Sometimes
when I look in the mirror
i'm startled to see
me

When
I scrub off the pen lines
odd bits of makeup
all that's left is me

I stand there
bare and trembling
these are the pieces of me
and maybe I'm starving

but at least
I can feel myself smiling
because
these are the marks of my survival

To my abuser,

I know you will never
be attached to me
the way I am attached to you,

but dear,
that's because you are broken
and you're addicted to
projecting your pain,

and I'm here picking up
all of my pieces,
trying to heal.

i sit here in bed, staring at the ceiling above me.

the thought of you floats into my mind,

the way the wrinkles form around your eyes when you laugh.

the way your hazel eyes look in the sunlight, changing color at times from green to brown. i would always grab your chin and look into your eyes while you moved them around so i couldn't see.

sometimes i would stare at you while your worked and smile whenever you would get excited and say "i really do this"

when it was time to sleep, I would sometimes run my fingers through your hair to soothe you to sleep. you'd wrap your arms tight around me and id smile while burying my head in your chest.

my favorite things to do with you would be watching movies while being wrapped in each others arms, going out for walks, those rare times you take me for a long drive.

everything slowly changed,

you stopped sending me cute messages.
you stopped caring about my feelings.
you stopped hugging me at night.
you stopped going out with me.
you stopped holding my hand.
you stopped sharing things with me.
you stopped wiping my tears from my eyes.

your heart that I once held my in hands was pulled back while you still held onto mine. however it slipped out from your hands and you left all the broken pieces on the ground for me to clean up and piece back together.

never ending possibilities
of you, and i;
tearing you apart in pieces,
scattering away your happiness.

I got used so much with your words that it’s the only thing that I’m trusting between us. But by the time you hold me with your arms, I never thought I could love you more than I am giving.

I admit, the world is really scary for us, yet there were no days that went by of me thinking ‘why’d you still choose me?’. But I never heard you stutter on how much you would love to choose me countless times.  

Here we are, hiding under our blankets while sharing the moments being alone together and how we just realized we’re too comfortable with our own skin.

But blankets can’t hide us long, can it?

When the fire catches your house
and there's no way to douse
They say
- get your precious belongings
out of it
Lest they turn to rubble
and cause you the trouble...
And One day
My heart caught fire
So I went inside
to collect the pieces
of our memories
and then
Watched the whole heart
burst into flames..

A puzzle I am
You wont figure me out
A puzzle I am
You will not find all my pieces
A puzzle I am
You wont put me back together
A puzzle I am
You see the broken, tattered pieces
A puzzle I am
You did never solve

you can
pick me apart
piece by piece.

I promise you
that I can
handle the pain.

experiment on me,
sedate me,
cut me open
and study me.
I can take it.

all I ask is that
when you put me
back together again,
please leave my trauma
out on the operating table.