I passed by your home everyday of my childhood,
knowing what transpired there,
knowing all you did and said.
When your hands touched my body
I was a child
I did not even know there was a name for what you did
I did not even know you silenced me again and again
I did not even know everyone around us kept your secret
I did not even know everyone I told had a duty to protect me.
If they would have done their job,
I would not have had to
walk past your home everyday of my childhood,
knowing that you were behind that green door.
I would not have had to fear you would walk out
and take another piece of my childhood away.
You put the darkness of the world
on the shoulders of a child.
You forced people who loved me into impossible positions and caused mistakes to be made.
You forced me to forgive not only you but everyone who knew and still did nothing.
You caused mistrust to run rampant in my mind
but I lend you my pity
because I can only imagine
what is running rampant in yours.
The three of us saw each other
for the first time in three months
our late nights sounded the same,
full of laughs and whispers.
Our mornings tasted the same,
full of breakfast cooked by your mom.
The October air on my face reminded me that change had come
forcing me to remember summer left us
the air chilled my throat as I watched both of you
and I remembered all the forgiving I had to do.
Forgiveness you were never aware of.
I watched the leaves beg to fall
and remembered the hundreds of nights
we spent out here just being young.
all the songs in my ears warned me
that these days felt never ending.
As I watched the sun beat down white instead of yellow
I looked at you two
and remembered all our days that seemed
I pressed the first flower you ever gave me in a book
the red petals stained the rough pages a dark crimson
but I will not let you stain me
with your negativity
the words I write and the stories I tell
have already been weighed down
by secrets I never told you
lifting you up
was so easy to me
that I forgot it wasn't my job at all.
I wore an old perfume today
so I could remember who I was
when I felt my first love
the scent overpowered me just like you did
and as I drove home
the scent filled my car
as the first rain of winter spotted my windshield
and for the first time since I stopped wearing this perfume
I smiled when I thought of you.
The air that surrounds you smells like your home
each time I get a whiff of you
I feel a guilt I have never known
a guilt I wonder if my past lovers felt
when they got a whiff of me.
do you unconsciously see this guilt in me
the way I saw it in them?
Will there ever come a time
in which there is no guilt
no words I have to fake
no false words I have to hear
Your heart beats with sweetness like sugar
in the pit of my stomach
is the truth I'll never tell:
in you, I see the worst of me
the past I clawed my way out of
In you I can see the darkest years
and the scent of you fills my eyes with tears
Please show me how to forgive
my heart wants to give
every last one of you
that has been ripening in me for years
But my mind projects the memories
of your actions, your failures, and your lies
and suddenly forgiveness is tainted with
disgust and disappointment
I was a child until I wasn't anymore.
my youth expired as my blindness was healed
and, finally, I saw the crimson of your sins.
Have you been washed as white as snow?
No, you have not.
because only I posses the power to forgive you
only I can heal the disease of your mind
only I can cleanse the guilt that eats you alive everyday
But you never asked me to forgive
never sought out my healing touch
never begged for my mercy
were you too fearful?
Healed, cleansed, and forgiven.
These belong to me.
You will never know the depths of the purity and beauty
that only the humane can feel.
— The End —