I’m sitting in class,
And I don’t know the solution ,
The teacher sees me struggling,
She’s aware of my confusion.

I stay after class,
She knows I’m really trying,
So when I don’t raise my hand,
I suppose she thinks I’m lying.

I really don’t know the answer,
I’m really just confused,
But it seems she wants to shame me,
So the class can be amused.

Four problems in a row,
But I guess she isn’t done,
After every “I don’t know”
She says, “you’ll do the next one”

I can hear the class laughing,
And a crimson shade comes to my face,
And I wonder why I feel so ashamed,
In what was my “safe space”

The panic is building inside,
Making it feel like a rollercoaster ride.
I thought that I was happy,
But now unlocked feelings have set free,
Leaving me with inner conflict,
Unsure which direction to pick.
My stomach tightens at thought of action,
While my former strength loses traction,
One moment I want to flee,
The next moment I am proud to be.
What am I running from this time?
Would playing hookie be such a crime?
If it meant discovering this truth,
And abandoning this depressing sleuth.
I want to shake off this darkness,
Before I am left feeling sparkless.
I want to break down these walls,
Before another part of me falls,
Leaving me a shell of myself,
Hungry for knowledge and lacking wealth.
I must invite the light in,
So that this darkness will spin.
I still feel the rumble of panic,
Leaving my thoughts helpless and frantic,
Encouraging motivation to flee,
So I can be alone, and free.

a lollipop
sour and sweet
it was mine but I shared it with you
cheddar cheese chips on your tongue
you don't understand why i mutter and blush
or why i try to look away

it started raining
we wrestled for who should hold your umbrella
i won
u look cute with a pout
your mom came and i took your hoodie
cause i didn't bring one for myself
it smells a lot like you

Leading chance perchance to get
I try to find what's forward set
And all for those who created me
On the road I go and seemed to be
I easily stumble and lose my whit,
And I doubt myself, but I can do it.

Creating a path with leaps and bounds
Now hense I go forth, no turning around
But if I could I would look back
Upon the choices which I am set
I easily stumble and lose my whit,
And I doubt myself, but I can do it.

And if I try I might just take
A moment to think, or stop and break
Break from a path which I pushed forth
Upon those supportive of my chosen course
I easily stumble and lose my whit,
And I doubt myself, but I can do it.

I look back with stupor at how I got away
But I must treck on like any other day
The more I wonder, the more I trip
The further I question my kinship
I easily stumble and lose my whit,
I doubt myself, can I do it?

To what do I owe this honor
Being your toy
A scheme
Thinking you could pass me around to another
With no love
No thought
I meant what I told you
With every piece of my tearing heart
I love you
Even still
You shove me to another once you've had your fill
Is this all I've been to you
Is that all you want
How could you...
Broken
Unsure
Why should I be a part of your life anymore
I'm not your plaything
I'm not your doll
Seeing you toss me aside...
I can't take it
I don't want to fall

This word of wander,
Not as easy to do
As it may be to ponder

One life full of dreams
Another filled with distraction,
Makes it hard to choose teams,
Without choosing destruction

Go where the money is?
And risk losing myself?
Or go with my heart,
My passion,
My desire,
And ask, ‘What if?’

But ‘What if?’ I will ask regardless...

Either path will leave me with wonders-
But which to follow?
If I go with one,
I may become hollow...
If I go with the other,
My bank account may be swallowed...

Can one do both?
Or does authenticity risk fading?

Distraction... Destruction...

Focus. Decide.

To try is to decide.
To know is to have done.
To love is to know.

Do I know what I love?
Do I know what I want?

Try. Decide. Focus.

You were my cause of death
You ripped from me my very last breath
Yet still I professed my love
I told you how I don't believe in a God above
Because he took you away
Not from this world but from my day to day
There is nothing for me to believe in
I suppose my life has been plagued with sin
Is that why He has forsaken me?
Cursed me and my progeny?
Let's be real, I won't have any.
I'll die alone before He'll have the chance
I'll one-step two with death as in "Hell" we dance

MGK Love Overdose 551am
Septa 4 2018
      MGK love overdose just one of the very fuxken many songs I am so deeply in love
      They got me all thinking , reminiscing all kinds of everything featuring you
       Swear **** should grow old but it don’t and as much as I’m told “gotta let him go “ it doesn’t seem like so
      See now, hear me out right now
      Been a whole year almost since I had to go and leave you , not wanting it despite the life I had going on
       Knew it would most likely be the last time I’d see your face
         Some days I think the memories start to fade ; sort of makes me insane
         I ain’t want it that way , wish the memories shared would forever stay in brain  
          But life ain’t a blunt to rolll like that
        You drove me insane , made me this way
You’re not at all to blame ;
In fact I praise your name and the gains that came from all types of pain you made me face
          Don’t mean this all as you made Cause I too chose to go along and keep it the same
Though I lost my sane , went partially insane and had to move states
             Love you anyways
            Nothing so the same ain’t planing on it to change , gotta keep going this way till next sun come up
              Pull a chair up , this just started
A year last now , just about can’t let you loose
Wish you were near or magically appear
A year that I haven’t argued
A year with no joking and insults
A year no long drives
A year of no laughter
A year no real feel
A year no busting missions and late night talks till dawn
No hikes up the hills to see the views and just chill
No sneaking around or tryna keep it down
A year of no stares , glares feeling of little no care
Those eyes have not met mine in a year
And I don’t *** to cope
The *** is almost a year since we last had a bit of a blast
Making it all last
Wish it could not be the past
Hoping it was all never my last
A year since I heard your voice
Heard stories of your children and family , the fun and dumb things that have gone on
The times we spent , see not all great not all hell
We never felt the same or maybe we are insane
And couldn’t every admit and only commit to games of playing no same
We had to lie our feel or share and deny
Either or
For whatever
Doesn’t matter cause those eyes
Those eyes met my soul
I recognized it all too well
Felt good to be home
And now it’s s year since I felt
Your souls isn’t matched with mine
Actually in a fight I feel
And if we shall make it
Overcome this year of not speaking
This year of our separation
Baby I promise things could get great
Promised I’ll do my best to make it back
For you with you or not
Doesn’t change s **** thing
Ima ride for you till I ain’t got none left to run on
I know it’s dumb
But your my flame
We aren’t meant to forever separate
We’ll reunite , maybe not today
Just some day
Okaye
Latez .