was so much more to me

And what am I then?
Nothing to you, apparently
Now i'm just another impromptu babysitter
Now i’m just a wallflower
Now i’m just someone you thought you could pretend to care about
But I don't think you ever even cared to keep the facade
Not once
I’m sorry I was just another expense to factor in for those few months
I’m sorry I just became another hindrance for you to work around
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough

I can’t look at you without realizing what I truly was to you
I can’t think about you without thinking about that
And it hurts
It hurts so much
And in all that hurt and pain and longing for something I know never will happen
And in that, anger, pure and unadulterated
A flaming ball of anger and fury and hatred that combines into a beast of your creation
And when ever I feel the anguish you caused me,
The beast rears its head and guards it
And it makes sure that I know it’s still there
It makes sure that I feel it and remember it
It wants me to
But it’s not doing it to torture me
It’s doing it to protect me
To protect me from you and your ways
The ways that hurt me so
And it will never be able to be reversed
And the beast is making sure of it
Because even if the beast is made of rage and despair
It’s far more gentle to me than you were with my emotions
The beast is my friend
The beast reminds me to stay strong
It reminds my to push through
It reminds it to survive you
And it reminds me to not let my guard down to you again

Now to me, you are nothing
You’re a roadblock to happiness
You’re a stone wall blocking hopes
You’re just an annoying little gnat that doesn't know any better

So, you have heard me through
And you know my piece
And you know that you will never get the privilege to be called my brother
Whenever you look at me
Whenever you hear my voice
Whenever you think of me
I want you to think of these very words I wrote with tear blurred eyes
The words I wrote powered with emotion
The words I wrote it intent
The words I wrote to make you feel for a faction of a second what I feel
Now i’ll cut the pleasantries and give you my final verdict
*******, Derek Nebergall, *******
I can't stand you or your children, never even bother to make an attempt with me again.
Yvonne Nice May 2019
She's trapped there and she'll never be free
but all of a sudden, she clung on to me
She watched me, as if a hawk preparing for its dinner of pike
and then she decided to strike
She attacked me with an onslaught of words
and then she targeted my body, like a hunter with birds

No space is safe, shes always there
and when she attacks, I have to time to prepare
Then she laughs, she giggles, and lingerers around
and I cant call out to anyone, never making a sound
Silenced and alone, my own body rejects me
for I am as useful as a legless pony
She's still here, even when I write this now
for she resides in my mind, for a victim she has found
The only home she's ever known is the one she resents the most.
Yvonne Nice Apr 2019
With eyes that can strike both fear and awe
and a heart that was forged of gold
A mind filled with wisdom beyond the Library of Alexandra's
and a touch of a mothers love
A hug of a fresh blanket
and a smile of sun rays
A laugh of life
and a ferocious love that envelopes all that are worthy

It is in them that I find solace
from the world and its many ravines
And when I need it most
I can always find them there
It is in them that I bestow trust
as if a chest of ancient relics
And all they have to do is look at me
and I know they'll be safe

I love you, good friend
More than I even know
Overflowing like a flood
with as much force as an earthquake
I shall always be there, my friend
and i'll do anything for you
For you are the most beautiful dragon
and I could never find another
Because in your soul, is a soul like mine
kindred spirits beyond time
And i'll always love you
Even when the moon falls
I'll be your guiding light when you need me
and we shall haunt the lands together
until the end of time

Thank you <3
I love you so much, you're an amazing little bad *** dragon and I have more faith in you than I do myself.
Yvonne Nice Apr 2019
Tiles floors
As if an elaborate game of chess
Spiraled notebooks with lined paper
As if the bars on our collective prison cell
Mechanical pencils filled with lead
As if loaded weaponry to face war
Plastic chairs with metal screws
As if  the electric chair to melt our brains away
Teachers and their ungodly stare
As if guards keeping us complacent

They do it for the world, they say
They do it to prepare us for life, they say
They do it to help us grow and become smarter, they say
But that's not the whole truth, not in the slightest
They want to keep us in line
They want to keep us in place
They want to keep us silenced
They want to make us the perfect human
They want us to be perfect
We were supposed to be perfect
Perfect...

But we cant
We cant do what they want us to
We cant be their cookie cutter student
Never with straight As
Never with perfect manners
Never with perfect behavior
Never with their perfect emotions
Because we can't

But we can be our own person
With our own feelings
With our own emotions
With our own words
With our own personalized strengths and weaknesses
Because we can't be what they want
What humanity wants
But we can be human
We can be ourselves

And we will be
We will break and fall
And we will crumble to the sea of woes
But we shall rebuild our mighty kingdom
Out of tear drops and wooden blocks
And we will be human
We will be us
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, but we are all our own weakest link.
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