I find that everyday's dull and grey
And I'm left to rediscover it on my own
I wake up to see the same display that I can't get rid of
I've come to see that one day everything dies
I've come to see that everyone lies
i've come to see that people just survive, and try to love to stay alive
Some just try to stay together and not fall a part
Nothing matters
Everything matters
With so little time
With so little space
Everything matters
And yet
Nothing does
Nothing matters to me but writing
Being mortal, having achievements does matter
Cause after you're dead those are the things you're remembered for
Being immortal, you have all the time in the world
up until the world ends that is (which isn't that far away in my belief)

But I am mortal
I want to be a writer to show people my age and younger that language is beautiful and is still alive
And to keep it alive!!

I may find that one day people will be too far gone and I may be in heaven or hell
*I am forsaken

I'm not the same girl you met freshmen year
She caught emotional cancer when you first kissed her
That was her very first kiss
And it became very fatal when you took her virginity
And when you broke her heart she was too weak
She died, and I was the only one at the funeral to say "goodbye"
I never saw you there
Then I truly knew that you didn't love me the way I love you
And when you broke her heart
A new girl was given that heart
She was given that heart to ignore
And now she realizes that the broken heart she chose to ignore it still loves you
And whenever she's around you she knows that she'll never stop loving you
But she tries, she tries really hard to stop loving you
But she can't
She can't
She never thought she would fall in love with you and stay in love with you
She doesn't want to be in love with you anymore
But she is
It's amazing how you broke that girl's heart
And that other girl's who has her heart now still has that original girl's love for you
And no matter how broken my heart is, or how shattered it is
I'll always love you
I know I will

I try so hard to explain my feelings to them
But they don't want to hear it
Or they cut me off before I can really explain it
And seeing as I am a very verbal person
It takes time for me to figure out what to say
No one has the time of day
They hardly care what I say
That's okay though
Even if it's why I've never felt important
I just gotta make my own importance

I need to clear my head of all this demise
I just don't have the time
I need to focus on me
But honestly, I am limited in my choices
Just got diagnosed with mild scoliosis

I need something new
A change of scenery
I need a good change,
and live my dreams in reality
I need new feelings
New body
New concepts
Sometimes I get them
Sometimes I just remember what I already knew
New things rarely happen
And I'm just tired of the same things
I feel like everyday's the same and I'm left to discover on my own
I feel like everything is grey and there's no color to behold
I need something new
And I've waited 16, almost 17 years
My whole life
And the only new thing that has happened is my body and mind
*Which I don't like

I need to figure out a way to clear my mind of this world.

Truth is
We're all inexperienced
I may never experience one thing like another
But I still understand your human feelings, my fellow brother.

She was right to call herself inhumane
By all the words I see her saying
You can tell that she ain't playing
I had no right to play with the inhumane
Trumpets announced the three musketiers
Pamphlets and paper announced I needed better
Had to write down a few more letters
Before getting what I needed to hear

She was right to call herself inhumane
But every thing has a weak spot
Go ahead and poison yourself, throw up your liver in the ******* ***!
She was right to call herself inhumane
*See, we was each other's play things, only just a game

You can show me the door and tell me what to do
But I'd never have the courage to walk through.

Who is this voice in my head?
A demon
My demon,

*Those things are so hard to get rid of

She's afraid of thunder
She's afraid of lightning
I'm afraid of plunder
I'm afraid of fighting
Wish she had the key
Wish someone would crack this heart in half
It's of no use, not anything I want to have
I want everything and nothing beginning at never and ending at forever
I'm a queen with fresh diamond tears on a silk handkerchief
And all I do is complain like a pampered princess
Yet I'm still trapped in a tower of my own making
I built this
I created this hellish feeling
I string along a dedicate in training
Teach me a lesson
Everyone knows I need it
You do
And I do too
Hopefully I can comprehend it

Love,
A mysterious dementia
It's scary how it's something I need
Cause, what does it do?
It doesn't help me to live
Then why do I need it so bad?
It's a personal reason really
I need it to stay human inside

This war is ripping me to shreds
My mind, splattered with so much red
My heart, a rag doll to a dog, stricken with such great regret
My eyes don't want to see it yet

It is far too easy to become as nasty and as evil as our counterparts when they have treated you that way far too long
And it worsens,
As they deny the aftermath of this treatment to you
It's passed down,
Turmoil building turmoil, rolling it up to start the base of a snowman
It causes the destruction of our hearts, distorts our minds, to casually gloss over our eyes
The consequence?
Every generation is weaker than the last
*They think they're unpredictable and rambunctious, but they don't realize,
That this is controlled too

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is ******, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

My thoughts invisible
My words invisible until I put ink to paper
And even then they're still invisible
They're invisible to the people who can't read the meaning between the lines and the space between the words and letters
Sometimes they're invisible to me
Until after I read it myself
I can feel what other people mean when they write a poem or a story
I can imagine the imaginary happenings of a poem or story
I can hear the silent screams and see the useless scratches and crawls
I can see the darkness or the brightness of everything imagined
Everything invisible
The words you really want to say invisible
The actions you really want to take invisible
Everything invisible
Everything you don't do invisible to everyone except you
Everything I won't write burned into my mind until it hits pen to paper
Until it visible to everyone
You will never forget the visible nothings you did
You will never forget the invisible somethings you should have done

I can't help it
I get confused
So confused I start believing everything is the enemy
I spring everything up for questioning
Lots of people say it's just in my head
But if it's just in my head
How can I be so sure that isn't in my head too?

Sometimes I just saturate
In my fossil fuel of hate
Right now the fuel contains a concentration of you
Sometimes I just want jaws lined up to punch right through
But I also hate that I shouldn't be mad at you
You did the same thing I would do
-Even was about to too-
You lied,
I lied
You cheated,
I cheated
-all In that order.-
I told you so many times
Your heart did a crime
You should have remembered to tell the truth so you'd get clocked for less time
I may be a hypocrite for saying some of those things
But you made it clear you'd **** yourself if I didn't do anything
What power has the internet fling?
I didn't have time
Your life on the line,
I cared enough to try.
I didn't want you to die.
And sometimes I felt how hard you cried
The guilt inside,
It pried you away enough to look for a better bride
I still think it's amazing I haven't cried since
Doing everything to my heart and my head to trick and convince
And don't ever forget, I once wished with all my heart you were my Prince

Is everything talking to me?
I don't know
It seems to be
It seems to be telling out my feelings
The words I hold onto, really.-.
But I know this feeling
However it's so painful it feels so new every time
My mind is just letting this time do a drive by
I swear time is killing me more than healing me
My dreams show me killing me!
My soul has a cold sore
And my heart ain't on chill, B
I'm enraged and deranged
But I'm wondering...
Is the universe talking to me
Or am I just pulling all this **** towards me?

I shall never cry
No matter who dies
No matter how hard the world shall break me
I shall never cry
No matter how many times my heart has been broken
No matter how much someone puts me down
I shall never cry*
*Just let my heart dry of tears and murk in misery

Oh death
How could you be mean to me?
You took my whole world away from me
Now I'm in this barren land
This place is just full of white sand
No trees
No twigs
No cacti
No life of any kind
No warmth or any sun
No cold or darkness
What is this place?
Why was I trapped here?
The day my father died I was stuck here to sleep
To cry
To be mezmorized by my memories and imagination, and by the fictional books in the small library
Everything here is isolated
Everyone here is medicated

You made me want to live in a place I didn't like living
*And for that I owe you dearly

It doesn't even matter anymore
If I exist or not
Or if I'm at death's door
I've knocked on it eleven times and hopefully twelve times a charm
What's the ******* harm?
I'll be gone
Just another life that did not matter
Just another soul buried in the ground
The one you said had a face that was round
The one you said had a heart that was proud
And a spirit so stunning and loud
I was never one meant to live so long
My fate was a song
A song sung from the me inside
I've accepted I'm not good enough
I've accepted the way the world is, but I can't seem to take it cause it drives me mad
And that
That is what shortens my fate
My fate to die
I'll wonder what death's arms feel like and how much Hell scorches in my veins for internity

It is time we sit down
It's time we have a talk.
A discussion among adults.
Without the childish insults.
Help me help you see my point
I'll respect you and do this in return.
How will we become wiser if we don't?
Life isn't only in your perspective
Not always in your eyes
Your eyes are willingly closed if you can't try to see what I'm seeing.
But mine isn't as closed off as yours
It is your reasoning that is seeming.
To me, you want to be as free from the consequences of your actions as you are to make them, and pin it onto someone else.
This cycle of selfisness and greed will always keep us from being freed.
We will die from our selfishness tonight.

You ain't in love
You haven't changed for ****

It's so funny how unfunny **** is.

Love is not a sin
So why is being gay a sin?
Why is being lesbian a sin?
Why is being anything other than heterosexual a sin?
Love is not a sin
So why do we treat gay guys holding hands like a disease?
Why do we treat transexuals like they shouldn't exist?
Why do we treat people badly just because they chose to be who they are?
Love is not a sin
Do I have to say this again?!?
LOVE IS NOT A SIN
Being yourself is not a sin
Do you really want to know what's really a sin?
Pretending to be what you're not
That is the real sin

Too late to take back what you said
It's too late to win me back once you've lost me, or, maybe you never even had me
I never love easily
I think I can fake it
I guess I can since I fooled you for some time
In a way I did love you
And I can tell by the time you gave me how much you loved me and how this was going to end
We dragged it on
Well, mostly I dragged it on
Not wanting to be single, alone, or lonely when I felt even more alone and lonely with you
I was confused and my mind still young and dazed
I didn't know why I was staying with you at first
Cause the first time I thought about breaking up you got shot
Then the second time your sister got shot
The third time I actually tried you talked me out of leaving
The final time I told it like it was, because I could no longer take it
I could no longer take feeling like the last thing you ever cared about and I just broke up with you
You didn't say anything
And of course I regretted it for a couple of days, but then I just stopped caring and moved on
Eight months I wasted with you
You said you loved me
But I can honestly say that that was never true
And I can be truthful and say
*I don't think I ever loved you too

I wished this
I wished that
I regret I let my tongue get caught by the cat
I regret I saw all the red flags
And ignored it
I've taken responsibility for that
I didn't make you do any of those things
I can't take responsibility for your acts
It took two
If only I wasn't the other half
At least it never got that bad
I know I'm slightly hypocritical
Because
I'll still laugh at these ******* who choose to spread their own legs yet find every excuse to blame everyone else but themselves
I can't say I'm perfect
Cause there's no such thing
At least I can say, I'm better
I can't hold my tongue any longer
**IT MAY TAKE TWO BUT IT ONLY TAKES ONE TO WALK AWAY FROM THE CONSEQUENCES

I want all of you
not just secret you
I want all of you
the good and the bad
and I'll give you all of me
Just me and just you
I want all of you
I want the parts you think are ugly but I think are beautiful because it's you
I want the beautiful parts of you even though you think they aren't that beautiful
I want the best of you
And I even want the worse of you
Because everything that's good and bad about you makes you you
And I love you
I don't want to be a secret anymore
I want all of you
So lets not be each others secret because we know exactly how we feel
And now I finally have all of you and you have all of me

I don't miss you anymore,
and I won't ever again
I'm kind of tired of your presence
It's crazy how you think you make anymore sense
But,
I didn't fail or faulter
I just no longer care to alter.
One day Karma will be my partner.

When the ice is thick
And when the ice is thin
I will be walking that ocean again

I wish I could change the way I think
But I can't!
I can't when it's the only thing I know

I wish I had a life's moments eraser
To erase all the bad moments from others memories
But I would like to keep them in mine
They give me humility
They give me the charm and qualities I have now

I wish I were beautiful
So that I could not be so nervous when I talk to people

I wish I were a better writer
So that I could be famous for it

I wish I were a better vocalist and that I were musically talented
I can sing already I just want to be better

But I'm the exact opposite
I can't erase my bad moments
I'm not beautiful
And I'm an alright writer, I'm just not the best of them
I can sing good, but I'm just not great

*But I wish most of all to be able to have children someday

I wish this **** would end
This mass destruction
This mass corruption

I wish Pandora's box could be resealed
Not concealed
With rumors and lies

I wish that it would end
It's getting worse and worse
Pandora's box is blasting
The corruption is spreading and causing destruction
The terrible truth concealed With rumors and lies

I wish to grant my freedom with these bottle of pills
As I sit from the top of my prison hill

I wonder how many times I have to say
*That I'm not you, okay?

“I wouldn't expect you to know beauty."
Beauty isn't ten pounds of make up, long hair, and thigh gaps
Beauty isn't the biggest ***** or **** you can find
Beauty isn't always short and petite

Beauty is her personality
It's her laugh, it's her smile
It's her ability to make you laugh for miles
It's her hugs that make your heart beat fast
And blushing madly when she grabs your ***
It's the way she loves and lives off of fun and enjoyment
It's the way she holds you during sleep over nights

She may be beautiful on the outside, but that doesn't compare to what I know is on the inside

Leave me the hell alone
Play the broken record behind your own eyes and see that
I'm already dead
Just leave it be
Let this roadkill be on your hands
You swore you'd always remember wiping the carcass from the windshield
And scraping it out from under your wheels
Be still,
Your heart seeks these sick thrills,
then later forgets them
Running over them with ****** hands directing the blood drenched wheel

Diamonds, emeralds, silver, and gold
Are only valuable because it's shiny and what humanity was told
If those things were dull and light
People wouldn't want them, *right?

If I don't want to be judged for being me,
I can't judge you for being you.

Julia,
Julia,
Julia,
I was confused
About us
First off,
I didn't love you
And second off, I hope you're so happy
Cause you finally did what I asked you to
Even though it hurt me
To lose you

I just had the most beautiful dream of my life
Me and my beautiful naked wife
And she laughed at something I said just how I like
How did I end up meeting such a beautiful life?
And second, what is the name of my wife?
This is just a dream, but I'd like to know to avoid future strife
She's more beautiful than my hands could ever write

I wish I could have see her face
She was felt but not seen
Heard but no given name
I have no time to play this love thing

Just once I'd like to give into my desires
I'd wrap myself around you
Let my tongue surround you
Have my fingers pound you
And get nervous around you
I'd get anxious at the anticipation of where your head and hands are dipping into
The sweet succulent of tender flesh
Has me making so much mess
But still your tongue moves steadfast
Waiting for my frame to collapse

You can only give people the power to betray you.

The ones that claim to love you give you the most misery.

Your priorities.

**** me with your love
Suffocate my soul with the flowers of beauty
Listen to my heart beat faster knowing I'm closer to dying
Listen to my song of heart
Just let our love tear me apart
Listen to the words I'm saying
Don't you know what I am playing?
I used to love you now I don't
Why do you think every I love you tears me apart?
I just can't stand it
It's killing me
Your love is too much to bear and mine has long left me
Just let your love **** me
It will be the end of me anyway

I can't begin to explain
And I wouldn't know how to end it
Hearts, boy, if I could read them
I'd really admire true beauty.
But unfortunately,
I cannot.
So, sometimes I've got to be gullible
And may mistake a few things
Truth is,
I'm beginning to think I'm just not relationship material point, blank, p-p-period.