I am in search of myself.
Tell me if you find even a glimpse

I am the confident one strutting in the sunshine.
Or am I the shadow lurking in the rims?

I am the sky engulfing all the emotions.
Or am I the weather yet another passing phase?
Mirroring the emotion of people around me,
An empty shell my inner pearl I chase.

Stop my traces from fading.
Stop me from changing again.
All I want is to feel something.
a chill, a thrill, but never mundane...

All I want is to search myself,
Before my identity is forever in eclipse.
Guide me how, guide me now or,
Tell me if you find even a glimpse.

I pluck my flowers everyday
easy to wither away
the garderns' getting older
and the grass live a little longer;
the flowers' have withered away
the gardens' barren again.
lifes' a muse.
call for the bail,
the sins that i commit while i live
are only going to lead me to death.

In the dressing room-
Mirror upon mirror,
Folded just right,
Creating a continuum
Of dimensions in which
I stand in silent observation,
Am I the man I see
(Or wish I saw)
Or am I merely A man-
Like any other?

Over time I dissolve,
My vision shattering me
Into the parts that
Make up my body-
The veins on the back of my hand,
The knuckle dislocated, offset
By some long-forgotten
Trauma ignited by an impotent rage
At not having the right words-
The brown in my eye that reflects
The look of a father who gifted
Me this, and nothing else.
The creases that time has carved
In my smile-
A testament to the unforgiving
Desert sun’s ability
To break me down-
To the heart’s inability
To ever truly forgive,
Let alone forget.
Am I not greater than the sum
Of these parts?

I am all that the mirrors
Reflect upon themselves,
The testament to
What air and heat and gravity
Have imposed upon me.
But within the blood
coursing beneath
The skin, lives every song
That broke me, every poem
That fractured me,
Every sunrise I waited up
For, to tuck me in,
Every ocean wave that
Moved my small
insignificant self
Along the grainy
unforgiving strand,
Every kiss that destroyed me,
In the most perfect of ways-
And in those I am not
Merely a man-
I just Am.

For a moment--
            
                         I was sad that he left me.


But then I realized--


                          It was I who left him.

love was unknown to me,
like the girl who saw
the same piece of jewelry everyday,
as she passed the same crossroad for home
but never felt it on her skin.
for it's too costly than the mint paper
and too cheap for an open heart.

Alone another night, victim to my mind
Trying to write the feelings down, scratch that and rewrite
None of the words and sentences accenting the pain enough
I am tired of this replaying movie, can it stop?
Manifest something different as the sun descends
Hoping that I can have a partner in crime to cry to
Another lonely night hoping that Clyde can save my life
Maybe not save per se but alleviate this pain
Of being stray harboring waterfalls of strain
Give me a rush like ******* but do not hurt me the same
Waiting for my Clyde in vain
Let us wait

Aghast was the feeling within,
the moment I heard saying,
"The grudge in me never ceases,
If I look at you, it upsurges."
What was that? Hatred or Jealousy?

Together we grew,
Together we played,
Together we enjoyed,
But she was loved more.
What was that? The age or Comparison?

Appreciated for her appearance,
Admired for the best smile,
Pampered for the sweet talks,
Gradually grew the inner bitterness unaware,
Igniting in her, the spark of arrogance uncompared.
As I was placed ever in contradiction.
What was that? Seed of praise or despise?

The child in us possessed the love,
while in the name of maturity the gap stretched,
The silence took deep breaths
Between each conversation
We, the alike thinkers
Now parted with difference.
The daughters of two sisters,
Misunderstanding cultivated the distress.
What was that? Distance or Belief?

The question still perplexed
Whose fault was that?
The childhood innocence ripped with arrogance?
Or
The comparison that planted the vengeance?
But ultimately, it is the misconception established with pride.

Now after these many years,
the love in me for her never faded
but grew more when we by chance interacted.
What was that? The pure love or move on?

Having the belief that our thoughts were alike,
My heart ceased not to pour my inner feelings,
As my childhood pal, my sister, my twin.
But still the ignorance in me continued to control,
My maturity to understand the completely changed person.
It took sometime to get in my senses
that her eyes looked hither and thither
with lies unrelated,
and conversations proposed,
not to share but to grasp
whenever connected virtually.
What was that? A changed self or Gossip Monger?

The vengeance inside gradually
turned to revengeful remorse.
And the love had turned to blame,
With pierce striken words she poked
Of accusations and falsehoods,
But none seemed to disturb me.
What was that? Mellow in me or Her immaturity?

With composed tone, I did stand for me,
confidently, a new me,
neither raised my voice,
nor reacted losing my poise,
but assured that in her life,
"Never could you forget to remember me and never, remember to forget me."
What was that?
A blessing from a mellowed soul.

————————————————

I'm in love with a lover
Who is loved by another
and I'd die just to see you
smile at me.

He's the son of a daughter
Who is married to his father
And they're all the children
Of humanity.

I'm stronger in sorrow
I carry till tomorrow
And I'm productive
In insanity

As I chase the devil
The path becomes narrow
And I hate the incarnation
Of profanity.

Here I am.
Do you see me?

I am lost
I'm alone
Lead me to my
Destiny.

I am man.
All men are me.
And I live with this truth
Vicariously.

I'm indebted to your kindness
My lord, you are the finest
And there's no denying
Reality.

I have found my purpose
Help me to stay focused
And save me from your
Calamity.