It took me five years
To find red lipstick wearing courage

It took you five days
To steal it


-ARI

I am not a sealed container that has not been purchased
I cannot be bought with paper and stacks of bills, I am not what you get out of currency
Shuffle me in between categories, I am only a human being
I am not replaceable, despite my claim for it
I am not a pleasure box, I am not toys, I am not an object
You cannot talk me out of my resistance
If my doors are locked, you cannot welcome yourself inside, forced entry is what they call it
You are compelled by urges I do not want to satisfy,
When all I want is a conversation, but filth is all that roams your mind
Your apologies are sorry's that emerge into a sea of forgotten,
And my feelings keep towering over my guard that was built for protection and fighting
But tell me this, if I said "no", then why are we still talking?

n.j.

I was on my way to a party
Dressed in heels and a crop top
When I entered the corner store
To purchase some snacks
And on my way to the cashier
A man standing in an aisle
Browsing through peanuts
Glanced up and stopped mid-search
When I clicked past him
And proceeded to uncomfortably stare

I walked into the gas station
Wearing dark wash jeans and a v-neck
With my best friend at 2 AM
When two drunken men stumbled in
And began eyeing us up and smirking
My friend leaned in to me and whispered,
     "I'm really scared."
Overhearing her, one man elbowed the other
And with a smile on his face taunted,
          "Oh no, we're scaring them."

I was at the laundry mat one night
Wearing shorts and a baggy shirt
When a middle aged man across the room
Kept gawking at me from over the washers
Uneasy, I went outside to smoke
To which he stood at the window
And kept a close eye on me
I called a friend and stayed on the phone
Because I was afraid to go back
And get my clothes alone

I stepped out of my vehicle
In my sweatpants and flipflops
To grab some cigarettes quick
When a white bearded man
Was already at my heels
"Hey, how're you honey?"
I quickly replied, "fine".
And hurried into the store
Without looking back

It seems like every time I leave the house
It doesn't matter what I'm wearing
It could be "provocative" or a burlap sack
I always end up feeling threatened
     Heartbeat in my ears
          Cold sweat on my back
So don't blame it on my outfit
Don't blame it on my actions
Because I'm not asking for it
I just want to be left alone

Being a girl in my day and age,
you get used to all the horn honks,
the wolf whistles,
and the "hey baby's",
and the guys saying "you're too pretty not to smile",
as though not having a smile on my face at all times is a sin.
But why should I smile when harassment becomes normal,
when a girl can't report it because even the police thinks she should be flattered,
but why should I be flattered that a guy wants to see up my dress so much that he 'accidentally' pushes it up,
why should I be flattered when a guy can't even use words so he whistles at me like I'm a dog.
But I am not a *****,
I cannot be won over by a whistle and sweet words,
no scratch behind my ears in the form of some misogynistic pick up line,
will give you a chance.
And if I laugh at your poor attempt,
it is not consent,
just because my lips curl into a smile,
does not mean you can come curl up with me.
My self worth does not exist on how fuckable I am in your perverted eyes,
it is not existent on if you want to 'hit that',
if you were to hit anything it should be your mindset that that is okay,
right out of your head.
Because I am not an object for your pleasure,
and I object to you treating me like I am.
I AM!
I AM!
I AM!
A WOMAN!
Built from all the things a man could never be.
And don't you ever ******* forget it.

July 11th, 2014. I saw you.

I mustered up the nerve to talk to you. I didn't think I'd ever see you again.

July 19th, 2014. Well, I saw you again.

And you knew who I was. My heart skipped maybe 10 beats when I heard you say "Yeah, I remember you!"

November 23, 2014. I was the one who purposely saw you.

We had somewhat kept in touch, even though I desired more than just "keeping in touch." You made me feel alive.

January 18th, 2015. Most likely the last time I could say that I saw you.

We didn't talk, but you looking me right in the eyes and smiling, that made up for it.

February 2015. You said "I miss you, darling."

March 2015. You said "Your voice sounds beautiful, darling."

"Make me happy, darling."

"You should be happy I'm talking to you, darling."

"It makes me sad when you don't do what I want, darling."

April 2015. Silence. I couldn't tell if the guilt you made me feel made me miss you more or less.

May 2015.  Exposed. I was a victim of your mind games. I wasn't the only one. Someone broke the silence that broke your success.

May 2015. You say "I'm embarrassed."

I say "so am I."

A few forgetful moments
And I am littered with paper cuts.
Each tear is a page: a meaning: a reason.

I am encased with quilts and a
Bubbling love, but the chills
And demons find their way through.

I was told
Explicitly
To pull my head out of my ***,
Because struggling with education, depression, and
Harassment
Is inconvenient for others.

I forgot to reline the trash can in the bathroom.

Dear diary,
I almost hurt myself again today. Its been over ten months since I did it last, but you know what a ***** life is.
See ya later!

***** reminds me of rainbows,
And vice-verse.
My stomach is thunder.

I don't have enough tears to make it rain,
But I might **** enough.

What should I do with my life?
I make decisions and
Work my *** off more than any
16 year old I know,
And care for others in any way I can
In hope that they will return the favor when I need it,
But I'm still ignorant and selfish, says she.

Sometimes I wonder which way is up
And right. A nervous tick of mine.
A moody strand of my being.
Trying to connect to reality, but curving...

Do you enjoy* causing trouble wherever you go?
Do you enjoy hurting people wherever you go?
Do you enjoy disturbing the peace we work towards?
Do you enjoy threatening the dreams we fight for?
Do you enjoy making problems for people?
Do you enjoy creating evil after evil?
Do you enjoy forcing others to cry?
Do you enjoy pushing others to die?

"Oh honey that's terrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I promise I will only take it when I have no other option,"
you said to me when I told you about my mother's addiction to Xanax.
"I love the way you kiss me. Every single kiss is just as passionate as the next,"
you said to me after kissing you for the hundredth time.
"I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want our days to be just like this,"
you said to me as we laid on your bed in our underwear.

"You're going to have to try for me honey, I'm not some 18 year old boy,"
you said to me while I straddled you and kissed your neck.
"Here honey, maybe this will help,"
you said to me as you sent me an article about how to pleasure a man.
"If you're going to start working out, you can't do anything with your upper arms...If you do that then you'll lose weight in your ******* and make them even more lopsided,"
you said to me when I wanted to get in better shape.

"It would have been better if you called me first instead of your friend,"
you said to me when I called you to tell you my grandfather died.
"Why are you leaving? We had plans! Are you breaking up with me?,"
you said to me when I left to be with my family after my grandfather's death.
"Drew, I am going to **** myself. I can't take this anymore. I'm just going to go driving and not come home,"
you said to me after my grandfather's funeral.

"I can't do this anymore. We need to move on and go our separate ways."

"Can we still be friends?,"
you said to me after trying to put up a fight

"Yes"

"Who are you with?,"
you said to me after I didn't answer your call.
"You're on a date aren't you?,"
you said to me once you figured it out.
"We need to talk. Get out of the car and let's walk."
you said to me after waiting in front of my house to get home.

"You were on a date? Are you kidding me? After telling me you want to be alone? What the actual **** Drew?"
you said to me on our walk.
"I hate you,"
you said to me after yelling at me for an hour and a half.
"You're a monster. You are acting like a *****. You know what? No. You're not acting like a *****. You ARE a *****. You're a ******* *****,"
you said to me after telling me that you will never call me a *****.

I want to **** myself. Leave me, please.

"No, I'm not leaving,"*
you said to me as I cried for an hour.
"Its okay, Drew. You need to breathe. You're going to pass out soon you need to relax,"
you said to me as a panic attack settled in.
"Let's go get you some water and Advil,"
you said after the crying and panicking ceased.

"You're a *****."
you said to me after my emotional breakdown.
"Happy New Year's,"
you said as you kissed me when it hit midnight.
"See you tomorrow,"
you said as you left me even more of an emotional disaster than before.

We can try and be friends again but that's it. Nothing more.

"Drew, I am so glad we could be friends again."
you said to me as we tried this one last time.
"I've missed you."
you said as you straddle me in the backseat of your mom's car.
"I love you,"
you said to me as you planted your lips onto mine.

I think we're toxic for each other. I think we should go our separate ways.

"Toxic? TOXIC? Take me back to Michael's. NOW."
you said to me as your face changed to pure anger.
"You're a ******* monster. A *****,"
you said to me as you slammed the car door shut.
"You're a worthless *******. You're a waste of space,"
you said to me as I drove down that dark, windy road.

"No wonder everyone around you has to pop Xanax. No one ever knows what they'll get from you that day. One day its 'I love you' and the next it's, 'you're toxic,'"
you said to me as your voice progressively got louder and louder.
"I'm going to finally **** myself now. Thank you so much, Drew. For finally giving me the chance to do it. And when I do, you better believe I'll be coming back to make your life a living hell."
you said to me as tears distorted my vision.
"I promise I'm going to **** myself. And I keep my promises,"
you said to me as you squeezed my thigh.

You scare me.

"Oh Drew, I am so sorry."
you said to me, your voice quiet and broken.
"I'll take an anger management class. I am so sorry,"
you said to me as tears flooded your eyes.
"I love you see you tomorrow,"
you said to me as you kissed me goodnight.

I’ve been conditioned
like freshly washed hair
for years
do not offend
unless the end of the sentence is “im sorry”
let the shoes and boots and heels of many make indents on you
like blueprints of demurity swaddled in insecurity
kept alive by the blurry ideas i once held about femininity
because i couldn't be a girl if the words that flew from my chords
were anything but rosy
ring around the Josie, pockets full of suppose he was to compliment your ****
when walking down a thorough-fair
busy people back and forth and grandmas with wrinkled sweaters
thank you
muttered from chapped lips and an even more chapped psyche
why must i keep my wits about to not risk making him angry
that was not complimentary but i am fearful he might spit my words back onto me
in the form of fists and slurs and honestly
im tired
of being the sidewalk beneath the feet of creeps
i am the sky and the trees and the moon
but i do not speak with the wisdom of travelling seeds
i speak with the warmth and subtlty of freshly microwaved milk
like soft silk i wish i could tatter
i wish venom soaked words could be spit in response to your “compliments”
but i would rather let you diminish me for the few moments it takes to objectify me
than to risk angering your inner beast and suffering the consequences of meninism or masculinism
whatever the word is this week
i will not be another number
ink soaked paper red with the monthly bloodshed of the sisters
every second is another unspeakable act
i see women
with tongues as round and large as planets
and tonsils the size of solar systems
birthing new galaxies in the words they speak
and shooting comets like fiery ***** of comebacks
when that slack-jawed fool sat and wished and drooled
into his monthly issue of mens rights magazine
she tore down the even minuscule belief he could have had that he had the right to comment on her body
in three seconds his pride, and entitlement
shifted into shame
and embarrassment
and i envy these women
because the only time i can take back my power
is when i am standing in front of a room
speaking rhymes and metaphors preaching independence and strength
to a group of people who now think i am a hero
i am not a hero
i put my shoes on one foot at a time
and i still manage to forget a couple days of birth control here and there
and i cant stand up for myself
in the moments after an attack i retreat into my latte and pray today will not be the day the male dominated society takes my power away
because i am small
and though i am growing every day
i still can only pray
that one way or another
i will be able to be as strong a woman as my sisters
my mother
and take back my power
and speak not with the beauty of a flower
but with the sharpness of a bumblebees sting
and one more thing
your compliments
are not complimentary