Embodied body.
That body of water.
     The depths
        of the dips
        on the small
        of her back.
I would love to drown in your pools.
Your crashing waves pull me into that body,
That body of water.
     Deep,
     Dark,
     Undiscovered depths.
I want to feel you all around me.
Crush my bones,
Suffocate under your pressure,
I'll **** you into my lungs with my gasping breath.
Fill myself with you,
Mouth to mouth,
Revive me.

The grand, Dutch doors inside your eyes
slammed themselves shut
and this time was different because
I knew you would not be letting me back in.

I knew there would be no espresso
or red, Spanish lace stockings or you
forgiving me before *******
the breath out of me.

I knew on the nights I was a ghost
you would no longer visit my cemetery.

I knew when the old heart jar
began swimming frantic laps within my stomach
you would no longer burn lavender incense
or tuck me into bed.

I knew there were goodbye's
that felt like black, hot concrete
on bare feet.

Poetry was her lifeline. If she did not write, her voice would suffocate her, and her screams would silence her. Her hands would shake and her lungs would break.

A chain of men
******* my heart

But I'm okay
Just torn apart

I'm not dead
Just need air

Can't breathe
This chain I wear

Hopeless girl
Used for lust

Now you know
Why I can't trust

A minute happy
The next alone

Everyone I love
Turns to stone

He said forever
And he swore

They come back saying
"I don't love you anymore"

Maybe one day
I'll break free

From all the lies
Suffocating me

Feeling myself suffocate,
Just imagining my fate,
Hoping it's not too late,
Hope I don't deflate.

~A.d | 9 Dec 2014

I  remember the day I lost my soul.
And I wish I could explain it better but how exactly do you explain your dignity being stepped on and your innoncence being ripped to shreds?
The details don't matter because they never do.
I just wanted to go back home.
I just wanted to go back twenty minutes and wait for my friend.
I just wanted to go back an eternity and never take my first breath because how can I still be alive when I feel so dead inside?
And I was just a kid, but I grew up twenty years in the space of twenty seconds.
I didn't cry because I was empty.
I didn't scream because my throat was dry.
I thought about flying and the sound my shoes wouldn't have made on the pavement had I had wings.
Then I thought about this guy who'd made wings out of wax in the legend, and how he'd gotten too close to the sun and died.
And I thought maybe I was already dead.
Because my wings were melted and I was already falling down I
Have drowned in oceans deeper than the universe and
Like a heart lost at sea I am a human lost in the billions of lives walking around me
And joking about **** and not realizing their jokes are not funny
Stripping me down to an skeleton, an object to be played with, a mass of skin and bones, a live doll who couldn't get her voice to be heard by people passing by and turning their heads the other way is not funny.
And I don't want to wish you dead
But I can't bear to see you alive
I have suffered a thousand nights
Your words on my skin like a burning fire
Boiling my blood with the anger a 16 year old should never have to feel
I have been walking the walk of shame
Eversince you spit on the floor where you lay my ruined soul and left me to die And maybe one day I won't wake up with the image of you at my throat but for now you poisonned my past so each night I bleed my ink on paper to forget the weight of your body on top of mine
and I can't trust or smile or live the way I did before and I fall asleep each night feeling your shadow breathing down my neck I
Am no longer a blooming flower but a rotten scent like the perfume you were wearing that night I
Am not dead but I don't wish to feel so I sleep and in my dreams I wash my face with your blood and wipe my tears with my courage so I can clear my eyes and watch you as I blink you away you have not won this battle
In my dreams I am the hero and I don't have bruises and marks imprinted on my body because you do not exist in my dreams
But then I wake up and take twenty shattered breaths on my shaking lips and even as I suffocate in a world that doesn't understand my pain I live each day stronger than the next and let your memory fall down the land of oblivion with the hope one day I'll turn around and you'll be gone.
I have hope.