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Crystal Peterson May 2018
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.... Reset

Time Since I've Cut Myself: 10 Minutes

You've done it a hundred times before
But just when you thought the day would come
When you'd lose track of time
You'd forget when it was
And you wouldn't have to count anymore
You thought you were free of it
You'd made it far enough
You thought you'd gone long enough
You thought it was over....

You fall right back to zero.
I cut because I can see my pain slowly fade away.
I cut because I know things will never be okay.
I cut because my heart will forever be broken.
I cut trying to hide all the feelings that remain unspoken.
I cut because my life is killing me inside.
I cut because it’s something long sleeves and fake smiles can hide.
I cut because I feel alone.
I cut because no other path has been shown.
I cut because it just feels so right.
I cut because the scarlet blood shines so bright.
I cut to feel in control of the pain deep inside,
I cut because it is the only thing in which I can truly confide.
I cut because I feel like there is nothing left to do.
I cut because my heart is slowly breaking in two.
I cut because I know I’m not worth it.
I cut because I’m sick of peoples ****.
I cut because life *****.
I cut because I no longer give a ****.
I cut because I am dying,
I cut because I’m done with the lying.
I cut because it helps me know the bad guy,
I cut because I hope to eventually die.
I cut because people hurt me,
I cut because it’s easy not to let them see.
I cut because no one cares,
I cut because I am afraid of all my tears.
I cut because I hate life,
I cut because I am addicted to the pain of the knife.
Maybe you will finally understand.
katilyn holmes Mar 2015
1 cut, 2 cut, 3 cut, 4. cry for a while then cut some more. open cut, closed cut, cut scabbed over. drink away the pain, then cut again sober. old cut, new cut, cut dripping blood. drag the blade across and watch as it floods. cut on my wrist, cut on my thigh. wait til everyones asleep, then cut in the night. small cut, big cut, cut too deep. sit and watch as it continues to bleed. hi cut, bye cut, it keeps bleeding out. see you later cut, its over now
one cut two cut i like this one
taylor morgan Mar 2016
One cut, two cut, three cut, four.
Cry for a while then cut some more.
Open cut, closed cut, cut scabbed over.
Drink away the pain, then cut again sober.
Old cut, new cut, cut dripping blood.
Drag the blade across and watch as it floods.
Cut on my wrist, cut on my thigh.
wait 'til everyone's asleep,
then cut in the night.
Small cut, big cut, cut too deep.
Sit and watch as it continues to bleed.
Hi cut, bye cut, it keeps bleeding out.
see you later cut. It's all over now.
She's only 17 her whole life's ahead of her.
She hates school because the people they discredit her.
Her boyfriend tries to show her that's not how it seems.
But everyday she just gets lowered by her self esteem.
He tries to tell her every night will have a brighter day.
She even tried to over dose and take her life away.
She's feeling hopeless there sitting down beside her bed.
Then he takes his hand and places it beside her head.
He tries to hold her close but with every touch she still resists.
Then he sees the scars that burry deep within her wrists.
She's feeling numb, he starts to beg and plead and ask her why.
She says this way I have control of the pain she feels inside.
He's asking her how long it's been since you've felt this way.
Because you got me and I'm feeling so **** helpless.
She says its been a while I guess I needed better luck.
Then he screams at her and tells her Baby never cut!

Nobody seems to get you, you think you're on your own,
Well listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end,
You may just feel the bade your holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.

The next day she's feeling better than the day before.
Even cracked a couple smiles as she walked the corridor.
But all that seemed to end she dropped her books as she went into class.
And every student in he room just seemed to point and laugh.
She couldn't take it anymore she sent her boy a text.
It said I love you with my body, soul and heart to death.
Te thought nothing typed I love you then he sent it.
By death he didn't know that she had literally just meant it.
She ducked the next class ran straight into the bathroom.
Thought to her self she wouldn't brake her promise that soon.
1 cut... 2 cuts... 3 cuts... 4
The blood just started dripping from the tub to the floor.
Her boyfriend had a feeling in his stomach that he hated.
Followed it and ran down to her house he never waited.
The front door was open, he heard the water running.
He stormed into the bathroom and his heart just started gunning.

Nobody seems to get you, you think you're on your own,
Well listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end,
You may just feel the bade your holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.

He put her arm around his shoulder he's just tranna lean her back up.
Yelling out her name as he lays her beside the bathtub.
He feels his whole world just got hit from an avalanche.
Screaming out so heavily, somebody call an ambulance.
Felling mad angry like somebody led her on to this.
Her eyeballs are rolling, drifting out of consciousness.
Thinking to himself why the hell didn't she just stop at will.
The tears just keep on rolling as they head to the hospital.
Paramedics rush her in, the doctor calls emergency.
She's lost a lot of blood the place looking like a ****** scene.
An hour later, the doc walks in with a sour face.
And says excuse me for the words that I'm about to say.
I'm sorry for your loss, the boy just starts collapsing.
His own world, his own girl just took a crashing.
Saying to himself that it's his fault and that he let it up.
But baby...I thought you promised you would never cut.

Nobody seems to get you, you think you're on your own,
Well listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end,
You may just feel the bade your holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
this is a song that i go by and ill be putting up alot more lyrics
Pauline Morris Jan 2016
One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Watch my blood spill on the floor
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Isn't this life just ******* great
Nine cut, ten
Here we go again

One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Sinking every day a little more
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Future is up to chance and fate
Nine cut, ten
This ****** up game I'll never win
Orion Lesneski Nov 2019
Baby don't cut by Bmike
She's only 17, her whole life's ahead of her.
She hates school because the people there discredit her.
Her boyfriend tries to show her that's not how it seems.
But everyday she just gets lowered with her self-esteem.
He lets her know that every night will have a brighter day
She even tried to overdose and take her life away.
She's feeling hopeless there just sitting down beside her bed
Then he takes his hand and places it beside her head.
He tries to hold her but with every touch she still resists
And then he sees the scars that bury deep within her wrists
She's feeling numb, he tries to beg and plead and ask her, "Why?"
She says this way she has control of the pain she feels inside.
He's asking her, "How long it's going since you've felt this?
Way because you got me here, just feeling so **** helpless."
She says, "It's been a while. I guess I needed better luck."
And then he screams at her and tells her, "Baby, never cut!"
Nobody seems to get you, you feel you're on your own
But listen, pretty lady, you don't have to be alone.
So, baby, don't cut, baby, don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end
You may just feel that blade you're holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
The next day at school she's feeling better than the day before.
Even cracked a couple smiles as she walked the corridor.
But all that seemed to end: she dropped her books when she walked into class.
And every student in the room just seemed to point and laugh.
She couldn't take it anymore, she sent her boy a text.
She said, "I love you with my body, heart and soul to death."
He thought nothing, typed "I love you", then he sent it.
By "death" he didn't know that she had literally just meant it.
She ducked the next class, ran home into the bathroom.
Thought to herself she wouldn't break her promise that soon.
One cut... two cuts... three cuts... four
The blood just started dripping from the tub to the floor.
Her boyfriend had a feeling in his stomach that he hated.
He followed it right down to her house he never waited.
The front door was open, he heard the water running.
He stormed into the bathroom and his heart just started gunning.
Nobody seems to get you, you feel you're on your own
But listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end
You may just feel that blade you're holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
He puts her arm around his shoulder, he's just tryna lean her back up.
Yelling out her name as he lays her beside the bathtub.
Feels his whole world just took a hit from a big avalanche.
Screaming out so heavily, "Somebody call an ambulance!"
Feeling mad angry like somebody's led her onto this.
Her eyeballs are rolling, drifting out of consciousness.
Thinking to himself why the hell did she just stop at will.
The tears just keep on rolling as they head to the hospital.
Paramedics rush her in, the doctor calls emergency.
She's lost a lot of blood the place looks like a ****** scene
An hour later, the doc walks over with a sour face
And says, "Excuse me for the words that I'm about to say.
I'm sorry for your loss, " the boy just starts collapsing.
His own world, his own girl just took a crashing.
Saying to himself that it's his fault and that he let it up.
"Baby, I thought you made a promise you would never cut."
Nobody seems to get you, you feel you're on your own
But listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end
You may just feel that blade you're holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut
LovelyBones Oct 2014
They whisper to me, whenever they can...
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Just
Do
It
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Bleed­
Cut
Cut
Why
Won't
You
Listen
Cut
Cut
Cut
...and then i give in.
Cat Lynn May 2019
Part A:
Cut it out
It won't do a thing!

Stop cutting yourself!
You're gaining nothing!

I slice and dice and move my mice
Claw myself with my built-in knives

Screaming and Crying as the blood drains, right?
Scars and wounds keep you up all night!

The alcohol string, do you feel the pain?
It burns and eats the bacteria in your veins

Sometimes the healing aches a lot
So that you learn something and begin to stop!!!

Chorus:
CUT CUT CUT CUT! Can we get enough? ENOUGH!
Trying to live like we wanna get better!
Your linen won't hide your cuts forever

KNIFE KNIFE! SLICE SLICE!
What are you doing your life? LIFE!
Heart pump's blood to keep you live'n
Why can't you accept that you are forgive'n?

Part B
"Hey! What's up? Are you doing alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine! Just had a really bad fight..."

A fight with yourself that you can never win
Using gloves and sleeves to keep your slits hidden.

Do you not see the diamond you are?
Ignore the lies that formed those scars

Your numbness won't just fade away
When your life is mixed in with the gray

Sitting alone in the darkness, blackness
Trying to hide all blood drop messes

Chorus
CUT CUT CUT CUT! Can we get enough? ENOUGH!
Trying to live like we wanna get better!
Your linen won't hide your cuts forever

KNIFE KNIFE! SLICE SLICE!
What are you doing your life? LIFE!
Heart pump's blood to keep you live'n
Why can't you accept that you are forgive'n?

Part C*
Razor Sharp... It feels just right
Holding on to that blade real tight...
Hidden in the darkness, out of sight...
It is worth the damage it causes? Worth all the lies?
Worth the secret? Worth the hide from the ones who love you with all their might?

Don't you feel their love, His love...
ENOUGH!

Chorus
CUT CUT CUT CUT! Can we get enough? ENOUGH!
Trying to live like we wanna get better!
Your linen won't hide your cuts forever

KNIFE KNIFE! SLICE SLICE!
What are you doing your life? LIFE!
Heart pump's blood to keep you live'n
Why can't you accept that you are forgive'n?
Another poem song I hope to write up someday... maybe...
It's a song about cutting and how it never seems to be enough. We can;t just do it once... it's a temptation and a struggle that makes us want to do it again and again...

and we forget about the ones who love us
We forget who we are in our Creator's eyes... and how worthy we are...
AJ Peace Nov 2015
cold and lonely, tired of feeling down
wishing you had someone but no one is around.
thoughts run through your mind,
you think it's better to end your life.
But just hear me out before you go and pick up that knife.

Please don't cut, please don't cut.
I promise you you're loved,
just please don't cut.
If you feel the need to say you're all out of luck,
I'm just a call away when things get tough.
The fact of the matter is you are enough
so please don't cut, please don't cut.

I know things can be a struggle
and sometimes you don't know what to do,
but there is help out there for people like me and you.
You feel like no one understands you,
you feel like your constantly being judged.  
People make you feel like you're worthless and you're not enough. They label you and not a single word is true.
But who cares what the world says about you?
They don't know you or any of the **** that you've been through.
You wish people would listen and not just assume,
that you're fine because you always fake a smile.

No one is there when your sitting alone in your room,
no one is with you when your praying to the clouds above,
no ones there when you need a bit of love,
no body cares when you have nothing left to give,
it's no suprise when you don't want to live.

please don't cut, please don't cut  
I promise you you're loved,
just please don't cut.
if you feel the need to say you're all out of luck
I'm just a call away when things get tough.
the fact of the matter is you are enough
so please don't cut, please don't cut.

You pick up the knife just to feel human and alive.
Cut out all the numbness that people make you feel inside.
I know you want to get out all the pain,
but trust me when I say cutting is not the way,
It really ain't worth it, you'll just end up feeling ashamed.
You cover up the scars with long sleeves hoping that no one will see, but I can see that you're hurting inside.
I just have to look deep into your eyes.

please don't cut, please don't cut
I promise you you're loved,
just please don't cut.
if you feel the need to say you're all out of luck
I'm just a call away when things get tough.
the fact of the matter is you are enough
so please don't cut, please don't cut.

I know it don't seem like it right now,
but things will get better and you will get out,
of this dark place that you feel trapped in.
you're not alone, if you need someone I'm just a call away on the phone.
You might think you're worthless but you're worth so much.
I promise you, you are enough and you are loved.
Just promise me you won't cut tonight.
#depression #mentalhealth #self-harm
Park Neyman Apr 2016
cut cut,
the vain opens nice,
drip drop,
blood begins to appear;
just one more,
just one more,
cut cut,
drip drop,
remember why your doing this?
cut cut,
drip drop,
the blood begins to pour,
come on,
no one cares,
just one more,
cut cut,
drip drop,
just a little bit more,
cut cut,
drip drop,
you're up to ten,
Just a little deeper,
a little stronger,
the pain stings more,
cut cut,
drip drop,,
you're about dead,
so why stop?
cut cut,
drip drop,
you go towards the light,
drip drop,
drip drop,
you're gone taken by the night.
My favorite poem i have writen
Abraham Oct 2017
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN
CUT DOWN CUT DOWN

your dreams of becoming
a world famous poet.
Amoy Feb 2019
I said it once or maybe it was thrice
My words are not nice they cut like knife
What did I say? is it a big slice?
My words are not nice they cut like knife
Can’t I be bold? without paying a price
My words are not nice they cut like knife
I thought was being nice and not mean and cold like ice
My words are not nice they cut like knife
What was the line that pierced through you?
My words are not nice they cut knife
My words change the mood and now you brood
My words are not nice they cut like knife
Why do the lyrics to my song always comes out wrong?
My words are not nice they cut like knife
My words creates an uproar in our vibrational sing-along
My words are not nice they cut like knife
Forgive me my love I know I was wrong
My words are not nice they cut like knife
I’m not trying to create a mash up out of our perfect song
My words are not nice the cut like knife
I don’t want to be afraid to say what’s on my mind
My words are not nice they cut like knife
Don’t let these words make our relationship decline
My words are not nice the cut like knife
We have waited an eternity and now is our time
My words are not nice they cut like knife
I’m sorry Babes I was completely out of line
My words are not nice they cut like knife
I swear I’ll try, I’ll do better next time
My words are not nice they cut like knife
Words aren’t my strongest suit they get intertwined and messes with the baseline
My words are not nice they cut like knife
Kelsey Rhoads Feb 2017
One cute, two cut, three cut four.
Cry for a while, then cut some more.
Open cut, closed cut,cut scabbed over.
Drink away the pain, then cut sober.
Old cut, new cut, cut dripping blood.
Drag the cut across and watch as it floods.
Cut on my wrist, cut on my thigh.
Wait til' everyone's asleep.
Cut in the night.
Small cut, big cut, cut too deep.
Sit and watch as it continues to bleed.
Hi cut, bye cut, keeps bleeding out.
Bye bye cut, it's all over now.
If you get it, i'm sorry. Stay strong, friend.
nnylhsa May 2014
one cut
two cut
three cut
four
cut until i am no more

five cut
six cut
seven cut
eight
starve until it looks like i never ate

nine cut
ten cut
eleven cut
twelve
grab the gun and turn to helve

thirteen cut
fourteen cut
fifteen cut
sixteen
i'm starting to forget all that i've seen

seventeen cut
eighteen cut
nineteen cut
twenty
i believe i have lived plenty

twenty-one cut
twenty-two cut
twenty-three cut
twenty-four
i am no more

(a.b)
Matthew Chen Feb 2015
Do not cut with no reason
Do not cut with pain
Do not cut with no emotion
Do not cut with no blood

Do not cut without a blade
Do not cut with a blunt end
Do not cut with a smile
Do not cut without meaning

Cut when there's a dark room
Cut when it's necessary
Cut when you're alone
Cut when you're in doubt

Cut with sharp ends
Cut with blood
Cut with reason
Cut with meaning
Haylin May 2018
One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Watch my blood spill on the floor
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Isn't this life just ******* great
Nine cut, ten
Here we go again

One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Sinking every day a little more
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Future is up to chance and fate
Nine cut, ten
This ****** up game I'll never win
Pualena Jan 2018
You cut yourself and you don’t even feel how it hurts anymore.
You cut yourself and you don’t have control over your life
You cut yourself and you don’t have anyone who cares.
You cut yourself and you don’t need anyone's help.
You cut yourself and you don’t ever bleed.
You cut yourself and you don’t…
You cut yourself and you…
You cut yourself and…
You cut yourself…
You cut…
You.
That’s right, it’s about you.
It’s always about you.
When will it stop being about you?
You’re so selfish.
No one loves you.
How could they?
You can’t even love yourself.
What’s there to love?
You’re such a **** person and you know it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Screams bounce off the walls. Spit flying from your mouth as you cry out the frustrations.
Only you can hear you and people only pretend to understand what you’re saying, but they’re just as deaf as you are blind.
You’re all alone; and you like it.
It’s your very own personal insane asylum, and everyone is looking at you safely shielding themselves behind glass walls.
You hate it but you need it. You want to escape but not enough to break down the mental barriers you’ve put up.
You are your own enemy and you're kicking your ***.
You’re a burden not worth saving.
Just stay in your room. Stay in your pile of insanity.
Keep everyone safe from yourself.
And one day, hopefully, the void will swallow you whole and it’ll be like you were never here.
You cut yourself because you’re afraid and shaking.
You cut yourself because you don’t want to be weak.
You cut yourself because you don’t feel like enough.
You cut yourself because you feel like a scared child.
You cut yourself and you’re searching for a reason why.
You cut yourself and none of the answers make sense to you.
You cut yourself. And it's always about you.
Pauline Morris May 2016
Cut
One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Watch my blood spill on the floor
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Isn't this life just ******* great
Nine cut, ten
Here we go again

One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Sinking every day a little more
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Future is up to chance and fate
Nine cut, ten
This ****** up game I'll never win
Mims Oct 2016
Paper cut, paper cut,
Words cut me,
Paper cut, paper cut,
You don't scare me,
Paper cut, paper cut,
You make me bleed,
Paper cut, paper cut,
Kills you,
As you roll your ****
tiaamaariaa Oct 2013
Cut
Thoughts take over
Tears fall down my face
cut
cut
cut
"I'm doing it again, I don't know what to do..help me!"
"Just try to forget about what's bothering you!
cut
cut
cut
"Its not that easy"
"Well stop what you're doing! It doesn't make things better"
"To me it does.."
cut
cut
cut
"I find what you're doing nasty and pointless,just do something to get you're mind off of it. Talk to someone!"
(I'm trying to talk to you but you find what I'm doing nasty..thanks for the help)
cut
cut
cut
"I stopped"
"Good,don't do it again"
I can't promise that..
-te
Just a conversation I had with someone earlier..
Blue Dec 2019
pulling out the drawer, looking down at the blades
which one to use today?
staring down at my wrists choosing what design
one that’s easy to hide and hard to find
which arm to use?
some call it sick some call it abuse others call it crazy
but I call it truce
how much blood should spill?
I guess however much until I heal
when reminded I am broken
I start to ask where should I open?
one cut. . two cut. . three cut. .
when my knife gets decline
I seek demons who wait anxiously for my lifeline
I cut to feel
when nobody talks to you or cares, it’s the only thing that seems real
the razor the only thing I trust
when life gets too much
waking up each morning, horrified, at all these scars that must be covered
I’m the keeper and the blade is my owner
one cut.. two cut.. three cut..
in order to seal all my shame
bones is where I’ll aim
sobbing my pool of blood in horror
questioning myself everytime in the mirror
curving two vessels to see which blood comes out faster like a race
whenever painful tears get dry on my face
friends practicing what to con
while I practice what leg to draw on
always being the outcast
so I hid behind this blade is my mask
writing in my journal, how nice it must be to be normal.
one cut.. two cut.. three cut..
Slitting my guilt on my skin
pretty pictures grow bigger as the demon inside me I can’t win
making nice touches to let out my screams, then watching as my fear flows, closing my eyes to the afterlife I must go.
You are metal with no heart,
but in my life you became a huge part..
When I was 12

I cut for the frist time I used this little
sharp thing that came in this manicure set
I don't know why I did it but I can remember
my hand hanging over the bathroom sink little drips of blood falling from me I staired in to space I can still feel that dead feeling
Latter that year I cut in front of my friend I did not think she was looking, she **** my hand and " oh my god, dude did you just make that happen?" I should be I shamed I would be now, but then I think I may have been proud, it got worst I cut everyday
mostly my hands. One day my older brother
asked what happen to my hands I said his cat had scratch me
a really bad lie cuz rocko would never hurt a fly,
and he new cuz he told my mom right there and then
Ma, I think she's cuting herself, I was so panic that I don't even remember what she said, but I did not stop
mouths later I think it was in Jan of 2001
I was at my sisters house and I must have had a scrach or scar showing
I reamber what she said, my hand are shaking tyeping it,
"Why are you cutting you're self little *******!, you know that bring the devil he likes that!, little did I know those would be that last words she ever said to me cuz she died in feb that same year
and know it's crazy but part of me will allways blame me and my cutting,
and i still think of her when I cut, I don't have to tell you that did not stop me,

whene I was 13

I don't think I cut much wich is do odd cuz it was the worst time in my life, insted I dressed like a ****, got drunk, talk back to my famliy and messed aroung with grown up guys,  and started writeing poetry
but I never cut.

Whene I was 14

god that was I really bad bad time I'm pretty shore I was crazy
I was convosed about my sexuality and gender,
i shaved my head started dressing as crazy as possibal maybe get ppl to look at me, maybe to scare them away I don't know.
but I cut, I cut I LOT! I can remember locking myself in the basement with my KORN and SLIPKNOT CDs turned up so load no one can hear my cry, I craved an anarcy symble in my lag, and fell asleep on the liveing room couch, my mom saw it and freaked out, she asked me if I was crazy?, gay?, if it hurt?, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep.

When I was 15

everyone just knew I was crazy, I cut be with the head to toe black
dog colers and books on the cruch of Satan no one really nodest, but I knew, it was takeing over my life, I had so meny cut on my arms that
ther was not a part of my skin that was not scabed red or swollen
but I did not stop.

When I was 16

I lot of things about me chanched at 16
but it was hard to say what they where
i remember one day I staired in the mirror so long
I could not stand mr face and more I was enraged
I was allwas sad, but now it was anger I did not want to see
any part of me or my life any more a hated it all so much
I tryed to blind me self, with narr hair remover, I put in to my eyes
it was the worst pain I ever felth, and when everything started to look gray I was scard and for the frist time sents my sisters death
I prayed to god not elfs or the vampire ruler
but god, and it stop the bruning the grayness stoped
and from that the I never said I did not believe in god, you can call me crazy, but I think I should'ev been blind.
but I never stoped cutting,
just mouths layer in the summer I can remember
being dressed like a latex dominatress, I craved the word nothing in my hand that word ment a lot to me it was my seventh name
I never thoght anyone nodest but when I came home one day
2 of my 3 brothers and my mom where waiting like an intervention
they asked me why?, what does it mean?, my father asked if I " really worship the devil?" I just said I do it cuz I'm crazy and never said anouther word,  but I did not stop cutting.

When I was 17

my life was sleep cutting and poetry and nothing more,
I lived in razor blades and notbooks, I can remember one day I had 2 cuts on my arm my uper arm, but I must have forgot cuz I did not
where a swater to the dinner table, my brother the same brother
that nodest when I was 12 got up in a rage and went in to the ketchen with my mom and was yelling at her " did you see the cuts?, did you see thies ******* cuts, he did not think I heard no one did but that mead my cry so hard, I'm and will allways protective of my mom, I hated that she was getting yelled at for something I did, but than she starting blameing everyone but me, I craved a heart in to my hand and she went if in my neice say "did you see her do this?"
now my cuting was everyone pain
but I did not stop

when I was 18

I did not cut as much but whene I did it was bad
I used broken glass it was my favoret, and I cut placeing
that never showed, when I  was dressed,
and I looked normle just like anyone els
nothing dark of freaky about me but if you saw me
naked I was a masacare
and I did not stop.

When I was 19

I had a hole deffrent feeling like nothing I did
was good enough, I'm not like everyone els my
age, I allwas had this thing where when ever u was outside
and someone laughed I thought it was about me
if they looked at me it was cuz I'm ugly
or just a freak, at this time it was worst
cuz I realize not much has chanched in my life.
I got my shoulder once I was one my computer
and my dad asked what happend I said I got cut when I was
moving things in my room all he said oh I thought
you where doing something weird, talk about being the last to know.

When I was 20

I only cut twice that year, And my mom seemed to think about it more that me but in a defforent way "what are you gunna do with those scars?"
shed allways say, still does no mans gonna wanna marry someone with
unexplainable scars on her body, I allways found that shallow
and cold but I did not completly stop cuting.

When I was 21

I had an inter deffrent soul or at lest a new mask
in lost wight, trund blond, for the longest time replaced
poetry with make up, try to perfect most ppl thought I was
even me, I was bublelie that girl who laughed really loud
with butterflys in my bedroom and boys on my cell phone
mirrors and make up, it kinda the new obession cuz I can feel it taken over, and no one knows it  they will never guess it
but I did not stop cuting

now i'm 22 years olds

sometimes I feel so fake I wanna scream,
I don't reconize me anymore, but I never like me anyway
I can't understand how I can want those feeling back?
I mead so long, how can I just stop?
Cuting is part of me, as much as I want it gone
then why did cry so much, more then the blood
why do I feel so worthless saying
I did not stop cutting...
Every word is true, I never told anyone any of this
I never will,
Diversity of motivation among self-harming individuals

An estimated one in twelve teenagers has committed self-harm. Of those many will continue self-injuring into young adult hood. Yet older adults are not immune to committing this act. In 2003-2004 adults age 25-44 were responsible for nearly fifty percent of reported/discovered self-harm cases.  There are many reasons that people self-harm. These reasons may include self-harming as a survival mechanism, self-harm as an outer expression of inner emotional turmoil, and self-harm as a means to exercise control over one’s environment.
Contrary to popular thought, only one in ten people who make the decision to self-harm are suicidal. The majority of people who cause injury to themselves willfully have a wish to avoid killing themselves. The act of self-harm is developed as a “technique” to cope and survive the afflictions of life. How can we know that this is the reasoning or thought behind the action of self-harm? “Cutters” typically reason out the least amount of damage that will “remedy” the stress intensive situation that they find themselves in, and exercise an enormous amount of restraint in inflicting only a measured amount of damage. Cutters’ common logic is that through this expression of injury, further damage to their selves may be headed off. --------, a former cutter, attests to the reality of this when he says, “Every time that I touched a blade to my skin, I would resist making a larger cut, a deeper wound. Every time that I hurt myself, I did so only in response to what drove me over the edge; Each time the amount of physical damage that I did was the very least that I could muster. I fought to do the least damage I could, no matter how intense the pain that I felt became.” He sums it up rather nicely.
Secondly, self-harm is used as an outward expression of deeper, more complex emotional and psychological phenomena. It is not a diagnosis; it is a symptom. It is a symptom of a struggle that is inherited by victims of abuse, those who lose a loved one, or experience other traumatic events during their childhood. These groups are far more likely to indulge in self-harm. One study conducted by Boudewyn and Liem found that of those college students that reported a history of self-harm, fifty two percent had been sexually abused as a child. Those that self-harm do not simply cut to cut, burn to burn, or mutilate to mutilate. There is a deeper motivation. This motivation is commonly emotional. These motivational emotions are often the results of tragic or traumatic life experiences. It is seldom that a cutter’s motivation is a want for attention.  In fact, most cutters are chameleons.
Self- harm is used as a tool to exercise control in a chaotic environment over which one would not otherwise have any means to control. Among chaos and turmoil such as the loss of a parent or close friend, relational betrayal, divorce of one’s parents, or consistent, one time, or sporadic physical, emotional, or ****** abuse an individual is radically more likely to engage in self-harm. Outside reasoning on this is only speculative. For this reason it is valuable to look at the action from the perspective of those who commit it. Cody, the same individual mentioned earlier says something else that lines up with this common scholarly opinion. He says “I remember the very first time I cut myself intentionally. I was in the ninth grade, in the school bathroom. I had just experienced what I saw as betrayal by my best friend of about ten years. I felt like I lost him. I felt like things were spinning out of control, and I couldn’t control the way I felt about it all. The only way I could feel that control was with something sharp in my hand.” This is characteristic not only of ----- but also of many other cutters.
Cutters are not (necessarily) crazy. On the surface it may appear that cutting goes against the ingrained survival and self-preservation instincts in human beings. This is actually the opposite of the truth. Many who cut feel that if they don’t inflict smaller harm to themselves that they may indeed fall to suicide. They feel that by letting out their pain in increments, and escaping in fragments, that they can slay the thoughts of suicide and urges to escape that they carry. When at the edges of rational, some instincts may take different forms. What may seem counter intuitive – an act of self-harm – becomes the definition of an instinct that it seems to defy. The desire to survive becomes so strong that it is necessary to inflict pain. This is not uncommon to survival situations. For example, the movie 127 Hours reenacts the experience of a man trapped under a boulder in a beautiful and secluded gorge. He cut off his own arm with a dull multi-tool in order to escape death. That act is the epitome of self-harm as a survival instinct.
Cutting could lead to a series of events that tailspin out of control. Loss of control could take the form of the spiral of therapies and prescriptions that would follow if it were discovered that one were cutting , or it could be the accidental slip of a blade gone too far. It could end in hospitalization. It could even end in death. However, those individuals who choose to cut, as long as sober, take precautions to avoid discovery or more injury than is intended. They are meticulous, careful even. They reason out how, where, and when they can cut “safely”. They are very much in control over the act, when they feel they cannot be in control of anything else.
It may rationally appear that pain is pain. That it would make no difference whether out or inward, because whatever its state, the pain is still owned by the individual. However, emotions are often harder to process than physical events. A burning rage, hate or guilt may well be harder to cope with than a burn to one’s arm, leg, or hand. An emotional cut to the bone may be less painful than a physical one. It may be said that the act does not transform the pain, but multiplies it. This in essence may be true, but one form of pain allows a man to ignore another. A pinch may allow a man to ignore the emotional pain of a nightmare. A small cut may allow ignorance of the bigger cut on one’s spirit or psyche.
There are widely varying and increasingly complex variations of motivation and cause of self-harm. They may include, but are absolutely and in no way limited to: self-harm as a coping or survival mechanism, self-harm as a tool to exercise control over one’s increasingly chaotic environment, and self-harm as an outer expression of inner emotional turmoil. To believe that cutting is simple is to nearly deny it altogether. Its essence is complicated. Stereotyping self-harm or self-harmers may well lead to opinions that will ostracize or further encourage the occurrence of self-harm.  Since the motivation and causes of self-harm are undeniably complex, to attempt to brush this under a rock would be to diminish its importance, and to deny healing to those who need to understand it.
ekelhaft Feb 2017
A secret I'll confess,
Disgusting as it is strange;
Making me feel less,
Begging for immediate change.
Cut 1; the beginning of a tragedy.
Cut 2; pity for me, begging for you.
Cut 3; the words that echo horribly.
Cut 4; losing hope to live for.
Cut 8; the age that daddy chose to touch me.
Cut 12; when Cousin made me play a little game.
Cut 15; the hellish years I've lived, enduring.
Cut 28; filled with sorrow and hate;
Cut 37; out of vain, illustrated heaven.
Cut 50; the cutting and the bleeding get blurry.
Cut 68; I question my fate.
Cut 77; the innocence you seem to deafen.
Cut 82; I know it's more than blue.
Cut 95; seems pointless to strive.
Cut 100; I live on, but I know I'm already dead.
Wanted you to help me, but never could.
Wanted you to save me, but never would.
Madness I tried to stop and still is struggling:
Now everything that makes me happy seem more depressing.
Talk to me
maya cahill Apr 24
one
one cut
two cut
three cut
four
i watch the blood drip from my wrists to the floor

five cut
six cut
seven cut
eight
the blood flowing and rushing makes me feel faint

nine cut
ten cut
eleven cut
twelve
cut for a little then cry some more

thirteen cut
fourteen cut
fifteen cut
sixteen
the blood is starting to show through my jeans

seventeen cut
eighteen cut
nineteen cut
twenty
pain is the only thing i feel

fifty-nine
seventy-six
eighty-three
ninety-nine
i'm starting to lose track

one-hundred
i've finally decided to end it all and pick up the gun
David Walker Dec 2012
Origins
written and directed
by
David Walker

Inspired
by
the films of
Quentin Tarantino
David Lynch
&
Rob Zombie

There is method
To his madness

                                                        ­                                                                 ­                  January 2013              
                                              ­                                                                 ­                       first draft









1. EXT. Run down project apartment complex - 3:00 am

A dark, tall figure with long black hair and a trenchcoat opens the already cracked red door.

MAN:
I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.

                                                        ­                                                                 ­                                       CUT TO:
INT. Apartment 3

A typical roach infested apartment with a kitchen built into the living room. 3 GIRLS are on the kitchen floor. GIRL # 1 one has black hair with big lips and a curvy frame and she is wearing a pair of Tripp pants and a black bra barely covering her ample *****. She has a flesh colored rubber hose tied to her left arm. GIRL # 2 has dyed rainbow colored hair, a nice smile, and a skinny frame. She is wearing a pair of tore blue jeans with smiley faces and cute in jokes written on them, also not wearing a shirt with a lacy blue bra on. She has a spoon with water and black tar ****** inside it which she is heating up with a silver Zippo with the word "Skittles" engraved into it. GIRL # 3 Has long naturally red hair, glasses and an extremely voluptuous figure. She is wearing tight black pants and a black shirt with thin sleeves. She is inspecting a covered syringe with an unsure look in her eyes.

GIRL # 2:
So, do you wanna do it or not Jane?

Snatches the syringe out of JANE's hand.

JANE:
I'm not sure. How long have you been doing this ****?

Girl #2 takes the orange cap off the syringe revealing a small needle.

GIRL #2:
Since after I graduated. About 3 years. Liz you ready?

LIZ:
As ready as I am for dat sweet tang!

Girl #2 giggles. She sticks the needle into Liz's arm, blood mixes with the brown fluid inside, and she pushes the plunger down. Liz leans back into Girl #2's arms and Girl #2 gives her a kiss.

LIZ:
I love you, Julia.

JULIA:
Well, I love you too.

JANE:
You guys are so gay!

(OS):
Save that **** for the ******* customers!

                                                     ­                                                                 ­                                       CUT TO:
Other side of room. A greasy looking MAN with short faded black hair and a scar going from the corner of his mouth to the right ear is sitting in a beat up recliner cleaning his Uberti 1873 Cattleman revolver while smoking a fat blunt and watching some kind of high budget **** with Sasha Grey in it.

JULIA:
Sorry, Mike. It didn't stop you from leaving me and Liz unsatisfied and bored, did it?

LIZ and JULIA laugh. JANE has a nervous look in her eyes.

MIKE:
Very ******* funny you wore out trick! Am I gonna have to smack the sass out yo mouth?

MIKE gets up, puts out his blunt and walks over to the GIRLS gun in hand.

MIKE:
Or am I gonna have to give your little friend a scar like mine.

LIZ:
Mike don't!

MIKE SLAPS JULIA with the side of his UNLOADED revolver and grabs JANE by her hair.

MIKE:
Who the **** are you, anyways *****?

JANE:
(stuttering)
I was walking down the street earlier today and I ran into Julia and Liz. They went to school with my sister I think. Let me go!

MIKE:
So you're a young'n. Well you have some nice big *******!

MIKE RIPS off her shirt exposing her *******. He begins to squeeze the right one. JANE SLAPS MIKE HARD!

MIKE:
*****!

MIKE lets go of her hair. Jane runs to the other room grabbing her shirt. LIZ stumbles towards him and PUNCHES him in the nose.

MIKE:
That's it! You little *** dumpsters are dead!

MIKE picks up the REVOLVER, runs to the chair where the bullets are and tries to reload. JULIA wakes from her daze. We see him load 3 rounds. All of a sudden the DOOR gets broken down and the dark clad FIGURE from the scene before pulls out a BERETTA M9 with a silencer attachment. MIKE FIRES 2 shots at him haphazardly missing both. The MAN LAUGHS and FIRES one shot that MIKE's crotch catches.

                                                       ­                                                                 ­                                       CUT TO:
2. INT. Next door in Apartment 2.

A MAN and WOMAN in their early 40's are smoking a joint and seem disturbed by the gunfire.

MAN:
(coughing)
What the hell was that?

WOMAN:
Sounded like gunshots. Do you think we should call the cops?

MAN:
**** no! There is a pound of chronic in the bedroom closet! Just pray whoever it is doesn't come over here!

WOMAN:
Okay. Are you gonna pass that?

                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                     CUT TO:
3. INT. Apartment 3.

The smoke has cleared. MIKE is begging for death and BLEEDING out everywhere, JULIA is in a daze, dumbfounded by what she just witnessed, LIZ is cowering in fear, crying, and JANE just came out of the bedroom with her TORN SHIRT on and a terrified "Oh my God" expression. The unknown assailant has a devilish grin upon his face.

MIKE:
Godfuck! **** me you sunuvabitch! Godda--

The MAN obliges. He fires a single shot into his RIGHT EYE.

MAN:
Well, looks like I got here in the nick of time!

JULIA:
(blankly)
W-Who the **** are you?

MAN:
That is of little importance right now. Who are you foxy ladies?

JULIA:
M-My name's Julia. That girl over there (points to Liz) is Liz, and the ginger is Jane.

MAN:
What pretty names! Well, I have a question. Will you three lovely young ladies gather round that despicable looking chair and listen to what I have to say, or are you going to run? Keep in mind I have rope in my trenchcoat and the fact I mean you no harm. I am just a lonely man with a story to tell, and the way I see it, what with that bruise on your sweet face, you kinda owe me.

JULIA:
I think we can stay. I just wanna know your name.

MAN:
Ahh, but I am a man of many names. My christian name is Derek. You don't need the last for now.

DEREK walks to the chair and sits down. He waves the GIRLS over.

DEREK:
C'mon I just want to tell my tale. Look, I will put the gun under the chair as a sign of good faith that neither you girls or I will start shooting the place up again. Are we square ladies?

JULIA:
What do ya say guys?

They gather in the kitchen.

LIZ:
This guy has a ***** loose.

JULIA:
Yes, but he saved us from our ****. We should humor him.

JANE:
I think he is hot!

LIZ and JULIA just stare at JANE.

JANE:
Sorry, but he is.

JULIA:
So it's agreed. We will listen to his story, silently pray he doesn't **** us and leave afterwards.

The GIRLS walk to the chair. DEREK has lit the blunt.

DEREK:
Ahh, so you have decided to join me. Good. Do you guys wanna hit this?

LIZ and JULIA shake their heads no.

JANE:
I will.

DEREK:
Great. Now, where do I begin. I suppose everybody's roots stem from childhood, so lets go back, oh say, 20 years ago.

                                                           ­       FADE TO BLACK        
Against black, TITLE CARD

October 15th 1995.

                                                          ­                       CUT TO      
4. EXT. Suburbia circa 1995.

There are three boys between the ages of 6 and 9 playing in front of a grey HOUSE with a white MINIVAN in the driveway. Little DEREK is a scrawny 6 year old boy with short brown hair and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figure in his hands. The 2 other BOYS ages 7 and 9 are picking on him and trying to take away DONATELLO.

DEREK:
Leave me alone or I will whoop your ****.

BOY #1:
Whatever! You are scrawny and lame. Give us your Ninja Turtle now or we will beat you up!

BOY #2 picks up a STICK and starts hitting DEREK with it.

BOY #2:
What are you going to do? Get your daddy? Oh, wait...that's right, you don't have one!

The 2 BULLIES start laughing. A look of hatred fills young DEREK's eyes. He catches the STICK and slaps BOY #2 in the face with it. He then tackles him and starts beating him mercilessly. BOY #1 runs towards the PORCH and knocks on the DOOR. DEREK'S MOM answers. She is in her mid 30's with brown hair and casual clothing on, smoking a cigarette and drinking a cup of "coffee."

BOY #2:
Derek's beating up Josh again!

DEREK'S MOM:
Well, good for him! Bet that little pecker snot deserved it too. Now, Brad...why don't you take you and your friend on home before I tell your dad you play with Barbies.

LATE 20'S DEREK:
(OS)
My mother was a sweet ol' broad!

BRAD:
(sighs)
Okay, Ms. Walters, but you do know you are going to have to pull him offa Josh right?

DEREK'S MOM:
(sighs like Brad)
I suppose.

DEREK'S MOM and BRAD walk to the front yard and GASP when they notice that DEREK has knocked out 2 of JOSH'S baby teeth, both in the front and broke his nose, which is bleeding profusely.

DEREK'S MOM:
Derek Charles Walters! Get the **** up offa him!

DEREK:
(crying)
He hit me with a stick!

DEREK'S MOM:
Well, now I'm about to!

She picks up the STICK and beats his *** with it several times.

DEREK:
******* *****!

DEREK'S MOM, infuriated throws the stick down and SLAPS him across the face. DEREK runs away.
He runs to a wooded area in the back yard as far as his legs can take him.

LATE 20'S DEREK:
(OS)
Do not weep, for on that day, I met God and Satan incarnate and it turns out they existed singularly in my head.
                                                           ­                                                                 ­                          CUT TO:

5. JANE:
Like a conscience?

DEREK:
Much more. These guys are in the room right now and only I can see him. Satan led me to you guys tonight! Who knows what kind of CRAZY hijinks are in store!

JULIA:
That's it I'm outta here! C'mon gu--

DEREK fires of his M9 1 time.

DEREK:
Now, listen to me you dykey, ****** *****. I have 3 more rounds in this ******* and one
of them is reserved for you if you don't sit your tight *** back down.

JULIA sits back down scared to death. DEREK regains his composure and is "all smiles" again.

DEREK:
Phew! I don't want to hurt anybody. I just want someone pretty to listen to my ******* story. ****, if you want, I will ask you guys about yourself later on, but for now I'm going to introduce you to my best friends.

JANE:
Who are they again?

DEREK:
Ah, you were trying to pay attention. I will remember that. They go by many names. One can be called "God", "Heroic Harry", "The White Knight", whatever you envision as good, this **** is it. He is the reason you guys are still alive.

LIZ:
And the other?

DEREK:
Ahh, him. He can go by "Satan", "The ******", "The Angel of Death." He's the reason ol' crusty here no longer bothers you.

LIZ:
So you're basically ape ****, right?

DEREK:
Pretty much! Now where was I? Ah...yes

                                                       ­                                                                 ­                                    CUT TO:

6. INT. Small wooded area behind the house --- Early evening.

DEREK has made himself a nice little HANGOUT in the woods! there is a trunk with tons of comics in it, an arsenal of sharpened sticks and rocks, Batman action figures, and a Game Boy Color. He is drawing a picture at the moment.

LATE 20'S DEREK:
(OS)
There I was in my element. ****** at my mother, then all of a sudden, a deep, angelic voice rang out.

VOICE #1:
(OS...of course)
You don't have to hate her, you know. She loves you.

LATE 20'S DEREK:
(OS)
And then another, this voice sounding more playful and mischievous then the other.

VOICE #2:
(OS)
But, for how long? Do you think she meant to have you?

DEREK:
Where are you guys?

LATE 20'S DEREK:
(OS)
And then they appeared.

A 13 YEAR OLD BOY with BROWN hair and a FLANNEL overshirt over a Nirvana T-SHIRT with baggy torn blue JEANS with stains on them appears.

BOY #1:
Don't hate your mom.

VOICE #2:
(OS)
But, watch her close.

DEREK turns his head. We see another BOY roughly the same age with slightly long BLACK hair and a TRENCHCOAT over a Nine Inch Nails T-SHIRT with tight black CHICK PANTS with a CHAIN leading from his pocket to his BELT. He has a lip piercing and he is smoking a cigarette.

DEREK:
Who are you guys?

BOY #1:
Just think of us as older brothers your mom can't see.

DEREK:
Wow! I should introduce you guys to my friends!

BOY #2:
No!

DEREK:
Why not?

BOY #2:
You are the only person that can see us. Don't go telling anyone and don't talk to us in front of anyone. People will think you are nuts!

BOY #1:
Think of us as two ghosts that give you advice. Don't listen to him though, he'll get you in trouble.

BOY #2:
Shut up! Or I will kick your *** again.

BOY #1:
Not in front of him. He doesn't need to see that ****. Not now

DEREK:
What are your names?

BOY #1:
That's up to you.

DEREK:
I'll call you Joe, and him Jerry.

JOE:
Works for me, for now. Call us whatever you feel like calling us whenever you like. If you wanna call me ******* and him poophead, go right ahead.

DEREK:
Okay, but for now you guys are Joe and Jerry.

JOE:
We are going to leave now. We will show up when we think the time is right. Sometimes you will see us others you won't, but we are always with you.

JERRY:
Even when you ****.

                                                          ­                                                                 ­                     CUT TO:
7. INT. Apartment 3.

LATE 20'S DEREK:
And then I went back home and they disappeared. I reconciled with my mom and for the next few weeks I didn't see them. Brad started hanging out with me again and school was good. The years go by and still no sight of them. 4 years pass by. It's 1999 and my tastes changed. Instead of Ninja Turtles and Batman it was KISS and Freddy Krueger. By this point me and Josh had made up and Brad was in middle school. And so we go to where me and the voices meet again.

8. INT. Taft Elementary
A class of roughly 25 children in your average 5th grade home room with a stout middle aged gentleman teaching. JOSH and DEREK are in the back row sitting side by side.

TEACHER:
...And that's how the metric system works.

JOSH:
(to Derek)
Dude, did you check out RAW last night? The Undertaker crucified Stone Cold!

DEREK:
**** I missed it. I was doing homework.

JOSH:
(loud)
****!!

TEACHER:
What did you say Mr. Jarvis?

JOSH:
Sorry Mr. Cannib. I forgot to do my homework.

MR. CANNIB:
Josh, Derek, outside!

LATE 20'S DEREK:
(OS)
The old man had taken kids out of the classroom before and they always came back with tears in their eyes. As we walked outside I heard a familiar voice.

JERRY:
(OS)
If he touches either of you, kick him in the nuts!

MR. CANNIB:
I told you boys too many times! None of this **** in my classroom! Josh get over here you little *****!

OL' TEACH GRABS JOSH by the NECK.

DEREK:
Hey ******* keep your hands to yourself!

CANNIB begins to throttle JOSH. DEREK pushes him off of JOSH and KICKS the TEACHER in the nuts with FURY about 3 times and jumps on top of him while JOSH watches holding his neck.

JERRY:
(OS) While we see Derek's mouth moving

Look here, *******. You think you can be called a teacher for drinking on a farm, ******* cattle and beating children so you can have Summer vacation every year? *******, you spiteful sad man.

DEREK SPITS in the *******'S face and begins to PUNCH him when JOSH pulls him off.

JOSH:
Dude, the door outta here is right there. Lets go to our lockers, get our **** and get outta here.

DEREK:
(Breathing heavily)
Did I just do that? What the ****? Let's get out of here...now!

                                                    ­                                                                 ­                                           CUT TO:
9. EXT. Taft Elementary
A bunch of playground equipment next to an alley with a fenced in field. JOSH and DEREK are walking down the alley. It is sunny outside but about to rain.

DEREK:
That wasn't me that did that.

JOSH:
If it wasn't you who was it?

DEREK:
It w...

JOSH:
(Interrupting)
It reall
The cut-away gene
The one that allows you to cut away from a scene
To enter into any dream.
That cut-away gene.

We all have one and none are free
The gene allows us to be
It and me.
Do you see how it works?
How it lurks in the corners of the corners where you stand
And cuts away a tiny portion of each day
Until the day is gone.

I long for the moment when I pass away in the cut-away scene
Of the cut-away gene.
Will it seem so de-regulation
To cut away the strings that bind me to this station
And to float?

Could I cut away these scenes that come haunting me within my dreams
Is that what the cut-away genes are for?
Would I dig away until I'm sore
Until I reach the very core of this existence?
And should I,in my persistence cut away too much
Would I touch the heavens with my mind?
This is a kind of madness that I see
When all around,none are free
And we are the genetic bought and sold
Another kind of gold.

The cut-away gene will outlive me
And see much more than I could hope to see
But whether it can remember or not is the question that I've got
Does it have soul?
What is its goal?
Can we ever be sure that the cut-away gene is truly pure
Or a hybrid?
A get rich trick?
A gene so sick it makes me sick and quick let's run
The cut-away cuts away the sun and we are blind
Another kind of nightmare scene
Dream
Within the night of the cut-away gene.
NitaAnn Aug 2013
Today…my 6 month SI hiatus came to an end, and the clock had to be reset.

Some nights the pain overwhelms me and I do not know what to do with it. It suffocates me and traps me and I cannot find a way out of it. Nothing feels safe and nothing brings comfort. I shake and cry and try to quiet the angry scared screaming voices inside of me – but I cannot escape the brokenness.

That happened to me this afternoon. I locked myself in the bathroom and at first I tried to talk quietly to those inside as I rocked myself in an effort to soothe them. But it didn’t work and so I tried to call a friend, she didn’t answer. So I tried to call the therapist, he didn’t answer but he did return my call an hour later. In the chaos of my mind I did not hear the phone ring, but I did get a voicemail from him. In his voicemail he said, “ I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. If you feel the need to give me a call back I’ll be in the office until 3:30. I do ask that if you call me back I do want to know not just what the problem is but the things you’re trying to do to at least tolerate whatever’s going on...so we need to have a constructive conversation. If all is alright, that’s fine too - you don’t have to call me back, but if you do, bear that information in mind and we’ll talk later.”

The therapist’s voicemail made me feel like a failure. Obviously he didn’t think I had tried to self-soothe and just expected him to fix everything. I felt angry and ashamed and I did not call him back. I took a razor and I cut myself instead. I cut myself because I could not limit my exposure to the chaos inside my mind. It hurt so bad I tried to cut it out of me. I cut myself because it felt like the only option left for me. My body was shaking so bad I could not escape. I wanted someone to help me calm them, calm myself, but I felt like a failure for reaching out because I couldn’t do it on my own. And I shouldn’t have relied on someone else to help me. And so I cut myself.

And I now I am soo tired. I feel even more ashamed and I really just want to stop breathing – I want it to stop – I am afraid I will cut again because I am now constantly thinking about it. I have broken the seal on the dam.

I marked the calendar with a big red “S” for shame and I started the clock at zero. Six months of SI free is now gone. I touch the scab of shame and I chide myself for giving in, for giving up.  I feel even more ashamed because now I have to face what I did in front of the therapist. I tried, nothing else was working. I was not able to limit my exposure. I was drowning in the poison and I had to cut- and cut big. And now I have to wait for the incision to heal – and hope I haven’t made everything worse.
Wandisa Zwane Oct 2015
Written by

Wandisa Zwane  


April 16, 2015



INT.  APT 3101 - THE BEDROOM  

It's 02:31 am and I find myself laying silently on my bed scrolling through Instagram...Twitter...Tumblr....and Snapchat. I find myself struggling to go to sleep.  I wasn't even able to sleep for an hour or two. It's not normal as its way past my curfew. I receive a text message. I'm confused because it's
still too early for anyone to be texting me, and I know everyone nearby is fast asleep because we have school. So who could be texting me?

CUT TO: PHONE SCREEN

HER ( via text )

I'm struggling with the math homework, help ? Are you up ?

ME ( via text )

I am actually. FaceTime, call or text?

20 minutes later my phone starts ringing. She was FaceTiming me. I stare at her name for about 5 seconds trying to put myself together.

ME

Hello, Ellie

I wasn't focused on the math. I was hoping that we could forget about the math and just talk about us and the futility of life. For some stupid reason I really thought you were gonna say something cheesy like I can't get you out of my head but can we just talk until we fall in love? But no it never happened as we had an hour long conversation about math.

CUE " MATH CONVERSATION"

The futility in that conversation was cosmic to the point where I began questioning existence. But when the call finally ended I was disappointed.

CUT TO: VARSITY

It's 8am and I'm at sitting in English tired and drained. Still contemplating about the futility of life.

HER

Hey, Tyler thanks for helping me with the math homework.

ME

Uhm Ellie do you want to come over too my apartment over the weekend and chill ?

CUT TO: APARTMENT 3101

It's 12am and the apartment is really untidy. I jump out of bed and clean the entire apartment in a record time of 12 minutes and 44 seconds. I'm going crazy over here as I'm trying to remember if I gave her the correct directions. Thank god I gave her the correct directions as I see the uber pulling up in front of the apartment complex. I start sweating and shaking and I'm fearful that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I start cringing.
I open the door the door and it's her standing directly in front of me. I can't breathe. I'm overwhelmed by an awe of emotions. Literally - she's beautiful

ME

I mumbled - Hey Ellie it's so good to see you ( the hug was very awkward because I was nervous - it was one of those hugs where both people don't know how to hug each which makes things really awkward)

HER

Hi


ME

So glad you could make it. How was the drive ( note to self: I should stop making things awkward ) I'm so irritated at myself.

CUT TO:  APARTMENT 3101 - LIVING ROOM

She's sitting on the couch. And I'm sitting right next to her. Okay let's just say there was a 30cm gap between the both of us. I was really nervous. I found myself drinking gallons of water. I forgot to offer her anything. I was nervous to the point where I couldn't even make eye contact. I just stared at her forehead and her lips.

ME

Aren't you exhausted I mean that drive was really long ( she lived like 3 blocks away from me )

HER

Not really , I'm just really stressed about varsity and stuff I guess.

We actually start conversing with one another for 5 hours straight.We smoke about 3 cigarettes and have the most fruitful conversation ever about female energy and the power of the the heart. She's really enlightened - I thought she was really basic. We both can't go to sleep because we're actually  enjoying the presence of one another. It was cathartic and refreshing actually.

ME

Want go up to the roof and look at the universe?

HER

I'd love too.

CUT TO : COMPLEX ROOF

I brought a blanket up to the roof cause I thought it was cold. It wasn't but we just layed down underneath the open night sky and gazed into the stars. We connected with the universe/ourselves/each other. It was bliss. We ended up falling asleep on top of the roof. To my amazement we were silently wrapped around each other.

CUT TO: APARTMENT 3101 - THE KITCHEN

HER

( chuckling )
How'd you sleep

ME

( Smiling )
I slept pretty well.

ME

Do you have any plans for today?

HER

YES actually...

SEVERAL HOURS LATER: APARTMENT 3101 - KITCHEN/BEDROOM AND LIVING ROOM

The sun is setting and she still hasn't packed her bags.

ME

When are you leaving?

She said she was leaving on Sunday

HER

In 30.

ME

(I tried to not crack in front of her)
Cool.


APARTMENT 3101

About 2 weeks later she surprisingly pitches at my door with her luggage.

HER
I'm moving in with you!

I was excited at the fact that she was moving in with me but I obviously tried acting cool and composed.

CUT TO: WOLVES CAFE

As they're sitting there talking to each other about their families, Osho and meditation over a cup of tea.

ME

I was adopted.

HER

WOW - That's a huge plot twist.

She sat there speechless for about 2 minutes trying to fathom the knowledge I just presented to her.

HER

So do you ever think about your real parents?

ME

All the time - they both died in a car accident when I was 3.

HER

I'm so sorry.

ME

It's okay - I mean I know they're somewhere out there in the universe checking up on me. I speak to them when I feel lonely.

Enough about my tragic past..How are your parents?

I've never told any other soul about my parents before. She was the first person I ever told .

HER

I never knew my dad but my mom has been living with a brain tumour for like 2 years now.

ME

Wow. That's must've been so tough for you when you found out about it.

HER

It was. I went through the most vicious cycle of depression for an entire year. But I'm trying to make most of the time I have left with her.

ME

How much time do you have left to see her her and stuff ?

HER

(She starts tearing up)
3 months

CUT TO: APARTMENT 3101 - LIVING ROOM

I'm still fascinated by the fact that she's into Osho, existentialism, metaphysics and epistemology. But I also felt like our relationship had escalated so quickly. We're we rushing things? The relationship felt like it was moving at the speed of light.

ME

Do you feel like we're moving too fast ?

HER

There's no such thing, if it's meant to be it will be, whether fast or slow as long as it's true, it will last as long as you want it to.

I was momentarily tongue-tied as I was trying to digest the words she just said.

ME

......

(Still voiceless)

She still had a lot more to say after that

CUES : "rants"

But in that entire rant she said something that echoed within me.

HER

YOU KNOW I MAKE YOU HAPPY

After she said this I felt like fainting. So not only did she make me voiceless I was overwhelmed by an ocean of indescribable emotions- wow

DAYS LATER: APARTMENT 3101 - KITCHEN

I'd finally recovered from those powerful words she preached to me. So I found myself sitting in the kitchen trying to write a letter to her about how I really felt. I wasn't the best at expressing my emotions through writing but I gave it a shot.

ME

Love is the unforetold explanation for creation. Love is life. It's the merger of minds. The marriage of minds. It transcends through time, it's timeless. It takes you into a dimension filled with possibilities and opportunities. It helps you understand you are that you are not worthless. Every time I am with you I understand we are here for a reason. And every time I stare into your eyes. I realise that you are mine.  

I sealed it an envelope and put it on the kitchen counter.

LATER ON THAT DAY:

She opens the letter and starts crying.

CUT TO: THE TREEHOUSE

I introduce her to some of the guys in the treehouse. They welcomed her to the treehouse with open arms.

HER

So what do you guys do in the treehouse?

PAUL : (one of the guys part of the treehouse)

Well in the treehouse we just try to expand. We write, make music, poetry, nothing much really.

MCDONALDS DRIVE- THRU

She was to lazy to go home and cook supper she was s bit hypocritical cause she said we should stop buying junk food. So we decided to go to McDonald's. We were down to our last packet of 2 minute noodles anyway.


CUT TO: HOSPITAL

We went to visit her mother. She introduced me but there was no warmth in the hug we shared. I could feel her shrill body disintegrating. She was really cold. You could see she was dying.

HER

How've you been mom ?

MOM

She couldn't even speak properly. It was sad but when she eventually managed to responded to Ellie's question.

MOM

I'm still fighting but I don't know if I can do this for much longer.

HER

No mum you can't leave me.

MOM

I don't want to make you empty promises my child.

Who's this handsome young man Ellie?

HER

(Smiling heavily)
It's Tyler, my boyfriend

She just called me her boyfriend in front of her mom. She just put a label on our relationship. I thought it was completely platonic.

ME

Afternoon Mam. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

I knew her name ( Stacy )  but in that moment I felt like a child in primary school - so I decided to be respectful and call her mam. I wasn't sure whether or not I should call her "Ellie's mom" or Stacy. It was just a tricky situation. So I opted for mam.

MOM

( smiling )
The pleasure is all mine Tyler.

She told me to come closer to her cause she wanted to whisper something into my ear.

MOM

Tyler I'm clearly dying as you can see. So I'm leaving with you an important task of ensuring that's my daughter remains happy at all times.Take care of her for me - please

ME

I'll take care of her - she's in safe hands.

MOM

That's the spirit Tyler. Can you give us a moment please Tyler.

HER

Just go down to the kiosk and get me a bottle of distilled water. Please.

(Tyler leaves the room)

MOM

I remember the first time you wrapped your tiny hand around my index finger , you had my soul laying on 3 cms of palm.

( Ellie interrupts )

HER

Mom don't do this , prolonging life is pure idiocy.

(she smiles as a tear rolls down her cheek )

Die so your soul can have its summer ,don't worry about my pain cause I'm really happy for you, your soul can finally taste true liberation, see my tears as autumn leaves falling from trees , I'm naked and all I can show you is the truest forms of love.

MOM

You're so beautiful because you're so true. Our connection has no equation my daughter, as I leave my body just know that my time with you transcends forever.

HER

Mother it's time for you to leave. Take a piece of my happiness, it's futile anyway and I have it in abundance but I shall be lost without you in body, I shall be found when I'm with you in soul.

MOM

Clarity comes with the last breath, as hatred and love become nothing, you are nothing and everything all at once, I'm happy for you have given it to me, tomorrow and yesterday no longer matter

(her heart stops beating and her souls goes home - heart rate monitor indicates her mom has just flat lined)

Ellie starts screaming. The nurses and doctors come sprinting in.


DOCTOR

NUURSE HAND ME THE DEFIBRILLATOR !!

HER

(in agonising pain and disbelief that her mother is dead she starts screaming)

SAVE MY MUM, PLEASE SHE CANT LEAVE ME !! YOU CANT LET HER DIE.

DOCTOR

Nurse get her out of here.

She's kicking and shoving the other nurses as she is being escorted out the room.

NURSE

Don't worry the doctors are doing all they can to save her.

Tyler comes back from the kiosk with the distilled water to find Ellie on the floor crying.

ME

What's wrong?

HER

( Her face goes pale )
She's gone ....

2 DAYS LATER: BACK AT 3101

Ellie has locked herself in my/our room. We haven't spoken to each other for like 2 weeks.

She finally decides to come out of the room.

HER

(Breaks down, again  )
It's her birthday today.

I've never seen her so broken and disfigured before. She's in pieces - distorted.

NARRATOR

Death is the door between two lives; one is left behind, one is waiting ahead. Death is the ultimate experience of this life - Osho

“Birth leads to death, death precedes birth. So if you want to see life as it really is, it is rounded on both the sides by death. Death is the beginning and death is again the end, and life is just the illusion in between. You feel alive between two deaths; the passage joining one death to another you call life. Buddha says this is not life. This life is dukkha – misery. This life is death"

HER

I WONT CRUMBLE - IM A BIG GIRL NOW. MOMMA RAISED ME TO BE A STRONG WOMAN SO IM GONNA DO THAT.

She put up this facade as if nothing ever happened. She didn't allow herself to mourn the death of her mother. She was apathetic for the next 2 weeks.

This  was a tricky phase because she either woke up angry or sad. She just rampaged through the house, didn't attend lectures - she just left a trail of destruction wherever she went. I even have the scars to prove it.

A FEW WEEKS LATER: THE DEATH ORDEAL IS FINALLY OVER

She gained about 5 kilograms in that entire period. She just kept on stuffing her face with ice cream and chocolates

HER

Tyler thanks for being there in my moment of absolute depression.

ME

I thought you were never going to be able to get yourself out of that dark abyss you were trapped in.

AT THE BEACH

The sun is setting and the couple is walking along the sand enjoying each other's company.

ME

I've got something for you Ellie

( I hope she likes it )

HER

Yes?

ME

Close your eyes

(Takes out a heart shaped pediment from back pocket  and places it around her neck )

You can open your eyes now.

HER

(Smiling)
It's lovely, thank you

ME

(Smiling back)
I'm giving you my heart but not my soul.

HER

(Blushes)

ME

(In my head)
I'm giving her my heart she better not break it.

Have you ever had that feeling before in a relationship where you think you love the other person more than they love you. To the point where you'd even get their names tattooed onto your chest. Cause that's how I feel right now.

IN THE CAR:


I'm driving Ellie to the airport. OR Tambo in fact. I'm playing some Jamie ** but I quickly change it and play my favourite song Female Energy.

CUE "FEMALE ENERGY"

ME

You excited?

HER

Yes I'm really really excited for this.

ME

I'm really gonna miss you

HER

Me too.

Ellie was completing her mothers bucket list - so she had had to travel all the way to Tibet and learn Buddhism. Nothing much really she was leaving  for 2 months.


But little did Tyler know that this was going to be the last time he sees Ellie because her plane never landed in Tibet - the plane crashed and it sunk with no no one  surviving.

STILL IN THE CAR:

Ellie hands Tyler a letter

HER

Tyler please don't open this until you get home.

ME

(Smiling)
I'll try my best.


Car parks at drop and go zone at the airport. Tyler takes out Ellie's bag from the boot.

They hug and kiss

Ellie cries.

CUT TO : "APT 3101 - LIVING ROOM "

Tyler opens the letter.

CUE "ELLIES VOICE AND ON OUR SWEATERS "


It's funny how for someone who has been so used to being lonely, the second I grip onto something that seems real, my biggest fear is losing that grip - even though for the longest time ever I've become immune to the feeling of loneliness. The same way people become dependent on other beings, people can become dependent on loneliness too - you become immune to self reassurance, your insecurities, your vulnerability and after a while it seems ideal and okay, but only because it's all you've got. You allow yourself to be consumed by this self indulgent energy making you think you don't need anybody because how else do you get by when you know that you have nobody. So when someone comes creeping in through the front door, with nothing but good intentions - you shut them out because you've lost sight of the difference in the realness of someone coming through the front door and the fakeness of someone coming through the backdoor. I struggle to fathom your presence because I didn't see you coming, through any door, you were just always there in plain sight. I don't know how to describe what I feel when I'm around you because I have never felt anything like it. All I know is that it leaves me in a place
An incomplete screenplay.
NitaAnn May 2014
Anger
Frustration
Scared
Lonely
Afraid
Hatred
Loathing**
So with these thoughts fueling my actions,
I make the conscious decision to punish my body.
I feel as though I deserve this treatment.
I cut to scar my body.
I cut to release emotions I had no valve for.
I have no words or outlet for them yet.
I cut to make myself feel better; to alleviate those feelings of hatred.
Cutting is such an enigma for me.
I do it as a punishment, for being weak and "allowing" myself to be abused...
But at the same time, the feeling I get from doing it is strength.
I look at the cuts and think, *"Wow. I was able to endure that. I am strong."
SteffyWeffy Aug 2016
I use different tools to harm myself.
Wrists are my favorite place to cut.
He told me he knows I cut often.
I tried cutting my stomach it’s easier to hide the cuts.
I’m tired of wearing long sleeves in the summer to hide my cuts on my wrist.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Blood comes out of my wrist.
What a beautiful sight, I could stare at it forever.
I might explore and cut my thighs.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
I need to buy new razors.
My hidden knife is still in the cabinet it’s hidden behind my shampoo bottle.  
I use the knife and then I take a razor and use that.
Razors hurt more, my wrist itches after I cut.
It stings in the shower, if it rains and I just cut it stings then too.
I wanted to stop, I have been addicted for a while now.
Someday I will cut to deep and it will be all over.
No pills.
All I have to do is hit a vein.
Felicia Diana Nov 2014
'Cut, cut, little scratch. I wonder how you got attached. On this skin so red and clear. Like everything could disappear.

When the darkness has fallen on you. When the silence is becoming true. Then you grab your little knife. And cut, cut to come alive.

Then the voices in your head. Were getting silent instead. They did not know what to do. Without that body of you.

In the night sky you lay there. Under the white sheets without air. Forever shutting your eyes, dreaming of yourself in heaven skies.

As you fell asleep and finally got rest. Now they'll know they got your buttons pressed. Though little sister blames it all on herself. Cut, cut, little scratch.'
-- F.D. Prenger.

— The End —