Searching me down
looking for the prada
thinking every chav is selling narcotta

I  am a university man I said
well you resemble a local crackhead
said the rude fed
Whats with those meds
I went chemist for my mum
Do you think we're dumb?
tell us the truth son
those drugs are full your addiction
and that bike do you have permission?
no its my sisters she's at college
she recently left
that's technically thief

It's taken eternity
To write with warmth on cold paper
All the love that is taken
We can't  pretend to have given back

I WROTE 6 PARAGRAPHS OF MY LOVE LIFE AND HELLOPOETRY DELETED IT.
Well it wasn't saved to draft by hellopoetry (accidentally or whatsoever) and it's not fully their fault. It's okay im suicidal human being it's all my fault it's okay.

I aways say that I don't want you to fix me.
I don't need you to make me happy.

There's no need to pick my bones back together and
Sweep what's left of the my self esteem

I don't need you to lift the weight of gravity

To a bearable level
To a breathable level
To a level of density that allows me to stand on my two feet.

Alas

I always did.
I always do.

Come over unannounced and do nothing but help me do the dishes.
Tell me about the time you couldn't stop staring at the astronomy of my freckles,
freckles that are only showing in the sunshine
You are sunshine
Like a daffodil
I need you to grow
Please
Fix me

I said I wanted to be left alone
Which makes me a liar
You knew that though
You know that loneliness follows me wherever I go
But you didn’t protest
Which I guess proves my point

I promised you I wouldn’t hurt myself again
Which makes me a liar
You must have known that though
I’m not to be trusted with anything sharp
But nothing cuts worse than the words from your mouth
Stinging me hours, days, and months later

I told you was doing okay
Which makes me a liar
But why wouldn’t I lie
When it’s easier for both of us this way
You get to live your fantasy where everything is fine
And I don’t have to be more of a burden
Because I even weigh myself down

I pretended I didn’t need you
Which makes a liar
But after all this time
How could I reach out to you
After I’ve lied all my life
Subtle manipulation to make you think I’m not broken
But I am broken
I think this is all on me
Yet sometimes I wonder how you can’t see the cracks in my facade

I am a liar, but you must be too

Here I am again
On the verge of tears
Quiet
I tell myself
That way nobody will hear
I pace the floor
My family is sleeping
But my mind is awake
Abuzz with insecurities  
I tear myself apart
Somehow I find myself
Reaching for a blade
I haven’t done that in 4 days
I know it sounds crazy
But it was the longest I’d gone since March
I reset the clock
So now I wait
To be so broken again
All I can think of is destroying myself more

I desperately need today to end
But I fear what tomorrow has in store
I wish more than anything
Everything would stop
Maybe then I could clear my mind
Figure my time-bomb life out
I’m running out of options
Out of space
Out of time
Suspended in terror for what my life may become
Already weighed down by the past
Trapped in this life that I never asked for
Wondering
What’s the use
If all I’ll ever amount to
Is petrified

Once
You asked what you meant to me
I said you were color
You bring beauty into my dark world
Showing me that everything has a purpose
A point
And a meaning
Then I asked
What I meant to you
You said I was color, too