i feel like i'm never somewhere in the middle, just high in the moment or down in the dumps

i hardly feel present during the day and always feel like there's something missing when i lay awake at night

but i wake up anyway to a life i don't deserve
with a warm shower and a/c in the summer
so i feel indebted to everything i am grateful for
but when i'm home i don't eat my mom's food without feeling guilty that i haven't done anything to deserve it
and when i'm away i don't answer calls because i get tired of telling my mom not to worry
when really i don't know what i'm doing

yet i'm still counted on to someday finance the life my mom deserves but can't even think ahead further than two weeks
and feel the internal pressure to be a big brother to my siblings but get impatient trying to read along with them

at times i think i'd be more at ease if my family forgot about me and dropped their hopes and expectations that i can't live up to

but all i know is every day i wake up to a life i don't deserve
so one day i hope late nights working will be the reason for the constant bags under my eyes
and that i can find joy in pursuing goals that include repaying debts instead of chasing pleasure in the things i use to procrastinate

I just feel so small and everything else is so huge and it keeps piling up on me, smothering me, until all I can see and breath is this wall of musts and responsibility and endless tasks and emotions that won't stop pressing up in my throat and I can't cry, I just don't take the time to do it, everything else is too demanding that I can't even do that, and I don't remember anymore how to relax my shoulder or unclench my jaw and I just can't see any pause ahead, no oasis of breathing deeply again in the near future, no space for just me to be.

He was tired of his whole life
Every breath he took killed him at a time
And each of it felt like a debt on his life,
In the darkness he followed the only source of light,
In the way he collided with himself whom he had lost in a while,
Talked with him for the whole long night,and
Listened that One must strive to find his own voice,
We are not kite that just moves when someone guide,
We need to find a way inside
that connects our heart to the world outside,
Be a maverick and sail against the tide,
Hold your ground and Dont carry the burden of lie,
Nobody should hinder his life just by working to survive
Never deny the passion of your life,
one must not disguise by following other's intent of life,
And the longer you will wait to rise, the far it  would go from your sight.

Putting the pencil to the page is like watching your favorite band live on stage.
Your heart starts pumping. And for a moment, you can forget all of your pressure. All your regret

I want to know why.
I want to know how.
I want to know what's on your mind right now.
I want to know what you've seen.
I want to know your pain
So maybe someday I can relieve
Some of the pressure
That suffocates your brain.

Pressure in my head
Pressure in my heart
All this pressure from society
Is tearing me apart.
They try to tell me what to want.
Try to tell me who to be.
Starting to feel like freedom's
Just a fallacy.
If I can't be by your side
With a thought to call my own,
Maybe it's time for me to leave.
Maybe I'm better off alone.
I thought I'd miss your kiss.
I thought I'd miss your smile.
And I won't lie,
They cross my mind
every once in a while.
But then I remember who I am.
I remember who I want to be.
and I remember how good it feels
When the pressure's off of me.

Sometimes I wish I could go back,
To when I was a child, innocent and young,
To that dream like perspective, safe from
Pressure and responsibility,
When the world was bright and beautiful

How a simple walk through the neighborhood,
Brought excitement with the sight of,
The little birds,
Perched atop the liquor store,
Or the towering plan trees,
High above our heads

How the same sights,
Now ignored and meaningless,
As we walk by, now chasing 'dreams',
Now walking through the bleak abyss of maturity.