I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry you lied
I'm sorry for nights when I left your side
I'm sorry that I was the cause of your grief
Blind to your hurt as I chased my relief

I love you. I love you. You'll always be mine
I'm sorry I made you think you had to hide
I'm sorry that two years has made such a rift
I'm sorry for all the days I spent adrift

I'm sorry that I was the reason for hate
I'm sorry my back turned while you lay awake
I'm sorry my actions have led you astray
Just come back to me, I promise I'll stay

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                           Anything about myself.

I couldn't see through and
Never had tools,
                                                     Pitch dark and wandering by stars.

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                           Social rules, quiet cues, or how
                                                        Became my "muse".
An island
                                 A shipwreck
                                                                         Adrift at sea
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                               My forsaken longing for true connection,
                                                                  
                                                                    Or what you meant
                                                                       When you said

"Stop painstakingly crafting your prose as if you must earn my attention"

Scouring
                                   Half blind
                                                                       For the unloved part of me.
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                          My desperate diversity.

Shackles clattered free with every blackout pour

Each line a rush of promises I knew would rot

Filled myself to forget nothing was ever there,
Expanding the hollow before it even had a name.

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand

                                           I was heaving the empty unknowing alone,
                                                     An anchor keeping me drowned.

With no practice feeling, I stood
     Petrified to appear the fool,
                                                                   I didn't know and
                                                                 I couldn't understand.

After numbing for years
I finally learned and finally healed,

                             This quiet apology is not an excuse
                      Only late recognition from my old recluse.

I didn’t want it to end
I panicked, and I broke the best thing I had.
You didn’t drag me down , I did.
If I’d known I’d get worse,
I’d have never let you that close.

I’m sorry I made you feel unwanted
when you were all I wanted.
I loved you , but my mind stayed sick,
my fear louder than your arms.

You trusted pinky promises
I never should’ve made.
If you ever wonder
I did love you.
And I hate that I proved I could break you.

i bypassed everything and went straight for the neck
not out of cruelty
but because I was tired of pretending
I didn’t want the truth raw
unfiltered
still pulsing
I didn’t want the small talk
the polite detours
the scenic route through your curated grief
I wanted the place where your voice breaks
where the mask slips
where the ache lives without apology
I bypassed the stories you rehearsed
the ones with clean endings
the ones you tell at parties
to make your pain sound poetic
I wanted the version you don’t write down
the one that stutters
the one that bleeds
I bypassed the eyes
the hands
the heart
all the places people say love lives
I went for the neck
because it’s where the pulse hides
where the breath catches
where the body remembers
what the mind tries to forget
I didn’t mean to be violent
I intended to be honest
I meant to say
I see you
without the armor
without the script
without the smile you wear
when you lie
I bypassed everything
because I didn’t want the version of you
that survived
I wanted the version
that still doesn’t know how

I arrived barefoot
tongue heavy with borrowed syntax
eyes trained on the flicker between gestures
the way a hand hesitates before reaching
the way silence folds itself into a question.

I mistook bruises for constellations
mapped them across the skin like ancient routes
each one a pilgrimage
each one a failed translation.

I thought pain had grammar
that longing could be conjugated
into something less feral.

the heart is not a scroll.
it does not unroll neatly.
it bleeds through the margins
smudges the ink
laughs at the scholar in me
who still believes in clarity.

I touched someone once
and felt their grief like static
a hum beneath the ribs
a Morse code of everything unsaid.

I tried to decode it
but the symbols kept shifting
love became hunger
hunger became apology
apology became a door
I could not open.

I am still learning
that some hieroglyphs are meant to be lived
not read.
that some wounds speak in tongues
only the body understands.
that to be human
is to misinterpret
and keep interpreting
until the ache becomes a kind of fluency.

I'm sorry for the flowers
I didn't realize the burden of being so pretty
The timing and the effort
That such beauty could bring such pity

I'm sorry for the hours
You've spent wishing I was doing what I wasn't
The waiting that you've suffered
Hoping its bringing happiness when it doesn't

**** these dozen roses
A red reminder of my ineptitudes
The buzzing in the interludes
The red herring that I've served to you

**** these dozen roses
A celebration without serenity
Her mind without amenity
It isn't much but oh what it's meant to me

I'm sorry for the little things
I hope you can find a way to leave them where they lie
I'm sorry for the flowers
You don't have to do anything,
just leave them 'till they die.

You chose to move on
and I respect that.
I’m sorry—
truly, deeply sorry—
for destroying us.

I miss us.
I miss the love
that was more attachment
and dependence
than anything else,
but still—
it was something.
It was family.

One year down the road,
two years back behind.
Neither has a sign saying closed,
not that we would pay it any mind.
Indecision is killing us
choking so hard we can barely breathe.
I buried all of our trust
and then beg you not to grieve.

While it’s always been you I adore
I can’t decide if I love or hate myself more.
It eats me alive just like cancer
but I know and I show, us both
the real answer.

Try to illustrate your soul
but my pallet’s lacking the tones.
I tried to pay the tickets and toll
by trading sticks and stones.
A promise I should’ve kept,
but sometimes it’s just too hard,
and so I watched as you wept
just as predicted by the tarot card.

While it’s always been you I adore
it’s been the wrong side I’ve been fighting for.
I chose my tactics and my plays,
to get through that it’s true,
It’s still you
all time and always.

She says “don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby,
when you do that **** it makes me feel crazy.”
“You can’t even look me square in the face,
and you’ve always had an accent I just couldn’t place.”
She says “don’t call me kid, don’t call me love,
you took everything that I ever dreamt of
all of it is now poisoned laced,
or you tried to erase but it can’t be replaced.”

I could never put her on a shelf;
These aren’t feelings I’ve ever felt
just for anyone else.
I’m sure she knows **** well,
for her I’d crawl my body through hell.
All time and always.