I am ashamed.
I have failed so many times.
I no longer believe.
Believe in myself,
in my world,
in my dreams.
This weight on my heart,
so deep and dark,
slowly crushing me from within.
It's so hard to escape,
to breathe.
So frustrating.
Sleepless nights,
stressing.
Second guessing everything;
Everyone.
Feelings I can't control...
or defeat.
A drop away from drowning;
Suffocating.
I need help.
So many hands extended,
but some wither; some fake.
Unsure of who to trust,
which hand to take.
Head pounding,
heart racing,
four am panic attacks.
I don't want to let my parents down,
but I already have.
They haven't said it,
but I can see it,
feel it.
No explanations needed.
It's not all in my head!
It can't be.
But what if it is?
What do I do?
I'm lost.
But not all those who wander are lost...
right?
I've been wandering for so long,
When will I be found?

I can't breathe without
A crescendo of panic
Crashing into my lungs
Like a flood of salty, bitter water.

and you'll know what it is when you see it
and your throat begins to constrict
and your chest feels heavier
and it is just difficult to breathe
and you can feel emotions bubbling up from the pit of your stomach
and you know you are going to cry
and the memories come flooding back
and you know you just can't bear to feel again
and despite knowing this you don't look away
and you begin to wonder whether you actually like the pain
and it is getting more difficult to breathe
and you know that soon you are going to be overwhelmed
and you do nothing to stop it because it was a part of you for so long it demands to be felt and accepted wholly, completely it demands that you cling onto it and never let it go it wants your attention it need you attention it does not care about you it cares about your attention you fool stop living in the past the past is the past it is over get over it
but
you
never
will

What does drowning feel like?

Darkness, slowly approaching
Running out of breath
Or
Weight pressing down on your chest;
No man can
Imagine
No man can live, drowning
Going, going, gone

Loneliness never did killed me;
Its your thoughts that suffocates me!

Emotional pain and suffering
is still pain and suffering.
If you are sad, angry, or happy
give yourself permission to feel it.
All these feelings are temporary
unless you lock them inside
where they will suffocate
your true self.

That is how monsters are made.

When our lips met ,
I could not breathe
-
-
-
It was like being suffocated by bliss

Persian pink slumping petals on sturdy green stems
Brought a smile to her face
In return you received her grace
But like her heart
Upon their final days,
cut into pieces
lid ******* on tight
glass walls limit sight
The air is fleeting


Slowly they suffocate away

Panic crept up to me,
Filling my mind with images of them pulling out my body,
Festered  and decaying.
Images of slow starvation. Of disease and disintegrated skin.
My breath faltered,
I gasped for air but it got caught in my throat,
Hot and humid,
The cloying stench of mold.

I could feel my heart in my head,
Rushing through my ears,
Every beat ripping my chest open,
Like the pressure would burst my veins.
Reason fled.
Rationality ran.

The walls closed in on my mind,
The water rushed up and choked my hope,
Impenetrable dark, weighing on my shoulders,
Pulling me down. Suffocating me.
Filling my mouth,
My nose,
My mind.

The moss beneath my hands crawled up my skin,
Images of drowning in insects flew through my brain.
Crawling in to my mouth,
The sockets of my eyes.
I screamed.

I screamed and I screamed,
My voice broke and still I screamed,
Silent peals of anguish,
The sound rough and course, grating against my throat.
Ripping apart the silence.

Frantically I tried to scramble up the rough stones.
Shredding my fingers,
My hands were covered in blood and grime.
Panic faded into Pain.
Pain to numbness.
I retreated into my mind.