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maya cahill Apr 2020
one cut
two cut
three cut
i watch the blood drip from my wrists to the floor

five cut
six cut
seven cut
the blood flowing and rushing makes me feel faint

nine cut
ten cut
eleven cut
cut for a little then cry some more

thirteen cut
fourteen cut
fifteen cut
the blood is starting to show through my jeans

seventeen cut
eighteen cut
nineteen cut
pain is the only thing i feel

i'm starting to lose track

i've finally decided to end it all and pick up the gun
  Feb 2020 maya cahill
A monster appears
like one from your childhood
An inner battle commences
Between the bad and the good

At first, you'd find them in movies
or under the bed
Now as you grow, you fear
The monsters live in your head

Disguised as shadows in night,
New monsters now appear
These monsters are sneakier,
They know what you fear

Struggling to breathe,
your eyes filled with fear
Trapped, alone, no where to hide
Can't escape, it's far and it's near

This monster is tricky,
It plays tricks on your mind,
You plead for it to stop,
But there's no where to hide

This monster knows you
It makes you question your past
With a bleak outlook,
You wonder how long this might last

The one place you felt safe
Before this monster invaded
Now your mind is no solace
Every good memory faded

How do you run from something
That plays tricks on your mind?
How do you know who you are
When it's yourself you can't find?

How do you feel joy from
things that now trigger pain?
How do you move forward with life
when only fear remains?

We all grow up
It's a natural part of life
No one ever warns us though
That life comes with great strife

No one ever tells us
To be afraid of our thoughts
Feeling lost and alone
With many battles still to be fought

Once this monster invades,
It's hard to get back
To a life once lived,
Before this monster attacked

Our parents warned us of
the bad guys outside
They never told us
of the ones in our minds

And now this monster has control
You no longer recognize the mirror
You pray for this to end,
For prayers fall upon deaf ears

You question your sanity,
You question your morals
This monster knows how to torture
To envelop you in its toil

You know you have a battle ahead
This monster can't defeat
Crippled by the past
You must overcome and beat

This is an illness
This is internal torture
But you mustn't forget
You've got a bright future

You must fight on,
Between this inner war
Good versus evil,
What do you fight for?

Fight for love,
Fight to win back your mind
Fight for family and joy
Fight for what you still must find

Monsters can attack
Anyone, anytime
Lest not judge
For you never know when a monster might prey upon YOUR mind

Author note: end the stigma of mental illness. Talk about it.
maya cahill Jan 2020
my wrists are bleeding and cut
im screaming and begging for help
can't you see all the things im doing to me
i just want to cut and cut and bleed
i dont feel the pain
i just see the red thats seeping through my sleeve
im tired of feeling this way all the time
knowing i’ll never get better
i just miss when i used to feel at my prime
now all i know is emptiness and a never ending lifetime
and feeling like it’ll never get better
i want help, i really do
but i know it won’t stop me from feeling blue
all the happiness that i ever knew
feeling like i’ll never see it through
maya cahill Dec 2019
the trail is endless, the fog is surreally beautiful, calming but unnerving
i’m continuously picking at the barren ground for something that i might recognize
but it all keeps drizzling through my fingers like sand

wait, i found something
i can hold it, but i can’t make it out, it’s too blurry
no, no it's slipping through again
“please don’t leave me. please.” i say, as it slowly changes from solid to goo to gone

i look around me, still trapped in here
the void in front of me ******* me deeper and deeper in
when can i escape?
when will i find my way out?

wait, i think i hear someone calling my name
it’s getting louder and louder, i turn around and around but can’t see anyone
“hello, hello”, i call back
my name is being screamt louder and louder, my ears are beginning to hurt, my vision is darkening
am i leaving now? am i finally going to return?
my body feels like it’s being thrashed around. this pain, it won’t end, why won’t it end?
“i love you.” my eyes flutter open, and my vision is clearing up. in front of me is my mother,
and she’s weeping.
I got lost in my head again.
maya cahill Dec 2019
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maya cahill Dec 2019
when i see you
i look right through your eyes
i get lost in those beautiful brown eyes
i feel like i’ve been lost for days
when you take my hand,
i fall in a different daze
i feel reassured,
i feel your presence always there
when i talk to you,
i cherish every word you say
can we continue ?
will we last forever ?
yes, i know so
our love will go on forever
can you promise me that it will be forever ?
and do it all for the sake of us
i will help you when you are stranded all alone
will you help me ? yes, because that is what we do
and we do it it all for the  sake of us
but i do it mostly because i love you
maya cahill Dec 2019
she watched slowly as her mother came later in the night
and her father no longer came home after work
and her sister sleepover at her friend’s house
and her brother lock himself in his room the thumping of the bass vibrating both their walls
and she saw as no one showed up at their weekly sunday brunches.
or when no one was there for breakfast
and no one showed up for dinner
and she never saw her sister anymore
and when she knocked on her mother’s bedroom door in the morning there was never a response
and she missed it,
she missed sunday brunches with her family and no one missing out because her father was the best cook in their family
and when she baked cookies or a big coconut cake for just the five of them on friday nights,
because the were watching the james bond movies or the lion king series all in one night
and she missed it,
because now on sunday mornings she got takeout from ihop and sat at the table alone
glancing at the clock till it read 1.00 and then she picked up the other four plates and washed the clean plates anyway, and on friday nights she’d bake a cake anyway with no one there to eat it.
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