i stare at the pen in my hands
and think

i'd give
just about anything
to write my life
in

pencil

the problem is
i care
too much
about
not caring

i am jet lagged
but not from flying;

from falling

please, love,
do not look
away

i am so tired
but
everything that
exhausts me
keeps me
awake
at night

"The most important part, is the part that hurts"




~John Green

I never told her
How her laugh filled me up
Or how her smile made me shiver
How her voice made me weak
Or how her gaze made me quiver

I never told her
That she was my reason for living
Or that she made me feel worth something
That she made me want to wake up in the morning
Or that she slowed my turbulent thinking

I never told her
That I loved her

This is the only thing
That I am not indecisive
Or unsure about

Don't make me second guess,
Because I will

I will overthink
And analyze
Until my brain is splattered on the wall

So let me be sure of this one thing
This one small thing

I know
For a very fact
In the deep recesses of my heart

I like girls and boys

I am not confused
Nor am I calling for attention

Let my love
Love how it wants

Let me love
Who I yearn to love

Love looses her beauty
When she is rigorously controlled


Let my love be beautiful

13 pills
5 in the morning
8 in the evening

I have to swallow them
One by one
Just to stay sane

They catch in my throat
Choke my screams on their way out

Keep my tears at bay
Before they fall

They slow the voices
In their chatter

Keeping the anxiety
From grasping and pulling at my heart
And pooling in the pit of my stomach

Or...

At least they're supposed to.

But my screams
Still stain the air

I still hear voices
Bouncing back and forth
In my skull

My heart clenches
My stomach tightens
With the anxiety that is supposed to be gone

And still I swallow
8 pills each night
5 pills each morning

13 pills each day

Oil on water

Sliding over me
This slippery
Never-ending reality

Grasping at nothing
Downward cascading
Hardly even breathing

Silk on silk

Words die on my lips
Things falling from my fingertips
My world caught in apocalypse

Everything gliding away
With each passing day
Everything fades to grey

i have to keep myself together
for everyone around
i can't let them see my tears
can't make a sad sound

i should be able to open up
but something inside me cringes at the thought
keeping me locked up
tying me up in a knot

i long to break free
of these bonds i have caged myself in
i misplaced the key
sewn shut in my own skin

i need to release this pressure
this sadness needs to escape
find air that is fresher
i can't keep fixing it with tape

i need to rip the bandaid off
**** this fake smile
i don't care how you scoff
i need to be real for a while

let me cry
let me sob
let me die
let me throb

let me break open
split apart at the seams
i feel like i'm choking
on my own unspoken screams