I like believing people when they say that actions speak louder than words. I heard I miss yous the loudest when you kissed my hands, I love yous deafened me when your lips met mine. I knew I hold the world when my arms wrapped around you and you reciprocated the sweetness that coated us.

I think that's how it works, you show me and I think. I will think what I want it to mean.

After so many wordless but apparent moments that I put wholehearted conviction that are true, you finally showed proof.

I heard a glass breaking when you dropped my hands. I watched your back slowly fading away, and the gusty space between us whispered to me with suddenness, "it's over."

I looked into your eyes, but you looked away.
You mouthed no word, but I clearly heard.
Although I tried to deny,
your silence sounded like goodbye.

Predatory traces remain amongst the spread soot
The ashes that bore the incentive of a smile
A lonely ribbon flew along the scene - it was caught;
Grasped by the canids of a desperate pastime.

"Papa, can you hear me?"
"I will be holding the candles today"
"You have returned at last..."
"... but why did you leave again?"

Muffled screams, stinging pain, faint echoing of what remains,
The vitality that lingered in the sun,
Disappeared, in its stern gleam.

Trails of anguish resonate through the field, a grand feast
Clotted tufts, sent with grief, are held and spread over the field
My dearest father,
When the light shone down and revealed its deceit,
A realm that struck me headfirst, belittling me,
As you dance with the wind, I cry for an eternity.

The hounds of decay sing a melody, so daunting, intimidating tones
In deafening ecstasy, the games the shepherds play,
The ceasing of a prosperous juvenescence, killing feisty innocence.

In a loud cascade, the scenery deteriorates
Lush wisps of fire, dulled petals flourish in the wind
Dim embers, odoriferous leaves that dwindle amongst the feet
In anger they remained at the efflorescent poppies
The putrid grave that yielded

The warmth of the snow felt enticing, exciting
The numbed senses within the blank slate.

"I will be home tonight"
"Crying in the darkness"
"For my dearest smile..."

"... exists no more."

These feelings are so loud
I cannot hear anything else.
Determined to drown them out,
I dare you
to do your damnedest
to demolish my eardrums
with decibels meant to devastate.
I want to be crushed
by a falling wall
of bone-breaking,
soul-shaking
sound,
please,
surround me
with suffocating blankets
of sonic booms.

What is this silence that seems to remain in place?
The only thing I hear is the ringing of white noise surrounding me.
Its the only thing keeping me sane.

Slowly it fades away leaving complete emptiness.
I close my eyes and focus on my own sounds.
Breathing, Heartbeat; To keep myself in check.

None of it seems to really matter anymore though.
The one thing that  used to keep the silence away has faded into nothingness.
Leaving me with only myself to use as a weapon against it.

I must remain strong.
I must remain loud.
I must remain.

I can't hear
over the sound
of this silence
can't breathe,
can't think,
but god,
can I feel.
drowning
crouched in a corner
in a ball curling tighter
and tighter
trying to block out the sound
of this silence
my mind filling it
with paranoia
and insecurity
so
so loud
as I try desperately
to ignore it
to not
misjudge or second guess it
but this silence
is aching
and leaves me quaking
so
so loud
and no matter how much background noise
I add
chattering numbly away
filling the space with
blabber
it's still there
looming
growing
encroaching on my space
as I crouch in my corner
and curl into a ball
tighter
and tighter
trying to get away from it
and this silence
is
so
so loud.

Dark clouds drift overhead
I am looking up
You are looking down
We should be looking ahead

For your sake
For my sake
Four our sakes

I look down
You look up
We make eye contact
Before turning away again

Here we are again
I guess you can hear the violence within in my silence
I don't hear anything from you

Maybe I'm deaf
Maybe I stopped listening to others
Who knows

I don't want to let go
Yet here I am
Thinking and thinking

Looking down at the red thread
Holding the scissors in my hand
Unsure of what to do

The world used to be so quiet
Way back before there were so many people,
The far past,
And when I had a young body,
And my ears didn’t work,
The recent past,
It was so quiet.
But I can’t hide under covers and behind drawn curtains for the rest of my life.
I want to be in the outside,
I want miles to explore,
For things to be far,
So they have to be worth it,
To get them.
And for there to be enough silence
That when a single thing happens,
I can hear it from far away.
I’m tired of running away from the noise all the time,
Being chased into corners,
Locking the doors behind me quickly,
Earplugs,
Earbuds,
Sunglasses after sundown,
Anything to create a barrier.
I’m not a person who likes walls,
But they’ve been my friends and family,
For twenty-one years now.
If it weren’t for the people,
I would embrace a world without walls,
Without buffers and veils and masks,
But the people are loud,
So loud,
That even when I feel a small,
Pebble-sized
Sense of peace,
I must tuck it away,
It’s not to be enjoyed,
Because it’ll be shattered by the people
And their voices
And their cars
And their phones
And their computers
And their people toys
And their people games
And even in the quietest corner
Of the most isolated, abandoned building,
I can still hear
The people noise.

I think about you all.
(now and then)
I remember it all - everything we shared -
and I think about being connected to you again.
I think about where you are, and who you are.
(now, and then)
I remember what being loved by you and loving you
was.
I think about loving you again.
All of you.