Your eyes are vacant, not full of love like they used to be.
I gently brush your cheek but you don’t see me,
Not like you used to.
You reach over my shoulder, wrap your arms around me and say “I love you.”
I smile and hesitate before speaking,
Wondering if I should just say it back; I do.
Your freckles are embedded in your skin,
Like the way your thoughts become embedded in everything you do.
You soak up everything around you like the way a sponge gorges itself on water.
You watch people like the way you read books, quietly and unnoticed.
You hide yourself behind your stories and worlds,
Watching your characters take form and shape in front of you.
I can see it in your eyes,
The way they entice you and leap from your books.
I watch as the anchor is cast, and its claws sink further into you
Grabbing your attention in a way I never could.
I’m a writer after all, I should love this about you.
Don't get me wrong, I do
But I wish you'd pick your head up and look at me with those eyes-
The ones that wrap around me and comfort me,
The ones that see me naked and vulnerable, my truest self.
But I know if I can ask that of you,
Not anymore, because you just don't see me like you used to.
I remember the days when I'd catch you sneaking glimpses of me, But now our car rides are spent in silence,
Your eyes always averted outside and away from me.
I don't know when the ocean settled between us,
Or when words became so hard.
I don't know when the silences between us became worrisome rather than comforting and warm.
I don't know exactly when it started to feel this way,
When the 'us' separated into a 'you' and 'I',
But it wasn't always like this.
You used to dive into my soul head first,
Breathing me in like I was the only water that could quench your thirst.
There was a time when you used to exist in these places with me, not just beside me.
When you're next to me I can feel the way your breath shifts in the air,
The way you hesitate to let me in
And the way you don't dare step foot in the somber house that holds my mind.
Maybe I've let you see too much,
Maybe I shouldn't have invited you down the decaying steps of my spine and into my soul.
Maybe I regret it.
Letting you see this part of me.
Maybe I regret letting you make your home inside of the deepest parts of me,
Because now that you've decided to take up residency elsewhere,
I've never felt so alone.
Before we drift into darkness you pull me in every night
And give me one tight squeeze,
It's always just enough to let me know you’re still there,
Even if just by one single fiber.
Your body shuffles against the covers,
I don't need to look your way to know that you're already gone,
Back in your own space and away from mine.
I reach over and touch you
But to me you’re not there,
Present you may be, but no longer are you with me.
