the leaves fall in fall
is it really that simple?
they change color too

i used to think love was free
when you came to me
but then you had your fill
and aphrodite came back with the bill

step one.)
think. think of everything that people must hate about you.

step two.)
let it consume you until you forget to breathe

step three.)
drop microscopic hints to people that you're not okay

step four.)
breakdown when they don't get it

step five.)
make excuses for them

step six.)
fear that they do get it, but you just bother them so much that they don't care

step seven.)
stop talking

step eight.)
start overeating, or eating nothing (with practice, you may be able to do a combination of both)

step nine.)
watch tv until you fall asleep on the couch every night

step ten.)
don't shower

step eleven.)
go numb

step twelve.)
receive a notification on your phone that sends you spiraling into self loathing and wondering why the hell you did this in the first place because it doesn't make it better. it doesn't. it doesn't

step thirteen.)
feel selfish for even thinking about bothering anyone again just to satisfy your own stupid craving for attention

step fourteen.)
finally reach out

step fifteen.)
repeat steps one through fourteen. again and again and again.

step sixteen.)
die

i still wish you never showed me that song
because something so beautiful
shouldn't hurt me so much

how long
will this song
play on repeat?

when will they
hear it?

people don't label my pain
as real as others

but i promise, it's just as lethal

you aren't sweet
you're salty.
but i like to lick
the sweat from your
lips.

you aren't soft
you're sharp.
but i like the way
your nails feel against my
back.

you aren't loud
you're quiet.
but i like to sit and
just think with
you.

you aren't poetic
you're poetry.
but i like to write
you into
immortality.

i play a song
full of dissonant chords
but i won't stop
until the last note

because maybe
someone needs to hear a song

used to think i was so wise
yes, my words were so clever
and now i stare at my demise
regretting my foolish endeavour

i thought my words could hold you
that they would show you my heart
but you just saw right through
my carefully crafted piece of art

you weren't a
book for me
to read

you weren't a
movie for me
to watch

you're still being
written
you're still being
made

so am i
and i'm so sorry
for expecting
you to be
a finished product

when i sit here
on the
potter's wheel

i used to think
i was so
clever

but these tears
are evidence
of my stupidity

all of our memories
are reconstructions
of things
we think to be

maybe that's why
i thought
we'd always be a
we

i think so

because despite everything
you've put it through
my heart
still loves you

i emptied
myself out

it took awhile
but through all those
tears

i think i'm finally
hollow

you wore my
blue flannel
and i wore my
smile

i bleed in a lovely chorus
that haunts my resonant lungs
striking harmonies in my veins

my broken bones crackle percussively
throbbing through my muscles
creating a beat felt in the depths of my gut

every time i break
music erupts
from the pieces

and for you
i will become
the most beautiful song

you leave my flannel
hanging up with your clothes
it was my favourite,
and you were too

its only company
is my heart
which you left in the corner of your closet
to gather spiderwebs

who knew that a broken heart
would taste so good

you are so sweet
yet so bad for me

you taste so secretive
so deliciously mine
but you're only a recipe
for a broken heart

no matter how many times
i put you on my tongue
you drench it in your savoury promises
that you'll never keep
leaving me empty
with desire

and somehow, i can never say

'no'

being ignored doesn't scare me

i'm afraid of people listening

the lines of decision are thick
and if i cross them the wrong way
i will be entangled in the threads
of a life unlived

but if i stay here
on the other side
i risk not knowing
what life is at all

so i'll pluck them
like the delicate strings
of a lyre
hoping to strike a harmony

even 'zero' has
an 'are'

all i have is
a 'was'

i'd cry

but
i'd have to have
tears to give

i'd laugh

but
i'd have to have
air to spend

i'd bleed

but
i'd have to have
blood in my veins

i'd love

but
i'd have to have
a heart in my chest

when i left my mark
i didn't think
it would be a scar

i dreamed of it being a handprint
on your heart
but i see now, that i've only cut it open

and sorry is not the bandage that i once believed it could be
time no longer the cure i had labeled it

i see now why the doctor prescribed those
shifting glances
and one word responses

because i am just a relapse waiting to happen

i've been staring out of this window
for so long
i can't tell who's
gone

me
or
the people i can't see

i pressed snooze
so many times

i don't know when
i meant to wake up

but i might as well
stay
under the
covers

the clock is time
ticking away
going on without us

the hourglass is our time
draining slowly
running out grain by grain

you tipped
my hourglass
over
so that time stood still

and broke the glass at both ends
when you walked away
leaving my heart
bleeding
in the sand,

my time in a
meaningless
heap

the sunlight was so loud
but i couldn't hear it
because it doesn't shine
on me
when you aren't around

i'm not afraid to die, love

i'm afraid to live

when i gave you my heart
i didn't know that yours
came with strings
and you could tug
on them
whenever the ******* felt like it

as much as i say i do,
i do not blame you
the only one i blame is me
for everything i cannot be

for all the times i've fallen short
when i couldn't think of the right retort
for every single time i cry
i only blame my own eye

when i scream your err
pay no attention
it is only lack of self care
and increasing muscle tension

a void
would be preferable
to your eyes
avoiding mine