I used to never want to draw,
now all I scribble is your face.

I used to write sad poetry,
now I spit love poem after love poem like a copy machine.

I used to hate the smell of coffee,
now I go to my local coffee shop everyday, just to wrap my fingers around a warm cup, wishing it was your hand instead.

I used to not care about wine,
now all I drink is Sangiovese, pretending I'm sitting with you on your family's winery.

I used to drink for fun,
now alcohol has become my drug so I can try to blur the image of you.

I used to sleep peacefully,
Now I have to take a sleeping pill so I don't lay awake thinking about you; too bad you still appear in my dreams.

I used to have my anxiety in control,
now my chest tightens and I get an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I see you.

I used to not even look at your face,
now your face is all I search for every time I'm going places.

I used to be laid back,
now I've become an overly obsessed maniac making sure you're not someone else's.

I used to be myself,
now I'm not sure who I am anymore.

I’m nervous to be with you,
Little fireworks dancing in my stomach.

I’m nervous to speak to you,
Afraid that I’ll end up speaking in a different language.

I’m nervous to hear you,
Something so foreign yet so familiar in my dreams.

I’m nervous to smell you,
Will you smell more like the cappucino you swirl in your cup each morning
Or more like the panettone you help your mamma make on Sunday’s?

I’m nervous to look at your eyes,
To see those beautiful chocolate brown occhi stupendi stare right back into mine,
Little do you know I’m swimming them.

I’m nervous to see those perfect lips,
Lips that I would drink in like the red wine I swallowed like a pill,
To try to forget about you.

I’m nervous to see your face,
A face that I would recognize with my hands if I were ever blindfolded.

I’m nervous to touch you,
Even the slightest brush of hands would make my body tingle.

I'm nervous for you,
what will you think of me?

It finally happened but I'm still walking like it's just a dream.

Like it didn't actually happen.

You were perfect as always.

Perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect demeanor.

When I saw you walk past me, I said not again.

Not again would I let you slip away from me, because I
was done being a ballerina.

So as gracefully as you entered, I caught you at the exit.

You acted as if someone gave you a double fudge chocolate
cake for your birthday when I told you who I was.

Baby it made my heart melt and right then and there I wanted to
give you all of me.

But the best thing was, I felt like I was being set free.
No nausea or anxiety.
In that moment it was just you and me.

And that connection that I had felt like I had imagined became
as clear as day.

Maybe it's all in my head, but I have never seen you waiver...
this chiseled knight had a ***** in his armor.

Because you seemed nervous, and what makes me even more queasy is
that perhaps you were nervous because of me.

Darling, whatever it was, it pleased me even more to see you
act as sweet as honey.

And im questioning everything once more, because perhaps you really are
the one for me.

It's like we were destined for each other but weren't meant to be together.

Like we're playing tic-tac-toe but you keep giving me x's and I just go "oh".

It's like I want to believe you don't care,

but how can I even come to that conclusion when my breath catches in my throat everytime I hear, see, and feel you...

when I haven't even given you a chance to play devil's advocate.

It's so much easier when people reject you, harder when they remain silent.

Like two trains, we stay parallel on our tracks, so close but never touching. So close, but never touching.

It's kinda funny how that one thing that makes you happy also made me intoxicated so that my mind could be  fuzzy and I could finally get the courage to talk to you.

It's kinda sad how you don't even have to say a word to make me ***** several, carving me like a pumpkin while my poetic
seeds spill out, one by one.

So honey, I'm waiting for the day where we can be amidst the hills of a luscious italian winery.

Your suntanned arms stained with the very soil that nurtures those sweet grapes, sipping barolo  from our overpriced wine glasses,
even though I've hated red wine all my life but you put the red back into my life, so naturally I came to love it.

Waiting.

Your love is choking me,
I can barely breath.

Your fingernails are like daggers and I'm the bull's eye.

But you're playing with your aim,
hitting everything but the target,
allowing me to just barely drink air.

But the air I'm breathing is poisoned.
Poisoned by the stench of your ability to take
what you want and regurgitate the rest so ****
quickly that the only stable thing is my love, for you.

The way you murmur poetry in my ear, filling my mind
with colors I never knew were real.

Etching yourself into my crevices with melodic music
that makes me sway like a violinist and her bow.

Seeping carefully into my veins, as your frothy waves turn
into still oceans, lulling me carefully to sleep.

And I remember all over again why my heart turns vibrato.

Today was treat yourself day,
but the only treat I crave is you.

Perfectly imperfect,
I like your quirks.

Hair as smooth as chocolate gelato,
my boy from Montescaglioso.

Skin ain't bright like a tangerine (though you're sweet as one),
but as dark as the moon who married the sun.

Almond shaped eyes,
blaze without doping.

Arctic Monkeys were right,
I could't stop dreaming about you nearly every single night.

And that smile,
that god awful smile that releases like Frank's albums,
without even realizing that you're taking me with the tide.

Sometimes the world forgets to notice but,
Ti ricorderò per sempre
*I will remember you forever

A daughter gives birth to a daughter,
Unknown and untouched, a stranger among strangers.

Her eyes are as big as the smile on her mama’s face,

Her being fills the tired and aching crevices of her mother’s body
As she soothes the pressure her mother has had to carry for a while now.

She looks at her daughter, really takes a look at her.

Her pale golden brown skin reminds her of the chai she used to make at home, the pungent aroma filling the entirety of the tiny bungalow cluttered with metallic pots and pans,
She still didn’t find uses for all of them.

Over here, there are strange phrases on these tea boxes, marked up with words like “real” and “authentic!” And it tastes stranger everything tastes so…bland.

She’s trying to fit into this movie poster with America as the Director and immigrants as actors, and the neon yellow flashing bulbs ceremoniously decorated around the word “diverse” because nothing feels right, even the clothes merely trying to cling onto her bare skin, as if they don’t know how to fit her.

Tiny movements and a tiny heartbeat,
And she knows why she came here.

Knowing that her daughter will never have to feel those salty tears produced by the paranoia of the unknown, making everything seem so bitter.

Knowing that tonight, and every other night, her daughter will be tucked under a blanket of opportunity,
And laying on a bed of dreams.

She stares out of the window, the warm summer breeze making her cozy and she soon blends in with the darkness of the night, hoping that everyday her daughter would be able to sleep as easily as she did tonight.

Love will remember.

When it's permanently etched into the veins
of the leaves,
barely clinging onto the branches of the trees,
waving not goodbye,
but until next time.

When it's nestled into the u-shaped symbol
our mouths make when we feel something
so tremendously warm,
that we cannot contain it anymore.

When it's powdered in the snow by our footprints,
keeping our bodies from floating away,
no fear.

When our cold breaths catch in our throats
as the words are frozen,
replaced by the sounds of our rhythmic heart
beats,
loud enough to replace our need to ******* scream
our feelings.

Cold bodies, warm hearts.

God, it's so hard to write these days.

My hands quiver from the cold silence in the house,
My thoughts tremble like a leaf just barely attached
to a tree,
the wind silently waiting to sweep it away,
no mercy. Just like them.

They think I'm still here,
but they've lost me a long time ago.

I am just like them,
ghosts attached to a physical being,
haunted by everything.

But they cannot revive themselves.
I can.

I have not locked away all my pieces like them,
I am tender and I will not be numb.

Breathing.

Do you see what we've become?
Do you see how you've drilled your
filth in our sore skulls?

The throbbing pain we try so hard to numb,
gritting our teeth so hard to try to permanently
keep our mouths shut in fear of letting loose
our tongue.

I have self-control. She doesn't.
And one day, you'll lose another one.

And you'll foolishly try to throw a life-jacket,
but I'd rather drown.

So for now, she'll sit quietly spewing venom,
silently realizing how much freedom she really has.

And then ****, just like that,
she'll no longer be ******* the lifeless air,
but vanish into it.

Do you think this is a game?

Breaking hearts with no shame,
wiping your guilty hands and
doing it all over again.

You take, take,take,
but the weird thing is
you give as well.

You give lies upon lies to
keep yourself up high,
trying to stabilize.

But one day your river will run dry,
and you'll lay in the cracks wondering why.

Dear someone,
be careful with your heart.

Don't let it out too long,
don't let it break apart.

They will try to rip it away from you,
and when you get it back,
you will be merely holding scraps of it.

Dear someone,
be gentle to yourself.

I know you just want to feel warm again,
to not be shivering from the lack of love.

But take care of yourself first.

Golden rose, so surreal.

Your thorns pierce,
But it's a good feeling.

Intense.

Your creamy petals may fall,
but you're continuously blooming.

Keys locked everywhere,
but the intensity of your mind
seeps shards of bright fragments.

Slowly, but surely.

Dream, dear one.

Let your mind unravel it's colored strings
and attach itself to the creamy stars in the night sky.

Let your heart bleed with passion
till it makes a river so maroon it stains every piece of earth.

Let your body tremble with fear and excitement and lust
as you dance your uncertainties away till your soul feels numb.

Let your hair turn as wild as your mind
because you're only getting closer to yourself.

Your soul may be old,
but your story is yet to be told.

You have carved yourself beautifully.
You are the clay touched by tired cracked hands,
Molded by your own experiences.

You are one with water as your sweat illuminates
your proud face;
as you weep tears for those you love,
or those you want to love.

You are loved by the sun
As your skin is kissed by the pigment goddess,
and you are forming into who you are.

Your skin is etched with markings,
Reminding those of your journey,
Your passion,
Your love.

You are fragile, you have cracks love,
But you fills your cracks with gold
And broken is better than new.
Kintsugi.

I'm here.
This is happening and I am happy and I am alive and I am ok.

I am home.
No, not with family. Not where I grew up.
Not smothered by the rich suburban kids who so badly need
attention, frantically forming a monarchy with a jeweled
king mounted high upon the throne.
None of that.

The city is my home now. Has always been.
And even though I have not quite done as much
as I could yet, I am content.
I am free.

I watch the lights flicker a warm golden
pool on buildings so high they cut through the clouds.
I realize that although I am alone, in this very moment,
I am not.

I am here.

I used to think that everything stays.

In fact I would make myself believe it,
building a wall of lies camouflaged as truth.

And for the time being,
it felt real;
everything was going to be alright.

For the time being,
I thought I had power
over what I wanted,
and what I didn't want.

Nothing stays my friend,
everything wilts eventually.

You're with me through everything,
love, hatred, anger, lust, care, sympathy.

You give me life, so much life,
Yet I use you selfishly.

I hurt you,
I hurt you because I want so many things.

I want to eat a cheeseburger,
feel the delicious goodness slide down my throat.
Every burger makes you weak.

I want to love him,
even though he won't love back.
You ache and ache,
trying your best to keep me together.

I ignorantly take in hurt from people,
because I want to feel,
you wither away slowly,
like a tree succumbed to winter.

But maybe because I hurt you so,
you blossom and grow,
because you fill your vase with not only water,
but poison and honey.

And it is best to feel everything rather than nothing.

I am sick.
But not in the way that you think.
I do not have measles or mumps,
nor cough or flu.
I do not have stomach pains nor food poisoning,
don't have a headache making me feel blue.

I am plagued with humanity.

You looked at me like nobody else did,
making my stomach churn with anxiety.
I was nervous,
wanting to spill the contents of my thoughts on the floor.

I saw those compassionate eyes,
looking directly at me, not around.
A longing smile that erased all my doubts,
suddenly feeding me,
with knowledge that wasn't there before.

One bliss moment your lips,
as soft as a cashmere scarf,
pressed so carefully onto mine,
as if I was a china cup;
so fragile.

Like a jolt of caffeine kicking in,
our ballet spins into a break dance,
perfectly nailing every move,
swaying back and forth,
back and forth.
Stop. Applause. Encore.

I can feel the golden warmth awakening  my paper.
Everything is so right,
it's a cool spring night,
the city is so alive,
my poetic mind should awaken and come to life,
then why don't I want to write?

Perhaps what makes us put our ink pens to our lined papers,
is when we know,
we must give it love, anger, sadness, assurance, care.

When our minds and bodies are touched,
so tremendously with feeling,
that we must rejoice with our beloved;
as we make it feel what we feel,
inking our thoughts permanently,
scratching the surface until we are content.

But if we only feel neutrality,
it is alright to stare at the white blankly.
We will rejoice another day perhaps,
tomorrow, a month, who knows?
Only time will show.

Good morning young sky,
so pink and opaque as you awaken with the sun,
peeking through the blanket of clouds.

You make me smile as you gift me droplets of rain,
cooling my warm skin baked from the shine.

Your rich earthy smell fills up my holes that spout air,
making me whole again.

You keep my mind awake and my body safe,
knowing that whenever I look up you'll always be there.

You sit there like a king,
acting like a puppeteer,
thinking you hold the world by it's strings.

Like a mysterious raven,
you succumb to a face of no emotions,
pouring nothing out and letting nobody in,
trying to hide behind a torn wing.

Until one day, I saw you face,
and just like when the water ripples embrace sand,
your tides embraced me,
for once you said you felt free.

And just as quickly as it began it stopped,
you rapidly drank the waves back up,
and I was left with the salty aftertaste.

You may think you hold the world by it's strings,
but peer down below, it's not connected to anything.

Sip, Sip, Sip,
I fill my myself with liquid coffee,
giving myself a caffeine cure,
hoping to patch the holes of my aching body.

Grip, Grip, Grip,
My hands grip the pencil tight,
trembling from constantly writing,
fingers sore to move anymore.

Chip, Chip, Chip,
I have no diet anymore,
eating anything and everything,
making me sick to the stomach.

Lip, Lip, Lip,
I chew my lip,
wanting yours to be on mine,
Giving my cold body warmth.

I feel like I'm in a constant cycle,
excitement replaced with a pyramid of stress.

Give me your presence,
and free me.

You're like a caramel latte,
Thick sweet syrup settled at the bottom,
protected under a barrier of ice and coffee,
never wanting to be shaken.

But I know how to love you.
I sip through my plastic straw till I unveil the truth,
******* away those spots that have scarred you for years,
And leaving you only with sticky sweet love, pure love.

The moonlight awakens the city,
as if it weren't night but day.

The gentle whir of a night drive is distant,
enveloping the sounds of the tiny night owls hoot.

She steps onto the cold linoleum floor,
feet pulsating from the ache of working.

Fingers sticky with blue ink,
open the dark French doors.

The breeze caresses every part of her body,
as her cotton dress blows away,

Revealing smooth legs,
once wrapped around her lover.

One, two, three steps,
towards the edge of the balcony.

Deep within her pockets,
she finds her treasure.

Soft lips press into the paper,
Feeling the bumpy scratches a pen had made.

One, two, three,
Slowly, it floats away into the pool of darkness.

Your warm hands intertwine with mine,
So big like a knight's shield,
wrapped around my tiny fingers,
like a wool blanket.

Our feet pitter patter against the rocky pavement,
squishing the smooth pebbles under our rubber soles,
awakened by the sounds of the whistling trees,
swaying back and forth.

Your eyes linger every few seconds to mine,
smiling every time we made contact,
grasping my hands even tighter,
afraid I would float away to the moonlit sky.

The big grassy hill lies in front of us,
beckoning us to come,
and like children we run upwards into the welcoming arms of nature,
until we stand on top of the world.

I let myself climb atop your dusty shoes,
caressing your smooth clean-shaven face,
breathing in that oh so familiar scent,
fresh rain with a hint of mahogany.

You grab my waist and twirl me,
and together we succumb to gravity,
gently falling onto earth's bed,
as we lay there side by side under the starry night.

Hot curling iron creating perfect tresses,
my hair is thinning fast, I can see my scalp.
Lush ruby lips as I pout and take a picture,
blood runs from them as my fingers claw trying to give them life.
Flawless porcelain skin like a chinadoll,
Years and years of scars are covered up.
Thick black lashes smeared with dark kohl,
Crystal teardrops create inky streams down my cheeks.
They flow and flow until my eyes ache and cannot produce anymore.
Mouth once filled with sugar now only tastes salt.
Exhausted.

The first light of day sprung,
as the sleepy town awoke from it's dreams.

The cool spring breeze sweeps across the land,
making colorful dresses and shirts billow gently.

Wispy cotton-like clouds douse the sky,
only letting the robin egg blue peek through.

Silver bells hung on the wooden doors chime in unison,
creating melodic music as the baby grass sway back and forth.

The sugary sweet smell of warm buns linger in the air,
just pulled out of the oven from loving hands.

Children's laughter echoes all around,
their colorful chalk covered hands imprinting the pavements.

And as soon as the yellow light began it ended,
wrapped in a dark cloak.

Tiny shimmers sprinkle the sky,
illuminated by a frothy round.

Slowly, the sound dies,
and one by one the lights go out.

My hands tingle,
looking at your ***** brown mop of hair,
fresh from the shower and as fluffy as can be,
wanting to brush my fingers through the softness.

We lie on separate beds,
watching the white puffs of smoke,
like miniature clouds,
making the dark sky pure.

I watch your enchanted face,
eyes hovering over every detail your emotions sculpt,
watching how the city skyline illuminates your eyes,
pure love sits in them.

I want to let them rain,
Release my eyes from the pain,
Pretend we were never on the same bed once,
As we had kissed under the setting sun,
while the puffs of white rolled gently along.

You belonged in my arms,
Arms that don't feel your warmth any longer,
That are cold as they lay by my side.

Yesterday everything felt right,
No tension or awkwardness,
just you, me, and a stream of words feeding each other,
as if we were dying of hunger.

The words flew out your mouth,
barely reaching the tip of your tongue,
anxious to escape your lips,
to bet set free.

Your deep brown eyes held wonder,
as you questioned everything, questioned yourself.

I swam into the pools of your pupils,
as they ignited inside me a sense of awe.

How?
How can everything feel so right after being so wrong?
How can you spark the fire that just burned down?
How.

I didn't realize how much a heart could bleed,
Until the thought of you suddenly came back to me.
I lost all my peace.
Love, please let me be.

War and Peace intertwined,
Breaking all sins, crossing the line,
She a princess, he a warrior,
Hatred was the one that brought them together.

He opened her eyes to the world,
Made her realize not to judge a book by its cover,
He wasn't a dumb brute, she put it plainly,
Seduced by his love she falls for him freely.

Cousins are killed she knows his sorrow,
They weep together until tomorrow,
Alas they are separated for forever it seems,
Until his aching heart realized she was his dream.

Strength and skill got him through,
Yet his heel couldn't escape the arrow that flew.
You gave me a lifetime of war and peace he said,
Caressing her, almost dead.

Her sobs echoed across all of Troy,
Gently she placed her lips on his, saying goodbye.

She glimpsed at him once more before she turned away,
Her warmth stayed with him until great Troy turned to grey.

Expect the unexpected,
Is what my mother would always say,

Fly my little bird,
Don't let your world turn to grey.

So I flew and flew high in the sky,
Not letting myself hold back, not letting myself cry.

Until years of sorrow built up so fast,
Don't worry Mama, I promise this won't last.

Lower and lower I went in my shell,
Hoping one day that all would become well,

IV's, Pills, Hospital bed,
Sick on the outside, inside I bled red.

Till one day the sun shined brighter than before,
I felt myself lift higher, starting to soar.

It was a stupid game, it always was,
But love has no boundaries, it never does.

You came into my life, when I needed love the most,
Yet I wouldn't let you in, I was a ghost.

A couple months later we reconnected again,
We started to become very good friends.

Me and you, we'd talk almost every single day,
You would stay up late at night just to hear what I had to say.

The only problem is, you lived a thousand miles away,
But you'll always be remembered as the boy who vanquished my grey.

I expected the unexpected and it led me towards you,
I'll make sure we meet, if it's the last thing I do.

Why do you have to have such a stupid face,
a stupid face with so much to say,
so wise beyond it's days,
that I find cute every single day.

When I met you I felt it,
Felt your presence seep into my bones,
like warm honey trickling inside me,
Oh how I miss that feeling.

You're in love now,
I get it.
But do you remember the past, did you forget it?

The way you looked at me,
those dark mysterious eyes making me tingle with delight,
piercing into me like a sharp kite.

It makes me sick to think you kiss someone else at night,
Someone that's not me anymore,
Someone who likes you just like I did, I still do.

I laugh that you try to hide her from me,
As if I already didn't know.
Why do you even care anymore?

It gets harder to be near you these days,
for your voice, your words float gently into my soul,
I never want to let you go.

And you still look at me,
with those beautiful poetic eyes,
yet there's a sadness I can't comprehend,
I just want you to be happy.

I care too deeply,
I wish I didn't,
but you're hard not to love,
because you don't want to be loved.

That day will come,
when you crumble down,
and I'll be there to catch you when you fall,
when you feel  oh so small.

For now I must wait,
Wait for our fate.

Just as you're pulling me in,
Making it seem like everything is ok,
You spit me back out,
Like you're gargling water.

Water. We used to be like the gentle sea,
Your calm manner lulling me to sleep,
Making me believe I was important for once,
You actually paid attention.

Attention is all you give her now,
Blinded by love,
Binded by your guilt,
You've pushed everyone away.

Away is where you want to be,
From all the guilt, annoyance, pain,
Away from the person you were once,
Away from me, until you come back again.

I care too much, I know I do,
Love has no mercy, it just gnaws at you,
I fall while you climb the tower,
And the saddest thing is you hold the key like a king.

Like a puppeteer you dance me,
Thick strings tightening my skin,
You don't know what you want,
But I know what I want and I don't like it at all.

All I have is my head,
For my heart is long gone,
They keep telling me to let go; set you free,
Get over that aching feeling whenever I see you.

You need to release me,
From my feelings that produce pure pain,
Leave the anchor afloat in the sea,
Let it slowly drift away from the ship; let it be at peace.

Peaceful mind is what you never had,
Always conjuring up ideas and arguments,
Never at rest,
And it will **** you when you sleep.

Sleep was stolen from me,
Like caffeine in coffee keeping me awake,
Making me drown in the depths of the black liquid,
Looking forward to insomnia became the death of me.

I've come to the realization that you're a beautiful beast,
Imprisoned by your imagination. By your deceit.
When will I be released?