I feed my habits
And ignore my needs
As distasteful as it seems
My plan succeeds
I plant the seeds
That grow the weeds
Won't feed myself
I starve, deceased.

Here I am
where I've been so many times before
                              nothing    is   wrong
                              yet everything is off
                              everything is wrong
My heartbeat is too fast for this to be
right,
fine,
good.
I'm
Fine.
Why does this happen?
Why do my mind and my body disagree?
There should be no inner conflict such as this
                                                            Cry
                                                        Die
                                                   Hide
                                              Abide
                                         Starve
                                   Survive
Who would want this life
the life
of a broken
individual?


me.  I do.  I am broken.  I am strong.  I am proud.  I have potential,

                                                                                           and so do you.

My kisses must be toxic, poisonous.

Starving for love, they **** every chance.

I'm longing for affection, pure love.

I wonder if my eyes give it away.

The fear of being hard to love, toxic.

I lean in.

His lips feels cold on mine.

Bun o'clock
I'm hungry but I don't say anything
Because I can hold on longer

Chew pm
Someone says I look thin
Have I lost weight??

Three pounds
Potentially three pounds
But I don't know because I always think I look bloated

Four ice cubes to tie me over
I don't need to eat
I'm okay

Five fat shaming *******
Stroll past me in their skinny jeans
Reminding me who deserves to be a size 0

Tricks o' the mind
Start to play
As I tell myself I don't need to eat because I did yesterday

Age seven is when
Mama first told me to stretch my shirts
Hide my figure
Watch what I eat
Stop taking second helpings
No dessert

Eight
Looks like a couple of donuts.
Muffins.  Pizzas.
Any round food.
My round stomach.

Nibble pm.
It's okay to eat a little?  Maybe?

Ten pm?
Or ten candy bars?

Eleven hours later
Nothing in my belly
But four ice cubes

Twelve: time to taunt my taste buds
Trick myself
Tell myself that I'll eat tomorrow
Tomorrow will be the day
The day I really splurge
Everyone knows that's a lie
But my tummy doesn't

Say hello to your new friend
That is called
Anorexia Nervosa.
Rigid are her ways,
Viscious her thoughts,
Endless commitment.

I promised myself I would never again
But I don't know how much longer I can force it down
Today I thought about how disgusting it is
Whatever happens, happens
Above 15 and you're safe
Below 11 and you're dead
I know the extreme
I know the healthy way to do this
But I'm disgusted by it
I'd rather starve

Dizzying intoxication,
torturous obsession,
what could a fourteen-year-old know about addiction?

It never stops,
for one,
it's like an ugly mythological cyclops,
with an eye only for a prize,
wishing it had two eyes,
so it could see more of the world.

Dizzying intoxication,
torturous obsession,
hooked on clenching jaws,
riding on the high of fixing each of the wicked flaws,

Who said that this is not an addiction?
A terrifying one, but maybe they all are...
Addicted to pain of emptiness, both physical and mental,
leaving nasty scar upon nasty scar.

I regret falling to the addiction,
of sick and thin,
but like I said, I'm here to win,
so I'll succumb to addiction...

Average hair
Average weight
Average height
Average eyes
Not special, no, not quite.
I am that kid who tries but isnt noticed
I work hard until I can't keep going
But faliure always finds me
Like a mindless machine I fall back
Back where I started
Average
It's funny how I pray to be ill
to for once be different than them
Even though it could **** me.
I starve and I pray,
But is it really okay?
To live this way? Trapped in my mind
Laughing?
At me probably.
Finally
I am satisfied with the mirror
then temptation breaks me
And I'm back where I started
Average.
I dyed my hair pink
All I get is glares.
I want to be special but not like this
Even if it means I won't be happy
I'll do anything to no longer be
Average
Too tall to be cute
Too short to model
I've gotten no where at all,
The more I try the more I fail.
I will always be
Average
Average hair
Average height
Average weight
I want to not be able to remember the last time I ate.
They think I hate them
bit it's myself I despise
This smile is my disguise
I just want to be
Special.