Flipping through song after song,
The search begins.
A search for a song that will satisfy my ears.
A song that fulfills my desires.
A song that brings my emotions into focus.
Any song.
The music stops.
I sit in silence,
A peaceful silence of blue,
Or yellow,
Or orange.
Nevertheless, silence.
I hear a ringing in my ears,
The silence brings me peace.
The silence makes me feel safe.
It wraps me in its warm embrace as I close my eyes.
The darkness also brings me peace.
It brings the world into focus
And causes my emotions to begin to stir.
The silence is now stabbing my eardrums
As memories begin to surface.
Memories I have pushed down,
Memories of loneliness,
Of loss.
The darkness behind my eyelids begins to take shape.
Shapeshifting to the monster in my closet,
To the one under my bed,
The boy in the mirror.
I lay still.
The boy in the mirror is crying,
Screaming for help,
He bangs on the glass and I shrink back,
I neglect him and his feelings.
I lay still. I try to open my eyes,
I can not.
I press play but the music does not pierce my internal silence.
I can not move.
I stand at the top of a building.
My feet are tingling,
My palms are sweating.
I begin to walk.
I look to the concrete,
It seems so welcoming,
It encourages me.
Approval.
The space between me and the concrete begins to turn a red hue.
My heart is pounding and the concrete calls my name.
I fall.
Not forward,
Backwards.
Back onto the building.
As my back comes into concrete with the roof I fall through it.
My eyes shoot open and I **** up.
The music is continuing to play.
I flip through song after song,
The search continues.
A search for a song that will satisfy my ears.
A song that fulfills my desires.
A song that brings my emotions into focus.
Not just any song.
A song that will keep away the silence and the darkness,
Until I learn how to myself.
September 8, 2018 || 9:52 PM
