8/27/16

you flirt with me innocently through a receipt
my last night at here
and for the last three months i tried to justify the casual verbal and physical ****** harassment that was happening before me - to me
because he was easy on the eyes
and he dressed up ***** words to make them sound poetic and pretty
and anything but romantic
nobody had to ask why i was leaving because i didn't tell anyone except for the managers - all but one
the one who is known for this pattern of taking us naïve girls to the beer cooler in the back
to do anything but what was gentlemanly
and i ate up every single line like they were candy hearts
because he made my head blow up like a balloon
he's in there now
smiling like nothing's wrong
and when it's blatantly obvious that everything about what he does is so wrong - even illegal - that's what merits a "what's wrong"
and i don't know why i still love you
because you haven't once attempted any of the things you said you would
you've just pulled me so fearlessly close that i have to get as far away as possible because the "l" word scares me
and you would rather her than i
and you're caged up in the same home as someone you probably have to share a bed with even though you don't want to
you blame it all on the way your parents raised you
and the nightmare your mother had
meanwhile i would've cared for you relentlessly
and i do?

"I hope you heal all the wounds you want to heal"

I feel a presence,
As if it tickles the back of my ear.
Subtle and warming, reaching and playcating.
Amassed by the sound, I walk forward, stumbling and dumbfounded.
Tripping over pebbles like mountains. It wasn't who I thought I was, it was you..

How many wish their days were different.
Just how far would one force the wheel back.
How many hours and seconds feel wasted.
On people.
Phone calls that last into the a.m.
Sleepless nights.
Wakeless days.
We call them day dreams.
Because when night falls.
Only nightmares await.
What is it called when the terror recedes due to repetition.
So many ache for a life less frightening.
Constantly swerving to avoid shadows.
Disregarding the dotted lines left by those that embrace an unknown.
That will never be traversed again.
Creating a fear of mistakes.
That only feed the ever growing mass which ironically will never know growth.  
It is too​ perpetual to be called stagnant.
And we have yet to see just how much will be consumed.
It's only when a distinction can be made.
That will cause such a drastic shift in paradigm.
Sending tremors of enlightenment and damnation alike back to the epicenter.
Just to shake down what meager sandcastle stand.
Can one breathe life.
When so many forget to inhale.
Then ****** themselves into an endless void.
which should never have been undertaken to begin with.
Like trying to start a car without first getting out of bed.
Then realize only a tire-less bicycle is all that sits in the drive way.
One Should fear.
For sometimes it is the only drive that can be counted on.

Are you still there?
Can you hear me?
I can almost feel you
skirting around the outside of my awareness
subsiding in my periphery
I still want you
  but not for my self
I still hear you
  but not speaking in prose to me
I still feel your fire
  but only as an afterthought
Days and months have passed
Still some small part of you remains
Will it be weeks and months
until your presence is gone?
Do I even want that..
Want you absent
Permanently
Unseen
Unfelt
Unheard
A ghost
A spectre of something lost
found and lost again.

Whatever happens - I am ready
No fears, only excitement
Whatever happens, nothing bothers
Here I am, no suffering, no more

Embracing every obstacle
Like in a game
Even if I got too much out of the frame
Whatever happens, I am ready now
No questioning, no doubts
Playing around
So happy
Being me
That's what I like to be

You say in order to
move forward,
I must comply
with your said,
way.

Yet it is not a matter of forward love,
or that I MUST ever stay,
we are both moving forward,
it always seems the way,
as I am sure the sun
will shine so bright that day,

The day you take my hand
and we step into the sea,
where you crash
with me the waves,
and then suddenly we're free,
just take my hand-
my soul,
please come with me and be,
I am the mirror to your soul
just look and you will see

Though it is up to you -
my love,
together or alone,
how we travel on ahead
solus or as one,
I am yours eternalized,
beyond my body dead.

Ma Cherie © 2017