I lay next to you in a field of lilacs and lavenders.
The beautiful floral scent fills my senses
I am surrounded by all that is purple.
I watch as the brilliant blue sky is filled with gorgeous violet hues.
I listen to the birds as they soothe my anxious mind.
I put my hand into yours.
Our hands intertwine.
My left hand held by your right.
The strands of purple in my hair cascade around my face,
I am surrounded by purple.
A crown of purple flowers rests on my forehead.
I am surrounded by all that is purple.

One day I will be different.
One day things will change.
You will no longer hold power over me,
The power that you cannot see.
You will no longer haunt my dreams,
The dreams will cease to be.
My thoughts will no longer be plagued by you.
These will disappear as I age.
One day I will be new,
I will not be the girl you once knew;
The girl that you once broke,
And as for you-
You will be nothing but a very distant memory.

Glass shatters.
It shatters into a million pieces;
A million fragments.
These tiny pieces scattered onto the ground.
Unfixable.
Unusable.
Discarded.

Who am I?
A question I am asked in every new class and every interview.
Something that seems to be so easy to answer.
A few months ago I had to write about who I am.
I pushed it off for days and days thinking it will be easy.
It wasn't, it was in fact the complete opposite.
I sat there for hours and hours,
Staring at a blank page with a pen in hand.
Who am I?
What words define me?
Which box do I fit in?
Well, the answer is I don't know.
If you looked at me today and asked,
"Choose one word that defines you."
I would say, I don't know.
I don't know which box I am categorized in.
I don't know where I really belong.
I know my beliefs and what I believe to be true.
However, I do not know who I am.

A memory haunts
Forever following me
Through the day and night
This memory never leaves
This memory haunting me

When you look into the mirror what do you see
What do you notice first
Your eyes
Your hair
Your lips
Or do you simply notice you
When you see that mirror there
Are you drawn to it
Drawn to the idea of seeing how you look
To see how everyone sees you
Are you drawn to the mirror that lets you see
Lets you see the beautiful array of colours in your eyes
Lets you see how your face crinkles when you smile
The mirror that lets you see what you yourself cannot

I walk alone down the empty street,
I look at the cars all parked closely to the curb.
Then I see you - a ray of hope in a world of darkness.
Unknowing to all the horrible atrocities that surround you.
You are perfect, not yet broken, not yet flawed.
You are a new beginning; you prove that second chances can exist.
So, as I see you, the little bud coming to life as I speak; I remember this.
Life may not be kind to you.
Life may hurt you.
Life may break you.
But you must not let it change you.
Life is full of unpredictability and surprises, some good and some bad.
But one thing is for sure, second chances exist.
You are proof of this; proof that we can change in time.
Proof that we can have a new beginning.

In a world of millions,
In a place of thousands,
You are one in a billion.
You say you are nothing much.
As simple as pen and paper.
As plain as the ice on those frostbitten days.
Though you don't seem to know...
Pen and paper, though they appear simple-
are something I have always adored.
You are something I have always adored.
And as for those frostbitten days...
Those days when my fingers go numb after the seconds outside.
Those days where my whole body is cold.
I cherish those days;
As I am grateful that I have a warm place to return.
I am grateful for you.
So my love.
The one with the deep brown eyes.
The eyes captivate me daily.
You may think you are plain and simple-
But you are so much more than what you see.

The day you left
I remember it like it was yesterday
The day that you left
My world was torn apart
From the inside out
I no longer had you
A day felt like a month
A month felt like a year
A year felt like a lifetime
Waking up each day
Knowing you were gone
Knowing that the person I looked up to
Was gone forever

The quiet.
Something so simple
Something that used to terrify me
But now
Now I find myself finding comfort
Comfort in the creaks of the floorboards
Comfort in the wind again the windowpane
Comfort in the soundlessness of it all
The quiet.
No longer something I fear
Instead it becomes something I long for
A moment alone with my thoughts
A moment alone without a care in the world
A moment to appreciate the little sounds around me
The quiet.

I walk alone down an empty hall.
I hear the voices behind me.
Every step I take they become louder and louder;
I quicken my pace.
My footsteps echo around me
As my feet hit the floor.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
With every step, they grow louder.
With every step, the voices scream.
They scream until I can no longer hear the footsteps.
They scream telling me to stop.
I reach the door...
My hand rests on the rusted golden ****.
My breath catches in my throat,
I can feel as my hands become clammy, and
Sweats comes down my forehead in beads.
My eyes dart from side to side-
The voices still screaming.
"You can't leave"
"You won't go"
Voicing my doubts and insecurities.
They scream inside my head!
They yearn to tear me down;
To create this void of darkness that I am constantly trapped in.
Oh, that void,
A place of emptiness;
Full of darkness.
A place where the voices thrive-
Picking up on every single thing
And using it all against me.
A place that I refuse to go back to.
So, as my eyes focus on the rusted ****
My hand reaches out.
I stretch my fingers and clasp them around it.
Feeling the coldness of the metal shock my body.
I rotate my hand 90 degrees,
The **** creaks and groans as the door is opened.
Automatically I swing the door open
I hear the voices start to quiet.
I take one step,
Then two,
Then three.
I breathe in the fresh air;
My lungs fill up.
A cloud of smoke appears as I release the air trapped inside.
I start to walk,
Leaving my anxiety-ridden mind behind.

“Show Time!” I hear as they start to get everything ready for the two-legged beings.

I want to hide, not to be seen. Though I know that’s impossible.

I am locked in a cage for everyone to see.

My black fur and spots.

My brilliant golden eyes.

My long whiskers.

My paws and my claws.

All on display.

I start to hear the pitter-patter of footsteps walking towards me.

I stay close to the back wall hoping to blend in with the dark surroundings of my own personal prison.

If I hide my face, they won’t be able to tell where I am.

I hear them hitting the metal bars with sticks.

My ears flatten against my head.

Let me go please, leave me alone.

I don’t want to be seen.

Suddenly I hear it, one of them screams “I found it!”

My black fur raises on my back, sending chills down my spine.

They found me, why can’t they see that I don’t want to be found.

“Look at his spots!”

“Look at his fur!”

Why can’t they stop screaming?

I start to pace, I want it to stop, please stop.

I want to go home; I want to be free.

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

When I was 2 years old.
I did not know true pain,
I did not know true fear.
My life was full of rainbows.
When I was 2 years old-
My innocence was my beauty.
Years went by;
I was now 8 years old.
I knew pain,
I knew fear
The rainbows in my life no longer there.
The rainbows replaced with storms;
Storms of violence, of pain and fear.
My perseverance was my beauty.
6 more years pass,
I was 14.
Full of pain.
Full of fear.
I was scared of life.
My beauty was gone.
Now 3 years later...
I still know pain,
I still know fear.
But things have changed.
The rainbows look down on me once again.
The pain - still there, but less prominent.
The fear, following me - but no longer dominant.
So, now at 17.
I live, I understand and I love.
When I was 2 years old my beauty was my-
Innocence.
When I was 8 years old my beauty was my-
Perseverance.
When I was 14 years old my beauty was gone.
My beauty no longer missing.
It is no longer hidden.
My beauty has arisen.
My beauty, now...
At 17 years old.
My beauty now is;
My 17 years of pain,
My 17 years of fear,
My 17 years of experiences,
My beauty is me.
I am my beauty.

They come back every now and then
They haunt me
my thoughts
my dreams
They are everywhere
Whispering
Louder and louder with each passing second
I run
I cannot hide
I cannot hide from them
They always find me
No matter what I do
No matter where I go
They are there
Whispering
Haunting
Taunting
Then they leave
But I know it won't be long
Until the whispers reappear