What is it for?
All this turmoil, the inner battles
I have with myself each day to try to keep floating

What is it for?
And what is the point of floating anyway
If it causes these controls?

What is it for?
Do I even have to be what I am?
What  they  say I am?

What is it for?
All my life's work to be seen as a life wasted


Unsure and confused
About what it's all for.

I am white clouds
Immobile
Blue sky drifting
Apart from me cicadas buzz loudly
Bare back on hot cedar planks
Mindfulness in bloom
Ideas like dandelion seeds
Arise before floating beyond the roof line
I am time—
The lawnmover engine turns,
reality returns.

A crack in my mirror, right in the centre
splits my image into a thousand pieces
versions of myself never quite realised
all that I am and all that I could be
each fragment a glimpse into a path not chosen
fingers reaching out to touch the glass
dipping into the reflection, a pool of possibility
if only I could crawl through the looking glass
or break on through to the other side
would I miss this place
am I happier there

It’s so loud out here
my edges curl  
and shrivel inward until I am
quiet
the thick bones of my neck collapse
weary from holding up a head
that wants to bow over in despair
but there is a tug
on my heartstrings
and it leads me to the surface
where all the wars are fought
“this is not where you belong”
it whispers
and takes my hand
to guide me under again
“here, where roots are deep, this is the refuge you seek.”

Esther Krenzin

“He looks homeless”
“Can she speak English?”
“It’s hard to take her seriously”

These thoughts have always been with me
Steeped into my thoughts
Into my beliefs
Into my actions

They hide around the corners of my mind
Always part of the background
Or they are front and center
Impossible to unsee

Sometimes I can label them in the moment
Classist
Racist
Sexist

Sometimes I can only see their influence with the distance of time
Or through another’s eyes

Where do they come from
How do they shape me
How do they shape everyone around me

How much of my essence is mine?
How many of my thoughts originate outside of me?

I think I’ll never fully know

All I can do
All we can do

Is label
Set aside
And look again

I learned the true beauty of the darkness
How awe-inspiring it was
When my shadow took the lead
And brought me to my clarity

I am in search of myself.
Tell me if you find even a glimpse

I am the confident one strutting in the sunshine.
Or am I the shadow lurking in the rims?

I am the sky engulfing all the emotions.
Or am I the weather yet another passing phase?
Mirroring the emotion of people around me,
An empty shell my inner pearl I chase.

Stop my traces from fading.
Stop me from changing again.
All I want is to feel something.
a chill, a thrill, but never mundane...

All I want is to search myself,
Before my identity is forever in eclipse.
Guide me how, guide me now or,
Tell me if you find even a glimpse.