a year ago
i merely knew your name

a friend of friends
but nothing more

who would've thought that
you would pick me
and i would pick you

i handled you leaving better than i thought i would
but it's been a month
and im getting bad again
you're not here
and i know it wasn't fully your choice
but i miss you
i see your face and i choke up
you're hundreds of miles away
and i need you to come home

“I keep telling myself maybe we were too young, like meeting at 15 years old wasn’t old enough for you to keep me around. I guess we both had a lot of living left to do like new people to meet, other people to ‘love’ and new places to see. But as the days turn into months and months will eventually turn into years do you go looking for me in others, do you do things that we used to do, just so i cross your mind on purpose? When you are 18 and realize you can make your own decisions, without your high school friends that you don’t see anymore or when your parents finally get off your back, will you look me up on some social media site and realize I look different like my hair is shorter and I dyed it blonde, will you look at my smile and realize I don’t smile the way I used to smile when we were young and in love, will you notice little changes that only you and I would notice? Do you ever think of your future and hope somehow someday we will meet again, the same way we met that first time when we were both 15 and never felt love like this before… I know for sure that days turned into months and even when they turn into years my love for you will never die, until I do. But even when I’m six feet under your voice will still remain in my ears and your touch is all my skin will feel and your face is all my eyes will see, but at least I won’t be able to feel the aching pain in my heart every time I hear your name or when someone asks me about my first love.”

you're asleep
and i think
im finally
coming to
realize how
much i
actually like
you.

I tried,
I tried so hard.
Thumbs hovering over the unwritten words,
I tried so hard to resist texting you.
I tried so hard to not be the first one,
To not be the one giving all the effort.

Day One,
Friends don't have to text everyday.

Day Two,
Self esteem goes down,
You're let down.

Suddenly it's Day Four,
You keep on a painted smile.
You act like you're fine.
You actually think you may get through this.

Day Seven,
The day everything sets in.
You didn't pass the test,
You couldn't.
You broke down.
You relapsed.

It's when Day Seven comes around that you realize you weren't,
Happy enough,
Strong enough,
Funny enough,
Cute enough,

Good enough.

So you sit there,
Under running water,
You wish you could drown.
You silently cry,
Hoping no one will hear your escaping sobs.

It's Day Seven when you realize,
They're fine without you.

It's Day Seven when you realize,
You can't be fixed.

I should've* put on a fake smile.
I should've pushed through it all.
I should've acted happy.

Maybe then, I wouldn't have lost you.
Maybe then, I wouldn't have drowned myself in alcohol that night.
Maybe then, I wouldn't be dead inside.

I recall once upon a time, when you held me, you said you loved me.
I remember sharing laughs and smiles, making memories.
Now, you're making new memories, sharing love.
Not even eleven days later.

Maybe, you didn't love me.
And maybe, I was just an object that had no meaning, just a title.

she drank too much
couldnt even walk
eyes blurred
but she managed to
make her way
down to the fence
broken down
like all their memories
touched waters
and her blood ran cold

"oh how beautiful
purple to pink"
everyone thinks
except me
because my favorite time
is right before dawn
the darkest time

"He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself"

i had a dream about you last night
and i want to tear myself up
and bleed out

I never really knew what pain was like until I woke up mid-sleep and had a longing feeling for you, or when I have a dream about you and I wake up to see you're not there. I never really knew what it was like to miss someone until our fingertips stopped finding each other's warmth and our bodies didn't connect or fall together anymore. And I didn't know what it was like to love or be loved, until your eyes searched for mine in a crowded room or our thoughts connected by the way our eyes met.

over the years
ive learned that promises arent forever
not everyone can be saved
and sometimes broken people are better alone

ive witnessed a girl push everyone away
trying to save herself
she poured her heart out on paper
finding company with ink and paper

the second time this week
and i crave you more now
burn my throat and make
me dizzy, i love it

blank walls
and empty thoughts
the shadow falling in the back

no one knows who she is
anymore
and they can't ask
because she doesn't know
who she is anymore either

numb
with no words
limp
with no emotion

you are
the words
that flow from my mind

you are
the shine
that fills in my eyes

you are
the inspiration of all i do
and i really think
i love you

with my
messy hair
and your
tshirt
on me
and not
on you
i remember
that we had
the greatest
night
ever known

and since forever
i thought i was actually going to be okay
i actually thought i had gotten over you

but then i heard my name escape your lips
and your eyes follow the shape of my body
and everything that i felt the minute before
crumbled to the floor
and i was back in this misery