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Tangled Emotions-The Covid-19 Effect

I feel like we (I) are living in suspended animation, stop action, or caught in a time warp, on pause, on hold, virtual reality, surreal, dazed, stuck, and drugged, in a fog, between two worlds. This doesn’t feel real to me. When will I wake up?

All these emotions are running amok in me. I feel I’m being pulled in many directions, what am I supposed to do, think or feel? How am I supposed to act? What is expected of me? Who am I? Where do I go from here? What’s next?

I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t breathe, I’m numb to the very core, I’m expecting something bad to happen, something that may or may not ever come. I feel like in my head that I’m a prisoner that can never get out. I want to cry but I can’t, I want to scream but I can’t, I want to hide but I can't, I want to run, but I can’t. I’m waiting for death, I’m waiting for life.

I’m in the middle of nowhere, floating in space, I’m in the middle of the field and as far as I can see there are trees and grass, but no people or animals, and no other life. I’m running in circles, and I can’t stop, my head is spinning like a top. Waiting for uncertainty to stop I am alone.

This is building inside me like a volcano, and the New Madrid fault lines are rumbling, this is a Tsunami ready to flow but there is nowhere for any of this “fallout” to go, Trying to make the best out of a merciless situation.

Copyright 2020
all rights reserved
a work in progress
Hearing the sounds of different trains rolling down the track
the horn sounds make erie echoes in the hollar.
The old steam trains still running, and carrying passengers to historical destinations along an old canal route
As one train slowly passes by the neighbors back yards wave as the
men pass by.
One little girl who is fishing in her grandfathers pond yells and waves at the on coming train,
work in progress
Music of long ago reminds me of old boyfriends.
Taking me back to the exact time of my life
Memories I treasure, and have little regret
of things I did, people I hung around with
and places I went.
Still wanting to feel young and relive those times
Heading into my sixties, it can only be a dream
Now all I have to look back on is the memories
and the smells of yesteryears past.
work in progress
In the early morning hours of a crisp foggy November
Driving down the dusty road a few weeks before December

Noticed a truck from a distance not moving with lights on
Driving closer  I noticed a person sitting, hours before dawn

Got out of my truck and walked up to the drivers' side to check
Only to be terrified to find out that this guy died in a wreck.

Finding no skid marks on the road
The victim probably never slowed

A guy hit a tree head-on and instantly died
I ran back panicking to my truck to hide.

His face was not a face it was mangled
Torn up in cut glass and his nose dangled

Never reported the accident to the police
After seeing this I wanted some peace

Later in the day, a newspaper was delivered
The man who died, I knew and I shivered

Not realizing it was my friend
I knew it was that person's end

Too drunk to call on the authorities
Not wanting to be arrested was my priority

The man was already deceased
At that time he needed a priest

I read in the newspaper the guy died on impact
Wasn't worried since the cause of death was a fact

Never forget that horrible blustery day
That I was drunk and walked away

All rights reserved
Copyright 2019
On my grandparents farm I recall
laying in the grass on the quilt that grandma made
looking up through the breezy tree's to the blue skies and bright sun
Summer half over, getting close to harvest time
The grandparents are walking through their fields of corn
Uncle sitting on the tractor under a shady tree sipping at some lemonade
My aunt is sitting on the porch swing drinking some pop, resting after
cleaning out the Smokehouse.
The cows standing outside the fence looking at me as if I'm going to entertain them.
a work in progress
A decoy friend, baited, lured it's unwitting
The latest victim to prepare for an ambush
Lurking in the shadows, but hiding in plain sight,
Observing from below to organize for apprehension
Anxious to terrorize its prey, with their boon companions
Using my notions of long ago, of unspoken content
Reveals it's  deceiving affirmation, pursuing instruments
Distributed to others to use against me
A sham of being pristine, weeping tears that aren't real
A deceiver of her spoken words,
That her followers always believe
A professional charlatan, a trickster  
Pursuing its prey, while pretending to be a victim
Always having to have total dominance
Living well on administration prosperity
With her trio of  illegitimate offspring of dissimilar fathers

Copyright 2019
all rights reserved.
I have always wished that someone would say
Please let me help,  I will take your pain away

For many years I've been in mental anguish
Mother's insults made me want to vanish

I live in a prison that is in my mind  
This I know because, I'm deeply entwined

You've carried a heavy burden, for so many years
Being a single parent of an ill child can bring many tears

In my late fifty's things have never changed
Because of my mother, my family is estranged

copyright 2019
all rights reserved
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