i wish i didnt have feelings

i wish i could be art

I find validation in soulful eyes.

it was so dark down there

earth crumbles, muffled mumbles,
twisting,
resisting,
persisting
the death of coexisting.

i believe it was a time
when severe grime
was at its prime

but i remember
above
the soft comforting glow of ember

it was so lonely down there

silent shrieks, hesitant peeks,
sneaking,
seeking,
reaching
towards something that isn't there.

later, i stare
as i am gasping for air
into a beam of light
that has answered my prayer

and i remember
that once i was above
my happiness of december
is when i find love

i could tell you what you want to hear
but instead i want to lie
i haven’t had a spine for a very long time
but no nerves have been severed at the base of my skull
i should think just about now
but the creaking of locked doors are all that will sound

i could lie to you now
i could stand up to you now
i could have a will against you
except i am no longer sure of my capabilities
except i am so far away from consistency
except i my life is no longer available to me

the music of the rain
was awfully soporific
and terribly terrific
with nothing but soft clouds to blame.

the clouds were peaceful in their own
changing in a constant temper
sighing in with a deep tremor
as was heard in the home

the home itself was so complacent
breathing in a feel of rest
letting so much bliss be possessed
all around becoming so nascent

there is something haunting
a greedy thing captivated
with it's taunting
of those that have been isolated

i wish i could say
i have never strayed
but my pride for honesty
has taken my modesty.

i swear to you
i have not spoken true deceit
but my panic leaks through
and my real truth becomes obsolete

i wish i could say
i can help it
but something takes over my airway
and i would like to admit:

i have so many unwilling lies in your minds
that i cant stand to look in your eyes
but i hope to release you from dishonest binds
and let me start over.

the land rolls beneath my feet,
but i continue past defeat,
where i am so eager to complete
this one task i must repeat
to go on, and delete
the cheat that is so bittersweet.

the night sky is so silent here.

white fluff, cold stuff,
drifting,
shifting,
lifting
all the dark away.
to keep the shadows at bay.

i knew i wasn't ready to let go
i was forced to grow
underneath this snow
although
below
it is so calm

the night sky is so dim here

dusk drops, warmth stops
pleasing,
teasing,
freezing
all the light again

i knew it wasn't the right thing to do
and now i can't continue
i have fallen through
even though
below
it was so calm

and i have now lost it all

my mind spatters on canvas
another piece of evidence to my madness

i spill my speculation
and wallow in my damnation

the wind whirls with thought
just another useless idea caught

life has no exact description
dictionaries are just fiction

language has evolved
yet no new problems have been solved

more wasted acrylic
on something i wish was idyllic

my artistry has withered
and fantasies have been embittered

but i will live with the vacant
as i am just now nasent

my arrow misses the target and points to something dark,
i just always seem to loose my spark.
i just don't know how its supposed to work.

i have once again lost my mind
and long ago went blind,
leaving all the easy things behind.

i wanted to loose a bottle in the sea
a long lost hope to set myself free
i never expected to actually send the plea

and now it is all around me.

do i want to die,
or do i want to fly?
if i cry,
will it reach the sky?

The stars won’t reply,
and i always deny, deny, deny.

i never imagined i would care so much.

there is no way to see the future.

i would give anything
to have become an easier creature.

there has never been such
a cloud in my vision.

i want to determine
what my past means to me.

i will look beyond
and no longer look behind.

i wish my life would look at itself
and fix all my flaws

i wait for an applause

when i am my only audience
and i am out of patience

with such a selfish creature.

there are dead days
that seem to have lost their meaning
while forcing the world
to work around them.

there are dead days
no one seems to notice
but are always begging for attention
and everyone pretend to ignore.

there are dead days
that soak up the sun
so that the only things still living
seem to be the shadows.

there are dead days
that everyone can see
and can only decide to take pity
when they lose their life.

there are dead days
that take the whole universe with them
so that nothing can see
and everything goes deaf.

there are dead days
that wish so much to just be alive
that they take everything for themselves
just to feel less empty

but the days that are alive

they sing with the voices of angels
they burn bright with laughter of all
they carry weights to unimaginable heights
they stay among the clouds for as long as they can
they shine with love of the world
they work with ambitious vigor
they never give in to the hardships

the days that are alive
may never appreciate what they  are
but give solace to the hearts
that need them the most.

I wish there was more to me
Than my body
Which does nothing more
Than consume the values
all physical, emotional, and soulful alike
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my failures
That are so overly abundant
Than my virtues
which have been swept under the rug by only myself
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my childish ambition
That have overwhelmed me more
Than I could ever foresee
So that I will never see clearly again
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my nonexistent future
That my mind keeps insisting I daydream about
Even more than the comfort of fiction
Which has given me asylum for so long
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than claims of intent
which manifest in the forms of wishes and changes
Even though I spend my time with unhealthy coping
I still think about the desirable change
I still need to make

i may not be brilliant
or particularly resilient
and entirely insignificant,

but now my words
have been taken with the songbirds
and i have no idea where towards.

i wont let their truth
take any innocent youth
when they could soothe.

i do not understand
how they were allowed to expand
past my imaginary contained land.

others have inflated such false veracity
that i didn't think there was a tendency
to believe words with such ferocity.

but none of it matters now
i must retreat and allow
the people to take their vow.

my confounded ignorance
has been a serious hinderance
in my search for a fair existence.

the truth is ugly
and hides in a body of beauty.

the truth lies
and holds secrets in its eyes
pretending to be wise.

the truth may be broad
and so commonly awed,
but it is a fraud
that is not past God

the truth is unyielding
and totally unfeeling
and has given up on what it had been shielding

the truth is dead
and yet it is still spread.

I'd love to be able to lay my heart out
I want to open my chest and flay all my doubt
Ill reach into myself and hope to see reality
But how am I supposed to help if I blind myself?
what if I go searching and only find trouble?
What if my eloquence it reduced to babble?
Reason takes effort and I'm exhausted

let yourself rest.

the days are nothing but inspiration.

pain is temporary.

daydreams are live motivation.

flammable, the fields of my wants
amber waves of grain
the fruits of my labor
just being mined away
the old gods' graces fallen
and shriveled to grey
i am being burned

i tell you to live
for me.

i wish you couldn't see
the hypocrite inside me.

my words may be in vain,
but your thoughts are a chain.

everything holds you down
your mind is a ghost town

i know you cant help it
and you just want to quit

but please

live

for me.

you dream of wings
and cruel deposed kings.

your eyes have left
having witnessed so much theft.

you may waste away
and so i beg you to stay

but you are lost
within a castle's frost

your thoughts have turned bitter
and your dreams now flitter

the light returns
but the coldness burns

and i ask you
to live
for me.

there is sunlight in her hair
and galaxies in her eyes

stars glide in the air
following the fireflies

i have never been so lucky
to witness this

soft voices and poor choices have led me here.
i want to laugh at how
my face shows its fear.
indecision and lack of vision
have left me for dead;
fed to the angry beast
left behind, in my head.
streams of consciousness
and everlasting thoughtlessness
make waves in their wake.
it all bends and breaks.
friends working to
stop the aches.
soon the lurking beast will awaken
and my world will be shaken,
but for now,
i will stay on my journey
to a jury
that will put these voices
to rest.

i lost my mind long ago
all the rest has been a show
i think you knew, though.

you knew what i liked about you,
and you liked my upside down view
and that was enough for me to pursue.

but soon enough
things again got rough
and i just wish you would call my bluff

i would be that cliche
'i'm absolutely fine'
and you would say
'i don't believe you this time,
i know you're walking a fine line'

but thats not how this goes
i keep myself in a perfect pose
and try to stay normal, i suppose.

how selfish i've been
to not see the fragility behind your grin
or notice you growing so thin

i've been trying to find a way to say
how sorry i am i wasn't there when you swayed
or to keep you from starting to fray

and i truly hope i am not too late
but i know you couldn't really wait
just for me to say i relate

i really hope you don't hate me yet
i still haven't payed my debt
i just don't want to forget...

i lost my mind long ago
but with you i was still able to glow
i just really hope you know

that through my view,
i still like everything about you

my words have been sought after
in long lost rituals
of tears tracking down a face
that none have ever seen before.

a stranger sits across from me
with an easy smile
and the struggles are equivalent
to eye contact

such bodies may be seen
as nothing more than an image
the riches look through
the work of the poor

my eyes search for the phantom
they cannot reach
of the equals eyes
that can and will give me needed help

the world is covered in grey.
i don’t know what has changed.
there must have been a shift;
I’ve started to notice a rift
between what i think
and what the reality is.
thats it, I’ve lost touch
because I’ve been thinking too much.
i wish there was something to do
to infuse the sky with blue
but I’ve lost my touch.

my blood ran cold
i cannot be so bold
i don’t know what to do.
i turned red with envy
and green with greed.
why can’t you just read my mind?

the world doesn’t spin that way
my mind doesn’t twist that way
maybe only in the wanderland

our fingers won’t tangle that way
my body won’t work that way
maybe only in the wanderland

i don’t know the sea
i don’t know how to be free
i don’t know how to find my voice.
my heart turned blue
my fingertips are violet and violent,
why won’t you notice.

i want to feel that way
you can’t shield me that way
maybe only in the wanderland

hell froze over
i cannot find cover
i don’t know where to go.
my life turned grey
the sun turned black
why can no one else see?

the only time
i have ever felt calm
is in the presence of pain.

it laps at my brain
and takes over my body
as i cannot feel anymore

there are times that i adore
the excuse to tuck myself away
as i am washed into a darkness

the world never sits on the same axis
when my soul tries to stitch itself back together
after it splits under too much pressure

i used to imagine that u could breathe under water
as i could make up for when i felt so much weaker
in the atmosphere that waited above me

all my effort strengthened my need to be carefree
but i knew my work would always lead
to my visits to my mind’s coroner

i allow my whole self to wander
finding pseudo relief in jumping to conclusions and off cliffs in my mind
only to find real solace just when my thoughts stop

i have memorized the reactions of when my face drops
and a quiet captures my mind
because it scares me, too

my calmness it different to you
i’ve seen this my whole life
as when i hurt, at first, no one seemed to see

but later, i saw how different pain was for the mind and body
for everyone else it was so separate
but i felt them as if they were alive inside me

migraines that felt like a caged animal trying to break free
my skull shattered as my body overheated
mind and body desperately trying to reject something unknown

it was at these times that i would lay prone
pondered at the ceiling with thoughts
that were so irrational they became logical

there was were my self would dull
my soul turns inside out and i relish
in the nothingness that is sure to come

my body wakes with a rejuvenated thrum
and i start the story all over again
and i stare through once calm waters to see myself for what feels like the first time.