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Elizabeth Zenk Jul 2018
Wistful tears melt down my cheeks.
Nostalgic of our time together.
I kept myself together for a year, and now without the pitiful distractions, I have to look at myself, alone.
Debilitating heartache
Bleakening one’s self.
Pining to both relive and forget the past.
Everything is still so crystal clear,
so picturesque in nature.
The smells, the sights, the feelings.
How could I have let it slip away from me like that?
Did he ever speak of me?
Ever talk about me?
Or did he just forget the joyous days we spent together under the heat of moment’s madness?
Am I the only one homesick for not my house, but for the person that broke me?
My lip twitches as sentimental recollections start to overflow and spill, creating a puddle of emptiness, longing, and heartbreak.
Watching the clock tick down seconds I've wasted
waiting for you.
karin naude Nov 2013
mum's well intended tough upbringing ended in a two sided razor sharp sword
i am independent, intelligent, and successful
that same achievements cause me no shortage of frenemies
and a severe debilitating starvation for true friendship and love
men wont touch me with a 10 foot poll
both sexes make me out to be weird beyond the point of recognising there reflexion in me
imprisoned in a life i wanted, successful
with a incurable case of loneliness, i'm drowning out with food and bad poetry
this is my roaring twenties, hooray
cant wait for the next 80 years
going senile will be a blessing
no longer haunted by pain and unreached potential
Carter Ginter Jul 2017
While I likely have no rhythm
and tend to trip over my feet
that would hold back a dance.

While I have debilitating anxiety
that highlights others’ stares
I may still give it a chance.

No, see, the reason I won’t dance
has way more to do with my body
and the fact that I’m trans.

As I move through the world
I feel the weight of my identity
in both physical and mental distress.

Of course everyone has baggage
that doesn’t stop them from jiving
but not everyone has to carry it on their chest.

Dancing requires movement of my entire frame
but the person I see in my head
isn’t the one that light reflects.

How can I move without highlighting
the feminine figure my clothes conceal?

How can I jive
while hiding how my chest wiggles?

Can they tell?
What do they see?

The questions anchor my body to the ground
So I cannot move.
I cannot dance.
Ellie Taylor Feb 2014
It's strange
the way a cluster of neurons in your head reacting to some particular stimulus can make your heart feel like hamburger meat
As if there really is a hole in there, and everyone can see right through it.
What kind of strange fiction allowed debilitating pain to come from a mere firing sinapse?
How unfitting, that such an incomprehensibly small and silent event begets the destruction of worlds.
You'd think
that with the breaking of a heart should come some ceremony
Smashing of a gong, ringing bells, the flight of a thousand crows or even the sound of breaking glass.
But we're left with heavy dreams that tug at our consciousness and even heavier moments upon waking and remembering that you have a hole there, that everyone can see right through
that didn't even warrant shattering dinnerware.
tinhearts Aug 2018
There’s a New Day
Radiance in a Higher Way
New Creation is spawning

Rising is “The Word”
Prophecy unfolding
Everything spoken is heard
Love in the eyes of believers beholding

It’s a warm revelation unveiling Jesus Christ~ the Last Day
Comforting long searched for
Patience determined in the Way
Sees the Glory of the Lord

“A Fiery Cloud
circles around my Spirit
a defensive Banner”
Centered deep in soul’s to inherit
A burning Essence opens in such a pure manner
Bright Rays from the Heart of the glorified Jesus
Spreading like a wildfire!
Consuming all wood hay and stubble in a conciseness of Peace

Not an eye of worldly matter
Can view this Magnificent Array
Come up higher
To view the inner workings of a Father coming to rescue His stray

“Awake who have been under Death and Judgment
know not that my Reign is near?”

Lifting off the weights of gravitation’s pull
Releasing Satan’s grip of debilitating fear
Freedom’s born in a handful
......of corn
Over the Mountains...
Redeemers filled with the Spirit of Jesus bourn
Gushing water Fountains
Singing in perfect harmony
Sanctified by the burning bush
Recalling His Family

“Nobles shall come from Cush
Hastening to stretch out her hands to God”

O kingdoms of the earth
Sing to God
Sing praises to him who is proved in worth
Ancient heavens behold
Sending out His Mighty Voice
Wisdom’s choice

Divine Love spills over all nations
Doubt bows at Your feet
Leaving the dust as transformations
Perfect Love worthily defeats

Now all strife ceases
Overall the Region of Light
The Lord alone reigns in Peace
For now the Soul is Born anew into the Light

Firmly established in His Kingly Power

“Coals from the Deity are made as an enduring burning Element where the Glory of Christ’s Personality may be seen”

The same likeness has risen
Virtue of the creating Word
in his “Members”
Who are In-trusted with this powerful Body in unison
Quickening  remembers

Suitable for the management of such a Kingdom
Where the Soul at first reigns invisibly
Until a full manifestation comes
Overflowing in Love’s personality

“Whoever keeps His Word
Truly the love of God is perfected
By this we may know that we are in him
Beloved, we are God's children Now
What we will be has not yet appeared
But we know that when he appears
We shall be like Him
Because we shall see him as he is.”

elle jaxsun Apr 2
creating my own
magic and peace

keeping my head
in the highest clouds--
as i exhale them
i can see below the mist
all that i find
**** near debilitating.

most things are overwhelming.

i almost can't help it that
sometimes i'm overwhelming, too.
NaPoWriMo day 1 - 040119

bring your own sunshine...or smoke it :D
Lydia Sep 2018
I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited
My legs and arms feel like they're stuck in mud
Trapped in a swamp of murky memories
A liquid so thick it hurts my lungs to fight the sinking
But theres no reflection here
So I won't let it swallow me
Most of the time I forget I'm fighting
The pain is so typical my body feels numb to it sometimes
But when I'm not rejecting my reality
Or repressing my circumstances
The all too familiar feeling
Anchors my body down so heavily
That even the idea
Of continuing to fill my lungs each moment
Is exhausting and debilitating.

The rare moments when I let myself feel things are excruciating
Anxiety claws through my chest
Like a rabid raccoon fighting for freedom
As terror bubbles through each of my muscles,
The only remainder of proof left
From the unspeakable and disgusting acts of others,
The memories I don't have anymore
The ones I choose to forget.

And yet they still keep trying so hard
To **** me into them
To make me remember them.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask him to touch me.
I didn't ask her to hit me.
But I'm the one who's still stuck here
Fighting my past
Fighting myself
There's no reflection in this sludge of memories
Because I can't bring myself to look for one
I'm afraid that if I see myself in it
See what they did to me
See what I didn't do to stop it
I'll lose the last bit of sanity
That I am so desperately holding on to
Amanda Nov 2018
Why can't I find the flames that once burned beneath skin?
Changed from warm to cold and dark
Reality's breath blew out the fire deep in me
Transformed my core into coals black, chalky, and dark

Attempting to force a glimmer of hope in my eyes
Ignite carefree wonder with a spark of belief
Then I could be unharnessed and rile passion
That scalds any unwanted lingering grief

Beyond these pages is genuine pain
Still alive though my heart won't beat
A hundred perfect words could not replace
Sought-after inferno, world devoid of heat

Head hung low in debilitating  failure
Dragging feet with purposeful defiance
Mistakes resting their weight on my back
Hunt for embers in half-hearted compliance

One candle lit to awaken misplaced zeal
Eternity tried silently stealing away
Sunset has the right shades of Orange and red
But lacks love it used to invoke each day

I am overanalyzing this
Eventually find the ecstasy that died
Don't care if It's a person, place, or idea
Something out there will rekindle lost feelings inside
I am currently at the start of an arduous journey of self-discovery and the first step is to figure out what I need to be happy
Chris Neilson Aug 15
Today I looked up at the house
where I joined this life
in a single bed under a window
on a freezing February day
with the Beatles at number one
my mother and me as one

My conscious memory pages
are brown and curling inward
to close the windows of my soul
would colour my vivid recollections
but this I do not wish upon me
waves of nostalgia would drown me

Depression is living in the past
I've heard this said to my face
that post code won't lure me
as I reside on anxiety street
about the future I'm too busy worrying
anything and everything is worrying

All our yesterdays should stay there
their taunting can be debilitating
we age, our bodies let us down
trying to turn back time is futile
staying close to loved ones is all we can do
living in the present is all we can do
I was born in a house not a hospital. I visited that house today. I viewed it from a safe distance.
Madds Mar 16
It’s disheartening and debilitating to come to the realisation that yes...

I want to die


At the very least hurt myself severely.

And I am ashamed.
Sick to my stomach because that thought should never cross my mind
But I’m stuck here day in and day out
With it dancing across my frontal lobe taunting me.
‘Dying would be a delight’.

Impenetrable prison bars line my serotonin and dopamine deprived brain.
And the straight jacket I’m in steals my ability to break my bones to drown out the silence.

‘I always wanna die. I always wanna die’.
Marissa Jan 7
you feel it happening again
the shaky legs
driving you insane
the sweaty hands
ruining your plans
the racing heart
making you want to dart
are they watching me?
what do they see?
I feel their eyes all over me
is this a nervous breakdown?
i really need to come down
get it together
you say in your head
but the voices don’t let you forget
you’re better off dead
stop it, stop it, go away
do not come back another day
it’s just chemicals in my brain
but all I can feel is pain
anxiety is not beautiful
it certainly does not make me strong
I just want to be normal and feel like I belong
panic attacks are not cute
and I cannot “just calm down”
it is a disorder and debilitating
it makes it really hard to breathe
average tasks become mountains
it’s not simply all in my head
it feels like I’m about to drown
but with patience and persistence
i will never back down
It's difficult to recover
Since you can't really
Take a break
Because if you do
It's a chance to suffer
Again, from this debilitating fate
It feels like an ultimatum
Do or die
Fall or fly
When I simply wish to be
Somewhere safe in the middle
When I am tired of fighting
Or I'm tired of flying
I just want to lie still and float
I want to be embraced by the cotton sky
Or lay on a bed of waves
That rocks me so slow, it soothes me
When I want to do nothing and just be
My emotional baggage
Has transformed into wings
Large enough to soar
But when I fall it weighs in excess
So I fall and savour the moment
When I can finally rest in peace
charley gwenn Oct 2018
This city was not the same without you when you left
And this world now will never be the same either
A permanent scar has been left on the earth
Where they removed you from it
And a scar has been left on me as well
Where they took you from me
But it was not you who held the knife

You were left alone in this world
But Caroline did not leave you
And I am now also standing
By myself in the dark
But you were not the one who left
You were both taken
By a hateful world that could not accept
That *** can be a way of living
And a way of life

Are men whose wives died
When they were now so old
That they felt they could never find anyone again
Never worthy of sharing a bed again?
Are men with physical disabilities
Debilitating anxieties
Childhood traumas
Or any other thing that makes them
Unable to find a meaningful and lasting relationship
Undeserving of physical love?

They never listened to you because
They were scared of you
And if they heard your words
It would break this whole world apart
Their whole perfect world

I do not know where people go
When they leave the city
When they leave the world
But I know what is left behind
I remember everything differently now
The memories and versions of you
I thought were the most important
Became eclipsed by older, ancient beings

The earliest memories and encounters
The first, original, most primordial ******
Prevails as the version I remember most
The questions about why I was in this life so young
And who hurt me and that I didn't deserve to carry myself like this
For the rest of my life
Completely alone
The kiss that changed everything
The threesomes that men had paid for but felt
So special to me because you felt so safe
That safe feeling was everything to me
Those memories are everything to me

Your memory is fragile now
It stands at risk, in danger
Your ghost hangs in peril
And I don't know how to protect you
But I will preserve you
Any way that I can

I do not know where people go
When they leave the city
Maybe into the sky
But I will not let you be lost in the rain
more poems about ******, and caroline. all written since july.
Deb Jones Aug 22
As I crawled away
I could hear you crying
The hitch of your breath
As you tried to make sense
Of something senseless

I stopped  
And started crawling to you
Like every other time
Blood dripping down my chin

I wrapped my arms around you
To comfort you
I said I needed to go to the hospital
You had kicked me in the temple again

We quickly came up with
An improbable story
One that had nothing to do with reality

Our hospital was small
Everyone knew me by name
I could feel their eyes on me
Tracing the bruises shaped
like boot prints on my back

They called the police
But I wouldn’t talk
Just looked away as they offered
Empty promises of protecting me

I frustrated them
I swallowed my words
You sat in the car
Waiting for me
Holding our child

And you were the only family I had

Do you want to know why
I finally ran?

We were in the car
And I changed the radio station
And you...

Oh, so casually said
I was going to get it
when we got home

There was none
Of the uncontrollable rage
That I pinned my ideals on
That I was saving you from

We got home an hour later
And you methodically
Closed all the drapes

Hit me a few times while I stood
Against the wall in the kitchen
Ground zero for most of my pain

Your heart wasn’t in it
Your eyes not enraged
Just distant
Everything was perfunctory
Each of us playing out
Our assigned roles

Seven years
For seven years
I molded and created a monster
While you, just a boy
Lost your morale compass

I tried to save you
While drowning myself

I was a little girl
when I married you
The way children do

There was no down time
I was hypervigilant
Exhausted, trying to keep up
With your mercurial ways

Punishing myself for a simple
Forgetful moment that set you off

I wasn’t allowed to read
While you were around
You tore the last chapters from my books
That was the greatest injustice of all.
Funny, isn’t it?

All the physical, mental and ****** abuse
It was my escapism I missed most
You were jealous of anything that I did
That wasn’t about you.

I had to go to bed when you did
Even when my mom and sisters visited and waited in the other room

If I could slide out of bed
Without waking you
I felt accomplished

If you woke I had to stifle the cries
As you buried your hand
Deep in my hair
Shaking me like a stuffed animal
For daring to disturb you

Why did my mom allow that?
The one time I went to her
She sent me back to you
Saying it was my bed to lay in
When it was really her
That first put on the clean sheets

Marrying me at fourteen
To a boy of nineteen
One I only knew a week

To liberate me from foster care
Where I may have been safer
Emancipated from the courts
A woman the moment
My beloved mom signed me away

You showed me your gun
Waving it around
Empty threats of retribution
As I made empty promises
To love you forever

You wouldn’t shoot me
I wouldn’t give you a reason to

I feel melancholy when I think
Of that little girl

I accept what I allowed
There were so many
terrible things you did
But I was the catalyst
Some part of me still
Holds that belief

You were never punished
You skate through life
Your moral compass
In pieces beneath your feet

Because, because? Why not?
The victims you leave
Harbor your secrets
Scared to say things out loud
Scared of you

Most of all scared
Of how others would measure us

So all the times I crawled towards you
All the times you cried
Became our self imposed roles
When I should have left the first time you hit me

I remember it vividly
Standing outside against the wall
Of your brother’s house
As you slapped me again and again

I had never been hit
Like that before
The shock of it all
You trying to make me agree
With you
That I was looking too long at your brother

No answer was ever good enough

When I ran
I ran so fast
And so sudden
Along my preplanned route

The almost debilitating fear
I had to overcome
Running towards my future

You did find me.
It was the last time I was hospitalized
And the worst time
Because of you

Found unconscious
During a welfare check by my neighbors

I protected you.
I survived you

I loved you

At the same time I pointed you towards your own future
I feel sick to my stomach when I think of you.

But our son grew up
To be a honorable man
Strong and proud
And I did that.
Without you
I did that.

He was worth that seven years
Can you understand?
Corey Oct 2018
one day. one day it will all be better. you know what they say: it’ll all be okay in the end. if it’s not okay, than it’s not the end

Darkness seeps from the walls
A low rumble heard from afar
Constant, and never ending
As the darkness pools on the floor

This deep, dark sadness,
the debilitating pain,
the absence of a
will to move

Darkness creeps up my skin
A low mumble I try to speak
Constant, and never head
As the darkness begins to drown me

This deep, dark sadness
the debilitating pain,
the weight of my head
resting in my hands

Darkness eats at my thoughts
A low grumble of displeasure
Constant, and never ceasing
As the darkness laughs at my pain

This deep, dark sadness
the debilitating pain,
leaves me waiting to arrive
at eternity’s gate
Lisa Pospisil May 21
Different - tormentor of my dreams...
They are perfumed from unseen streams...

Deep into that darkness waiting...
What could there be more purely debilitating???

Deep into the darkness stranding...
All my soul within me misunderstanding...

That moment my soul grew crying...
I'm still trying and never dying...
Reilly Cole Aug 2018
im getting sick of the crazy
sick of the never ending reminders
of what has passed and what is yet to come
the fear of rejection that i know is irrational
the loss that i feel isnt that deep but i feel it is

What can i do truly to make this go away
who is to know but me
forever relying on my best friend to always
help me out of situation i dont know how to deal with
this reliance is terrible and debilitating

what once was so beautiful an escape has now
turned into something i cant realise
or escape from, these thoughts of pain
something i held so dearly now anything is just a reminder of the hell im fleeing

these friends i called friends and still see as friends arent what i thought of as friend but these friends are just my pained rememberances of what i consider friend and just feel like a loss, a void of friends

i have one friend that i rely upon to be my voice
reasoning to make it seem like i can do better that i
dont need those people that havent been around for years but now
seem to have been around forever but are my reminders of pain

that friend has almost always been there
and they are great and amazing but not what i long for
which is release so i don’t have to drown my sorrows with a bottle
of numbness and forgetting which i know i do best but is it enough at this point

to just forget and forgive and rely on new memories to swallow the old
has that ever helped before, no it’s only caused lonely and sleepless nights
nights to forget and dissolve what i feel and hold close

my heart my health my mind cannot deal with it
but i strive with this positive attitude in order to survive what once
was a forgiving world that allowed weakness but now
that im older, not even that old, the pain breaks through and makes
things oh so difficult

if only things could change and i could rely on no one but myself
but that takes time that i do not have access to yet
if only i could push these memories and thoughts away
i could thrive in this life of agony

but then...i would not be myself

Yesterday you told me that you were feeling empty.
And I told you everything I had done in order to fill that empty void.
Because I too, had felt it.
And dont get me wrong...
Its not all the time or as much as it use to be.
Some days I miss the whole feeling of someone seeing the world in me,
you know?
And I wonder if I'll ever find it again,
Or if my he was the only person who will ever see me that way?
Being out here on my own has been both amazing and utterly lonely at the same time.
A lot of times at night,
The guys trickle off to their girls.
And the girls have their other girl friends they go to see.
And then theres me...
alone in my room staring at the ceiling.
Nights like tonight.
It's like I'm feeling so much inside that I cant feel anything at all.
Just this emptiness and an empty bed and an empty house.
Loneliness might be the worst part.
It might be one of the hardest emotions to fathom.
Sadness, and anger, they fade over time.
But the loneliness,  
the knowing that life might be this way forever,
its unbearable.
It doesnt feel temporary when it hits. It feels like it's something that was there all along but hiding in the shadows of daylight.
The light helps your mind play tricks on you during they day, to help you get through.
But at night the darkness, the empty room...
its inevitable,
theres no hiding
and theres no escape.
Except the ceiling,
and the music
to drown out the voices
that you've done it to yourself
and you deserve it.
And it's not poetic or inspiring.
It's a debilitating feeling
that you're not worthy or good enough to deserve the love and affection everyone else seems to find.
To be lonely,
you must first believe
you deserve to be alone.
I guess that is my problem,
Not only do I believe it,
I can't blame anyone else for no it.
For even I,
Would avoid myself if given the choice.
It's no wonder,
They all did too.
Desmond Baker Apr 20
My solituuuude a shell I can not dispeeeelllll

This is my song
A melody that hurts me when held

I know you duuudes rush to be tempted then jailed

You never longed for solitude

Your eyes never have enough seeing

Jest and jig again and again
a Pigs disguise

The mud has clogged ear holes

They never longed for solitude

A shell that cannot be dispelled

For they know the questions asked in this shell fall like hail


My solitude they wish never to dispel

My solitude

A hill I sit on to watch fools

My solitude

Birthed from innate inadequacy

My solitude

A hell until I find the answers

Solitude, the song of wisdom that no one wishes they held

My solutuuude a shell that I cannot dispeeelll

I know you duuudes rush to be tempted then jailed
Referenced Book of Ecclesiastes
Eva Aloezos Aug 1
this is not a poem; however, I do not have social media so I have no where to share thoughts that I think should be passed along. This my truncated experience of depression on and off for the past 5 years.

Now let me say this, I am in a sort of unique situation given I also have temporal lobe epilepsy. Having seizure’s in the temporal lobe lives side by side with depression and mood issues. None the less if you suffer from depression I think this could be of help to you.

First off,
When I say depression I do not mean feeling sad occasionally. I mean no longer being able to function. Losing many parts of who you are, hiding in public, unable to get out of bed, fighting the same narrative on loop in your head day after day, debilitating amounts of guilt, and the worst of all doubt and shame.

I had my first seizure at 14 and slowly became more depressed. By 16 I had full on depression. From 17-21 I would have on and off depression. On for a year, off for 7 months.

I am notoriously stubborn which might explain why for 5 years I never even considered taking an anti-depressant. I was convinced that people who tried SSRI’s had given up on their natural ability to internally fight anything. I thought to myself hour after hour, day after day, month after month that I would miraculously snap out of this bizarre phase. I thought I could think my way out of depression, because depression is a neurological issue that disrupts cognition (in many cases, not all).

This past spring my depression and sense
of self ceased to exist. I finally decided I cannot do this anymore, I am exhausted. So I started a low dose of an SSRI.
It has changed my life. I seriously advise anyone who has severe depression, (especially along with neurological damage) to give it a try. I know your instinct is shouting no; however, I have come to find it can be as simple as a neurotransmitter firing wrong to keep us disabled due to depression.

Depression is our mind going into hibernation, while deep down counting on a glorious spring somewhere in the distant future.
Derrek Faraday Nov 2018
What can I be now?
What must I be?
I have lost you, dearest
Though you’ve been gone for a while
What I shall be
To the world’s sea
I will be so for you

I will become a figure
Lest I perish
For I am sure you were equally dire
Who else could teach me the dance of a lyre?
And the hymn of a quire?
A debilitating devotion
I have no obligations to myself
Not anymore

Only my labours of love
Will be shown to the world
All because of you, my love
You have given me the reigns
Which I crafted by my lonesome
Then, the nations will extend
To the far reaches of a forlorn nebula
And I will meet you there, soon
Malu Sep 2018
The ground underneath your feet boils because you are mad you are angry you are furious.
Cloudy clouds on the horizon for your furry it will rain.
Your eyes are wide and fists are clenched.
Why are we here again?
May paint not reproduce the solitary place that is your angry mind, the silent anger that is mine.
We battle through words, our bodies help, but our minds are absent.
Here the woods begin.
Your entierre bien is rapped so now you place it under sparkles
Seek kindness not anger.
Stop finding different ways to fall apart for we are both in a debilitating condition.
I am no longer amusing, or a source of happiness.
I’m learning to love, but you aren’t patient.
Are you so lonely now without your anger?
Be something else help rid the nostalgia that takes a hold of my soul.
You know,  the voices in my head keep company.
I climb higher for your heat might reach me.
Can I get a moment with your heart and not rage?
Is it even your choice any more, to be angry?
You are far gone into depths of elsewhere a psychotic  break, mental collapse, burnout.
Where is your illuminating light of happiness?
I will find it, bring it back to you.
Come back, where are you?
I used to be enough did I mess up, was I wrong?
I know I’m not infallible.
See reality, forget the anxiety.
I will hold your hand, please!
In anger, we lost everything and nothing was found.
Plain hearts in us move on.
We don't want this trouble lets love before we forget how.
I was something you could see. Now I am just a woman to you.
Come back, where are you?
Gone man I miss you.
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