i refuse to subdue my emotions
not because i'm not mature enough to handle ***
i refuse to subdue my emotions
because i don't want my heart
to look like yours

i wanted to know you
not what you were doing
not your latest idea
not your next big project
not how much you would make
not your next inspiration
not the motivation
not the gear you use
or who you're meeting
what brand you're promoting
who you captured in motion

i wanted to know
what draws you to your rooftop
late at night
why you conceal so much
about what you feel
why you can't sit still
and can't slow down
why you show up
but mostly why you never do
what time you brush your teeth at
what makes the hair on your neck stand up
where you'd like to be touched
what makes you feel good
what your favorite food is
if you prefer a sunset or sunrise
how you got to be so close to your parents
why you were afraid to sing
or admit you go both ways too

all of these things and more i do not know
and once wanted to know
but now will sift in the waves of my head
now ceasing the endless search for answers
i am tying down the mast
and giving up the hunt for new territory
in your head
things i wish i'd asked before i let you drift away
things that no longer matter to me
even if you took the time to explain them

all i wanted was to know your humanity
to trace the contours of your personality
with my finger
until i knew each inch by heart
but you don't let people in
for fear of rejection
but by not letting me in
i fear i have no choice but to reject you
again,
it's not what i'd like
it's more heartbreaking to stare at a door
that you're afraid to open
and i regret not seeking to break it down with an axe
all those years lightly tapped the outside
and you couldn't hear me
i never tried hard enough to know you
but you don't try hard enough to be known

it's nothing more than a photograph
with no context
no background
no story
no meaning
but still i can't stand to see your face
beside her
framed by her long hair
you look happy
it's painfully obvious
it's black and white

i feel demolished
you opened me up
and felt my insides
vulnerability spilling out like spaghetti
the quiet of the blade
you didn't sew me up correctly
if you patched me hardly at all

and what for?
years to kiss the pain away
and you dig it all from it's grave
you hand it to me
the backstabbing, numbing sensation
beating alive and well

i wish these walls were barren
so i could scream and scratch out the plaster
the white wash of concrete
spying on us making love
give it something else to look at

you can find me
ripping out strands of my hair
at 11:58 at night

i pay someone now
to validate my issues
i pay her to listen
and justify my behavior
i'm still scared to tell her
how deep the agony runs
how wildly alive you are in my mind
this late at night
haven't heard from you in days
unblocked your number
just in case
you were thinking of me
it feels like a drug withdrawal
without you

it's weird meeting with people
who actually loved you
after months have passed
this love that once strived to be permanent
like conquering mountains
but i shed it like snakeskin
forever is way too hard
when you're too selfish to love people back
always chose myself
did you know your feelings
were the greatest gift i've ever known?

i thought if i arrived here early
and gave you no set time
i would have a bit of the morning to myself
but you were already around the corner
i knew you would be
i know you well, too

i didn't let us go deep this rainy morning
we should only go forward from here
not backwards
we talk
hell, we live in small talk
i say i thrive in summer
you talk about the snow
not much has changed
and somehow weather preferences
felt like the biggest incompatibility then
the most mundane of compromises

didn't run to my own defenses
or fall to your knees apologizing
didn't tell you if i pray or who i've slept with
or that i spent the last three days
crying on the jumpseat
we talk about the coffee shop
i just came here to create a new memory
stub out everything that was
like a stale cigarette
see? i haven't changed that much

instead i say i'm tired of sitting in the back of the plane
as people probe and poke my sides like an insect
asking for coffee with five packets of splenda
i say new york is a drag most days
i am lonely
i wonder if i'm pregnant
it's the only reason i stopped binge drinking
i woke up and wasn't hungover
thank god
i wouldn't admit that i miss the noise
of dry heaving over a toilet bowl

you didn't pay for my coffee
or pour your soul out
or drive me home
you say you leave today
you don't even say you came here for me
because you are just as free to be
so i nod and begin putting my headphones on
before even saying goodbye
i leave the conversation abruptly
ending on a note about
how many cape verdeans
live in boston
i grab my bouquet of sunflowers
slip away into the brooklyn fog
i was gone before you knew it
all the effort you put to be here
with me today
for me to walk out the door
reminiscent of what i did to you then
on a smaller scale

you say "until next time"
but you know i'll slip through the cracks
like i do
predictable me
and even when you find me
i'll be on the run

there's a boy who came from boston
but i am reeling over you
one week since you were in my body
your impression left between my hips
against my ribcage
there's a boy
perhaps wondering
why i haven't given a time
for us to meet quite yet
i'm on my way and he has no clue
to the coffee shop you invited me to first
while there was still snow gathered at the curb
he's probably wondering why i never called
to say goodbye back then
i wonder if you've realized
that i haven't yet given you the same chance
because i'm hoping in agony
that there isn't a chance
something is growing inside me
something that's ours
because i'd keep it

6/5/2017

sinking into the white blur of my sheets
wondering if this courage is fleeting already
i was so brave sunday morning
to finally let go
secretly hoping if you can't reach me easily
perhaps you'll find a way
if it means enough to you
you'll float by
and toss a rock at my window on the sixth floor
of my nyc apartment
i don't need that

for the first time i laughed in manhattan today
the first time in awhile to breathe
the skies looked cold and harsh
but it is undoubtedly summer
"the best summer of life," you'd say
with you i felt doubt
in my pursed lips
holding my tongue with all the words
i'll only write down
it still has a chance to be

vanessa and i held onto the hours
to process and reminisce
when we were once students in a room full of books
you
working on your latest project
i remember the tie around your neck
the suit jacket you put around my shoulders
still thinking the same thought then as i do now:
one day it won't hurt and i'll hold my head high
as i unravel
become undone
become who i was meant to be
not thinking of you and a bottle of bacardi
with polaroids and pictures
burned to the ground
this fortress we built on unstable foundations

remembering
your body pulsing against mine
rest my head on your chest and laugh
your sheets
walk me out the door with no clothes on
before i say goodbye for good

this is day two of a life without you
a second go
if you want to make time
you'll see to it
today i will not let my emotions take precedence
over the rational decision to leave
stronger, baby