emotions come into my brain
working at steering me to feel insane
my brain always tries to kick them out
but they always like to lock it out
as they battle and i stare
i long to find the key in despair
to help my brain get back its ruling chair
take the script in both hands and gave it a mighty tear
somehow emotions always seem to reign and overflow
turning me into an immaculate freak show
tears are pouring out all over the floor
shaking and tormenting my very core

why do i have to feel so intensely
why is my life packed so densely

14/05/2020

your eyes
your smile
the gentle way you kiss my lips
and touch my face with your fingertips
make me want to bury myself in your soul
make me want to let go of my need to control

15/09/2018

“You have to be strong”
“You are not trying hard enough”

You m-o-t-h-e-r-*******-e-r.

Do you think I want to drown myself in self-destructive thoughts?
Do you think I want to spend every night wide awake trembling with fear?

I am literally doing everything I can.
Even when every fibre of my being wants to give up and just die.

Thank you for adding more guilt and making me feel even more worthless.

You ignorant and judgemental piece of *******.

27/03/2019

The floor beneath me is melting like a painting left in the rain
The more I try to claw my way back to consciousness
The more I drift away from reality
The deeper I sink into the place of distorted horror
Where static shapes are able to twist and turn
Ears are able to see and smell
Brains are scrambled and tangled
Words are formed but cannot be spoken
Thoughts are burgeoned but cannot be controlled
The venomous voices have all the power
Dare not to feed them with positivity
In darkness they are determined to rule

27/03/2019

Late at night or in the middle of the day,
voices sneak inside this *******-e-d up brain.
They yell and scream till my mind is tore,
making me think, there, is, no, more.

26/03/2019

Ma
Inħobbok

Mhux dejjem naraw għajn b’għajn
Imma nħobbok

Naf li dejjem pruvajt mill-aħjar li stajt
Biex tagħtini dak li int qatt ma ngħatajt

Imma sfortunatament mhux dejjem irnexxilek
Il-Mulej mhux dejjem provdilek

Jien qatt m’għidtlek meta nqasstni
Meta bin-nuqqas tiegħek warrabtni

Qatt ma ridt niksirlek qalbek
U ngħidlek li ħadd mhu qed jisma talbek

Imma iva Ma,
Weġġgħajt

Għaddejt minn ħafna u int ma taf b’ xejn
Alla ħares tkun taf kif u x’ fatta u fejn

Bħalek Ma,
Għaddejt minn dak li m’ għandu jgħaddi ħadd

Ġarrabt id-dlam
U bkejt fis-solitudni

Imma issa Ma
Sa fl-ahhar...

Inħoss li sibt il-kuntentizza
Inħoss li qbadt it-trejqa li qed nibni jien

Ma rridx nibqa naħbilek iktar
Għajjejt nigdeb u nħaref

Allura għidtlek

Ma flaħtx inżomm iktar
U għidtlek

Kienet diffiċli għax kont beżgħana
Imma ridt naqsam din l-aħbar ferħana

Stennejt li ser tifhimni
Stennejt li xorta waħda ser tibqa tħobbni

Imma

Ir-reazzjoni tiegħek ma kienetx dik li stennejt
Ma kienetx dik li f’ moħħi pinġejt

Għalfejn Ma?
Għalfejn ma tridnix?
Għalfejn mhux taċċettani?

Għidli Ma

Lil min inħobb ma għandux jaffettwa kemm inti tħobb lili
Lil min inħobb ma għandux inessik li jien xorta waħda bintek

Mara offritli dak li dejjem fittixt
Mara għallmitni nagħraf x’inhi l-imħabba

Mara urietni kif jidher id-dawl fost id-dlam
Mara qed tgħini nsir inħobb lili nnifsi

Iva Ma

Inħobb mara
U mhux raġel

Għalfejn qed tħares lejja b’ dak il-mod Ma?

B’ ħarsa ta’ diżappunt
B’ ħarsa ta’ diżgust

Bintek għadni Ma

L-istess b-i-n-t li kont tgħannaq miegħek
Meta kont tħoss li d-dinja qed tikrolla

L-istess b-i-n-t li kont tiftaħar tgħid li hi tiegħek
Lil kull min taf meta tilmaħni fost il-folla

Ħobbni Ma
Nitolbok

L-istess għadni
Biss, ħrigt mill-moħba

15/10/2018

i hate my life
i hate myself
i’m not good enough
i’m not strong enough
i don’t see a point in living
i don’t see a future for myself
i’m a waste of space
i’m just a breathing vegetable
i don’t want to do that anymore
i don’t want help
i can’t get better
i’ve seen too much
i’ve felt too much
i can’t take it anymore
i can’t keep pretending
i’m not ok
i’m so not ok
i’m weak
and tired
i was a mistake
i was never meant to be here
i refuse to stay and watch my life get worse
i will never be happy
i want to end it

06/12/2018

crying silent tears of misery
biting your mouth to ignore the pain
praying for someone to hear the screams in your head
to come in the room and stop the abrupt hurricane

is it r-a-p-e if you don't kick and scream?
is it r-a-p-e if you just lay there?

they were meant to protect you
they were meant to uncover the sun amidst the clouds
but instead, they took what was not theirs to take
cursed you with evilness that'll make you unable to fit in crowds

31/03/2018

Minjaf ħajti kif kienet tkun
Li kieku
Missieri qatt ma telaq mill-Eġittu
Li kieku
Karmenu qatt ma miet

Minjaf ħajti kif kienet tkun
Li kieku
Ommi kienet soda u tlaqna darba għal dejjem
Li kieku
Missieri fehem li mhux kollox kif irid hu

Minjaf ħajti kif kienet tkun
Li kieku
Ħuti jiefqu jħarsu lejja qisni ma jonqosni xejn
Li kieku
Jkunu jafu x’inhu jiġri hawn ġew

Minjaf ħajti kif kienet tkun
Li kieku
Nista ntir u naħrab minn dan kollu
Li kieku
Twellidt f’ familja differenti

2008

Kemm hu b’ saħħtu l-baħar
Qatt ma jaqta nifsu
Bil-mewġ dejjem jiżfen
Mar-ritmu tal-kurrenti

Kemm hu b’ saħħtu l-baħar
Qatt ma jieqaf jikkumbatti
Ħadd u xejn ma jwaqqfu
Jew jibdilu d-direzzjoni

“Kemm hu b’ saħħtu l-baħar”
Ma nista naħseb xejn għajr hekk
Kemm ngħir għalih
Kemm nixtieq inkun bħalu

08/02/2016

Żmien ta’ ferħ w ’nnoċenza
ta’ sempliċita u purezza
Żmien ħieles mill-inkwiet
u mżejjen bil-paċi fis-skiet

Dak li dejjem smajt
u dak li dejjem tgħallimt
Pero m’ huwiex dak li esperjenzajt
m’ huwiex dak li ngħatajt

Mingħalihom li tawni kollox
Mingħalihom li ma naqsuni f’xejn
Mur għidilhom kemm battejt
Kemm minħabba fihom soffrejt

Noħlom bi tfulija
sempliċi u pura
Nixtieq li ġejt mogħtija
bidu ta’ ħajja sura

16/04/2009

Sometimes she realizes she has no reason to stay
And that makes her have the perfect reason to go

But
He needs you, says love
He loves you, says compassion
He's a good man, says empathy
It would destroy him, says guilt
It would make him hate you, says rejection
It would cause heartache, says anguish
You won't function without him, says safety
You can't throw away all those years, says remorse
You can't just leave him, says loyalty
What if you regret it, asks grief
What if you'll never find love again, asks loneliness
What if this is just a phase, asks confusion

11/10/2015