I know that I have killed myself a thousand times in my head,
Never fully grasping the concept of leaving.
I do not know when the thoughts started,
I guess they've always been there,
Whispering and taking turns rotting my brain into the landfill of decay and broken thoughts.
No longer the pink fleshy muscle that sat presently in my head.
It had turned to tar,
Black and thick,
            R
               U
              N
               N
             I
            N
              G
Dripping,
Suffocating the light away from the open cracks where creativity once flowed through.
Unfathomable, the thought of dying, ceasing to exist.
What have I become?

I often live by the rules
of it's okay I'll get through this.
if this way doesn't work,
there's plenty more.
i should be calm, shouldn't i?
often i have to remind myself
the what ifs of life;
anchored to the ground
as if I've been drowning for a while,
or head's in the cloud, light-
its a part of the process, right?
the part where im soiled with combat? the part where my body
will be devoured til i am one
with my heart and my mind,
and i am the seed
that will break through the surface;
gasping for air, longing for the rain
to wash my sins
and the light that will guide me to me;-
my subconscious is always at war,
and my body is a battlefield,
and i can never seem
to make peace with it.

I have grown impatient,
with being alone,
I'm in the same place,
a mindless drone,
day after day,
as I watch for the phone,
writing treadmill diaries,
spilling poetry,
night after endless night,
absent of touch,
and life giving light,

I'll die without,
sustenance,
or at least die quicker,
like a witch at her wheel,
I finally snicker,
so sleep and light deprived-

You say you need - results?
well here's something you can feel,
I hate to be the one,
but this is as real as real,

I am ready to date someone new,
not a wanton bandit who's like you,
stealing my minutes and thunder,
so you're not stealing any more time,
or pulling me back under,
your shaded curtain of lies,
if I come back,

It will suffocate me to death.

Ma Cherie © 2017

Everyone could make you feel special,
To them, you are crucial,
To lose,
Cause you're the one they'd choose.

Don't be a fool,
This isn't some pointless duel,
It shows you how much they love you,
Anything they'd do.

So don't abandon those who care,
But life isn't fair,
Suffocate in all that isn't real,
Cause then soon they would reveal.
That you weren't anything,
The truth will sting,
You'll soon be back with them soon, don't worry,
No one right now is in a hurry.

As long as you stay put,
No one's a crook,
You're love will find you,
You'll just have to wait for a few,

MINUTES.

She turns, shuffles, in the opposite direction,
Wanting -
Needing,
To get away.

Out -
of this suffocating landscape,
Where people stare,
And compliment,
And do not go away,

When all she wants,
Is to slip,
Silently past,
unnoticed,
unremarkable,
unimportant.

Eyes meet hers across the room.

She ducks,
Underneath a waving arm,

Spins,
As someone goes past,

Spies,
The nearest exit.

The eyes blink, and she is gone.

Out -
to the darkness of night,
Where there is no-one,
And there is space,
And she can finally breathe.

She turns, strides, in the opposite direction,
Needing -
Wanting,
To get away.