Every time I give in, I wrap my strength in a layer of confinement.
Starting to feel restrained again.
Trying to free myself with poison.
Trying to escape but no.
Not only imprisoned.
But stuck, lost and out of options.
I sip to escape.
I do for a while until the next morning and again.
I used to smoke crack.
And not long after, my escape reformed.
Exercise, another escape.
Yet my negative mind captured me back in its grasp.
Writing, one of my strengths.
Yet all I can write about is being...
Bed bound, beneath the sheets
Unable to stand, knees much too weak
Ready to buckle, if I dare attempt to walk
Ready to pile, in a messy heap on the floor...
It takes strength to walk away from a toxic relationship, weakness to stay.
Wishful thinking will have you believing old problems or tyrant personalities have or will dissipate.
By constantly relenting, nothing will change.
Having said that, there is still time for you to gather your strength.
Take a stand, don’t stay victim to someone unworthy of your love.
Instead just walk away.
I've been in some unpleasant relationships, one in particular broke me down. Broken down and shattered some more... Eventually i pulled myself back up. Very thankful for the loving support of my family and a particular friend. Anyone who may be struggling or scared to leave an abusive/toxic relationship, in most situations clarity only comes after chance after chance, each one being thrown out the window... Stay strong, you aren't alone.
Why the **** can’t I stop playing this same track
Over and over,
Repeating a demonised past of thoughts
That inject my stomach with butterflies,
That scratch at my arms and legs like metal on a chalkboard,
That whoosh hot through my readily pumping blood
That results in nausea and tensed muscles.
A track that brings with it memory of a time
So thick with pain and too, confusion
That brings back memories of you,
Memories of then,
Memories of hurt,
Memories of destruction...
**So why does it feel so good to remember?
And why the **** do I kind of miss it?
Hand in hand.
They travel at a steepening 120km/h
With deep minds,
Wearing warped thoughts.
Day after day,
The battle takes its toll.
The once sparkling blue in her eyes,
Now a dulled grey.
The contagious smiles that once beamed
From cheek-to-cheek, now forced and exhausted
Their love stronger than any word could describe.
Windows rolled down
Her dark hair blows violently in the wind.
They both wear a pair of shades
Despite the lack of sunshine
In true purpose,
Of hiding their shared pain.
A moment before they descend
Sunglasses are lifted off,
Tears roll down their cheeks
Whilst they simply smile,
He lifts his hands off the wheel
Caressing one another,
Lips on lips
The car takes flight,
For a moment lasting forever in their eyes.
The car flips off the bridge,
And in seconds both of them die
In peace forever is where they lie.
Secondary thoughts leak from an opened portal
Demanding to have their own way
An inner war battles round after round
No one around has a clue about the hidden chaos
Of this never-ending brawl
This is no dual, more like a free-for-all
Despite being psychological, the impact is physical
But the worst part is not knowing, if this ongoing cycle
Is ever going to go away
Today I poured out the devil’s lesser friend
For days I starred at the concoction that remained in my bag.
Finally over a period of withdrawal and being ill
I had been clutching onto a bottle of syrup tightly... Unsure if I would change my mind,
And I did, multiple times I went to reach for it
Yet I restrained, subconsciously waiting for a period of weakness-
Knowing in that moment I’d turn back to the bottle
Letting the purple syrup ease my pain, suffering and distress when I needed it most.
Today, I followed through with my plan
I snatched the readily mixed solution and poured it out straight into the garden
A hard step for me to take,
A difficult move for me to make,
A choice that had to be made.
Smoke trickles from my lungs
Passing through my dried cracked lips
Polluting the air surrounding me
I sit in the cold breeze -
The only thing i can feel
The rest of me numb to the core
I ask myself whats left...
The answer: Everything
I watch wattle birds tend to their young
Baby birds snuggled deep in their nest
For a moment i experience envy
I want to run home to arms of my mum and dad like the old days,
Mum would stroke my hair and hold me tight, as i sobbed into her chest
Ensuring that everything would be alright
But those days have past
And i have to hold my own, except
I dont know how
Im broken beyond repair
I can no longer run to the arms of my mum or dad and pour my soul out
Because i know the weight of the disappointment i will bring
Will only **** me further inside... At the sight of my parents suffering and struggle to understand once again where they went wrong
But it was never them,
It was me and me only who made the choices i made
Leaving myself stuck in a rut of hell
And its my job to pull myself out...
But i have no idea how
ANOTHER ROUGH COPY WITHOUT PROPER EDITING SO PLEASE EXCUSE ANY SPELLING ERRORS OR POOR FORM
Finally on a good path, one heading in the right direction
But my grip is becoming exhausted, I’m slipping
Back into old habits, back into a depression
Everyday becoming a re born struggle
Departing is simple enjoyment
Returning are cravings
Growing is the urge to satisfy
Climbing to tremendous heights is
My brain as it fails to dimmer before sleep
Even the tablets aren’t helping to keep my mind at ease
I’m scared of bad decisions I might make, ones that are quite probably
Going to become a reality
Is the urge to run back
To a world of misery
To a world of destruction
To give up
To give in
To indulge in old bad habits
To hand over control
It would be so easy
I feel like I'm going insane
My mind is derranged,
Im lost and on-edge
Cant relax, no not even in bed,
Im miserable and depressed
I get so emotional i could be mistaken as possessed,
By the devil
A kamikaze-driven rebel,
Im uptight and reserved
My mind is the opposite of perserved,
Overrun and overdriven
Exhausted and be-riddled,
Im ruining relationships
Self ******* sabotaging ****,
Close to losing it all
Hit rock bottom... but still, i have room to fall,
Further down the rabbit hole
Into the abyss
Of complete nothingness.
Mind blurs, eyes now weighted and heavy-lidded
Slowly they fall shut, but the portal to sleep closes
Locked on the opposite side of sweet slumber, trapped in an inescapable wake
Attempt to try again, again and again
Desperately searching, for even the slightest opening
But all apertures are sealed tightly, all doors slammed shut
Heavily guarded by brain activity, and a severe inability to relax
From techniques to tablets, to exercise to none at all
Still found is no peace
Only corruption and inner war
Time flies on this high
Before you know it
Hours have gone by
Since you last ate or slept
Your frail body undernourished
From the borrowed energy
Ready to collapse from exhaustion
With skin so dull and pale
A horrible sight to see
Witnessing a lost soul
On such a dark journey
Its evening, yet its bright with a yellow tinge
Its raining heavily, but the rain drops softly...
Soundlessly sprinkling, soaking the atmosphere
My tears dry as the world around me dampens
The yellow tinge in the sky isnt like anything ive witnessed before.
The rain comes to a sudden halt still silent as ever
The trees dont sway with the wind instead they remain grounded and stiff like an animation.
The clouds reposition and the dulled light dims back in sync with the evening.
But the beauty of nature i happened to witness in past 10 minutes... so different to anything ever before,
A memory i hope to remain planted in my brain for eternity.
As though it was the universe speaking to me and me only, saving me from myself...
Saving my life
Really rough copy, unedited just purely off the top of my head in a moment of pure distress... this yellow skyed evening somehow managed to calm my soul, a lot... despite how lame it sounds.
I have an excessive build up of stored anxious energy,
That begs desperately for release,
But motivation won’t have it, and that is what holds the lock and the key.
A tangled knot
A knot -
Words tumble rapidly
Unwelcome memories flooding
Arising are bad ideas.
Invisible steam rising from its surface
Blurring all vision.
Different style... A bit vague but thought I would give it a go...
Internal screaming blares inside my head,
Clawing at my own skin as if it will tear,
Because at this very minute I really couldn’t care,
Drowning in thoughts of pure despair,
Suffocating, in the wild mess stuck up there,
A long and dark journey that feels never-ending.
A vicious cycle that lessens the pain.
But when you need to press the stop button, it quits working.
Negatives out-way the positives.
Yet you keep returning to your journey, to try and keep your mind at bay.
Temporary relief followed by enhanced and new problems.
So you stray back to the dark journey, one that feels like sunshine at the time.
So easy to give in, desperate for release.
Only to be left stranded in the dark alone, with the monster that lurks inside.
Writers block seems to be inescapable at the moment, but felt as though i needed to put some thoughts down on the page.
Thick white cloth presents itself in the form of a sundress
Now worn thin, ripped and dirtied dull, dusty and stained
Shiny blonde locks dangle in gentle waves
Now dyed black dead-ends split further day-by-day
Waves now lifeless brittle strands hang in knots against skin
Once so soft and well nourished with a glow so bright, you wouldn’t recognize the,
Now so dull and completely colourless if not for the bruises
Spread head to toe across the limited surface only skin and bones
Soft velvet wings so delicate and intricate, intriguing and eye capturing
Now torn with a rough surface of scars and old scabs thick with dried blood
Dainty feet once glided through luscious green grass
Now limps across broken glass and stakes leaving vicious wounds
Wounds so great they will never fully heal
This has more then one meaning
Is life really as miserable as we all make it out to be?
Or are we just that spoilt that we can’t even see,
All the blessings we are surrounded with?
We take everything good for granted,
We are so blinded by life’s imperfections and worries
We can’t see past the thick layer of obstacles.
That saddest part about life is that,
No matter how much we each may have,
It doesn’t seem to be enough to make us happy as a society.
Us as humans create and roll in and spread negativity,
Like wild fire
Without even realise we are doing it.
(A Terrible Poem - refer to notes)
I’m drowning in a sea of my own sorrow
Lost in my own personal anguish
Deeper and deeper I burrow
- searching desperately for an escape
But this fire burns wild,
now grown much too large to extinguish
Especially on my own...
My brains on a rollercoaster, I can't think... let alone write but I had to try release some of this distress in a more constructive way compared to what i have been.
Alone but not physically
Stuck with my thoughts
My mind is loud, overbearing
The rain has settled the wind has calmed
The storm was my only company
Suffering in silence
Most people lay fast asleep
I cant hear my breathing
I can only hear the noise in my head
Too quiet... is my heart beating?
A torturous cycle
My heart beats
Or does it
This journey never ending
It started young
Countless battles to escape since
To change my fate
Yet here is this torturous cycle
Busy and quiet
Inside and out
Defective, functioning (barely)
Storms i love
Definitely not this one
I went for a very different style with this one, trying to exlore different ways of poetry, leaving more for the reader to interpret and dissect the way they may do so. Whether they may relate in their own way or whether they may not. Whether they relate in a way that is different to my thoughts and my personal meaning behind this i like to think other people can possibly relate in their own way even if it’s completely different to my own meaning behind it
— The End —