A new decade is approaching
This one will be my first without you
Though I’ve learned how to extinguish the scorching flame your absence caused,
There is still but a flicker of you within me.
If I’m not careful it will consume me,
The raw, violent, hunger of a wildfire
Almost always begins with an innocent spark
A thought left unattended,
And an entire forest much older than I
Must begin anew after days of raining ash and blackness.
As I grow with age,
I find it is almost impossible to hold your memory within me
Without becoming charred by the thought of you
This year I made it my goal to face the agonizing intensity of my emotions
Without burning this body to the ground.
Thats where I was wrong,
Always trying to control rather than be controlled
So I let you take hold of me,
Burn away every acre of my tainted insides
So I can finally put an end to this excruciating cycle
And rise from the ashes you first set ablaze all those years ago
I’ll choke on ash and blood for as long as it takes,
But I will no longer allow myself to stand at the edge of life
Waiting for your soul to return from the abyss
The void that only knows darkness,
Where seeds aren't given a chance to grow.
The end of a cycle means a new beginning
I am intent on setting the whole world on fire
With the same intensity you did in me,
Darkness only wins if we choose not to let the light in.
A new decade approaches,
We are creating our legacy
Within every soul that catches fire
From the passion in my eyes that echos that of my boisterous personality.
I'm finally ready to let the world feel just how contagious the imprint you left within me is.

Choosing sobriety has taught me
An inner strength I never knew I had
It has taught me subtle goodbyes
And doors slammed shut
Sobriety has taught me
That the cure for loneliness isn’t found
At the bottom of a bowl or bottle
But in the chasam of your heart
It has taught me the beauty of the void,
And exactly how to fill it:
There is love for myself,
That looks like grace and forgiveness
There is strength in choosing being alone,
Without sugar coating the pain of my insecurities
Sobriety has taught me
I am an unbreakable whole
I do not need people or drugs to distract me,
Just a pen and a paper,
Free to create my own reality

Your eyes are vacant, not full of love like they used to be.
I gently brush your cheek but you don’t see me,
Not like you used to.
You reach over my shoulder, wrap your arms around me and say “I love you.”
I smile and hesitate before speaking,
Wondering if I should just say it back; I do.
Your freckles are embedded in your skin,
Like the way your thoughts become embedded in everything you do.
You soak up everything around you like the way a sponge gorges itself on water.
You watch people like the way you read books, quietly and unnoticed.
You hide yourself behind your stories and worlds,
Watching your characters take form and shape in front of you.
I can see it in your eyes,
The way they entice you and leap from your books.
I watch as the anchor is cast, and its claws sink further into you
Grabbing your attention in a way I never could.
I’m a writer after all, I should love this about you.
Don't get me wrong, I do
But I wish you'd pick your head up and look at me with those eyes-
The ones that wrap around me and comfort me,
The ones that see me naked and vulnerable, my truest self.
But I know if I can ask that of you,
Not anymore, because you just don't see me like you used to.
I remember the days when I'd catch you sneaking glimpses of me, But now our car rides are spent in silence,
Your eyes always averted outside and away from me.
I don't know when the ocean settled between us,
Or when words became so hard.
I don't know when the silences between us became worrisome rather than comforting and warm.
I don't know exactly when it started to feel this way,
When the 'us' separated into a 'you' and 'I',
But it wasn't always like this.
You used to dive into my soul head first,
Breathing me in like I was the only water that could quench your thirst.
There was a time when you used to exist in these places with me, not just beside me.
When you're next to me I can feel the way your breath shifts in the air,
The way you hesitate to let me in
And the way you don't dare step foot in the somber house that holds my mind.
Maybe I've let you see too much,
Maybe I shouldn't have invited you down the decaying steps of my spine and into my soul.
Maybe I regret it.
Letting you see this part of me.
Maybe I regret letting you make your home inside of the deepest parts of me,
Because now that you've decided to take up residency elsewhere,
I've never felt so alone.
Before we drift into darkness you pull me in every night
And give me one tight squeeze,
It's always just enough to let me know you’re still there,
Even if just by one single fiber.
Your body shuffles against the covers,
I don't need to look your way to know that you're already gone,
Back in your own space and away from mine.
I reach over and touch you
But to me you’re not there,
Present you may be, but no longer are you with me.

I.
Most days I’m great,
I’m pretty average looking but I’ve got a personality
That’s much bigger than my physical body
I’m goofy more than I’m serious
And I procrastinate more than I should
Most people call me the energizer bunny;
Always running around brining energy and smiles
Most days, that’s me.
Just your average normal person;
Not every day is perfect…
There are good days,
                      bad days,
                             better days,
                                  worse days &
                                         worser than worst
                                                          ­           d
                                                                        a
                                                     ­                      y
                                                        ­                       s


II.
How can a day be so bad that you make up your own version of “worse” you ask?
Well those days go something like this:
The air is heavy,
My senses are heightened
I can feel every droplet on my back
My lungs are tight, but not quite tight enough to be suffocating
My throat is dry, I can’t tell if I’m burning hot or freezing cold.
I get dressed, I go about my day.
There are good things.
There are bad things.
The bad things always stick on these kinds of days.
Inevitably, I can feel my anxiety begin to grow
It begins burning in my chest first,
I can feel the toxic attitude begin to bubble beneath my skin
Destroying everything inside
I am painted red with an unexplainable anger and rage
I sit alone, until my anger devours itself feeding on its toxic irrational thoughts


III.
This is when it happens, the (worser than worst)
It’s always when I let myself let go of the anger,
When my voice resumes its normal tone and pitch,
When my breathing is in sync with my heart,
And my once raging and thrashing thoughts
Begin to quiet and wind themselves down
It’s always when things start to feel okay again
Then it happens.
I’m walking in a crowded subway station
Hundreds of voices around me, yet they all drown out each other
Until a loud one breaks through the rhythmic hum of a busy commuter city
My body responds automatically searching for the noise
I see her in the distance,
Dressed in all black
For how cold it is, she’s not wearing nearly enough
She’s old.
Her face tells stories
Through the hard-pressed lines and crevices of her weather-beaten skin,
Her skin shows it all,
A Face that has laughed, cried, and experienced
Her eyes are glazed over
Chills run down my spine so suddenly I’m almost startled
It’s the eyes,
It’s always the eyes, they always trigger me
I can feel you in the atmosphere
Pressing your cold pale lips to my ear and whispering
“You couldn’t save me”
“You’re forgetting me”
“I won’t let you forget me”
I stand motionless trying to will my body to move
It doesn’t.
I watch the woman for a bit longer
Lost in her own world, eyes glazed over and lost
I feel sorry for her and then I feel it
Like all the muscles inside of me are suddenly limp and weak
With all my effort I push my feet off the ground
So, focused I don’t notice the tears streaming down my cheeks
I walk away in disappointment
I do what I do best,
I leave
And as I do, I hold my breath
And count
I count until the numbers feel right
And until I force myself to forget your presence
And the lingering guilt that still takes root
In the void you left behind.

IV.
Most days I’m great,
Just your average normal person,
Most days are easy enough to get through,

It’s the few days,
The ones spread so thin throughout the year
The days that remind me
That eyes are truly gateways into other places
It’s those days
That being to engulf the great days
Beneath its roots of your memory
And I am reminded that after all of these years,
If you can manage to keep resurrecting yourself
Through the people still on this planet
Than my words, will once again resurrect with you.
For you.

I feel lost in a sea of words,
That have stitched themselves to the roof of my mouth
I try to explain what I’m feeling but nothing comes out
I feel the weight beginning to crush me,
Making it harder to breathe
Sowing my lips shut-
shutting down like the rest of my body
Everything feels like so much,
But then nothing at all
I’m lost in the confusion,
Do I have something to say,
Or am I just my own downfall?

When she’s gone...
I crave her like the first time I ever laid eyes on her,
I can feel my tongue twisting and forgetting all my words-
A thousand thoughts swirling around my head,
But I still can’t manage to conjure just one
I can feel my body tense,
Begging for her familiarity to wash over me
Like the way soft green hills of the valley
Roll endlessly over one another
Creating a masterpiece that leaves you speechless
When she’s gone,
I crave her
Like an artist craves that one sunset they saw years ago-
Decades later and they’re still trying to recreate a moment
That’s nothing but a memory
Yet they can’t stop, like an itch one can’t find
Because none has compared to that one
When you’re gone...
Things come out all jumbled and backwards
Like “good night” instead of “good morning”
And “I hope you’re having fun” instead of “come home, I miss you”

It’ll come back to you
They keep telling me
But they don’t get it,
The way darkness creeps inside of my mind,
The way it makes my insides tremble so loudly-
My body’s natural response begins to follow suit,
My leg brushes against the corner of my desk
Just enough to be irritating;
Momentarily distracting me from the object of my attention
I stare at the same blank notebook in front of me
Until the lines begin to blur into one single color;
Hypnotizing me in an almost unbreakable trance
I can’t remember when I started losing myself,
Losing the things,
I thought once defined me
But somewhere…
Embedded beneath the buzzing distractions
My mind taunts me with,
Is one simple word etched into the center of it all
It’s been so long since anyone’s called me it-
A ‘writer’ that is,
My fingertips no longer remember the familiar smoothness
Of my favorite pencil,
My mind has gone dark,
My thoughts only continue to grow louder
Everything inside of me has vanished
Completely submerged into the darkness,
Covered in a sticky grotesque black
That stains everything it touches
I can’t see inside myself anymore
My fingertips don’t dare write a word
Of the war going on inside of my mind
Maybe, some things are better left unfound