i’d rather write about the freckles on your back than think about all of the ways in which you quite possibly don’t love me.
i feel sick at the very thought of you picking me apart the way you did; fingers grabbing and stroking in a catastrophic symphony of skin and vulnerability.
let’s read between each other’s lines; share my sentences and punctuate my paragraphs with your mouth; because i can breathe easier on the mornings where i wake up wrapped around you.
because my moods change like the ******* seasons and the spinning in my head doesn’t want to stop. you tell me that i should probably get a therapist because no one that thinks about all the ways in which they could **** themselves has an ounce of mental stability. i tell you that i have been to four. names faded into a blur with hazy snippets of conversation remaining. 20mg. 30mg. you tell me that trust issues and scars aren’t endearing and i tell you that neither is counting up the potential number of pills needed to dissolve your body into the living room carpet.
let me sink inside your skin and make a home in your flesh; i tell you about the nights where i lay awake in the bath turning the water red. tragic, isn’t it.
you tell me that this isn’t how my head should work and i tell you that i already know. everything you could possibly tell me i already know. i know that 400 calories a day isn’t normal, and my hands shouldn’t shake all the time. i know. please let me stitch myself into you, even just for a while; until i no longer feel dizzy and my world stops spinning. i don’t need you to tell me that it will be okay, because honestly i don’t think it will be and, that in itself, is okay. let me stitch myself into you, because my own skin can’t take it anymore.
let me call you back when my voice stops wobbling and my vision straightens out, but honestly, i’m terrified that it never will. what if this is it. headaches and tears and shaking and blood. and the debilitating, gut-wrenching feeling of pure and euphoric emptiness.