Lying awake with my head on the opposite end of my bed trying to figure out what's up and what's down.
I've lost control again and I'm starting to think maybe I'm the guard and the prisoner.

They keep telling me you cannot hit lower than rock bottom and yet here I stand a little to close to the core of the earth.
Sweat dripping down my face and my eyes heavy with stress as I head straight into the magma and lava that awaits below me.

No one told me growing up would be this hard. That you would find yourself in sticky situations with money and love.
No one told me that sometimes you have to discipline yourself enough that you're stable and yet find the balance between work and play.

Tossing and turning my stomach is queasy and my head is throbbing from lack of sleep as I stare at the black ceiling above me.
Is there a way out of the darkness or should I hope that someday the answers will flicker on like a broken light bulb needing to be replaced?

No one told me growing up would be this hard.

You are a beautiful angel.
Flying ever so high.
And you don't want to soar too close to the ground,
For soon you will have to fly away,

Just like all the other angels.

And it's a miserable reality that I am here on the ground.
Way down here at the bottom.

And all I want is to be desperately saved.

You bite your bottom lip,
Do you realize that?
When you're mad.
When you're thinking.
When you're concentrating.

You bite your bottom lip;
And I fall in love with you a little more each time.

i feel my mind getting sicker
polluted by my constant being alone
i suppose i have ambitions but my unsettling disregard for how my life turns out clouds every corner of my thoughts
i rather dabble with alcoholism than improve my art
i rather block out all the noise of the world with music every day and every night than try harder to graduate
i rather drive myself insane stuffing every issue inside my head to mingle with my frustration and befriend my sadness than simply tell people how i feel
i rather die than live to age 30 and see my beauty fade right before my eyes
i rather pull away from great people than risk them trying to analyze what my impulsive and irrational actions mean
this is how it feels to hit rock bottom at seventeen

They laughed at us while we walked away in dissapointment
We lost the game by a tremendous amount of points
But we came back a few years later
Erasing our past and making history
Making everyone supporting us proud
And lighting it up like fireworks
We aren't playing around anymore
You might have been victorious by intimidation before
But we don't lay down and die
You think you've already won but we got news for you
It's just the start
Take some notes while you still can.

It's getting closer.
I can feel it.
The bottom.
What a lonely place to be.
What a rocky trip this is.
What cruel fate awaits me.
Or at least this me;
There's another one of those apparently.
Another that is angry,
That is mad and that is getting fed-up with being so oppressed.
Another that wishes to speak,
Another that longs to breath.
She pushes me to speak out of turn.
She pushes me to seek out air.
It's getting closer!
I can feel the shift in the air,
the changing currents of the underlying tides.
I'm scared the fall will hurt..
Not only me but those around me.
I feel like a ticking time bomb and there is no way to stop it,
to subdue it to avert it.
It's getting closer.
It's almost over.
...

Have you felt it
The brink of the breaking point.
The spine and heart of your pain.
Have you been there
The bottom. The absolute bottom.
For its so low, gravity itself could not go deeper.

everything looked and felt so hopeless
never would have thought 4 years a go
that my life would be so full

grateful i wake up most days grateful to be alive,
where as before i woke everyday praying for
God to **** me

i just needed a spiritual awakening to tweak my perspective
from hopelessness to hope
constant criticism to gratitude