I thought I was broken but I realize that I was raised by a broken woman.

we all do it
Pretend
Pretend we’re happy
Pretend we’re content
Pretend we’re angry
Pretend things are going great
Pretend the in-laws are nice
Pretend work is great
Pretend the money is worth it
Pretend
Pretend
Pretend
I want to stop pretending
I’m ******* miserable.

All of the above.
Alone.
I feel so alone.
I wish I had that emotional support some girls talk about with their moms
I feel like she’s there but not there
Im just here
I wish I can go to my mom for a hug
I wish I can go to my mom for advice
I wish I can talk to my mom
I wish I had a different mother
I feel so alone

Thousands of miles separate us
Who said long distance works?
I hate it
I want you here
My bed is cold
I sleep diagonal
When are you coming back?
I miss you
Come hold me again
Virtual dates & late night talks
Five minutes of holding you can change it all
Long distance is tough
Baby I want you
I miss you
Come hold me again.

I’m the invisible friend.
The one where everyone tells their problems to.
The one where everyone comes to for advice.
The one where everyone comes to for research.
The one where everyone’s goes to for fun time or random adventures.
The one where if I need a lending ear I’m alone.
The one where if I want to cry I find a corner.
The one where if I want to eat I eat alone.
The one where if I want to talk I better find my notebook & pen.
The invisible friend,
Always needed, never wanted.

I can’t trust my heart because she betrays me.
I can’t trust my brain because it won’t tell me what I need.
They go back and forth.
The only thing I have constant in my life is a pen and paper.
They never let me believe something else.
Everything in front of me is black and white.
I trust my pen and paper.

I’ve loved you when I didn’t love myself
You loved me but you only loved yourself
I did everything for you
My heart and soul bled for you
Leaving blood marks on the sidewalks
But you let the wind blow it away
And you choose to see what you wanted
Some of you thinking, this is about my boyfriend
But listen, best friends can break your heart too.
She stuck that knife so deep in my back
There’s no way in hell Im ever going back
I took care of you cuz that’s what friends do
But I like I said, you only loved yourself

This is what disappointments feels like.
Getting your hopes up knowing you shouldn't
Waiting for something that you know in the back of your mind isn't going to happen
Predicting different outcomes hoping maybe one of them will be true
But when the lights turn on and you take off the shades
That deep feeling of dread sinks in because you did it to yourself again
I've felt it all my life

For you
I want to be something more
The mere thought of your angelic name, brings a brush of wind on my skin
Taken, my heart will not let go of you
My brain says to run
My legs are moving slowly
And my heart is beating too fast
What do I do?

I want to explore the lines of your skin
Read every curvature with my tongue
Your tall body will be my art tonight
And baby I always aim to please
Your innocence makes my words still on my tongue
Taunting to leave my mouth
But I leave you be
Innocently, exploring you and your body in my mind.

A pain so strong can cause our mind to snap
Change the reality in front of you,
To see what you want,
Instead of what you need to see.

I think im suffering from intimacy on both sides of the line
With a man...
With a friend
Since I've moved here I feel so...
Empty?
Idk the right word to use,
When you feel like your insides are drowing,
Constantly surrounded my family and people on the street
I look around to check to see if anyone is looking at me.
No one.
Loneliness is one hell of a drug
Once you start feeling that,
It gets the better of you
Riddling your thoughts of foolery,
Tricking you into thinking no one is there
But is anyone here.
I see faces but no eyes.

I made a mistake.
My first mistake was about writing about you.
My second mistake was thinking about you.

I never told you the truth
We sit next to each other,
Words are trying to spill from my mouth.
I sip on my margarita, hoping the tequila will make the words disappear
The truth
The truth
I want to say it
You should know how I feel
You should know my thoughts, my wants, my desires
I look at you and wonder...
No, no, I tell myself
Drink, I tell myself
The tequila will make the thoughts go away
Except it doesnt
Three drinks later, 2 shots and 1 beer
I want you
I want your chocolate eyes and pink lips
I want your muscular arms and wide torso wrap in me
I want your minty taste on me
The thoughts come in waves, leaving me thirsty
So instead, I drink water
Water makes me sober and less thirsty
Water gives me some clarity
But nothing makes the thoughts stop.

There is a door I want to open...
Instead we've open the window
I told you I dnt like to start things I cant finish
The breeze through this window feels amazing
It isnt wide open but just a little crack,
Letting me feel things I havent felt in a while
Summer just started and the chills on my skin makes my hair stand
I sit and stare at this window,
Thinking if I should open it more
Or just open the door.

I dont want to bother you
But I cant stop thinking about you.

It's been four years and yet you still linger in the back of my head like a plague.
Taunting me to come back.
I've loved and lost but yet it's you.

Hiding myself is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

Not physically, more of a spiritual, ,emotional
Constantly wondering which feeling/thoughts is correct
Decisiveness has become my first name
Nothing in the world seems right
What do i do?

Escape
Escape
I'm always his escape
Somewhere where he finds peace and solace
Somewhere where he runs from his problems
But I've learned that
Vacations aren't forever
Eventually, you must go home

You've shared your body with others
Made false promises & empty wishes
I shouldn't look at you
She still wants you
Plotting and planning ways to crawl under silk sheets
With your muscular body lying on top
I shouldn't wish to see you
She still thinks about you
Wanting to know if you still want her
You're off limits
You can't be mine
But my mind still wonders about you
There are too many what-ifs
Constantly running through my mind like waves
I can only offer friendship
We are forbidden from each other
Everyone wants us apart
But the distance is drawing me to you
My guilty pleasure is that I want you
When your eyes run over my body
It excites something in me
The only solace is that you're away
The distance between our homes
Is my saving grace
Stopping me from doing anything reckless
'I cant you touch,' I tell myself
'You're not mine,' I remind myself
She still wants you
Plotting and planning ways to  crawl under your silk sheets
You aren't mine
So I must say goodbye.

Nothing breaks like a heart
How long will it take for you to heal?
Pain and sadness has become your new personality.
Where did you go?
You use to be bubbly and easy.
But he has change you.
Where did you go?
Come back,
I need you.

A flashlight can only let you see so far into the darkness, eventually you have to turn the lights on.

I'm craving something I no longer have
Craving something I miss deeply
Constantly running towards a temporary fix,
Knowing it won't last
I miss the warmth & security of  someone's arms
Feeling at bliss, my heart rest
Now, here I am restless
Always searching for something
I know it won't come soon enough.

Words spew from your mouth,
Slowly filling the air,
But my ears has stop listening.
You said those words once.
Don't you remember?
It was 6 months, 2 days and 14 hours ago!
How can you forget?
I've heard those same words before,
Except this time,
They came from her mouth.

Lay here my darling,
Let me take care of you.
Cooking and feeding you,
With food, lovely edibles and my love.
I want to spend my days treasuring you.
Making sure everything is okay,
And our love growing.
Don't leave me love
I won't be able to live long without you,
You are my rock,
Please?

Snow days where I lay in your arms
Slowly breathing in your scent,
Our breaths link, synchronize together
Blankets wrap around our bodies tight
I close my arms around you, never letting go.

Sorrow fill my veins
A lump in my throat
I cannot speak
Stagnant in my walk
I cannot move
Why did you leave?
The raw turmoil of your long absence
Has left me weak
Come back to me
Im lost without you
Wandering soul cannot find solace
Please, come back to me

The hungry scarlett
Searching for love
So much friends and family
But you still search
The wrong arms can feel
Right with this person
Sooner rather than later
You wont know yourseld
Who are you?
Where did you go?
So hungry to fill that emptiness inside
You'll lose the fight
Before it even started
He doesnt love
He never will

You slap my thighs three times.
Clap!
Clap!
Clap!
Pain erodes in my thighs,
Stinging moves and up down my legs.
Anger builds in my chest,
Rage spews from my mouth.
Pain.
You evoke pain into me.
***.
Pain.
Most men like to evoke pain into their partners for ****** stimulation.
Slapping
Hitting
Spanking
Those are all painful.
I dnt think you realize the abusive monster resting dorment under the facade you show.
A powerful being, strength of two men.
Your arms take control of my little figure.
Slap!
Slap!
More pain, more stinging.
I lay in bed wondering what will it take for me to get up and walk away.
A bruise lip or busted forhead?
Eventually that monster is going to get hungry
And these little appetizer hits isnt going to be enough.

He saw me in a yellow dress,
And yellow became his favorite color.
But when he saw her in a green dress,
He saw that color everywhere.

Physically, I'm okay, emotionally I am colder than any winter.

Controlled by our feelings,
We often deal with a lot of bleeding,
Cast away and shut out to deal with our healing,
Never truly finding the meaning,
Of our bruise hearts often peeling.

I hate you.
I hate that you took something from me.
I hate that I no longer feel like myself.
I hate that I can't trust myself.
I hate that after all these years, I'm still trapped.
Trapped by these hurting thoughts and memories.
I hate you.
You gave me everything I wanted,
Everything I'v ever asked for and more,
And took it all away.

Arent we all black butterflies?
The outcast of the world, getting brutalize
We preach & sing innocent
But the system leaves us in abandonment

Arent we all black butterflies?
They tell us to act civilize
So the cops wont atagonize
But is it our fault they wont compromise?

Aren't we all black butterflies?
Constantly being treated like criminals
They probably wish they can put us in tunnels
Tuck away from society
Without taking any accountability

'Is my freakiness too much,' you ask
'I haven't decided yet,' I say
I guess my answer was a challenge for you.
You held down my wrist and pull my pants down.
In your world, this is being freaky.
In my world, this is ****.