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Red
“You have to be strong”
“You are not trying hard enough”

You m-o-t-h-e-r-*******-e-r.

Do you think I want to drown myself in self-destructive thoughts?
Do you think I want to spend every night wide awake trembling with fear?

Believe me, if I could just snap out of it, I would.
I am literally doing everything I can to keep fighting.
Even when every fibre of my being wants to give up and just die.

Thank you for adding more guilt and making me feel more worthless.

You ignorant and judgemental piece of *******.

27/03/2019
The floor beneath me is melting like a painting left in the rain
The more I try to claw my way back to consciousness
The more I drift away from reality
The deeper I sink into the place of distorted horror
Where static shapes are able to twist and turn
Ears are able to see and smell
Brains are scrambled and tangled
Words are formed but cannot be spoken
Thoughts are burgeoned but cannot be controlled
The venomous voices have all the power
Dare not to feed them with positivity
In darkness they are determined to rule

27/03/2019
Late at night or in the middle of the day,
voices sneak inside this *******-e-d up brain.
They yell and scream till my mind is tore,
making me think, there, is, no, more.

26/03/2019
i feel completely exhausted
i lost the ability to relax
my jaw is always clenched
my muscles are always tense
my mind is always infested
nightmares are haunting my dreams
flashbacks of repressed memories are darkening my waking life
i jump at the drop of a hat
the slightest sudden unexpected sound makes me flinch
anxiety is plaguing my existance

06/03/2019
You have every right to desire it            
             You are selfish for accepting it
Let them take care of you                        
               They should not be bothered
It's okay to be vulnerable                        
                  Dependence is for the weak
Life did not go easy on you                     
               Stop fussing over everything
You are doing the best you can              
               You are nothing but a failure
Be kind to yourself                                   
                                  S-u-c-k it up loser

09/01/2019
i love her
i love her so much
she's everything
i don’t understand it
the feelings that overcome my body
the thoughts that occupy my mind
nothing i have ever experienced
wholeheartedly foreign
whitman said
“we feel the long pulsation, ebb and flow of endless motion”
i never understood it
until she gave it meaning
she entered my life without permission
and intertwined with my story in an instant
nothing else matters
she’s the only thing i can see
all can fall into ruin
i don't care
she's my only pinch of bliss
in this incessant cyclone of turbulence
she transforms the mundane into compelling
hopelessness into safety
darkness into light
all i want is her to be next to me
to hold my hand
and love me
the desire to share everything with her
makes me want to live
makes me not want to die
she's the love of my life
all i ever wanted and dreamt of
i adore every inch of her body and soul
i refuse to be without her
we shall never be apart
i will love her until my dying day

i just hope
she feels the same way

02/01/2019
SimpleWritings Dec 2018
Ma
Inħobbok

Mhux dejjem naraw għajn b’għajn
Imma nħobbok

Naf li dejjem pruvajt mill-aħjar li stajt
Biex tagħtini dak li int qatt ma ngħatajt

Imma sfortunatament mhux dejjem irnexxilek
Il-Mulej mhux dejjem provdilek

Jien qatt m’għidtlek meta nqasstni
Meta bin-nuqqas tiegħek warrabtni

Qatt ma ridt niksirlek qalbek
U ngħidlek li ħadd mhu qed jisma talbek

Imma iva Ma,
Weġġgħajt

Għaddejt minn ħafna u int ma taf b’ xejn
Alla ħares tkun taf kif u x’ fatta u fejn

Bħalek Ma,
Għaddejt minn dak li m’ għandu jgħaddi ħadd

Ġarrabt id-dlam
U bkejt fis-solitudni

Imma issa Ma
Sa fl-ahhar...

Inħoss li sibt il-kuntentizza
Inħoss li qbadt it-trejqa li qed nibni jien

Ma rridx nibqa naħbilek iktar
Għajjejt nigdeb u nħaref

Allura għidtlek

Ma flaħtx inżomm iktar
U għidtlek

Kienet diffiċli għax kont beżgħana
Imma ridt naqsam din l-aħbar ferħana

Stennejt li ser tifhimni
Stennejt li xorta waħda ser tibqa tħobbni

Imma

Ir-reazzjoni tiegħek ma kienetx dik li stennejt
Ma kienetx dik li f’ moħħi pinġejt

Għalfejn Ma?
Għalfejn ma tridnix?
Għalfejn mhux taċċettani?

Għidli Ma

Lil min inħobb ma għandux jaffettwa kemm inti tħobb lili
Lil min inħobb ma għandux inessik li jien xorta waħda bintek

Mara offritli dak li dejjem fittixt
Mara għallmitni nagħraf x’inhi l-imħabba

Mara urietni kif jidher id-dawl fost id-dlam
Mara qed tgħini nsir inħobb lili nnifsi

Iva Ma

Inħobb mara
U mhux raġel

Għalfejn qed tħares lejja b’ dak il-mod Ma?

B’ ħarsa ta’ diżappunt
B’ ħarsa ta’ diżgust

Bintek għadni Ma

L-istess b-i-n-t li kont tgħannaq miegħek
Meta kont tħoss li d-dinja qed tikrolla

L-istess b-i-n-t li kont tiftaħar tgħid li hi tiegħek
Lil kull min taf meta tilmaħni fost il-folla

Ħobbni Ma
Nitolbok

L-istess għadni
Biss, ħrigt mill-moħba

15/10/2018
This poem is written in Maltese.
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