No like seriously what jlihjhbjyh the **** is wrong with me. See that? That beautiful little key smash? I misspelled something and then proceeded to ******* aosdklfjaksetiovarkjgozlscrmfkajzhulfkj, aZDk,avjz.zdkf,zvjukfjcufck happened again but because I got mad that it wasn't loading faster so I'll ******* type later or something *******.

Edit: I'm sorry. I'm sort of hanging by fragile strings, and I think that I'm going to end up really ******' something up because I just can't ******' do this, y'know? Every little thing ****** me off. And I know for a fact that no one is going to get exactly how I feel, which just frustrates me. It also makes me happy, because as long as no one knows how this feels, they won't feel this pain, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I wish I'd just do it already, **** myself and ****. I don't know why I haven't, maybe I'm just hopeful that MAYBE ******' MAYBE it'll get better. MAYBE I'll learn **** better, and get over everything better and ******' survive and ****, I'll like. IDK. Be better one day maybe. BUT ISN'T THAT *******? Is anyone really gonna ever ******' be better? EVER? I doubt it. we're all ****** up, and there's really no fixing it. If I don't ******' hurry and **** my ****** self someone else needs to do it. ******' shoot me, please. Carve these ****** arms and legs, this stomach, this chest, these ******* eyes need to come out, c u t m e. If I scream, take out my tongue, I deserve this. I deserve these feelings, don't I? Why would I have them if I didn't deserve them, where the **** is my ******* serotonin. I hate it here. I ******', well hell. WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME.

I'm a little upset that this isn't very long. Nowhere as long as the others, and a  huge part of me is worried that I'm losing motivation and words and that I'll be repetitive, so all I have is this last thing, and then maybe I'll never really write again.

just kidding, I have something in my drafts that I've been working on.
I'm just ******.

I don't like being touched but I think I want to be hugged right now if that makes sense?

But don't touch me, I don't want to be touched. I really don't. I want to just.. ******'. I don't know.

I want to be talked to, yknow?

But at the same time, I'm not gonna ******' open up about ****.

I mostly just want to talk to my girlfriend, but now I've got it in my head that all I ever do is talk about myself, which makes me ******, but now that I have to talk or else I might actually just ******* end it- it's a bit ****** y'know? I don't know what the **** I'm doing.

edit part two: Jesus **** she ******* hates me doesn't she, I should shut up I should never ever ever talk I should never talk shut up shut up holy **** I really hurt her don't I
she's been hurt so ******* much why
why do I have to make it worse for her
I swear I love her I swear I love her
I swear I do.
I'm so ******.
I'm the toxic one.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.
IT'S ME.

it's always been me.


I'm so sorry. I'm going to work on it. I'll carve my issues from my skin until you love me again. I can be worthy of your love I promise.

The sweat streaming down my eye brow
Looking at the arrow in my ankle that was shot by Paris' bow
Oh my briseis, please don't cry
My shield and spear are always yours as i point it at the sky
Zeus, you have blessed me with immortality but oh i am cursed
All my life i've been killing men for another's thirst
Finally my chains have been broken, i can breathe
This cold feels nice, my sword at last in it's sheath

You are unchangeable, so am i
We hold us too tight
We lead us too far
We lost our path
We hurt us
In the way we look good for
ourselves
If letting go is painful
Let’s make it to be meaningful

I hate myself for the things I do.
All of it torments my mind,
And hindsight is but a curse for my overthinking.

I fill with fear,
To many thoughts in my head,
So many unseen outcomes that spiral through my eternity.

Nothing ever goes the way of happiness,
And content is a feeling I have lost recollection of.
I wish to try again,
For looking at what I am now...
I hate myself.

the ocean outside the window--
that clear blue hue that
reflects nothing to the eyes
but illustrates the heart--
turned to autumn orange and
some blue shade of red
so suddenly.

with my eyes i watched
as the light travelled against
the shadows of my textbooks,
inching across the table
until it reached its end horizon
and disappeared beyond the window.

that blue was gone so suddenly.
and the ocean came
to my eyes.

As I watch the rain
Fall from the sky
I wonder
Is that the tears
From an angel's eyes
What did we do
To make you cry?

I knew a girl who loves the rain.
She only smiles as it pours.
When the drops start to fall.
She prays and prays for more.
She feels her strength in the dark. Laughing with the Thunder.
Tears are rain brought by pain.
Maybe that's her comfort.
Rain drops upon her face
While she dances through the Tempest.
She smiles wide her beautiful eyes hungry for a drenching.