The doctors all say
Our minds can't remember pain
Why then, do I still remember you

Tears streaming
I'm screaming
Nonstop flashes littering
My brain
The ground
Me
Remind me why you think I'm fine?

Try harder
Be stronger
Attempt to escape
Your mind, dissimilar
Halves, thirds, god I really don't
Tell me where to go
But on the other hand wait
Besides, society hasn't helped me much of late

It's soothing
The beads of pure red
Purer than any colored pencil or marker could signify
It doesn't even hurt anymore

I've spent hours
Perusing your porcelain
It won't tell me lies
Right?
Wrong.
Staring, paring
My soul into
Shreds of dignity
Refreezing the melted
Puddles of my being
Into a shaky sculpture
Of perfect imperfection

The bravest thing a person can do
Is love another
Even when you know they won't last

What does it say
When the taught are educated best
And stand up for rights with the simplicity of suffering
While others hide us behind a wall
Of falsities pretending to make a difference
What does it say
When lives are lost and people don't bat an eye, saying we're too
Emotional and naive
If being emotional means having emotion at all,
Yes, I guess, in a world of double-checking not to offend the constructs of a society we pretend to need
We live in a world
Where young minds are silenced with the illusion of superiority
Well we'll see what happens in 10 years or so

Tie me to a chair
Dragging with thorns of fire
Away from my one release
That manages still to bring me to my knees

I used to be terrified
Lights on all the time
Even a glimmer
To keep it from enveloping
Me
My thought
So scared of blindness
A battle I fought
Many years
And yet now I stand
Eyes gouged out by fears
Seconds into months and into years
Standing on a precipice
Slipping back in darkness

Endless stars in your dark eyes
Like streetlamps lighting up city skies
Drowned in a pool that's filled with lies
A shattered mirror while all else dies

Let me fade away into the distance
Like temporary hair dye
Or a cloud after rain
Not into pages of books
Not into family secrets
Into memories covered in cobwebs
Not gilded in gold

You say you love me
I reply just the same
An auto reply
In this dumb old game

Astrum, lux caeleste et clarus
Princeps aetheres et spes
Dux meus in aeternum

Rough translation:
Stars, light celestial and clear
Ruler of skies and hope
Guide me for eternity

I loathe your loving
Your caring caresses as needles
Prancing with abandon
While their victim shudders in fear

I want to live
Where the sun never shines
Where the stars litter the endless sky
Serene and never-changing
To live alone
Where my thoughts can never find me

Even with friends surrounding
A reliable future
If you don't accept me
I'll still die alone

How can heaven be a paradise
If you're not here with me

We gave each other the world
But I wasn't aware
The life that came for me
Was stolen away

The worst part about the heat
Is that everyone can see
My one release
My deadly tease
I guess the arms aren't a good choice anymore

Deal with me all you can
In your makeshift helping home
But when you say I'm fine
Cause I didn't go that deep
Even after I break down sobbing
You aren't fit to be
Someone who's supposed to help
I'd never blame you more
If you weren't one of the many reasons
They still don't know

My room is littered with scars
The broken light switch from when I slammed it too hard
The half finished projects I lost the motivation to do
The notebooks I release some of my feelings with
And the scissors I use for the others

If you don't like me just say so

I don't remember the last time I ever cried like this

Sit here with me
No need to stay quiet anymore
I know how it feels to hurt this way
I've been down this road before

I'll take that extra burden
I have room for some more
I know how important it is to you
I'll treat your aching sore

Silence is a lonely dream
Meant for others, but
Never
For
Me

Don't tell me I'm fine
And feign disappointment
When I decide not to trust you
Tell me, why should I?

Gee thanks for your thoughts
But do you really know
The battles I've fought
The numbers I've lost
All while saying 'I'm Fine'
Ha.
What a lie

I recognize the one telling me
That one guy in my old Algebra class 8th grade
He was stupid, but kinda cute
So why after all this time
Does he come back
But only in my mind

I've heard skin described as porcelain or mirrors
Sometimes scratched, but smooth and unique
Well I guess I was left to be heated too long
I can already see my distortion breaking out

You trying to help me is like
Holding me up like a plant to a house lamp
Trying to help
Trying to heal
But naive to the point of stupidity
Dragging to the point of falling
Down
Down
Down
into
Dark
Because that light isn't a savior
It's the one at the end of the tunnel

You never let me call you in those last days
Because you didn't want me to see what you had become
As if you'd ever be anyone else than
The man who laughed when I forgot the water in the cake mix
Who knocked me off the couch with his yelling at a football game
Someone with talents and always some good advice
A hero with the strongest heart
Despite it hating you now and then
I'll still remember our final talks
And how you had always said it was your greatest regret
To not live to see what I'd do with my life

I remember your funeral
Somehow I couldn't cry
The only dry eye
I've made up for that as of late

My power is inevitable
Unfortunately, so is yours

Where I'm from, turbulence is arbitrary and the top layer is a dream
Violence and suicide hidden by pastel pinks and blues
A fragile frosted shell

Where I'm from, dark secrets come from a college in Santa Monica
Where someone drank too much
And no didn't work enough
My dad was in custody of the state 9 months later

Where I'm from, we pride ourselves in Edward Rutledge
Who picked up a pen in 1776
How does a single signature outweigh
A blurred auburn plantation in South Carolina
The sweet scent of fat, and the relatives I'm not allowed to meet
The men under another red, white, and blue flag

Where I'm from, pills are passed out like candy
Anxiety, depression, take your pick
My second cousin, she jumped off a bridge
We don't talk about her

Where I'm from, my cousins are bi-racial
I take pride in myself, and will never fall back
On racism, sexism, words that make my skin crawl
Where I'm from, I'll never stay silent again.

Gee thanks for your thoughts
Your sympathetic pats
Trying to help by saying nothing at all
"Oh you're just worried"
To hell with that.

Why should I pour out my feelings
Make my weaknesses too well known
'Cause even though I might feel better, some things
Are better left alone

Absorb my spirit I beg of you
Take me to a world that I don't know
For even though new trials may await us there
It's better than all that's here below

I never like it when things change
When people become something new
It's easier to just keep labels on faces
It's easier to not change my whole world view

Everything is crumbling
I don't know where to go
While you're still hiding in your shelter
My scars will start to show

I once knew a girl
Her eyes were like the sun
Her heart painted gold
Always punctual
Never stopped for a breath
Pulling others along in her light
But though she is long dead and gone
My friends still think she and I are the same

Why are there these jokes
Tying twine into nooses
Resting dinner knives on wrists
While the people who do
Rub their pencils against their wrists until they're
Raw and bleeding
Suffer in silence and are erased as a joke

Complaining about their scores
Saying that I'm calm
You're lying
I'm just more experienced at hiding it

My perfect pastel way of life
Smudged by emptiness and strife
Tread on, rained on
Nonstop
Just let me
Breathe

I need to write a melody
I need to write a song
But my pen won’t work today
My brain’s not turning on

Your problems don't matter- someone always has it worse than you