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I was taught i would know
To whom i would go
When my fingers would fit between theirs

So i held many hands
But none fit so then
I let go and began to despair

So when i held yours first
In my sad mind i cursed
Cause the answer proved same as before

But when i pulled away
You held on and you said
You believed that we could be much more

Then I felt your hands change
Fingers start to arrange
Soon enough mine too had done the same

And before my own eyes
I saw my precious prize
For enduring and winning this game

Your fingers and mine
Fit together just fine
And to this day with you i remain
Love is hard work and not perfect from the start
You told me to be kind
And kind i was
You told me to be true
And true i was

You told me to believe
And believe i did
You told me to be giving
And give i did

But now
Now i can't fight

Too kind to defend
Too weak to defend
Too true to pretend
Too naive to pretend

Too faithful to take control
Too delusional for that
Too giving, i gave it all
Now i have nothing left

Why did you make me
So beautiful and bright
When i would live in a world
That would eat up all light

I didn't know i'd have to lie in interviews
I didn't know i'd have to fight when words failed
I didn't know god wouldn't always save me
I didn't know i'd have to keep things for myself

I didn't know about the real world
But we all have to adapt to the real world i guess. I just think it's ****** up we're told as kids to be all these textbook nice things when you actually need to be the opposite to survive this ***** of an existence.
I don't believe anything
I'm so tired of watching my back
For nothing

Or is it nothing?
What if it's something?
Do they see me as something?

Something to toy with
Something to talk about
Behind my back with

I love her i do
But i'm terrified too
That she's toying with me

Whenever i leave
Her arms and her sight
She tells them of our night

And they laugh
For i'm so foolish
To think anyone would love me

I love him i do
My brother i've trusted
For years since we climbed trees

But when i see him
Talk to people i've
Never met

And they laugh
His lips make my name
Did he ever think of me the same?

But i dont know
If it's all in my head
And i dont want to lose them

If i lose them
There's nobody left
I just wish i could be sure of if they were lying to me

Or if i was lying to me
God i hope
It's just me lying to me
Wish i could stop thinking that everyone i know is just watching me believe i matter to them and laughing at my stupidity.
Ruined my life
Made it a ****
It wasn't my fault i can finally tell

******* for making me make my decisions
Based off of your ****** own ****** religions
Why would i care about going to heaven when i've survived **** through your dreams and your passions

What i'm about to do i'll make sure involves you (as always)
What i will do will be all about you (as always)
Let this not be about me and my weakness
But a megaphone broadcasting inhumanness

Here's one last vow
Before i end it all
YOU ******* ****
I'LL MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR FALL
If i **** myself i won't act like i was okay or that i loved you despite everything, i wont pretend to be ******* beautiful or whatever, i ******* hate you, i hope i ruin your life, i'll die in rage that i'll make sure lives past my death.
Mother, father, friends and family
Thanks for the bricks you've thrown at me
I've been using them to build the wall
From behind which i'll end it all
Everytime abuse happens, it feels like the person dishing it out is throwing bricks at you, figuratively or literally. The weight of the bricks never get lesser or go away. So you end up using them. You build a wall around yourself to protect yourself, from friend or foe, and everything that blurs that line. If you get enough bricks and close yourself off completely within the wall, well, you can do whatever you want. You can stop everything.
  Jan 2018 Filomena Shuroksha
Ryan Long
To Marissa whom I love
the woman of my life
‎my dearest and closest friend
The one about to be my wife

8 years ago in a co-op class
Twas the place that we first met
I loved you from that moment on
Though I didn't know it yet

End of the school year
And parted ways did we
Different directions for a time
The Lord did have us be

Lessons to learn
and morals to keep
Growing in spirit
Our faith in Christ growing deep

Many years later,
Under the fire work lit sky
I finally asked you out
And yes was your reply

I fell in love with
That sparkle in your eye
Deep and blue like the sea
And bright as the sky

I fell in love with your laugh
So joyful and carefree
A testament to God's love
That resides in you and me

I fell in love with you
The peace to my chaos
My calm and balance
Without you I'd be at a loss

I stand here now ready
My vows to pledge to you
Promises of faith and love
And of trials to weather through

I promise to love you
For the rest of my days
I just hope you'll put up with me
And all my crazy ways

I promise to be strong
A shelter ever steady
A place to rest and be at peace
I will always be ready

To hold you tight and close
If comfort is what you desire
Or to simply be a listening ear
When you need to vent your ire

I promise to express
Just how much I love you
Every day for the rest of our lives
Starting now by saying I do
My wedding vows I said this last Saturday to my beautiful wife!
Good Morning, Miss Natalie
I'm fine, how are you?
A spell of politeness and flattery
Specially written for you.

Holy f*cking ****, Alex
If we get caught, we're so *******
Energy unbound, mischief abound
Spells i cast to keep up with you.

I'm fine, don't worry, Mother.
I love you but you must let me write these myself
Silenced lips, secrets and the curse of respect
Wards protecting the fears i shove in the back of my shelf
.
.
.
hey...you...
i missed you today

you press your face,
mumbling, into the palm of my hand
my grimoire begins melting
the spells dripping from where i stand

i caress your cheeks with my thumbs
small circles,
gentle, light
the utter safety of what i can trust to be true

i have no need for spells around you.
Day after day i have to cast spells on myself to get by. It's gotten to the point where i don't know if anything i do is genuine. Always being on guard, trying to figure out what spell to use, has exhausted me. I'm thankful that i have one sanctuary.
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