I miss being held
And feeling like
Somebody loves me.

See how the sunset liquid
Glitters
The crystal glass,
With lipstick on the brim
Instead of lemon.

Smell the rich foreign scent,
Making itself at home
On once innocent
Young lips.

Lonesomeness
In a burning beverage.

I slammed the dishes around
The sunlit sink,
Covered in bubbles
Up to my elbows.
“I can’t believe he did that,”
I sighed
As I angrily scrubbed muffin tins.

My boss looked up from dicing
Sweet colorful peppers
And pushed her glasses
Up the bridge of her nose.
“Well, at least now you know you made the right decision,”
She replied.

I turned around
And leaned against the stainless steal counter,
A customer entering the store
Caught my eye.
“I hadn’t thought of that... you’re right.”

I smile in pictures now,
My therapist says my face relaxes
When we have a session,
I bought myself
Something I liked,
And I didn't feel bad about it.

I can calm my breathing faster,
I'm not as a afraid to
Go back to work,
Talking to strangers
Is easier.
I'm writing again.

It felt like defeat,
Like I gave up fighting
My own brain,
And that was wrong,
But for now,
Even if it's just for now,
This is okay.

You aren't a failure
If you need help,
It doesn't have to be forever,
Don't be disappointed
In yourself.

He’s beautiful,
Isn’t he?
And for once in my life
I feel as if
I may be on the right path,
Even if it happened by accident.

He kisses my hand
Every few minutes.
He lets me be
Whatever I need to be,
And he’s always there to open the door,
Or help me close it.

His room is a museum
Of curiosities,
They make me feel at home.
Like something inside him
Matches something inside me.
Every detailed interest,
Every phase of life
So lovingly given a home
And displayed.
I want to run my fingers
Down the spines of his books
For the simple pleasure
Of the feeling.

It’s the first time
I’ve felt calm,
The first time,
I fit in a family,

I’m not afraid of any
Monstrous part of him,
Only praying nervous prayers
That I get to keep him.

He’s my
Good decision,
My happy thoughts.
He’s my love.

Whiskey kisses my lips,
and tickles the back of my throat
in friendly warmth.

My fingers are cold in the rented room I live in,
typing all feeling left in them into my laptop.

I am writing.
Writing hard about the things
that deprive me of sleep.

I am drinking,
just a nip here
and
there,
To trick my brain
into letting the truth escape.

There's a leash attached
Around my neck,
Pressing against my throat,
Limiting my breathing.
On the other end,
Is any stranger or passerby
To look at me too long,
Or mutter a greeting.

They exchange the noose,
Hand it off
To the next person in line,
Without a word.

The pain in my chest
Is dictated by strangers,
Without my consent
Your actions control me.

Anxiety
Is a leash,
Tightly wound around me.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.
I don't want to turn off the light,
And bounce around in my head
With the idea of a future
That you're not in.
But it's there.

I used to see a string,
Long and fleshy,
Reaching through highways
Connecting us together.
But I'm feeling it being sawed
Away
By me.
Though I wonder
If you severed it long ago.

There's cold sweat dripping
Down my forehead,
Down my neck,
Down my back,
I wish it could wash away
Your kisses,
And the craving
For your fingertips.

There's a dull sleepiness
Pounding on my head,
If I'm fatigued enough,
My thinking will get fuzzy,
So you can't let yourself in
Or out.
So I can have you
Without the hurt of you.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

Images of your head on my pillow
Smiling up at me,
While the morning light
Bathed your face,
And you smiled,
What I could've sworn was the most
Real
Smile I'd ever seen,
Are scratching at my eyes.

Lies are toxic.
You can't love someone,
And lie almost as often
As you draw breath,
But I wish you could.
I wish you could,
Because that would mean
You really do love me.

My thoughts are mean right now.
They want to tear at you,
The same way you tore at me.
While wanting to fall asleep with you,
And making it harder to say goodbye.

Don't leave me alone with my thoughts.

Say you love me,
Lie to me for one more night,
And say you love me.

I don’t envy the task
Set before you,
My love.
You’ve set out to love
An angry woman.

I’m never just angry with you.
I’m angry with the four men
Who’ve come before you.

I’m afraid you’ll leave because I’ve been left.
I’m afraid you’ll hurt my body
Because I’ve been hurt.
I’m afraid you’ll lie to me,
Because I’ve been lied to.

I have the fury
Of a daughter abused,
A high school lover
*****,
A recovering girl
Abandoned,
A runaway
Too drunk
To say no.

When I’m angry with you
Half of the anger
Was already there.

I don’t understand why
You choose to love me like this,
All I know is I’m grateful you do.
For that,
I will try my best
To forgive the men who
Have wronged me before you,
So that I can let go.

There's a pair
Of missing people,
Walking in the rain.

The pavement rough
Beneath their feet,
Scuffing at their shoes.
They walk together,
Through the puddles...
To the rhythm of
Their skipping hearts.

Their joined fingers are laced
With memories,
Happy and sad,
But shared together.
Their shoulders bump
Seeking each other's
Sweet familiar warmth
To guard them,
From the patter
Of the cold water.

There's a pair of Missing people.
You've passed them on
The street.
They eat at your favorite
Coffee shop,
And laugh at old jokes
To the sound
Of sipping lattes.

Their hands know
One another well.
And their smiles
Are always adorned
With thoughts of each other.

There's a pair of Missing people,
He plays with her hair.
There's a pair of Missing people,
As she leans against his chest.

There's a pair
Of missing people,
Who love each other so much.
But they were torn
Away.
There's a pair of Missing people...
Who only came close,
To being born.

My wrists are bound
With an old plastic
Rope,
You're dragging me along
The stoney earth.

My hair is a tangle
Of dead branches
And tall grass.

My arms and legs,
Are cut and scraped
From the dry ground.

My mouth and nose,
Are full of the dusty earth,
And I can't breathe anymore.

My clothes are torn,
My lips cracked
From the unforgiving sun,
My wrists are bleeding.

I don't know whether to struggle
Or lay down,
As you wrench me
Farther,
And
Farther,
From who I am.

My coffee got cold
as I sat and took
a big scary test,
that I passed all of,
except for the portion I failed.

I sipped the cold sweet latte
for comfort,
and the room temperature
liquid
washed over me.

It was snowing,
and the wet icy flakes
stung my face as I walked
to my favorite used clothing store.

I walked out again
with a luxurious pair
of twelve dollar jeans,
and a few shirts.
I splurged thirty-five
painful
dollars.

My now boyfriend
saw my ex boyfriend
walking the grounds of his college,
a rude text massage
and I knew he was there to stay.

Confirmation of my failed math test
echoed in my ears
as I talked to a very nice lady
on the phone.

Only a few minutes later
and the words of my mother
sound in my ears
telling me she made a mistake
again,
and I have to figure out
an insurance plan
on my own,
and she doesn't know how to advise me
either.

I cried into my salad
that I'm only eating
because
I hate my body,
and I feel like no one
can love me with it.

Cold coffee,
failed tests,
no money,
clothing that should be cheap
and was too expensive for me.
Worry
in every much needed expense.
Hunger in my belly
and hoping it will shrink.

It's just been a bad day.

I had a dream that you
Swallowed
a hand grenade.

The yellow sunlight licked
Our foreheads,
And the grass was heat baked
In the summer afternoon.
A boy with blond curls
Reclined under a tree,
School books scattered on the ground.
The air from 1966 tastes different.

I sit under the tree,
I stare the seventeen-year-old boy,
Who doesn't know me,
And will never want to.
He bats a fly away, lazily,
And inquires who I am,
And why I'm on his father's land.

"Why don't you love me?"
The question pumps through the blood
Roaring in my ears,
He passes me a quizzical look.  

Here,
On equal ground,
Him just beginning his life,
Me fighting through mine.
Caught in a time I've never known,
Him looking upon someone
From a future he's building.
This is where I want to ask him.
When his cheeks still have a youthful
Cheer,
This is the version of him I want to ask,
Here in the New York farmland,
Only gently caressed by civilization.
In his world before all the women,
And all the lies.
"Dad, why didn't you love me?"

It used to give me a sinking feeling inside,
A fear.
I would be happy, and my first thought would be that
Something
Bad
Was going to happen.

But not this time.

This time I know,
Something bad will happen,
And then that bad thing will end,
And then something good will happen again.
But it’s not the external events
I can’t control
That make me content,
It’s me.

And I’ve decided to be content.

“You don’t have to say you love me,
I will understand.
You don’t have to stay forever
Just because you can.”

I wasn’t enough.
You kept telling me to stop saying that.
But if you took our relationship and boiled it down to a sticky dark residue,
It would show you
I wasn’t enough.

We never said
We loved each other,
Until the end.

“Believe me,
Oh,
Believe me.”

Sitting in your car,
My hand on the door.
I had dabbed the edges of my eyes
To keep the perfectly applied makeup intact.
When I said it,
“I fell in love with you.”
Silence.

“You don’t have to say you love me,
Just because you can.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t love her the way I do,
Maybe I should’ve loved her the way I love you.”
I loved you in the quiet way.
In the way that made me pop the cap off of your beer,
Or walk up behind you and hug you.
In the way that made me stroke your forehead in your sleep,
And learn the touch of your hands.
I didn’t demand anything,
I never demanded from you.

“Believe me.
Oh, believe me.”

You loved me in the way that you would wash my dishes for me,
And give me rides to work
So I didn’t have to walk in the rain.
In the way that you’d cook for me,
And buy me extra towels.
We loved each other in action.
Without demanding anything from each other,
We let ourselves have room
But made clear we were each there.

“You don’t have to stay forever,
I will understand.”

I had it all figured out.
I forced myself to channel my love for you
Into our friendship.
I told myself every time I saw you
That you were never truly mine to lose.
That it was only a few weeks,
That we could make this work.
And then you said it...
“We might not always be friends, just keep an open mind.”
And I took it the way that made my chest swell with hope,
Instead of the way it was meant.

“Believe me,
Oh, believe me.”

And then
One drunken night
You slept over
In my small twin bed.
I tried to keep my body as far from yours
As possible.
I wanted to honor the woman
You were trying to have a family with.
But you touched me.
I told you to think about what you were doing.
You said you wouldn’t tell her,
I said that didn’t make it okay.

Please don’t make me love you again.
Please don’t stay forever,
I’m trying to move on.
Believe me.

As much as I’d tried
To hollow myself out
To make room for you,
The healthy side of me
Always fought back,
Fought to push you
Out again
Like an infection.

It hasn't rained in weeks.
If you pour water on the thirsty earth
The grass flies up around your ears
Dead.

There's something I learned
When I was young.
When someone is using your reaction
Against you,
Stop reacting.
There's nothing more unnerving
To an angry parent
Then a collected
Mundane
Face.

I could argue with the sky
For weeks,
Give it reasons,
Give it threats,
But it won't rain for me.

My darling,
She's built herself a desert
And you can't save her.
She's drained the water from her life,
So she wants yours.
Her feet are burning on her sand path
She's determined to walk,
But you can't pull her out.
A son can't be parent
To his mother.

When she is pushing you
Into a corner,
Spitting in your face,
And waiting for the satisfaction
Of your reaction,
Be the sky my love,
And stare at her
In a field of blue.
Save a little rain
For you.

People do talk,
And when they talk,
They ask me why I bother with you.

Because it stings
When I walk away.

My siblings,
Looking so far
Down their noses
The rest of us
Look small and insignificant.

I learned a very important
Lesson
When I almost succeeded
In committing suicide.

Suicide wasn’t about how I felt,
It was about how terribly uncomfortable
The attempt made everyone else.
How utterly inconvenient.

I lack finesse
And social grace,
I’m not particularly smart,
Or pretty
Or interesting,
And that makes me
Uncomfortable
For them.

I looked in the mirror
Last night
And made a detailed list
Of all the things I wanted to yell
At each
And every one
Of them.

Then it occurred to me,
Something amazing,
Fantastic even...
Something I should’ve understood
When I tried to tell people
I had been *****.

They
Don’t
Care.

I will destroy myself
In a million ways
To take care of people
Who won’t care about me.

I can throw love,
Money,
Everything
At them,
But nothing matters.

I told people I would’ve cut myself open for
That I tried to **** myself.

Not a call,
Or a text,
Or anything.
Nothing.
Radio silence
Fuzzy in my ears.

Because I don’t matter.
I’m not one of the important ones.

When I was just a girl,
And my face was being freshly painted
By puberty,
They each
Took a knife
And carved their names
Into the bottoms of my feet,
So it would always hurt
When I tried to walk away.

I made my own medicine,
Found the antidote
To the poison.
I’m wrapping my wounds
In bandages,
And I
Am walking
Away.

You weren’t ever supposed to leave,
And I wasn’t ever supposed to want to.

I’m an animal
On a leash
Attached to a pole.

I know I’m trapped,
But I see the glimmer
Of something maybe beautiful
And I run for it,
Only to be yanked back,
Coughing and panting.

I’m a beast,
Held back by my own
Sadness,
And I keep forgetting it’s there...
But it’s there.

Every one of my belongings with me
Is damp from the mist of night.
The smell of the fire is in my hair,
Hair has a habit of holding scents
And thoughts
And hands.

My head is like the sun right now,
With planets orbiting.
Each planet it’s own worry,
The surrounding asteroid belt
Is just raindrop fears on a tin roof.

The trees were supposed to hide me.
The leaves were supposed to cradle me.

High school was never supposed to end,
We were all supposed to stay the best of friends.

If anything has become evident on this little trip,
This galavant across the countryside
It is that we aren’t one life anymore,
We are four.

My body is walking around,
Functioning,
Doing what needs to be done.
Work, laundry,
Showering, cleaning,
Waking up.
But my mind
Is a dark blue balloon
Tied to my wrist
Trailing behind me.

Your words
Painted my face and body
With dull
Ugly colors.

My thoughts
Painted my face and body
Into a garden landscape.

The grill is smokey and black
Grease sizzles
And pops
Splashing into my face,
And up my arms
Leaving
A seemingly random
Family
Of blotchy red dots.

My lips have met
Many dangerous things.
Burning beverages,
Men’s bodies,
Even once
A slightly illegal herb.
Tonight it’s candy bars
And cigarettes.

I woke up
In someone else’s life.
I woke up and suddenly
I worked at a disorganized cafe,
I lived in a strange house,
in a strange town.

The grease
Sparks
And hits
Just above my right eye,
I gasp in surprise and pain,
And withdraw my hand,
But the job must be done,
And I’m back at it again.

I puff my cigarette
On a strange front porch,
That I rent
The privilege
Of sitting on.
I consume a favorite chocolate bar,
Which is something I never used to do.
Take deep breaths,
And try to forget
This new life
I fought so hard for.

I never thought
I’d be the girl to choose,
But here you are
Each begging I choose you.
But I choose me
Always.

Murky brown water,
Probably won't last long.

I've perched myself on a stone wall
In a graveyard
This muggy evening.
My pail redhead skin
And maroon painted toes
Are a startling contrast
Against the dark
Evaporating stream below me.

Softened stones, And scared thoughts,
Probably won't last long.

The adjusting of the season
Leaves mowed grass spat
Out by a man-made monster
In the water,
And orange tainted leaves.
Small fish bicker with each other,
And turn over with a glint
If their silver bellies.
My stomach is tight
With anxiety.

Mud caked banks,
Probably won't last long.

A dragonfly
Befriends my toes,
Green shine,
Suspended in the air.
My fears for my future
Buzzing in my head.
Crickets clicking
At the sinking sun.
The abundance of rain
Must have overfilled this brook in the early summer,
And now it's dying.

There's so much hope for me, and my "talents", my bright future.
It probably won't last long.

I think
This is what it is
To have a fairytale inn.

To have a well-tread floor
Familiar with the feet
Of the familiar faces.

To put food into hungry bellies,
Remember names and orders.
Remember bits and pieces of lives
Shared over the sunrise.

To see the backs
Bent from work
And stiff from harsh weather
Straightened with cups of coffee.

To smell the smells
Only a busy kitchen
Can offer you,
Wash dishes with dry,
cracking hands.
To ladle soup, and plop cookies
Into white paper bags.

I think
This is what it is
To have a fairytale inn.

I think about death now,
Not in the scary way.

Not in the burning rage
Of hating myself
And my life.

But in the quiet loneliness,
The silent solitude.
It doesn’t burn,
It soothes.

Death feels like some magical
Place
I could escape to.

You know when you’re trying
To spread frozen butter
On a piece of bread
And it keeps ripping
At the slice?
It’s silly,
But that’s how I feel
About everything.

Death isn’t a scary
Last resort to me
Anymore,
It’s a comforting
“Just in case.”

“Emotions make people interesting.”

That made my world stop
Spinning.

I’ve controlled all I am
My whole life.

It’s been an internal monologue,
Don’t say too much,
Don’t laugh too much,
Don’t hurt too much,
Don’t let anyone completely in,
Don’t be vulnerable,
Don’t cry,
Don’t get too excited,
Don’t be angry.

Someone
Who
Could be okay with me
Being too much?
How?

If it wasn’t the most beautiful
Thing
I’ve ever seen,
It was one of them.

Floating white seeds,
Overwhelming the air.

The wind blew down a gust
Of them,
It was as if the air was water to them,
Roaming in slow motion,
Only disturbed by the ripples
Of my breath.

The sun was almost completely gone,
Nothing but an eyelash
On the horizon,
It turned every perfect puff
Blue.

I ran out to them
Allowing childlike desires
To overtake me.
The simple pleasure
Of knowing my body was in their midst,
That they would touch me
And be soft.

The memory still haunts me,
And I don’t mind.

I know the signs
For when I crash.
I know I’m crashing
Right
Now.

He came into my life
Like a brightly colored paint splash,
He got all over everything,
Splatters everywhere.

And now I will cut him out,
Gently and neatly
Score around him,
Trace the patterns he left,
And then remove him.

It’s night
I’m sitting in a bar,
Sipping a foreign strange tea
That makes my tongue numb,
And my brain calm.
There’s faint tribal music playing
Incense burning
Evaporating
The raw feeling
In the back of my head
From picking apart my brains.
There he is,
Silver hair,
Twinkling boyish laughter,
And eyes that I catch wandering.

After a few drinks
I recline in one of the arm chairs
My head tilts back
Over the cushion
Neck stretched
Hair tumbling down behind the chair
In a red waterfall,
Loose shirt
Falling down my body
Exposing my *******.
He walks by,
And lingers just an extra second.
He told me he was looking
And that I have beautiful skin.

A free drink,
A heavy handed pour,
Feeling his gaze
Burning into my body,
Down my head,
Neck,
Shoulders,
Small of my back,
Everything,
Drinking me in
As I walk away.
He told me himself.

Silver hair,
An eighty’s rocker,
Singer songwriter,
An interesting story
In a tempting binding.

If I have daddy issues,
Maybe he’s how I explore them.

I wanted to write
Something perfect.

But,
“Pobody is nerfect.”

Every sunbaked afternoon,
And rainy day,
Every crunch
Beneath my feet
Of salt and snow,
Every deap breath,
On my way
To an hour of safety.

Did I ever tell you
That I liked to
Stare intently at
The fiber art on the wall
Of the third floor waiting room?
There one that looks like a waterfall,
One that looks like eggs,
And one that looks like
An angry speech bubble.

I remember being young,
And not telling you
The whole truth,
Then growing up,
And shifting uncomfortably
In my chair
While being more honest
Than I knew I could be.

You had a white electric tea ***
On your windowsill,
Kept company
By a stack of colorful mugs,
(The orange one was my favorite.)
I recall sipping tea with you
When I had a cold.

Pobody’s nerfect.
Who is “them”?
Feel your feels.
I am a mountain.

I talk a lot,
And I mean a lot...
I’m sure
You already know that.
But I don’t have the words
For years
Of smiling,
Crying,
And bad words,
Growing up,
Smeared makeup,
My first job,
And learning
To love myself.

I hope you have
A tea ***
In your new office,
And your cat clock.

I hope someone else
Gets to grow up
With your help,
And remembers the things
That I remember.
I’m sure many already have.

Thursday’s were for breathing,
Tuesday’s were for closure.

I’m going to live my life
Carrying your words
Tucked behind my ear,
And I’m going to make you proud.

Thank you,
For the high speed
Emotional
Puberty.

-Layna

The grass was overgrown,
And stubbornly fought
Against the clean sheet we layed
On it.
I made you paint,
And the floating haze in the air
Stung my eyes.

I knew something was wrong,
We all did.
We saw your emotions
Doing backflips
And pirouettes.
We saw your sleep
Running away from you,
We saw the music clouding up
Your thoughts
So they couldn't hurt you.

But none of us knew
How wrong it was.

I took two terra-cotta
Flower pots
In hand,
And declared it a lovely day.
You deemed it dismal.
I waltzed into the yard,
With bottles of bright paint,
And soft brushes.
I made you sit
In the oppressive sunshine,
With insects
Whizzing around our ears
To paint flower pots.

On a long dog walk at midnight,
You finally told me half of the truth.
That you were having problems.

The grass was still lively
And springy,
It was after the drought.
You dribbled paint
In pretty patterns,
And I tried to convince myself
This was good for you.

It was the small early hours
Of the morning,
Lit with fairy lights,
And your humidifier
Puffing in the corner,
That you told me the whole truth.

You had given yourself until September.

Printed an expiration date
On your forehead.
And I wish I could say
In that moment I knew what to do.

It's been a while now,
I'd like to think
I don't have to worry anymore,
But I do.
So in case I should,
I love you.

I love you,
And I promise to never make you
Sit in the sun
And paint again.

I never said the words
“I tried to **** myself”
To my sister.

We prefer to use things like
“I went through a hard time.”
And occasionally I’ll flippantly say
“I tried to off myself.”

“Suicide”
Is a word
That I’m afraid to utter
For fear
Of upsetting the balance.

She never asked,
I think she thought
That made it easier for me.
But I was found
On a kitchen floor
Passed out,
Covered in my own
*****.
And she never asked
What happened that night.

It hurts the people who love you
When you try to die.
It hurts them so much they can’t talk about it.

I need to.

I need to be able to say
That I tried to do that to myself.

That I was in so much pain
I started to self destruct.

I need to say it out loud
Because I need someone to care
That I did it.

At the dinner table,
We talk about how everyone’s day was,
And I usually say too much
Or get too intense,
And I don’t realize until I’m hushed.

We talk about scarves,
And discount shampoo,
And boys,
And the kids,
And church.

But I don’t really have friends anymore,
I wish you knew that you were just about it.
I wait for you to get home
With your family dog,
We share the same lonely eagerness.

But I’m extra.
I shouldn’t be here.
It’ll be better when I’m gone.

If we all never talk about it,
I guess it’s like it never really happened.

I didn’t mean
To become
The cautionary tale
From my youth.

I only meant
To be free.

need a song so badly
you can't breathe?

But nothing fits.

Nothing plays back the story in your head
and makes sense of it.

Nothing mimics your racing heartbeat
in dark validation
until it slows down.

Every fiber of me cried out
In that moment,
“You don’t want to drive away,
You just don’t want to hurt him with the dark thought that took up your headspace last night.”
But that only made me cry harder,
And drive faster.

I can see your hair,
Winding up,
Up,
Towards the sky,
Shining in the sun,
Like seaweed.
Your hands are
Gripping the ocean
Floor,
Holding tight
To ancient wreckage
At the bottom of the sea.

Bubbles
Dance up to the surface,
From your lips,
You're running out of
Air
Under there.
I dive down,
Down,
Into the murky water,
So low
I can feel the pressure
On my chest.

I extend my arm,
Grabbing onto you,
Before anymore harm
Is done.
But you push me away,
Back up to the
Cold wind.
I get a glimpse of your eyes,
Closed.

I'm watching you,
Lose more oxygen,
I'm watching you,
Knowingly drowning.
Afraid to see the life beyond
This,
And I can't save you,
But I keep trying to.

I carved a pipe
out of my stony disposition
and breathed dreams in.

the smoke curled up,
up,
up,
into my eyes,
leaving my vision clouded,
and head dizzy.

Light me up
a pipe dream.
think me up
an unthinkable.
Let me conceive
with a ****** thought.

My drug of choice
is imagination
and fear of sharing.

I love to dance naked
into your eyes,
and play with your thoughts
all day.
All I need is paper.

Have a hit.

A thin layer of dust
Has fallen over me.

Draped itself
Over the pathways in my brain,
Coated every toe,
Every pore,
Every inch of me.

I’ve put myself
Up on the shelf,
Closed a cupboard
Door
Over my individuality.

I’m just trying to survive right now.

It baffles me
That there are people in this world
Who just
Do
Things.
Just do things,
And only question if they want to,
Not agonize
Over whether or not
It’s the right thing,
If the action’s
Equal opposite reaction
Will destroy some aspect
Of themself,
Or others.

I question
Every moment
Whether I’m wrong,
If I’m hurting something.

It makes me afraid to move.

So I let dust collect
Over myself,
Perfectly good joints
Rust solid,
Eyes glaze over,
Body fossilizes.
Because that’s
So much easier,
Than picking myself apart,
Trying to be perfect.

It’s so much easier
To be nothing
Instead of
An impossible
Perfect something.

"It's easy with you,
I don't worry about you not being there,
I don't freak out when I get a text from you.
being with you
makes sense,
It's easy."
He says it as if it should be comforting.

"But that isn't love,"
I didn't want to say it,
but it came out anyway.

Easy,
Easy,
EASY.

On our first date I knew I wanted you,
you didn't have to chase me,
you didn't have to try and guess
if I liked you.
I liked you.
I woke up next to you that morning.
Easy.
I'm easy.

You couldn't be with me then, though.
Because it was just a bit of fun.
it was just a bit of easy
no commitment
fun.
I knew that,
at least I thought I did.

Yet you found your way into bed with me
two more times.

And then your really knew you had to stop,
we had to just be friends.
I didn't matter,
I was easy.

Two weeks later,
I'm with you for a weekend,
we're in bed again.
I don't know how to get people to love me
I just know how to get attention.
Easy.

That last day
you demanded an answer from the other girl
in your heart,
made her tell you if she wanted you,
and she said no.
So you asked me,
I said yes,
I didn't make you wait even an hour.
Easy.

I knew I wanted you.
it wasn't a complex decision for me.
Easy.

I met your family,
we all loved each other,
no drama,
no difficulty,
Easy.

Your grandfather died,
you knew I was there for you,
you knew that I'd hold you hand,
your family's hand,
I'd be right there,
ready to help with whatever you needed,
Easy.

Easy,
Easy,
EASY.

I didn't make him chase me,
I didn't make him wait.
I'm just a bit of fun attached to open arms.
No responsibility,
just forgiveness,
and love.
Easy.

I didn't put value on myself,
so neither did he.

I'm supposed to trust him,
but I don't.

Easy

I confess,
My blood pounds in my ears,
And my mouth opens before my head catches up to it.

I’ve only ever lived for others.

When I didn’t want to be alive anymore,
I kept going
Not for myself,
But for others.

I’ve been taken from my lifeline,
My codependent
Reason for living.
Other people.

So now I have to slap my own wrist
When I go to help someone,
Keep to myself
Before I try to keep someone.
Live selfishly,
And hope to find myself.

My mouth gets ahead
If my head.
And suddenly I’m saying things
Like “I love you,” and
“Leave me alone.”

My way of self preservation
Was to invest in others
For so long,
And now it must be
To keep only to me.
And I don’t know if I want that life.

Easy there, Ginger.
Quiet your tone.
Don’t let yourself get angry,
Sit there
And take it.
If you want to
Survive.

So I know
It’s been a while,
And clean cut
Christian kids
Cut out of the same cloth
Like paper snow flakes
Aren’t exactly the easiest for me to fit in with,
But here we are.

I’m a tapestry
Of giving in
To temptation,
The occasional witch craft,
And even drugs,
But I know how to play the part.

I just can’t breathe while doing it.

Take out a glass,
Fill it with ice,
Shake your pride with it
And swallow it.

As the evening sun
Was setting
I was looking up into his eyes
Pleasuring him,
Swirling pretty pictures
With my tongue.
And now
In the night low light
I look up at a steeple.

I don’t belong here any more.
I never did,
But I used to try.
And now
It all feels empty.