you are literally haunting me tonight
this is a strange dream
and I don't know if it is the alcohol

you are also there
why are you in my dreams?
I have not felt you in a long time

there are these others that give me butterflies

i go to high school
the love of my life and I are together
he is here too

flashback
we are crying
flashback
I am on his lap and he is singing in my ear
flashback
he grabs my wrist too hard this time
flash back
I wake up with a smile hearing him in the shower
flashback
my mouth is awoken with kissing and tickles
flashback
he is crying and I don't know why
GOD PLEASE I'LL BELIVE FOR HIM
he cannot stop
sit down babe sit down
his eyes are so red
like blood

I don't want to cry
I need to be strong like always
I am a Stamm
I am STRONG

he is falling around
God help me please
what is happening to his brain

flash forward
the next morning

you didn't talk about it
you didn't want to
just Xanax

I have this dream
where you won't stop crying
and you won't tell me why
I am just trying to be ******* strong ******* it!! I LOVE YOU!! LOOK AT ME!! SHOULD I CALL AN AMBULANCE?! PLEASE BABE I AM SO SCAred.
Please
babe. Look at me why are you crying.
'whispers'
       please babe just tell me why are you crying
please it's ok it's ok please it's ok it's ok


my tears fall down the dark nape of your neck and your large head is cradled in my arms
I sat on his lap
but I cradled his 200lb body with the 150lbs I had
he shook and it used to wake me up at night
he would get the shivers
and I was so afraid he would "be like a cup, spilling over with just a touch"
I found out that day that love can really hurt
I found out that day I was in love...


flash forward
I've been taking benzos the past week
it amazes me how I feel so much relief
when even a piece of anxiety
flutters
like a moth off my neck

then they wear off
and I hate my true feeling

who knows how many I've taken
blacking out is my trend again

i am going to go to sleep now
please stay away

I only cry about you once a week now!!!
Once a week Justice!!
If you could read this I think you would be proud of me.
I hope one day when we are older we can talk like we weren't lovers.

I am sorry I touched your face Justice.
That was very immature.
I guess the best thing to say, is when someone is passionate.... When someone truly would put their life on the line for a person, in this case two people... And they do something that would normally hurt her....

I wanted to **** myself.... ok?
I thought I mattered to only two people
and it turned out I didn't.
I have never been so broken in my entire life.

Not as broken all of the neglect and mental abuse from an alcoholic father,
from being kicked out of my own house at 18,
having a mother who called me fat since I was 11,
not from having a boyfriend who hit me when I was 15,
worse than hiding my cut marks with silly bands in middle school ,
no you know I was broken by something else.

The love of my life and the best friend of my life going behind my back and being together.

My "future husband" hah
and my maid of "honor".      ****

But I fought through everything
through the cutting
the binge drinking
******* to feel something ANYTHING
requesting rough ***
starving myself
going through a car accident
I made it back.


Without the help of you two.

Now I work with kids 4 days a week, I am Ms.Shauna Mon - Wednesday for 2,3,4, and 5th graders, and on Thursday's I am Coach Stamm. I empower young girls to love who they are and to be healthy and to stomp any bad feeling about themselves with every stride in every cross country run.

So


Please leave me alone.
Figure all of your ****** **** up now
I'll do the same to you.
please please for my mental state

the moment i realized that i would love you no matter who you loved and what you decided to do with your life whether it included me or not was the moment that i realized i was never going back and you would be pulsating through my veins forever.

I knew. I just knew.

I would be back into your arms
You've been in my mind since we kissed
Your everything engulfs my dreams
It wakes Me up with feeling

I'm so happy
I can't wait to be with you
Your tattoo will look fantastic
You're what I want

The tall gangly limbs are perfect
Your smile
Squinty eyes
It all warms my heart

Now my throat won't close when I see you
Everything is going to be okay
It's going to be okay
All okay
Okay

If I was given a day
  By god
  Or whatever force there may be
It would be with you
In an empty room
  and you would speak to me
I would ask no questions
Utter no words
Invisible buttons would be connecting my lips

You would speak of it all
What makes you laugh
Favorite memories
Why you're so shy
  your weak spots

If you're selfish
what side of the bed you like
hot or cold  
sweet or sour
Marvel or DC

I would watch
knuckles cracking
touseling of thick hair
squinty giggles

My heart would grow immensely
With every
   Secret.  Hobby.  Weakness.  Preference.

watching your lips move
and your face morph
With every emotion

my heart would reach to you in sorrows
and leap at triumphs

Butterflies would become a typical occurrence
a smile tattooed on my face

that's all I desire
You
  I
voluntarily trapped in a room
shedding our skin
specifically yours

in no way is that strange
In fact   it's beautiful

my name is shauna
i say im hot as a sauna
because that's the first
bar that i ever rap
no this is a poem
it's not a trap
to get you to listen
to what i could be spittin

or could i?
try?
to be
fly
like the
guys

but i'm a female in this world
filled with darkness, i hurled
threw up inside
when i found out my little cousin
was touched by some big scary man
i wasn't there to protect her
and society will neglect her
probably shame her
maybe even blame her
because of what she was wearing
how could you possibly be caring
about
or even
doubt
that a little
girl
with a small small
world
would fill it
with this scary
hairy
demon that i would ****** if i got my hands around his throat...

i don't mean to go
too far
it's just
when trust
is taken
forsaken
from a 3 year old girl
who will now question her world
and why it is so scary
and will be afraid of all the
hairy
men
because of that scary
demon
who took her spirit
ripped it right out of her pig tails
my grandmother wails
sick of all the ******* man
sick of all the bull
****
man

I know you still feel it too
in the air
in between our bodies

But you're too afraid to love
I'm much too proud to wait
I'm leaving
you're staying

so we ignore our existences
both growing numb
so this pain will never be felt
again

i don't completely understand alcohol
why it brings out this goofiness
and this emotion from me


why do i pour everything out
and feel comfortable with complete strangers

why can't i be like this sober
why do i feel i am judged by everyone i meet
and encounter

there are so many beautiful people
with so many beautiful pasts

yet i am so afraid to show them mine
because there are dark secrets
that even i keep from my lover

for i do not want someone to judge me
for my "sins" i have committed

i am trying so hard to be good again
that i let my young past poison everything

i am afraid of wrong-doers
and imperfect people

because i know that i **** up too
and i'm too afraid of someone hitting me again

i will not let 1 fist touch my porcelain skin
for it is both pale and fragile

the visible veins not only carry the life within me
but carry secrets that i have told no one

and i'm sorry
but i have no time to deal with people like me
because no one should deal with people like me

it bothers me how i can't take compliments
and i'm really confused

because it's not that i don't agree with them
"thank you I like my tattoo too"
"thank you I think I have a pretty smile too"

i think that i'm pretty
and i think that i'm cool
and nice

but for some reason when someone else says it,
I immediately wonder what they're up to

what's your angle man?

because i haven't been around someone sincere in a while
and i doubt that you're going to start it

you're much too attractive to be genuine
no one is perfect

well i take that back
one person is perfect

but he isn't around anymore
at least i pretend he's not

Winter tends to bring out the worst in people,
living in Wisconsin doesn't make it easier,
when 60%,
of one year,
of your life,
is cold and wet.

We all yearn for summer,
The word "summer" itself becomes a cliche,
we can't stop talking about it,
and us northerners think about it often.

then the days come when the leaves are on the trees,
and boats and docks sprawl on the thawed out lakes.

And we become happier.

Even those of us with hurt feel bads,
and broken hearts,
they can all forget the pain for a moment.

When they wake up on a summer day,
and hear birds chirping,
and hear the country music blaring,
and the days are longer,
and everything seems pure.

I even can forget about you for a moment,
when my beachy hair flies in my face,
and the lake water covers my skin.

Summer helps me to forget you,
Even though it is when we met.

I'm forgetting you.
Filling up the holes you left,
Finally.
Forgetting.
All of it.

i'm so sorry mom
that he did that to you
and that he's doing it to me

you deserved the world
but it was taken from beneath you
an all-star athlete
with a bright future
descended into drugs
and most importantly love

with an abused child
that grew into a hard edged man
who drank to much
and left without answers

this man we both love
but understand he will not change
he has a sickness
that will never be treated

this man we all love
has so much love
is so pure
yet was forced to be a man
at a young age of toy cars and bicycles

i feel so sorry for him
didn't graduate high school
drank at the age of 13
only to continue bad habits
his father spread to him

such a beautiful soul
that will be forever lost

i am so grateful mom

that you took me from this evil
the evil he didn't mean to create

maybe it hasn't been perfect but it's better than it would have been
away from the drugs
and the *****
and the band

you got your life together

i should understand
that maybe you don't understand
that I'm okay with my body
and i like having curves

Like we accept father for who he is
how he will never change
i should do the same with you

although this life hasn't been "perfect"
i'm still on the way to get a bachelors degree
thanks to you mom

thanks for reading me books
going to all the track meets
and letting me break down in your arms

it ****** me off when you criticize my body
and my clothing choice

but thank you mom
for not dropping into the darkness
and taking me with you

there's that one person
either you met them or you'll meet them
either you're with them you will be or they're the one that got away

but when you first saw them you held glances
sometimes looking away and feeling silly
other times holding it
just to see how long until someone got too bashful

and when that person smiles at you?
wow
just wow

I've been over you for some time
you enter my mind less often

I find your dark features among strangers
but I still have to find a laugh as perfect

The void you left has been filled with
new friends
drunk nights
and drugs

I still find myself wondering
what we could have been
should have been

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
which I always refused to believe
and still will

At least I understand now
that you are not ready
for us
or anyone for that matter

"You deserve someone who can treat you like a princess."
because there is something deep down
that you cannot escape

It engulfs your emotions
and suffocates your dreams

I used to dig and dig
try to find it
**** it
and save you

Instead I almost ended up killing myself

because I knew of the love
I felt the love

the energy was there at 3 in the morning
in that empty parking lot
when we looked into one another
and smiled in the silence

when you giggled to yourself and looked at me
and held me in your arms
because you felt "so lucky"

The energy always stays
you can only tuck it away for so long

That energy is when I get a message from you late at night
or the spontaneous phone calls

It just hurts me

because one day you'll realize its not gone
it never left

**but I have

It's back.

For a second.
Minute.
Hour.
Day.

Who really ******* knows?

But there it is in my stomach
Knees
Heart
Eyes

Waiting again and again and again.

I don't want you to come back
It will restart.
Again
Again
Again

It hurts too much


Please


Please


Please


Stop.

I feel I'm getting sad again
I don't know how to scare it away
and I'm sick of it coming back

it's like a monster that hides it's way inside
and comes out when life becomes lonely and difficult
I had come so close to making it all the way back
and then I was hurt again by friends

so the sadness is returning
and my chest feels small and cold

but he makes me laugh
makes me giggle like a child
I just want to open up
but I am ugly and twisty on the inside
my ribs are made of barbed wire
and my heart has grown callouses

I look at my own body in the mirror
and what once was voluptuous again
has slowly become the skeleton I knew a year ago

I don't know what to do
I don't want to try to be happy
it's not so easy
I just want it to happen for me
please!!
just this once!
please!!

I want to shout out my love
tell everyone about your wide smile
and boisterous laugh

how you shiver when you yawn
that you have a beautiful singing voice

but i can't
every time I try to explain at all
tied tongue
lost for words

because you are this great thing
and i have so much love
i can't even explain the feeling

my heart is pouring this feeling through my veins
this contentment multiplied by infinity

I want you to be the one
who makes me feel like i can move mountains
and do anything

You? this wonderful thing
believes in
me?

like really believes in me

so maybe
i can too

that night you tried to get back in
wanted to wiggle back into my life

did it make you upset?
were you surprised?

Yes, I'm actually making it by without you

spooning on a couch won't make up for lost time
I already tried so hard to win your heart
dove my way into your emotions
forgetting about myself

but past poems show that didn't work
I was filled with heartache for so long
and you were where I suspected

no where to be found

But
I ended up okay

So please

I had to forget your dark eyes
and the obnoxious giggle

I poured myself into stanzas
hoping for some release

but poetry didn't save me in the end

I did

and for now

instead of wiggling your way back in

maybe you should forget too

when i find myself with no motivation there's always a source
it's never just because i'm lazy,
or because it's too hard.

something is always hurting me inside and i can't do anything else

and it's you.

I don't know what to do because we will never be together
I've admitted it to myself and I can't believe it
I never believed anything you said because it didn't make sense

You don't want me?
But I don't understand.

I love you so much
more than the stars in the woods
more than any high i've ever felt
and i will take such good care of you.

I will spend every day trying to make you happy
and that will be okay because your smile is what fills my heart with that joy
that joy that can't be measured.

That feeling from so far and deep inside my chest that I can't even put it into words

But I love you so much
You don't want me?
I will never understand.

my thighs are burning hot,
these skinny jeans feel like snowpants,

hands shaking ,
putting on a necklace,
can't stop dropping the clasp,
clasping onto breath.

cough gagging.

smelly feet.

electricity in my knees.

the creaking is so loud.

how do you do this?
who bestowed this magic
into your strong delicate hands?

falling into a bat of acid,
born another planet,
pulled the sword from the stone,

where does this power come from?
in a soft smile paired with linen eyes,
iridescent beams through my chest,

pulling on my tongue ,
you find my kryptonite,
and I was never a DC girl myself...

but maybe you are a beautiful mirror,
you reflect the powers of your opponent.
physically rather
than
spiritually

maybe the way you make me feel,
is more a reflection of my power,
exerted into a physicality.

weaves my veins into my bones,
blows up my diaphragm ,
hives on my neck..

the true power is within me, though.

this much love,
coming from a little freckled white girl,
is my greatest weapon.

for you will never feel as deeply as i have.

you will never laugh like i do,
but you will never hurt the same.

what a price to be passionate.

but more importantly.

what a power.

sometimes our pain shows in our dreams
and i see you there

you can't get mad at me
because I remember when you begged
and you cried on the phone
and told me you read all of my poems
and that you were sorry
and you would make everything better

because you knew how I loved you so

but it was already so far gone
it was much too late

I had already cut out a piece of my heart
and soul
that I will never get back

so you can't get mad at me
for struggling to give you space
because you and me was all I ever knew

and I made it all the ******* way back
this time last year I wanted to **** myself
**** MYSELF FOR JESUS ******* CHRIST
AND IM STILL HERE
WITH NO HELP FROM YOU

I made it I made it

I made it

tears of joy fall down my face now
because I didn't do it!!
I didn't do it
God knew I was far too important to take my own life
and that I deserved to find myself again

I can't promise you most things
but I will promise you this

I won't fall in love again like I did
and I'm not trying to be sentimental
or nastalgic

love tears you to pieces
while you think it's stitching you together
until you realize
the stitches were made of glass
and the hands you left your heart in were made of thorns

so I stole it back
and I'm stitching up myself now

I'm using my pain as my indestructible thread
to piece myself back together

so you can't be mad at me for trying to deal with things the best I can

because I MADE IT BACK
I DID
you may have felt your own pain but you can never be in my head
and I wouldn't wish that upon you

so don't accuse me of trying to destroy you
when the only thing I've come close to destroying is myself

this isn't about you
this has always been about me

It will always be there
it's almost like a pain in my chest
it never goes away
but I don't want it to leave.
Because there's nothing I can do
her body took you over
and now in my dreams
I hear your dumbfounded laugh.
And I am so happy.
You squeeze my hips
and we get high together
you jam out in your jeep
and all I can do is stare.
You are the most beautiful creature I've laid eyes on.
I've never wanted someone to be happy
without me.
But she's with you
and your smile makes me giggle while I sleep.
It will always be there
it's almost like a pain in my chest
it never goes away
but I don't want it to leave.

All I needed
To hold on another hundred years
It was all I needed


All I needed
All I need

where is the support group
for Trans Masc kids
with bad fathers
alcoholic fathers

ones that didn't show up
and still try to tell you
what a man is
and isn't
and by God it isn't you

a Father with misogyny
ran so deep
that my body is
a beautiful woman's
and God made me
to be this way

Born into the beautiful body of a woman

where is the support group
for fathers who are so damaged
dating girls within 5 years of me

i've never felt safe around a man
even the one who is half of me

maybe why i don't feel safe around myself

where is the support group
for Trans kids
that are 27
who always wanted to be like their dad
until they got to know him

who found the masculine beauty
within their best friend
who picked them up
every other weekend

and now
who can't even stomach
to muster
that that is my father.

the guilt
of a kid who just wished one of us
would die

ENOUGH ENOUGH OF IT ALL ALREADY!!!!

can you please stop traumatizing me
its been 20 years
haven't you had enough?
where is all of this material coming from?
is this a never ending bit and i simply just don't get the joke?

I never knew that pain could develop like that
You're just a person
Made of flesh
Bones
Blood
Muscle

Like everyone else

But your arrangement is perfect
Your contours
Bumps
Bruises
Scars

Flow perfectly

So that why this hurt developed so quickly

Because love is a sinister, deceitful thing.

These vans on my feet are *****.
Dripped on by the blood of a won basketball game.
Dirt covered from the many mosh pits.
Torn on from my longboard grip.
Rubber grey from long walks.
Bled through tie die from lots of running
Brown stains from standing in the woods
Broken eyelets from a forgotten drunk night.
Missing shoelace caught in a bicycle wheel.

Only to be replaced.
Just like my love.
Like my summer.

Come back to me,
or answer your phone.
One of the two would make me happy.

Because you see,
my wrist is still broken,
and your hazel eyes are burned in my brain.

So just come back,
I can't withstand three more months,
your heart shaped smile is too pleasing.

i glance over inbetween heads of people
just enough to get a look
but covered enough to hide if i get caught

almost every poem i have written is about a man
why is that
why must i fall in love with every creature i deem beautiful

why do i feel this sense of NEED to have you when
you've been in my life
less than a month

more importantly i feel the NEED for you to NEED me
WHY

more importantly
you fall in love?

only for me to crash it down?
only for me to detach
and walk away
as if i never felt a thing

why am i someone who yearns for something until they achieve it

and when it is achieved there is no use

what do i really want?

the sun will burn out
one day

it seems
this is a paradox
it is the sun
after all

light
warmth
life

the heat on your face in the summer
can eventually run out
of marb red cigarrettes

burning on a meal a day

sometimes i wonder
how can she do it

laughing down on you
like the smiling baby face
on pbs kids
incessantly

bringing inspiration
the reason
for
well

everything

to create
eat
just
just

hiding behind cloudy skies
which are metaphors
uplifting wet concrete bones
which are metaphors
in the stark of shivering sadness
not a metaphor

i am alaska
six months of darkness

sleep sun
eat sun
scream!!

i remember when i was in 8th grade i wrote a really sad poem
it talked about how the bullying brought me to a numb feeling
after i wrote that poem i realized that poetry made me feel things again
whether they were good or bad
poetry helped me

but now when i write poems
i still love them just as much
its just
i want to feel numb again
i wish i could feel numb again

because most of the time i pretend i'm alright
i'm 18
I DON'T GIVE A ****
right?

no
not right
i give way too many *****
i give the most *****
i feel judged everywhere i go
on everything i wear
and everything i do

so it kind of *****
when one of the things that i've learned to love to do
turns into something that makes me cope with my emotions
and my insecurities
like no
go away
can you not with the feelings

i just want to get drunk
smoke ****
and have fun

the real world can wait
and even if it decides to go anyway

there is no way i'm dealing with it
not right now

it's just too much

the last thing I want you to do is leave
the first thing I want you to do is leave

it is not your fault i have these feelings for you
I will not burden you with the knowledge
of my deep deep
....

when i think of you my eyes get heavy
a smirk forms across my face like gingerbread

my chest feels like a woofer slamming to the beat of my heart

so many cliche ways of saying

i feel for you

more importantly

i do not want to affect your trajectory
your goals
art
passion

is why my heart feels plump as a plum
where it felt like stale bread less than a month ago

i count every moment with you and feel it is sacred
i wish to spit out my feelings like a crazy daisy

am i naive to think no one notices?
how i stare
smile at every word
can't keep my invisible hands
off
you

most memories have faded from me
narcotics stole my soul

you reminded me that i had one

now
i understand radiohead songs

being in college is actually really fun
there are cute boys
actually hot boys
everywhere

so i don't mind walking to class everyday
seeing their sweaty abs in this heat

but at the same time i scold myself for even looking
because i feel unworthy

i hate to be the typical white girl who hates her body
but i do
i don't want to
but its almost like a disease that i can't stop

i'm addicted to putting myself down
and in my eyes that's almost worse than drugs

help me i'm insecure

i'm still startled when asked about you
memories jump backward
i go back into that odd state of mind i had

everything was enveloped by my feelings for you
it was crippling

but i still tap back into those emotions

my chest ached from the pain
my head constantly cloudy with confusion

but I knew that i loved you
and at that moment, it was all i needed

****

get out of my head

i shouldn't have been 10 years old when you forgot me on thanksgiving
i shouldn't have been afraid of you coming onto me
i shouldn't have told you in the 8th grade that it was me or alcohol
i shouldn't worry when you have 1 beer
i shouldn't have been told you had a coke problem when I was 15
i shouldn't blame my mom for cheating on you
i shouldn't worry about you breaking glasses
i shouldn't be embarrassed to introduce you to my boyfriend
i shouldn't cry
grandma shouldn't say that i have to accept it
i shouldn't worry about you hurting the dogs
i shouldn't get sad when you ask me the same question 3 times
4 times
5 times
i shouldn't be afraid to have a drink with friends
i shouldn't worry if i'm turning into you
i shouldn't ask myself at 19 years old if i'm going to be an alcoholic
mom shouldn't say i'm my father's daughter
i shouldn't wonder why you can't choose me over the bottle
i shouldn't blame myself

you shouldn't do this to me
i'm "your girl"
your daughter

put down the ******* ***** dad you're drunk at 12 pm

it really hurts to know you are happy
without me
and you are moving on
without me

but I only want happiness for you
even if it's
without me

but I still feel you babe
when I think about you
I can still feel you
so that proves that love is real
Or I am way more ****** than I had originally thought..

They say that heartbreak stays with you
and love hurts when you are young
and that pain stays with you

I am trying so hard to move on
it gets easier every day
I don't even think of it most of the time anymore

But today while doing laundry
I found one of your curly black hairs again
why? HOW?! I literally yelled out

QUIT HAUNTING ME
You're like a zombie of my loved one still walking around
the old you is long dead
and whoever you are now stumbles in and out of my view

I am afraid
but if I show no emotion
maybe you won't try to eat my heart

It didn't hurt as bad
finding pieces of you here and there
but ******* it
it is still as exhausting

I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I don't know why
today as I lay in bed
sweaty with a headache after work
all I wanted was kitty cuddles

I spooned her fluffy-ness and had a flashback to when she was a kitten
and you spooned me
and I spooned her
I awoke in the night terrified thinking I rolled over her
only to find her on one side and you on the other

I had my family
I was so content
with my two loves

you were angry at me for getting a cat
because you were allergic
but again like always you failed to inform me of how you felt and later retaliated against me when I couldn't read your mind
always claiming "I knew"

I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I know why
when we can't find someone or something to blame we will pick anything to make us feel better
even if subconsciously we have no idea we're doing it

you were allergic to her and it strained our relationship
I blamed a cat I love with all my heart
because I could never understand how you could have flipped into a totally different person
it's not her fault
it's not my fault
it's not the other man's fault
it's not even your fault

losing love hurts especially when it just happens
we may love until we feel our bodies writher from pain from crying
we may love until we are dead

but I will not take the blame anymore
and I wont put it on my cat either

don't blame the rain on the weatherman

sometimes i see you in my dreams
this could be seen as painful
for i will never have such a time with you
in reality.

but maybe we should all look at this as a blessing

when i see you there are no fights
i am not nervous
and we both seem to forget the hate we have
the anger we have
the sadness
regret
towards one another

it is peaceful
merely two people crossing paths once again

we are polite
and curious
and we listen to one another

so maybe when i see you in my dreams
i should treat it as a loved one from the grave

although you are very much living
all the love we had was dead now

i will be content with only seeing you
in my dreams
in fact - i’ll look at it as a blessing

better to see you
in a pure figment if my love for you
to not see you at all

or to see you
with anger stricken on your face
from the very sight of me

without
the pain in my stomach and forever lump
in my throat

we can just be
just
be
around each other

i suppose it is better
than nothing at all