I am writing this now, in some early morning hour, because sleep evades me.  I’ve been awake so many hours that time itself has little meaning anymore. I quit. There's no other way to put it. I just give up on trusting the human nature, on words, on promises, everything. Promises, once perceived as a sign of trust now erode away into hallow, empty lies that stab at my heart. I believed them. I was actually stupid enough to believe all those sugar coated words about caring, and guiding, and family. It’s all lies now. The soul of my being, everything I know can now be called into question. I can trust no one, everything’s a lie. I'm not sitting here writing some pretty little suicide note. I’m past that. I’ve grown up to see you can’t always take the easy road out and I’d sure feel sorry for the living soul that my black spirit would haunt.
For all you novice readers this can easily be taken as a story of heart-break; in an all-so cliché girl loves boy situation. But for those of you who can read into my words that I am spelling out so bluntly, I apologize; for I am once again telling my little sob story to anyone who willing to listen.
To begin this lovely tale you must know I've always been more comfortable when in the company of guys rather females such as myself. Whether it be the drama soaked lives or the shallow personalities all dressed up in makeup, I'm not sure. But I've always found guy’s emotions to be more reliable than girl’s. But hey, after recent events I'm beginning to question my own judgment; maybe I can really trust no one other than myself. Anyways back on track.
As in most situations of such heart-break and defeat, this tale begins with the typical boy likes girl story. Skipping over all the heart-warming details this relationship ends, like every other. The only difference this tale offers up is that their friendship remains in-tact. Not the awkward I’m-just-saying-this-to-make-breaking-up-easier friendship either. A real one. Time passes, they become best friends, and ah, another problem arises. The boy is unhappy being alone. With this knowledge in mind the girl searches for a mate for her best friend in an attempt to make him feel complete in ways she is unable to. Love. Through searching for a relationship for him, the relationship grows even more and the girl learned to feel safe and secure. Something she hasn’t felt in a long time. This brotherly love shown to her only drives her more to make him happy. Finally a girl is found. With a bit of help this boy and girl fall for each other and the friend, me, watches happily from a distance. The boy is happy. The girl is happy. I am pleased with my actions; I have successfully helped another friend. But hey, remember this is reality. Of course it cannot remain this way.
The boy starts acting different towards me, all obsessed with his love, but I ignore this knowing that all relationships have their puppy-love stages. He promised he wouldn’t abandon me, he promised he wouldn’t hurt me again on purpose. I believed him, but he lied.  Time passes and patterns don’t change. This boy, who I once thought was different in every way, is acting like the rest of society. Losing him. I'm losing another friend. Again, this time is different. I've put so much faith into him, my trust, secrets, dreams, fears…everything. I thought he genuinely cared. I start acting strange around him, he only grows more distant, so I put on a mask and hide my true emotions. He’s happy why ruin that. I don’t want to lose him, I don’t let him see. Time passes. He asks her out. They are happy. He tells me this gleefully and I feel my heart-sink, putting on a mask once more. I can’t do this anymore, he is gone.
I wrap my mind around this and once again taste the bitterness of karma working in reverse. What have I done wrong now? My thoughts expand. What have I ever done? Memories come flashing back, all the similar circumstances, the sting, the pain. I try to breathe but I feel the cold truths stabbing at my heart.
‘Everything is just peachy’.   I hate that phrase, but use in my messages to see if anyone can see I'm not acting myself, see past the mask. They cannot. I vent to two close friends. The first ignores my cries and tells me about her trivial problems and the second proceeds to show his immaturity, for he does not understand my strife. I cut myself off from the world and cry hot burning tears into my pillow, muffling my sounds in the plush.
People only care when they need you. They are kind in their time of need but when their own lives are running smoothly and they no longer need you they leave you. Does anyone ever check to see if you’re okay? Of course not, this is reality.  These revelations are not anyone’s fault. It’s not the boy’s, it’s not the friends’, it’s not the media, it’s not society, or even one definite cause. The only reason this story was told was to set the scene so you understand the premise of the initial spark for these thoughts. These events, that cause such pain, arise from a part of the human nature that I try my hardest to avoid, self-centeredness. Now I don’t mean the self-centered actions you’re thinking of. No. it’s far more complex than the shallow-thirst for popularity. It’s the tendency to worry about one’s own problems and not another’s. When you have all you want why worry about other people? This natural course of human emotions ceases to sicken me, as I now realize I am the victim of such actions. No, I am not some self-praising idiot; I admit that I have hurt others this way in the past. But from my point-of-view I have a pretty compelling case. Everyone just wants to be my friend right? Others call to me in times of need and then abandon me, calling it friendship. In the past I haven’t realized it more or less because there was little bond between myself of these people. After years of repeatedly getting my kind acts thrown back in my face, I choose to give in.
This last series of events has forever changed me, and now my eyes are open. Today I am done trying, and I am giving in to my human nature, becoming a self-centered person, free of everyone else’s burdens. I quit. Open up your eyes and see who you can call your true-friends. See past the illusion. Please, wake up, your dreaming again. But see, I don’t have the ability to dream, for I was always awake.

River running..

That rushing sound in these parts
spell out the words, crystal-clear..
Tree-lined banks, giving way
to the Dark Hills,  upslope

Giving way,  to
granite-rocked outcroppings
giving way to  elk-hidden quakeys
Surrendering their holy-huddle's
pristine stances
to tall  prairie-grass, waving
wild raspberries  and tall pines

    And I,  myself.. 
    am surrendering also
She is watching the water, believing
That as it flows,
she will not lose herself in it
That it will not steal,  but heal

That I will not  rage again
within my fear

I am watching her,
watch the water
I am watching the water--  believing
That as I give  of myself
further  into the flow

that I will not become  diffused
by humanity
By the love  of man
and all  of its dishonesty

and all  of its  diabolical treachery

Of its  lack of concern,
or understanding
Or ability to break through
its own,  self-centeredness

Or its need  to swallow me up
    into the mundane.
Her hands are in the air now,
praising..

Worshipping
the true nature  of the flow,
Believing..
that I will let all of this, go
And as she  wades in
I ease, back--

Retreating
up the Dark Hills, *****
Clutching tightly..
To granite-rocked outcroppings,
  weeping.

Hiding in the quakeys,
among the majestic elk
Begging for the tallgrass, cover
among the wild raspberries.
   Now, fully concealed
   in  tall pines.

Her hands
are stretched out,  now..
as if hovering  over the waters,
participating

While I hide  from it all

While I hide,  from humanity;
From the fallen,  love of man

    She is wading in,
    Believing
.    
As I am leaving;
Believing

    As the cloud-hidden sky,
    starts raining--

playing the most incredible, of tunes.

Even the most devout Christians
accept that Jesus was a guy
guys get ***** as do gals.

Yes, all of us have a creator in us
starlight
life-creating energy
poetry
and prose.

Maybe Jesus didn’t have the kind of darkness in him
that we have
the kind of drag
of pride and self-centeredness
that I have,
but by God!
he was faced with the same choices
between fidelity and desire
between horniness and selfless love.

Yep I fail in ways he did not
but he failed to get rid of lust just like I do
he failed to avoid selfish desires.
Of course, I act on them
and ***** up in ways he did not.
But do you think he didn’t feel ******* up at times?
Of course he did.

All of this humanity
is what makes me like him.
Jesus was a guy.
That he was more
is what makes me love him.

Living is often like drowning, and sleeping like flying,
So bridges and tall buildings always tempt me.
When I talk about death I feel brave.
I've always hated how recognition can so easily turn into pride.
They say pride comes before the fall,
But I believe that various kinds of self-centeredness are the origin of all unholy descents.
I remind myself that I shouldn't take my life because I didn't give it,
And my heart continues to beat on its own.
Blood doesn't stain crimson red,
It darkens and crusts on the skin.
Everything that is dead becomes only a memory,
Then it disintegrates and washes away, eventually becoming nothing.
I can’t remember anything from before I had the ability to reason,
So when did I come alive?
I wonder if all people valued beauty,
Would there be peace?
Because I sometimes wonder whether Neil Armstrong meant to say what he did as took his first step on the moon.
I think trying is as valuable as doing,
But justification is a dangerous tool.
I am cautious of failure and success;
But count this as my eulogy
A list of things that I am going to say before my untimely death.
*I recognized the world for the canvas it was and I didn't waste my life.
My dreams were my motivation,
And they were fueled by those that underestimated me
I walked streets day and night and prayed that I would somehow run into the girl of my dreams,
and when I finally found my missing rib I looked at her like she was a piece of art that I just couldn't keep my eyes off of.
I suffered and I found its nectar bitter-sweet.
I didn't get the best of life, but then I made the best of life.
I never stopped caring,
my love for the unlovable made me daring.
I trusted too easily so I was always broken.
I always found things to love, but they never loved me,
But despite it, I still loved, hard, even though it hurt me.
I couldn't comfort because I had never been comforted.
After a lifetime of battling myself, I finally took off my crown of thorns.
I didn't let the past get the best of me,
I gave the future all of me.
I hated animosity,
War was despicable to me,
And I always preached peace.
I prayed constantly that my efforts would not be in vain.
I never actually could stop sinning,  but despite my ugly sins, I never stopped straining.
I was not perfect, but I did the best I could.
I never ceased to hear the music.
I still played, even when I felt like I was playing solo, I still played my part in this symphony of life.
My eyes were aimed at the director, and we played through the storm,
We played even when all hell was against us,
We played, and played, and played
Until eternity came through.....

The foundation of selfishness
Has much to do with wanting and desiring
And places a heavy focus on
Thoughts of obtaining and acquiring.

The instinctive ego takes control
And motivations become self-centered.
We're often heedless and unaware
Of the shadowy place that we have entered.

Naturally, self-centeredness
Colors what we think and do;
But NOT wanting and NOT desiring,
On the other hand, can be selfish, too.

Wanting: selfish? Not wanting: selfish?
How--we might ask--does that make sense?
NOT wanting may substantiate
Our way of life at others' expense:

Not wanting others to share the same freedoms;
Not wanting others to have the same rights;
Being silent when seeing injustice;
Ignoring people's struggles and plights;

Not acknowledging the efforts of others;
Not desiring to work toward peace;
Not wanting to know oneself;
Not caring if hatreds cease;

Being indifferent to the happiness of others;
Not allowing others to progress;
Not wanting to know how to fix
Our planet once we've made a huge mess.

NOT wanting in many ways
Speaks as loudly as word or deed,
And we become helpless victims
Of our sad and varying levels of greed.

What motivates us really?
Do we know, or do we care?
Is it safer NOT to know?
It might seem so, but beware.

- by Bob B

Love.


I grew up in what I later had labelled for me as “une famille anglaise typique” which consisted of me, my brother and my parents. It was as typically happy as those typical families that can be found in typical children’s books and children’s imaginations. We were that ‘close-knit family unit’ type family and we fitted perfectly into that ‘ideal family home’ of our typical red-brick English terraced house. It was one hundred years old but felt older and we went to church on Sundays. We were boring, safe, long-skirted.


We loved each other with the sort of love attributed to our type of nuclear state and I’ve always found it both funny and convenient that nuclear is a word for both bombs and families. Like the people who thought things up had wanted to draw our attention to how we were a touch away from detonation and a mere countdown from demolition.


Mummy blew me full of buck-shots; her Love was fired in rounds. Each cartridge of anger settled deep but left only pleasant traces behind. They lodged beneath my skin, etched with Protection and Compassion and Parenting, and those words bled internally into my immune system so that I knew how to identify hatred and remove the threat of it from my body.


Love.


If you’d asked me of Love I would have said that Daddy rubbed it through my hair when he said “Goodnight” so that it crept through my dreams when I slept. I would have told you how I’d clung to the fence of the infants’ playground until my brother had come to tell me that it was OK to let go. I suppose I might have said that it was an underrated ingredient in Mummy’s baking that she kept in a cupboard all by itself.


I would have passed you as many clichés as you could bear to take and I would have delivered them all in the half-smiling manner of a typical intelligent six-year-old girl.


Love.


We don’t sell clichés anymore. The business of Happy Family Stereotypes fell flat and we bailed out of the sinking ship in divers’ gear that only made us sink faster. Mum forgot to restock her shelf of ingredients and the time for Typical skidded through our fingers like shopping lists and childhood.


It’s not that we no longer lace our shoes with the same strings; only that the strings have been forced to fray and have shortened themselves with knots. It’s not that we don’t continue to Love each other but that we ceased to remember to love ourselves and, when we did that, there was somehow less Love to go round. What should have been an excess curdled and I watched it rise like water vapour from hedges after a frost.


On all of our To Do lists we manage to exclude the most important detail: Love Yourself. If we were to remember the task’s existence then we’d procrastinate a bit until something easier came around. We overlook ourselves and yet people still say that we humans are selfish creatures.



Too selfish to Love ourselves?


It’s not simply that self-deprecation is in fashion (although it is) or merely because we want to draw pity from those who spectate our lives (although we do) because it is with utmost sincerity that my friend and I agree that “if I was my friend, I’d loath me.”


We sit in town on benches by the fountain that sometimes forgets to spout water and rinse out the colours of our lives in the summer rain.


She says;


“Sometimes I’m scared that my friends don’t like me, because I can only ever see myself as annoying.”


I say;


“That isn’t a 'Sometimes' thing, Evelyn.”


Love.


It’s such a difficult thing to hold onto; like an idea or an aftertaste.


She laughs like I was cracking jokes on the paving slabs and says;


“Do you think we’ll ever grow up?”


And I ponder it because I know we’ll grow old but that’s not really the same thing at all. I wonder if I’ll ever grow out of my petulance and fantasies and idiocies and excuses.


“Not really. I don’t want to, to be honest.” To be honest; I say it like I'm the sort of person who wears truths around their neck and invites others to borrow them.


“Me neither. Everyone wants to fast-forward to Prom and then hold time there like, like, I dunno - like they would hold someone’s hand.”


“I don’t.” How relieving it is to confess that I have no interest in the event that 'you just have' to Love.


“Me neither.”


“It’s just an awkward excuse for dressing up and then standing around, pretending to look pretty.”


“You going with anyone?”


“Of course I’m not,” I laugh and hope that she isn’t either so that we can carry on being two lonely, ignorant, inexperienced best friends who’ve never tasted kisses and who have no concept of the term voluptuous. Boys don't fancy girls with flat-chests and freckles.


“You should go with Aidan.”


“Why, because we’re both as short as each other?”


Love.


I laugh at her suggestion even though I know how stepped-on I’ll feel when he arrives at Prom with a tie in a shade that fits my dress and an arm around another girl.


When I was nine, I followed an instruction manual for making a Secrets Box and the first secret I squirreled away was his name. I wrote it on a piece of paper and punched love hearts into it with red pen.


Love.


These days we’ve taken to exchanging banter in Tutor or Maths and I always make sure that I never make anything that’s too much like eye contact in case of humiliation. I busy myself with the fear that, if he looked at me too closely, he’d realise that I was staring back at him with my nine-year-old self. He’d recognise in my face that I still have the secrets box, empty of all but his name, and although I don’t quite believe that I’m in love with him I know that I smile inside when we have good conversations. I know that if he asks me to Prom, I’ll say yes and not just because he is the only boy with whom I am on eye-level.


Love.


“It’d be cute,” she says and I lean away, holding up my hands as a protest and a shield.


“God no.”


And here I go, hating myself again because I have absolutely no intention of ever telling her that I keep my heart like a secrets box. I confide enough in her to say that I don’t care for myself but starve myself of honesty when it comes to caring for someone else. For which, in turn, I procrastinate on the task of self-centeredness a little longer.


Love.


I don’t know much about Love. I know that there are four types – Philia, Storge, Eros, Agape – but who could say where exactly they filter into my life? I know that I ‘love’ beaches, I ‘love’ Rolos, I ‘love’ pencil sharpenings and the smell of good books but the truth is that, when it comes to Love, I'm a sherbet love heart that's been left to dissolve in a glass-jar ocean. I'm a Cadbury's Dream that chose to melt itself out. I’m a strawberry lace that someone likes to chew the end of.

I am making a wall that is so much
I cant break it down, on my own
this is my mistake and I cant change it
I tried my best to tear this apart
but my best is so worse

Ive been hopeless, no where else to go
Is there an open door for me to go in?
Take this ways, Im so vulnerable
When I am alone and with the crowd
I end up with tears at night
And praying facedown to the floor

This heart is always thinking of you
In my dreams, you are there
Sometimes you are annoyed of me
Just like in reality
And it breaks my heart
I woke and I ask myself

Why are you so selfish?
You are always thinking of that
Many people were telling you to stop
but are you listening to them?
This will carry you to great deliverance

Its been too long since Ive been here
Im so anxious of the future
So curious that never wanted to lose my affection
Because of this self-centeredness of myself
I cant talk with you personally
My tongue never produced a word
There is no victory in my way
It condemns me day after day

My time was consumed by this feeling
I thought that this is over
but as I walk towards holiness
Its getting so hard and heavy
I cant defeat this fiery ordeals

They are everywhere
I can sense there presence
God, you know my heart
If this is love
Teach me how to prepare
If this is not the thing that You suppose to be with me
Let the root of this infatuation vanish
Let it sink into the ocean floor
Or bury it into the ground
So that I will never put to shame

Feel the force of the broken ones
Blindly lashing at the branches
Afraid to strike the root and see
The end to their negative solidarity

Streets seethe under daylight’s pressure:
The negative solidarity movement marches forth.
But I remember as I stand here watching on,
That they say the night is always darkest before the dawn.

In fear the masses converge
Under banners devoid of vision,
Understanding,
And love.
No light of freedom glints in eyes
That look for solutions from above:

“The state will cure the sickness
of self-centeredness,
Greed,
And Lust,
It will bring the order to our lives
Our cities,
Our nation,
Our trust.”

But the state can protect us only
From the violence we cause each other
Its touch never brings the love we crave
From every man as our brother.

It cements its rule with force’s power
That in love’s absence, projects a veneer
Of a nation’s people bound together
Though, in fact, they’re bound by fear.

The state’s hand touches where we’ve succumbed
To the blind hatred that keeps us enchained
To our selfishness that preys on others
And acts on lies we’ve entertained.

The state lets us live with the sad folly
Of not looking our fellow man in the eyes
And knowing his pain, troubles and joy
While living with him every day of our lives.

I dream one day we’ll realize the truth
That our nation was not of fiat born
But birthed by freedom’s present light
From which the state has had us torn.

I dream one day we’ll see the truth
That love and freedom must lead the fight
Against state slavery and its chains
But ’till then we march:
Left, right,
Left, right,
Left, right.

When I am in my Dark Before Dawn,
Believing my falsehood that I am a Failure
Listening as Angels Fall, Breaking the Silence;
The sound is Hollow yet it brings me Close to Heaven.
Bury Me Alive is no longer my mantra;
Never Again shall The Great Divide form like this.
I taste the Ashes of Eden clinging to my lips, I remember that I am not forever Defeated.

Yet I am living in Dear Agony,
Feeling like I'm going to slowly Fade Away.
I realize that I Will not Bow to these demons,
I will Crawl as long as you Give Me a Sign.
Then I realise that it's all Hopeless when I,
Discover What Lies Beneath.
I solemnly sing out, in a whisper, the Anthem of the Angels.
I can comprehend it's Lights Out in my mind,
Screaming out Dear Agony out Into the Nothing because I am Without You...

Did I ever tell you about my Phobia?
I got it while I was reading The Diary of Jane,
It took my Breath away when she wrote she loves You.
So I fell like an Evil Angel,
Swearing to hate you Until the End.
With my self-centeredness I daftly decided I should Dance With the Devil at a ******* bar.
But... Here We Are again; I'm an Unknown Soldier and you've Had Enough.
Once again, You Fight Me.

Remember that We Are not Alone.
I've felt desperate, So Cold,
When it's just a Simple Design I should Follow.
You are my Firefly as you catch me. You Break My Fall and I won't Forget It.
But Sooner or Later I'm going to Breakdown,
Slipping Away because I can't Believe.
So watch me fall like *Rain.

My heart scares you away
At least that's what I tell myself
It's not my lack of affection
Or my self centeredness
My heart
It scares you away.

Cloud sandwich
After a long day flying
Invited to this rock to rest
Did you call it Earth?

I've Slid like silk between strata
The Light Steed's earnest breath
Is north of near, between the crests
Of here and there

Guided by centeredness
Engaged to peace
The Golden Fleece of allowance
lets it Be
                          
Angel cradled mind release
Eyebrow mountains, the crystal creek
Flowing forth The Creator speaks,
"Drink deeply child, be filled.”

Yes, I can stick around for some stellar tea
And a light shake
Cloud sandwiched, I'll give you
Tours of the galaxy.

World will end this new year, like so many before it,
With people trying to better themselves in meager ways,
So they can achieve them. That’s no way to go about resolution.
Thinking that the whole world will be washed and turn over
A new leaf, the world will be the same place, and by your
Viewpoint of this, that could be good or a horrible thing.

“Looking” at things with every sense is the only way to grasp.

The world will still have war, death, disease, violence, hat…
The world will also still have peace, life, health, helping, love….
The world won’t be this shiny new place, but for those that
Achieve miraculous goals, whether resolutions, or out of the
Moment. Then those are the shiny bits of history for us.

They’re only heroes if they deny that they are heroes.

The world will end with people conflicted with themselves
And others. But hopefully content with that conflictedness.
Don’t idolize others and try to become them, create your
Own idolization, not self-centeredness. Create your own view.
Create your own culture and society. Create yourself.
Do what you want, as long as it doesn’t hurt yourself or others.

You’re you for the rest of your life, so you might want to…

O Lord, I continue to ache for Your heart of flesh!
Lovingly chastise me, with regard to improper attitudes;
my spirit will never freely soar in unity with You,
without understanding and a transcendental altitude.

Chasing earthly mirages is a waste of my precious time
and it will never satisfy or quench my unending thirst.
Living a dedicated life of self-gratification and pleasure,
won’t overcome this pain… that’s been repeatedly rehearsed.

Deep within my soul, I embrace Your genuine Love for me.
As a result, unwanted, dead things are compelled to fall away.
Concepts of selfishness, jealousy, discontentment, self-pity,
greed, addiction, and unforgiveness will no longer rule my days.

Lord, teach me to “take up my cross” daily without complaint;
Break the stony hardheartedness that hinders our relationship!
For I crave, the joy and contentment I previously possessed,
which softly undergirds our ongoing and eternal fellowship.

With Your Word hidden in my heart, I walk the “narrow path”,
since sin’s “broad path” leads only to one’s destruction.
Acting ungodly will always be a lost battle of the soul;
therefore, I cling onto Your Salvation and Resurrection…

with a proper mindset and complete surrender to You!
Self-centeredness is unhealthy to my soul’s existence;
therefore, I’m determined to purposely seek oneness with You,
while forgoing the proverbial path… of least resistance.







Author Notes:

Loosely based on:
Ezek 11:19; 1 John 3:9-14; 2 Cor 4, 5:17; Rev 3:19;
Phil 3:10, 4:12; Gal 2:20, 6:10, 12-15; 1 Tim 5:6, 6:6-7;
1 Thes 5:15; 1 Cor 13; Mark 8:34; Matt 6:10, 33

Learn more about me and my poetry at:
http://amzn.to/1ffo9YZ

By Joseph J. Breunig 3rd, © 2013, All rights reserved.

i like to tell stories
that bring glory to me
no one i know
is more deservingly

at this moment you think
i am up on myself
but at this moment
isn't everyone else

with self centeredness
being the thought of the day
in the i want it all
and i want it my way

i can honestly say
without skipping a beat
i, me, and mine
are my top favorite three

so listen closely
to the stories i tell
interestingly about me
and nobody else

And shes decided her heart is broken,
Have you decided what the token is
Put the golden medal of sorrow around your neck
As she wanders around town looking for stories to tell about backstabbing and the man is elusive, who accepts her self centeredness
She was never my friend
Has she decided her heart is broken
Has she decided which token to carry

Story of my life....
My criminal offense
I did 2 years in a cage
Got sent away for loving you
I participated and didn't call it off
I was an accomplice to love
I was there for you, with you
Played a part in your love affair
Then you trapped me in your circle of promises
Broken promises

I went to jail for your own sins
Dishonesty, untrustworthy, alcoholism irresponsible, careless, self-centeredness sexist, ungrateful, unapologetic
Should've known better
That **** got me locked up
Got released but am on probation
Had to do a little bit of snitching...introspection
Got lucky, things could've went pear shaped
Pulled myself together now I got to testify
Tell the whole world how you molested my trust
How you emotionally ***** me
How you beat my heart to a pulp
How I couldn't stop you though I tried
I have to confess all of that
Else I am facing a life sentence of abuse, brokenness and loneliness
I have to testify against you
and set myself free from binding chains
So help me God to tell the truth
And finally get to walk away

Sleep does not come easy to me, if at all
Quite often i find myself merely in a stasis
Un-moving, un-thinking, muscles completely still
Dreams came to me often; before
Beautiful machinations of my subconscious would wing their way to the front of my eyes
Images of my once very real fears would mix and mingle with the deepest desires of my heart
The balance of waking mind given reckless abandon within the confines of my mind
Some nights i would see faces of people i have never formally met, but i would look upon them like ive always known them
Other times i would escape the tendrilite grasp of mortal life and i would be swept away into the air on gorgeous white wings; looking with my own eyes down onto the earth
And a few times i would feel, oh so vividly, the touch of a woman
My hands, much like talons, taking her like she was my own
Engorging myself with a rare opportune moment of per self centeredness and greed

However fragile peace may be, it was the last bastion of mortality i had
Fortune would not have it; i would never again have a dream
Sleep was the last to leave me
I cant remember the last time i shut my eyes
I havent a single shred of memory for what it is to awaken
A single notebook is all that remains of my dreams

And reading them has become a small, fleeting task
Something to simply fill time
For each time i do it, it is new
Reading a fraction of my former life is like meeting a stranger
In hopes that maybe the dream i share with all those around me will end
Someday i will wake up, and perhaps then i will die

Maybe when i finally forget everything, all things of what it is to be
Perhaps i will die, and be born again
I can only hope to awaken, to know that things have changed

A heart  
that just wants
to be what it is..
without edit  needed,
to avoid punishment
or worse yet,
counterfeit imitation

So why not we
stoke up
the gaslight  flame
and color it all, empty
or count it all
to that of self gain
nullifying the good
down to that  of
everyday, commonplace
or that  of an every day
self-centeredness..

making
every single bit of this,
un-fixable

It hurts cause I'm well aware

You simply do not have room in your own self centeredness to care

I know, cause I've been there

I'm still there

My emotions in the mirror looking into the past are closer than they appear to be -what is the truth of me- is it what I allow myself to think or is it what I feel and how do I heal my pain body building up at a cellular level doing pushups inside years of experience perceived through tears and mysteriously they linger only in my mind yet are just as real as you and I and are not limited by the illusion of time and there is no rhyme or reason as to why I can't let go so I think it must be my egocentric will that has a death grip and it needs to be killed before the true me turns over my death wish and surrenders to God's Will which wants me to be happy joyous and free having interesting and vital experiences that teach me to see clearly the source of everything is God and that listening to what She is speaking to me through others and showing me in each scene of synchronicity in every single ineffable moment is what sparks the fire in my soul and if I allow myself to go spirituality broke again by trying to regain control by pretending to run the show again the cancer will only grow into more restless irritability and discontentment rendering my true self defenseless of my self-centeredness engulfed in fear relinquishing all hope of any hope and I know I desire Love and not to be alone so hear my cries oh God -the Indefinable Unknown- save my soul and carry me... and crucify my ego.

When uh aren't feeling
what you ought to
and stuff that you are taught to
there stands a mess
swirling, twirling, in your head
an  outbreak as stress
that made you bled

When I tried self love
all I got was centeredness
when I tried respect
all I got was harassment
all I got was
all it brought was
the felling that I don't wanna feel
the healing that I never gonna deal

We pretend to show better
we lie to hide bitter
we smile to hide pain
we cry to drain
what that soul needs
what that heart beg for
is not human breed
to untangle

I wanna gift myself
a face with smiles
I want a bookshelf
which gives me my time
but this world
is full of intruder
earth is curled
and so the people are

So the stress is
who jump into intellect
and ****** his
gifts and memoir
and blew it far

When uh aren't feeling
what you ought to  
and stuff uhh ae dealing
isn't the part that you are taught to '
don't let the mess stand
against you
just drop the things planned
by you
and flow with the memoirs
that had been blown far

When uhh aren't feeling
stop dealing with the ought and the taught
else you will be caught....

everyone knows Pain
she visits every one of us
wearing different disguises
different costumes
so we do not even realise
that Pain has become our friend
until we are sobbing on the floor of the staff room
until we are putting up barriers so we never let such humanity show
until we are cutting off lovers, family, friends
until our own raw reflection is too much confrontation to handle

every one knows Pain
she presents us with a bottle and promises a cure
she hands us a blade and offers an escape
she gives us diet pills and leads the way to "True Beauty"

Pain looks so different every time
making it near impossible to spot her pretty lies
if you look closely though,
she has a pattern of isolation
never, will she promote Unity
Connection,
Hope,
Community
always, she will order you to operate alone
forever drawing upon inner self-centeredness
never, will she guide you to Truth

every one knows Pain
she is a clever friend to all
always lurking in the background
waiting, on standby
ready to become our transportation to the morgue

we have a closer friend called Healing
stored in a back shelf
that we sometimes forget
she also comes in many forms
she is a song
she is a hug
she is a pen

THIS WORLD SYSTEM
        John 17:1-6; 11-18

Subj. -The world

Prop: The Bible speaks much about this world in which we live /and usually not in a good way.

Object: From this message I hope to illuminate our understanding about
why God warns us about the dangers
of getting chummy with this world…..
1. The World Defined
2. The world’s Design
3. The World’s Danger

I. The world defined -IJohn 2:16; 5:19
   A. Gk. Xprts: “world” is a system that operates
on the foundation of “The lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and
        pride of life.”

C. Worldliness is pursing the activities of   life, with no regard or thought of God’s will… no consideration of whether God is pleased with our activities.
   1. Even innocent activity pursued apart from God can be classified                                                       ­             
       as worldly, not so much the activity itself, but the attitude of the        
       the activity.
  2. For example, I knew a man who was   so taken up with dirt track
     racing, that he neglected his wife and children. His wife divorced
     him and his kids ended up in prison.
       a. There is nothing sinful about racing in itself, but his attitude
           towards it made it worldly.  

II.  The World’s Design

Ephe. 2:2 explains to us that Satan god of this world system is the prince of the power of the air and the spirit that now worketh in the children of (mankind) of disobedience

A.  Who are these children of disobedience?
Anyone who has not believed in Christ a personal Savior.

B. Anyone who pursues this world’s
    Godless system based on the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye
and pride of life.”

  
C. It doesn’t have to be something immoral such as adultery, ******* or some form of ****** transgression; it could be:
         * Self-centeredness
         * Selfishness
         * Lying/cheating
    * Arrogance
         * Unforgiveness
         * Jealousy
   *Just plain ol’ meanness
       IOW anything that breaks the bottom half of 10 comm. “Thou
      shalt love thy neighbor as thy self.”
      b. Nor does the lust of eyes have to be limited to viewing  
         immoral things, or Pride of life limited to bragging or acting
        superior to others.
    a. If truth was admitted, the underlying motive for most        of our words are pride.
     b. One of the marks of the last days according to 2Tim.3;2
        is pride - “For men shall be lovers of their own selves,
        boasters, proud and & high minded.”
      c. These words describes the world system of which Apostle Jn,
          warned against the believer in Christ of getting caught up in it.

III. The danger of the world.
A. It is a danger to family unity.
     B. It is a danger to living apart from
         God and dying apart from God and
         suffering in agony forever in Hellfire.
    C. For the Believer in Christ as personal Savior, danger of the         world is personal indifference towards Bible study, prayer,
       church attendance and soul winning.            

Conclusion
Sadly, many have been snared into his world system like a fly in a spider web, to  their own spiritual detriment.

Falling into the sin of worldliness is like a slow leak in car tire; It start with a little compromise here and a little there, until before we realize it, our spiritual tires have all gone flat and the ride of life has lost its joy.

So let me ask you this. How’s your tires of life. ? How’s your fellowship with the Lord? Are you filled  with the joy and peace of the Holy Spirit? Do you have concern for the unsaved?

Your answer to these questions will reveal to you, your relationship to God.
                                                            ­                 By G.E. Parson

In the Nahi house, they wed in nineteen ninety seven
Chilly and brisk on an Autumn day,
it was hard to know it on the inside,
their faces glowing like that of heaven

Rokh & Nahi, looking of young Hollywood,
a beauty in a photo
resembling one of Nahi's mom and pop's,  
my sister T figuring it would
No thought in their guests' minds,
this is not going good

Intimate, lively, and buzzing the atmosphere,
People happily conversing, many one on one
I overheard big brother joking with Nahi about you're gonna get some

I wonder now what were the parents, one of Rokh's high in the skies
feeling
as they witnessed the coming together of their daughter and their son
Echoing Grand Nahi,
Bryan would say,
You're not two people
Now, you are one

In these modern times,
many married couples don't last
because of their self centeredness and superficiality
Hopefully in each other,
RokhNahi have found peace and tranquility,
not to mention, namaste

This twosome's souls,
sweet as Nokesville's Pumpkin Pie
and that I can assure you, is the truth and no lie
A wedded pair I can understand
because their love is still saying, Yes, we'll make it land

Like the communion between lovely, white doves,
I'm guessing in their rural nest, there's little push and shove
Mr. & Mrs. a many years,
one tarot card's telling
a contentful matrimony with few tears

Surely in their twenty three year span,
they've been tempted to eat from the forbidden tree
with all of its lustful allure and ornaments calling Rokh or Nahi
Their commitment to God stronger than their commitment to each other
has kept them from dropping to a level of single me,
and Wow, from falling, two apples quickly from the tree

Twenty three years, I'll always be right there
Two kids later,
we think they'll make it to their rocking chairs

Happy Anniversary, onward to planet Mercury
These going strong astronauts are traveling fast,
Allah willing, they'll continue moving on full blast

RokhNahi twenty three,
a long standing he & she
The road to their future
is complementary, free
and for happily ever after now,
each toast to we

By: Najwa Kareem

I no not a feeling,
better than Service.

It brings me joy,
and purpose fulfilling.

To be the hands,
and feet of God,
and to be a brother,
who walks the lands.

To know how to give,
and when to receive,
in the quiet loving embrace,
of all that needs Acceptance.

A giver I strive to be,
for that is true Happiness,
to share with vulnerability,
and expose my imperfections,
I shall conquer all pride,
and division of loneliness.

I serve the Self we all are,
and therefore I serve,
the Self I AM.

This is the highest self-centeredness to be,
as you serve yourself in serving the Self,
you righteously serve the right and only Self.