Trapped.
Every time I give in, I wrap my strength in a layer of confinement.
Starting to feel restrained again.
Trapped.
Trying to free myself with poison.
Trying to escape but no.
Trapped.
Not only imprisoned.
But stuck, lost and out of options.
Trapped.
I sip to escape.
I do for a while until the next morning and again.
Trapped.
I used to smoke crack.
And not long after, my escape reformed.
Trapped.
Exercise, another escape.
Yet my negative mind captured me back in its grasp.
Trapped.
Writing, one of my strengths.
Yet all I can write about is being...
Trapped.

Bed bound, beneath the sheets
Unable to stand, knees much too weak

Ready to buckle, if I dare attempt to walk
Ready to pile, in a messy heap on the floor...

Why the **** can’t I stop playing this same track
Over and over,
Repeating a demonised past of thoughts
That inject my stomach with butterflies,
That scratch at my arms and legs like metal on a chalkboard,
That whoosh hot through my readily pumping blood
That results in nausea and tensed muscles.
A track that brings with it memory of a time
So thick with pain and too, confusion
That brings back memories of you,
Memories of then,
Memories of hurt,
Memories of destruction...

**So why does it feel so good to remember?
And why the **** do I kind of miss it?

4am,
Hand in hand.

They travel at a steepening 120km/h

With deep minds,
Wearing warped thoughts.

Day after day,
The battle takes its toll.

The once sparkling blue in her eyes,
Now a dulled grey.

The contagious smiles that once beamed
From cheek-to-cheek, now forced and exhausted

Soul mates.
Their love stronger than any word could describe.
  
Windows rolled down
Her dark hair blows violently in the wind.

They both wear a pair of shades
Despite the lack of sunshine

In true purpose,
Of hiding their shared pain.

A moment before they descend
Sunglasses are lifted off,

Tears roll down their cheeks
Whilst they simply smile,

He lifts his hands off the wheel  
Caressing one another,

Lips on lips
          
The car takes flight,

For a moment lasting forever in their eyes.

The car flips off the bridge,

And in seconds both of them die
Together,
In peace forever is where they lie.

Today I poured out the devil’s lesser friend
For days I starred at the concoction that remained in my bag.

Finally over a period of withdrawal and being ill
I had been clutching onto a bottle of syrup tightly... Unsure if I would change my mind,

And I did, multiple times I went to reach for it
Yet I restrained, subconsciously waiting for a period of weakness-

Knowing in that moment I’d turn back to the bottle
Letting the purple syrup ease my pain, suffering and distress when I needed it most.

BUT Today...
Today, I followed through with my plan
I snatched the readily mixed solution and poured it out straight into the garden

A hard step for me to take,
A difficult move for me to make,
A choice that had to be made.

Smoke trickles from my lungs
Passing through my dried cracked lips
Polluting the air surrounding me
I sit in the cold breeze -
The only thing i can feel
The rest of me numb to the core
I ask myself whats left...
The answer: Everything

I watch wattle birds tend to their young
Baby birds snuggled deep in their nest
For a moment i experience envy  
I want to run home to arms of my mum and dad like the old days,

Mum would stroke my hair and hold me tight, as i sobbed into her chest
Ensuring that everything would be alright
But those days have past
And i have to hold my own, except
I dont know how
Im broken beyond repair
I can no longer run to the arms of my mum or dad and pour my soul out
Because i know the weight of the disappointment i will bring

Will only **** me further inside... At the sight of my parents suffering and struggle to understand once again where they went wrong
But it was never them,
It was me and me only who made the choices i made
Leaving myself stuck in a rut of hell
And its my job to pull myself out...

But i have no idea how

Finally on a good path, one heading in the right direction

But my grip is becoming exhausted, I’m slipping

Back into old habits, back into a depression

Everyday becoming a re born struggle

Departing is simple enjoyment

Returning are cravings

Growing is the urge to satisfy

Climbing to tremendous heights is

My brain as it fails to dimmer before sleep

Even the tablets aren’t helping to keep my mind at ease

I’m scared of bad decisions I might make, ones that are quite probably


Going to become a reality

Resurfacing,
Is the urge to run back
To a world of misery
To a world of destruction
To give up
To give in
To indulge in old bad habits
To hand over control
It would be so easy

Time flies on this high
Before you know it
Hours have gone by
Since you last ate or slept
Your frail body undernourished
And weak
From the borrowed energy
You inhaled
Ready to collapse from exhaustion
With skin so dull and pale
A horrible sight to see
Witnessing a lost soul
On such a dark journey

Its evening, yet its bright with a yellow tinge
Its raining heavily, but the rain drops softly...
Soundlessly sprinkling, soaking the atmosphere
My tears dry as the world around me dampens
The yellow tinge in the sky isnt like anything ive witnessed before.
The rain comes to a sudden halt still silent as ever
The trees dont sway with the wind instead they remain grounded and stiff like an animation.
The clouds reposition and the dulled light dims back in sync with the evening.
But the beauty of nature i happened to witness in past 10 minutes... so different to anything ever before,
A memory i hope to remain planted in my brain for eternity.
As though it was the universe speaking to me and me only, saving me from myself...
Saving my life

I have an excessive build up of stored anxious energy,
That begs desperately for release,
But motivation won’t have it, and that is what holds the lock and the key.

Thick white cloth presents itself in the form of a sundress
Now worn thin, ripped and dirtied dull, dusty and stained
Shiny blonde locks dangle in gentle waves
Now dyed black dead-ends split further day-by-day
Waves now lifeless brittle strands hang in knots against skin
Once so soft and well nourished with a glow so bright, you wouldn’t recognize the,
Now so dull and completely colourless if not for the bruises
Spread head to toe across the limited surface only skin and bones
Soft velvet wings so delicate and intricate, intriguing and eye capturing
Now torn with a rough surface of scars and old scabs thick with dried blood
Dainty feet once glided through luscious green grass
Now limps across broken glass and stakes leaving vicious wounds
Wounds so great they will never fully heal

Is life really as miserable as we all make it out to be?
Or are we just that spoilt that we can’t even see,
All the blessings we are surrounded with?
We take everything good for granted,
We are so blinded by life’s imperfections and worries
We can’t see past the thick layer of obstacles.
That saddest part about life is that,
No matter how much we each may have,
It doesn’t seem to be enough to make us happy as a society.
Us as humans create and roll in and spread negativity,
Like wild fire
Without even realise we are doing it.

Distant, alone
In a state of unknown
Negative thoughts have grown,
To new heights
I'm blinded,
By sharp lights
Striking me at moments,
Of weakness and even strength
Im stuck in cycle of self-torment
10 steps forward, 15 back
Support,
I don't lack
Yet despite the light, Life feels pitch black

...Yet despite the light, Life feels pitch black...

Quiet
Alone but not physically
Quiet
Stuck with my thoughts
Quiet
My mind is loud, overbearing
Quiet
The rain has settled the wind has calmed
Quiet
The storm was my only company
Quiet
Suffering in silence
Quiet
Most people lay fast asleep
Quiet
I cant hear my breathing
Quiet
I can only hear the noise in my head
Quiet
Too quiet... is my heart beating?

Biggest problem is mental health
governments only concern is wealth
public health systems a joke
People going broke
We work all week, just to pay rent
No food in the fridge, bills being sent
Constantly in debt, people upset
Everyones stressed, families a mess
Just trying live, day to day
But all we do, is pay and pay

Your looks i adore
But your personality much more
But we connect (Like four)

Thankful you’re here
Many times, you attempted to disappear

You made me a promise
To never walk back through that forest
With a rope that almost took you from me
To never again see you bleed
So dramatically

The love of my life
Has attempted suicide
Too many times

My heart shatters at the thought
Leaving me beyond distraught

To the love of my life
I hate when we fight
But even then, i love you with all my might

So please my love
Holding a metaphorical gun
Never ever try attempt again
Because i couldn’t handle that pain

And a life without you
Would be impossible to get through