back and forth
breath slow fast
see myself in another
less happy world

I should've said something,
It could've ended badly,
It would've fixed this creeping feelings of anxiety,

I should've been assertive,
It could've been for better,
It would've stopped these thoughts I have,
That made me write this letter.

I should be sleeping right now,
I could be dreaming right now,
It would be best I close my eyes for good,
which is what I wish for right now.

Slam the door upon my face.
Don't look,
think
or act.
Just stand behind the door
silent,
and anxious.
Wait for me to make a move.
Let me do
what you should have done.
Thats the easiest way
I can think of you
to live a life
where the sun doesn't rotate.
Because sometimes
doing nothing
is easier than doing everything.
And trust me
I will do everything for you.

It's a fist clenched around my heart
Waiting for the doctor to show
Alone in the gray monotonous room
Sitting here til they tell me it's closed
Home is welcome but empty
And I'm back the very next day
Passing the time and hoping maybe
Tomorrow I can be on my way

You seek redemption, when you have done nothing.
You seek forgiveness, when you have caused no one sorrow.
You seek love, when you can not even love yourself.
You seek normality, when you know you never will be.
You seek to be understood, because no one seems to get you.
You seek to be happy, when in reality you are suffocating.
You seek friendship, even though you are afraid of being abandoned.
You seek to be enough, when you know you never will be.
You seek to be vulnerable, but your walls are too high, and you trust too little.
You seek to fit in, to be liked, to please everyone, you try so hard, and you hate yourself for it.
You seek yourself, as I seek myself.

~ j.l.

the feminine body, the feminine aura
was glorious. and she wanted to be glorious.
she could see it real in her mind's eye,
          feel it there in her body's soul.
the ***** of Her spine as She arches Her back
the curve of Her hips
the softness of Her touch...

          and men...
well, she never did see men as glorious.
          never could, it wasn't so.
there was a certain admiration, she supposed,
          one could hold
                    for their figure,
the magnificence of the human body.
but that gloriousness,
          the kind found in the tenderness of Her kiss,
                                      in the strength of Her self,
          that, they lacked.

so that's not why she envied them,
          but envy she did.
the way their clothes fit,
          the way they could move,
                    the way she could not.
they held convenience, she guessed.
she guessed.
          is that what she wanted?
          just a body so convenient?

the body of Woman
          still surely was not
          surely it was not
          surely not on her.
it was imperfect on her,
its beauty dimmed down.
a costume ill-fitted that she couldn't tear off.
and convenient masculinity
a disguise too well made,
an impression ill-suited that wouldn't wear off.

she was wrong, she was wrong!
          boy, girl, what?
was she wrong?
she wanted to be beautiful!
          it was Woman she admired.
she was not, they called her "boy"
          but of that role, she'd long tired.
help!
what happens if you never find a place to stick?
acutely aware
that nothing will ever fit
someone, please, make a box
          and shove her into it.

look them in the eye,
and kiss them deeply
until all of their rage is gone.
swallow their pain and fury whole,
become the storm yourself,
learn to survive yourself

I woke up with my head full of rocks and my stomach a butterfly museum

With several trying to escape up the back of my throat

Pain racks the rest of my body in waves

My brain is stripped of all that happened in the last 24 hours

Regret washes over me- only softly because...

At least for a moment I felt nothing

For a moment I was not reminded of this dull empty ache between my ribs

For a moment my head was in the clouds and my body was up there with it

The clouds were more like vapor I suppose

Surrounding my head in swirling patterns

Blocking every ugly view

Including my own reflection and the intentions behind it

The people around the mirror were only fuzzy thoughts

Only in the back of my mind do those people exist

And with every swallow they become further and further muddied in the darkness

Not one possible consequence riddles my thoughts

Only when the sun rises and I peel open my dry eyes do I think for a moment

And even full of regret I will do it again tonight.

Before I knew it.
I pressed send.
A long text meant to be erased.
Thought about,
Re-thought about.
I smiled before thinking about
The initial reply back.
My heart sunk.
Sick.
Constantly thinking.
The buzz of notification.
Exactly what to do when her face shows on my screen.
Exactly how to play off
The only voice,
The only face that mattered this time of night.
To be honest, I wasn't sure
What I expected to see.
Of course lying to myself.
My pinky underneath the phone
For support.
Waiting for reply.
A mental continuation
Bringing another thought to the message sent.
Fighting the urge to send Lol.
I sat almost a lifetime.
The same heart wrenching feeling.
The moment you realize you lost your phone.
Or my case.
A brief text denying all evidence of what stares at her nose.
Brightly lit.
Signifying what I saw
When she'd call, when she'd text.
That same delicious smile I'd heart over a million times.
All reserved for future reply.