If you get it, you lost it.


I am here
(On this platform it is evident for your reading now)
I express myself
(Heads scratching, wondering what and how?)


I share pieces of me
(A defragmented glimpse of an experience deemed ‘worthwhile')
Callous, sensuality?
(Or a traitor in sheep cosplay?)


A dead-end hi-way?
Or this pawn from yesterday?
Here, your final say


This family we never asked
Amontillado without it's cask
Dry and cheery
Heart’s are bleary
We own this laborious task

My sins are scrollable, thumbed in haste,
Wrapped in ribbons of curated taste.
A gallery of masks, all timed just right,
My shadow dances in the ring light.
What of shame when shame gets likes?
What of thought when thought’s in spikes?
I weep in drafts, but post a grin—
The world won’t wait for the shape I’m in.
So brand the bruise, then sell the hue:
A wellness tip in sponsored blue.
This self I host in feedback’s cage—
A pet, a post, a digital page.
I bare my soul (or just its shell).
You’ll never know. I sell it well.

I logged on seeking something undefined,
A tether, maybe—some reciprocal ache.
But all I found were mirrors misaligned,
Each smile too wide, each word opaque.

The comments pile like leaves, not read.
Applause from ghosts, replies from ghosts.
I feed the feed, it feeds instead—
A hunger that consumes its hosts.

I draft a truth. I dress it twice.
Add polish. Then delete.
I write in blood, convert to nice,
Make trauma fit a beat.

No lesson left. No higher shelf.
Just one more version of myself.

I cried for two years.
every day, all day.
Cara wanted to marry me.
I was hesitant. At that time,
I didn't know why.
Much later, when I was
in therapy, I came to realize
that, in the past, I unconsciously
feared that if I married,
most likely we would
have children, and quite
probably, we would have
a boy, and unconsciously
I feared I would treat
my son the same way
my father had treated me.
My father had treated me
harshly. He never told me
he loved me. I will spare you
the details. Cara grew increasingly
angry toward me for another year.
She used jealousy to try to
get me to marry her. She
swam in her swimming pool,
but when she dried off, I saw her
bruised *****, which I knew
I had not caused. When I saw
it, I went into shock and suffered
involuntary kundalini, which lasted
six years. After all those years
of excruciating pain, I finally
recovered. All this happened
45 years ago, but some days
I feel as though it happened
yesterday.

TOD HOWARD HAWKS

I’ve got a paper heart and a rock hard brain
It’s hard as any stone; harder that any pain
Now, my paper heart; it bleeds quite well
Look through my eyes and you can surely tell

Love is a tragedy; it’s all systems fail
All that’s good and right, all that’s what the hell
Paper hearts can’t crush a mind of stone
Paper hearts, they only cry when they’re alone

The paper folds quite easily; in the creases you will see
All there is to find and all there will ever be
Solid ground is where you like to run around
And here you are in the lost and found

Paper hearts and rock hard brains
Harder that the hardest pains
Paper hearts with your creases deep
Which of my secrets will you forever keep

Si tú eres la yegua de ámbar
                    yo soy el camino de sangre
Si tú eres la primer nevada
                    yo soy el que enciende el brasero del alba
Si tú eres la torre de la noche
                    yo soy el clavo ardiendo en tu frente
Si tú eres la marea matutina
                    yo soy el grito del primer pájaro
Si tú eres la cesta de naranjas
                    yo soy el cuchillo de sol
Si tú eres el altar de piedra
                    yo soy la mano sacrílega
Si tú eres la tierra acostada
                    yo soy la caña verde
Si tú eres el salto del viento
                    yo soy el fuego enterrado
Si tú eres la boca del agua
                    yo soy la boca del musgo
Si tú eres el bosque de las nubes
                    yo soy el hacha que las parte
Si tú eres la ciudad profanada
                    yo soy la lluvia de consagración
Si tú eres la montana amarilla
                    yo soy los brazos rojos del liquen
Si tú eres el sol que se levanta
                    yo soy el camino de sangre

Before I met my wife
I was incomplete
Now I'm finished.

It doesn’t grow; it lingers.
Clings to ice older than regret, green with memory no world was there to gather.

The silence hums like a forgotten vow, not broken, just orbiting its chance to be said.

Moss dreams in spores and spores of maybe.
Each tendril reaching for a gravity that will not claim it.

This is not nature.
It’s ritual.
A fuzzed hymn to the act of staying where leaving has already begun.

So the comet loops, wearing time’s soft refusal.
And we, the flinch, the breath halfway drawn, call that orbit "now."

She’s ready for a new chapter.
But is the new chapter ready for her?
She’s punk again as expected.
The cuts are holes for light to shine, from the lightning and thunder inside.

The plasters are lovers covering the wounds.
The Avocado for comfort and health.
The only way in which she takes care.
The rest is filled with beer and pain au chocolat.

For the pain, the discomfort, uncertainties.
The chains.
The chains remain.
The brain and tying ends together, pressure.
She’s getting ready.
Always getting ready.
But is she ever?

At least for the new chapter, the moment, she tries.
But it doesn’t feel right.
A little better after getting it together, over and over.
She’s never done.

Last night I opened the door to a fear I do not know,
a stranger from the street.
Its overwhelming silhouette now casting over my feet.

It greeted me like a neighbour,
tightly gripping at my hand,
a warmth not becoming of the spectre I did not understand.

For my life I've carried this scar.
A symbol of my mother's mercy,
A blessing of a life for which others have been thirsty.

I quietly parade it in defiance,
that slender crescent moon,
rising from my skin so as not to be forgotten.

Now I stand at the doorway of my conscience
and warily make acquaintance,
with the helpless fear that long feasted on my mother's patience.

1 Ring
5 Rings
10 Rings
20 Rings…

I was just sleeping—
walking down the stairs
with heavy feet.

The window cracks
shining light to my face—
tempting me back to bed.
Opposite of a charming kiss
given unto a princess in slumber.

…

But I cant go to sleep
as she doubled the rings on the door.

So I opened the door
and like a dead corpse,
I faded by the light.

“Ahhh.”

At that moment
I remembered what I dreamt of…

“Lying and Semaniusly”
Blurted out
as I realized
I was already blocked?

“That makes no sense!”
I thought to myself.

Why would they do that?
What was the reason for it?
Was it necessary?

All of these questions
and my mind was tied
to the self-deprecating rings
that stopped me
from searching in this dream.

———————————-

To acknowledge
that I left the dream confused
was frustrating.

But cleanly
I came out of the dream—
and had to check
if it really was a dream…

Contumely so—
I left with a new word.

“Semaniusly”?

Not all rivers
end up in the ocean–
doesn't make their journey
less worthy.

Not all love
ends up in a lover's arms–
doesn't make it any less
worthy.

I bite.
Not with teeth.
with silence,
with sharp glances,
with walls built higher than your reach.

I’m not cruel.
I’m just tired
of being kind first
and torn apart second.

You call it attitude.
I call it armor.
Because being soft
never saved me.
It only made the fall hurt more.

So I speak less now.
Agree less.
Trust less.
I pull away before someone has the chance
to walk out first.

It’s not that I don’t want love.
I’ve learned that even “I care about you”
can come with conditions.
Even soft hands
can leave bruises
you can’t see.

I bite
because once,
I didn’t.
And it nearly broke me.

Dark clouds come and go,
but the sun always stays.

Yet every dark cloud manages
to leave behind a scar–

one that even the blazing sun
can neither erase nor hide.

Amado es la palabra que en querer se concreta;
Nervo es la vibración de los nervios del mal.
¡Bendita sea y pura la canción del poeta
que lanzó sin pensar su frase de cristal!...Fraile de los suspiros, celeste anacoreta,
que tienes en blancura l'azúcar y la sal,
muéstrame el lirio puro que sigues en la veta,
y hazme escuchar el eco de tu alma sideral.Generoso y sutil como una mariposa,
encuentra en mí la miel de lo que soy capaz,
y goza en mí la dulce fragancia de la rosa.No busques en mis gestos el alma de mi faz;
quiere lo que se aquieta, busca lo que reposa
y ten, como una joya, la perla de la Paz.

I met Joan Baez in my sleep.
She whispered her poems and
sang her songs. I fell in love
with her instantly. DIAMONDS
AND RUST she sang in my
dreams. Linda Ronstadt sang
LONG, LONG TIME to me.
I cried in her hair, so fair was
she. We made love for eternity.
Ingrid Bergman came into my
life a long time ago. I was
mesmerized by her luminescent
beauty. She walked into my
life 20 minutes into CASA-
BLANCA. I was transfixed.
But it was Audrey Hepburn
who stole my heart. Tiny and
radiant, Audrey saw and
held and fed starving
children around the globe.
She entered my heart and
kissed my soul and never
left my life. Bless you, Audrey.

TOD HOWARD HAWKS

One should not be too straightforward. Go and see the forest.
The straight trees are cut down, the crooked ones are left standing.
Kuulilya, Indian philosopher third century BC

"Listen to elders"
I always hear here and there
"Even fools grow old"

don't touch me
i'm scared of what will happen
if i forget to not feel

and if you get too close
and you pull away
i'm scared that i'll finally break

Éclair My Heart

Fill me up with custard’s glow,  
soft as secrets whispered low.  
Chocolate coat our midnight vows,  
each bite a bow that time allows.  

Glossy tease of vanilla sighs—  
declare your love in pastry cries.





.

Birthed a victim,
raised a suspect.

Trauma,trauma,trauma

To their hands,
from their hands.

Pain,pain,pain

Heartbreak inevitable,
heartbreak forever.

Hate,hate,hate

Mentally, physically,
physically, emotionally.

Abuse,abuse,abuse

Self defense mechanisms,
self sabotage mental illness.

Aware,aware,aware

Life is patterns,
patterns are life.

Broken,broken,broken

Safety required to grow,
safe environment necessary also.

Grow,grow,grow

People make mistakes,
God made people.

Forgive,forgive,forgive

If not yourself,
no one else you can.

You,you,you

If you cannot,
don’t feel bad.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE,
alone I remain.

Me,me,me

For some pain cannot be overcame,
for some pain like mine.

Tough,tough,tough

It’s not my fault,
fault I cannot change.

Past,past,past

Pain,pain,pain

Tough,tough,tough

Me,me­,me

You,you,you?

Aware,aware,aware

Trauma,trauma.trauma

Hate,­hate,hate

Abuse,abuse,abuse

Broken,broken,broken

Forgive,forgi­ve,forgive

Grow,grow,grow!

YOU’RE NOT ALONE,
nor am I!


Same words, different order, new pattern, new love
BREAK PATTERNS

i’ve always been the third wheel,
the pity friend,
the background character.
i’ve always been another body-
just to make the group an even number,
another voice-
just to make the laughter slightly louder,
another wallet-
just to make the split cost a little cheaper.

My granddaughter and me
the best artists to ever be!
We make, we write, we draw wild things,
So strange and bold, with scribbled wings.
We paint the sun with purple glue,
And give the moon a mohawk too.
We turn the clouds into mashed potatoes,
And make giraffes wear sweet pink halos.
You might look once and raise your brow,
“Is that a dragon... or a cow?”
But we just laugh and say with glee:
“You don’t see it? That’s on you, not me!”
We’re the best and no need to boast
Of silliness, we make the most.
So when you see our crazy art,
Know it's made with love and heart.

I need friend
To spend these empty days of mine
Where I talk to myself
And try to make myself happy

To have a coffee
To drink a little bit
To take a walk
To give a hug

The universe wants me cold
As I live this solitary life.

I woke up early that day
but once I peeled open my eyes
realisation clouded them
as reality blinded me,

I fell asleep that day
despiration pulling me away
from the atrocities of the waking world
as I lay in bed crying and wailing,

A bit of me died with you that day
as my heart did fall apart
solemn and invisible
but I still feel you now
and know you never left
because I woke up early that day
to spend more time with you.

Some friendships are timeless
Some don't stand the test of time
You can listen and care but can't fix them or repair them
Once that risks your health
You limit visits and communication
It hurts but change is never easy
A new  life lesson
Unfortunately,still learning
Debbie and Donny Downer limited
Polly and Paul Positive Welcome