Being around you makes me happy
It also makes me sad
In the shadow of indecision
Burned both hearts bad

Deeply scorched scornful words
Into space inside your tender chest
My head cluttered, no room to think
Strong arms where my fears are pressed

I hope you will be okay if I go
You give no reason to leave
Staying because I own no excuse
That is not how love should be

I like to think
I know you

but what if
I don't?

what if I'm in love
with a past version
of you?

is the old me
wrapped up
in the old you?

how am I to know
when nowadays

you shut me out?

Tell me
Where do I go from here
where there's a vast amount of why's and how's

Tell me
How do I get away from here
when I can't even remember how I got stuck in here

Tell me,
Old self
Do you want where I am going?

My thoughts are broken,
shattered, crumbling into intricate spiderwebs
that stretch out forever..
Too delicate for my crude hands, my crude self.
So I hide them,
Hide them in the crevices of my soul, and weep.
Weep, because I can never make
Anything perfect, whole...

But maybe, just maybe...perhaps...
What's broken can be beautiful too.

~
I trust yet I'm suspicious
I love yet I'm hateful
I laugh loud but I cry
I observe, I'm not blind
I try so hard by confidence
shakes
Try harder, esteem breaks
I stand strong with laughter
aimed
Locked deep, my ferno rage
I clam up
Guards up
Shields up
Inside, the shards of my bones
break
Laughter to me is a sword
with two faces
I see the argent lighthearted face,
but my eye is locked on its
shadowed edge
Malicious, cruel, sharp and swift
Sheathed ever so deep into my heart
I can hear the echoes more than feeling the pain
I pick so blindly at an open wound
My mind is a riot, a murked brew
of emotions
Time will heal the wounds,
but it's a scar I'll always remember
Anger screams
Sadness cries
Frustation seethes
A joke, am I?
The sun is dead
Blocked out by echoes
Ink
So disoriented
Heart pulses
I cannot think...
~

When someone praises me
I'm like a deer
under headlights
Of course I'm delighted
beaming,
even
But I really don't know-
how to respond
...
Do I brush it off?
Act like it's
not a big deal
whether or not
it really is
And move on
to another
subject?
...
Do I just stay quiet
Look down shyly,
and smile?
Or just let the conversation
pass me by?
...
Do I adamantly
reject it?
Refuse, and insist
to the point
that the person
before me
ends up
fighting with me
about
it?
...
Do I roll with it,
faking non-existent
confidence?
Owning up to it,
sometimes
in a joking manner?
...
Do I immediately
switch the topic
to praising
the one
who praised me?
Or have them talk
about themselves
to turn
the
attention from me?
...
Or, do I just smile
large and wide
and thank
the person?
...
I don't know
and it irritates me
that I can even have trouble
with something
as lovely
as a compliment
...
It's not
negative
hurtful
or even
a criticism
...
So why does it
bother me?
...
Maybe
...
I care too much
about what others
think of
me