033124

I told you I would no longer write for you —
That I won’t hide it in series of poetry anymore.
I was old enough
And I know it’s no longer trendy
I write you letters but I don’t send it anyways.

I wanna tell you how much I cared
To let you go as God says so
At first, I was so scared losing you
As if you were “mine”
Though I never had this “thing” with you.

Honestly, I was left with no choice at all —
I thought you’ll wait for me
Just like what you’ve promised.
But maybe words were just empty words.

Hey, I’m sorry that you got tired of me
I was crazy to let you go without even confessing.
You’re too early and I was too late
But it’s kinda unfair
Coz I believed everything you said.

I know I hurt you too
Many times, you told me you’re no longer at peace.
I hated myself for hurting you
But I have to let myself heal and bloom once again.

The connection I had with you was different
I thought I’m already “home” when I’m with you.
But I never had the chance to cherish everything…
It was the last time, but I haven’t said anything.

The pain within me was more than my emotions,
You’re not just a piece of me
But being with you for a short span
Was like staying where I want to be.

I had so many questions in my head —
But the answer I get was you moved on already.
Seeing you around makes me forgive you
And leads me to forgive myself too.

I ain’t perfect —
But this connection has lapsed
And I have to leave this page.

I choose You, Jesus
The one who chose me *first

06302021

Saan nga ba tutungo ang mga salita?
Mga salitang mitsa ng mga ngiting abot-langit.
Mga salitang noon pa sana'y nabitawan
Mga salitang matagal na hinintay at ipinagdasal.

May mga alaalang akala ko'y nanatiling abo na.
At sa aking pagbabakasali noo'y
Baka nga kaya pang mag-krus ang mga landas
Sa daang ilang mga ekstranghero na ang nagdaan.

Sa bawat sandalyas na hindi tiyak ang pinagmulan,
Nangusap ang pusong wag muna't maghintay.
At habang nagbibilang ng mga rosas na pula'y
Mayroong nag-iisang puting isinaboy buhat sa kalangitan.

Sambit ko nga'y sana'y sapat na ang mga panahong binilang
Ngunit ang mga pahina sa kalendaryo'y tila ba naglagasan --
Naglagasan nang walang pasabi't
Nag-iwan ng mga luhang nag-uumapaw.

Natuklasan kong sa buhay na minsang ma'y lumilisan,
Minsan di'y may ilang babalik nang kusa.
Gaya ng tagsibol, ay magsisimulang mamulaklak muli
Ang mga rosas na akala kong nahimlay na sa libingan.

“Hold your tears back
For as long as you can…”

Admire your surroundings
And the routine that you’ll grow to miss
And as you wait for your name to be called
You unconsciously reminisce.

****** this final moment
This is your second home
Hug this juncture tight,
Hold it and never let go.

Look out to the audience of strangers
And after scanning the place,
Find the tear filled eyes
That belong to the members
They’ve seen your entire life go by
And to them, this day is a reminder
Of how wings have been attached to a clock
And concluding that in fact, time does fly.

“Again, hold your tears
Please, don’t cry
I wish to come and hold your hand.
I wish I was there too,
But Papa’s watching you
And darling, remember
I’m always proud of you.”

(3/21/14 @xirlleelang)

More harm marked than slander and lies
What a smashed and ruined spirit he had;
Loads of good reasons and purposes die,
Now seeing himself, how loner he is.

Robbing him of courage he call for,
And that something springs from the thoughtless mortal.
Chiming on his ears like a timely sent warning,
Cackling as he falter and fall by his way.

Reaching his limits, he himself a frail one.
That parent of dread and halfhearted work.
Weakening the efforts of artisans clever,
And makes of the toiler an indolent shirk.

If he’ll opt to be a man without a vision,
Someone who ignores the feasible outcome.
Then, wait for the immediate poisoning of the soul you have,
It’ll stifle in infancy if you’ll only allow.

Both hopes and dreams, you’ll see them in debris.
With hatred that’s deep and undying,
For once it is welcomed; it’ll break any man,
Retort the evil spirit by saying ‘I can’.

(12/25/11 @xirlleelang)

030724

Per pause, You speak purpose…
Per cause, so much it’ll cost.

Let me carry Your ark
Let it be on my shoulder
As how You carried the cross
It is mine, but You owned it.

I disowned life,
But You’ve redeemed mine.

I am a Modern Levite
Let me call others
That they’ll know Your vision
Let their ears be open
And hearts be willing.

Oh, hear me, my Lord
In consecration, I allow myself
To submerge in Your eternal grace
In Your presence, make me whole
Shower me with Your anointing.

Oh Lord, pour not the spirit of flesh
But Yours be found in me
Capture me with Your words
My eyes be blind
That I may learn to trust You
And let go completely those trash of the world.

051416

With no words in my heart,
You became the cure of my entity.

And how could I,
a man out of nothing,
a man brought out of shame,
of guilt and pride;
How could I, not give you praise?
How I could I withold freedom
For my long lost soul?
Tell me how.

Why?
Why I'm so still
in pouring out these tears?
Why can't I go to bring to You
the glory that You deserve?
Why death felt secured
on bringing itself to me?
Please tell me, why?

I am to choose between two lanes
Of black and white,
Of greater Light and lesser Darkness.
And I no longer should linger
On the multi-shades of gray,
The color of my past
That disgusting disguise,
That trail of disobedience,
That habitual sin of impurification.
Yes, I will choose.

I am tired,
Tired of resisting the pull of trigger
To finally hold me to eternity,
Yet eternity would meant darkness
If I'd live in and out of that cell in crypt.
I became tired.

I would never find an ending full of laughters,
But of fraud, lies, despise and insult.
I would never find peace of the true North
For once, I preferred the three confusing routes.
So, never is a beginning.

I am healed.
Healing came in to my life,
My wounds were painted with crystal-clear blots,
Of red as stains, a heartbeat of a child.
I paused for a moment
Until moments were brought to halt.
My injury is pain itself,
Yes, it's painful but eyes were so gentle
To screenshot the emerging revival.
Death is cured.

042816

I can taste my bitter tears
And still grasp you with crippled and blemished nails.
You drove me to the depth of my greatest remorse
Even those unpolished task that I used to adjure,
"I must finish you now."

I am unfeigned.
The hair of my eyelids were drippin' and yawning
Like those falling stars I once believed as fraud.
You taught me how to count the sheeps
In order to face tomorrow at full throttle.

My lips were dried mangoes,
Both my hands were held into the fleecy tree.
I feel like floating, and my shroud was a disgrace,
It keeps on covering every disfiguration
And I want some shutters for my disguise.

I wanna die,
Not to face death
But to welcome life.
Once I was fond of fairy tales
Or superheroes or some bed time stories,
Yet the pages were simple scratches,
They're just torn leaves trying to punch my back.

I used to believe in lies,
Until I became a liar.
I am a lie myself,
I'm dying, death isn't me.
I just died, died in Your arms,
*I still believe.

It's hard to surrender
To what and to whom the eyes cannot see
Giving in to something Heavenly
It seems to be risky.

But not risking
Makes you risk every thing
Including your salvation.

They ask,
"Is Hell real?"
"Is Heaven real?"

Faith comes then
By hearing
And hearing the Word;
Will you listen?

In the latter days,
Every white flag shall be seen
Those that are authentic
And sealed and painted with red.

And at the end of the Story
His Story will not be left untold
There're corpses all over
To where bodies might be dying
But we are always alive in Him!

If you're not losing any friends,
You're not growing up.

I saw You,
In the long brown legs
of my daughter –
In her fingers contouring
prayers without words.

I spotted You,
When she fell short
in loads of times.
Across the green field
And rose staggering,
Panting, yet exulting.

You shone and shone
Like a cartwheel of light
From the body
of my auburn and blissful girl.

And, oh,
Without any tears,
I now sob.
My daughter’s sweet bones
Flashing beneath her skin –
Beneath that thin, taut glaze;
Never did I relish this vista,
It’s an illusion.

Some scrabbling feet stilled;
To the sound of my voice,
There, a great purr rumbled.

The shape of You glowing in me,
Your works and miracles alone –
That’s what I yearn for,
For now, it’s only You that I have.

(9/10/13 @xirlleelang)

041118

If life is a journey, would you waste a lifetime?
Sometimes you wonder
Why the journey is much harder than the test itself
But instead of chaining yourself into doubt,
A voice says, “Your free in My arms.”

If life is reliant on Truth, would you trust your own?
And if progress is instant, would you value the process?
Or rather easily change your mind and say,
“This is not what I prayed for.”

When wisdom comes, it’s never by your own
When you grasp for strength but fail to hold on.
Even in your might, hope is still tight
But mercy comes in a white and silky cloak
Where there’re tears in Sky’s eyes.

Sometimes, you don't need to ask God to move the mountains for you;
But ask yourself, “Am I seeking righteousness in God
Or simply zip into pockets the whole Truth?”

Ask God for strength to intervene in your weaknesses
Ask God’s wisdom to overpower your understanding
Ask God to do the only thing He can do
And there, you'll remember God’s promises to You.

Rough copies…
This white-hued piece,
You need to breathe in.

Facades of life,
A sketch of dreams…
Just to be green-minded.

People with visions,
There’s a need of console…
A hindrance for unity.

Those lines that overlap,
Too stiff to be expressed…
But believe… So ideas will be poured.

To purchase a scheme,
More penny to one,
But never underline such.

For hope to last,
Then offer to dole out;
And great you’ll be.

(12/12/12 @xirlleelang)

05022020

I was standing in the middle of worship
People were worshipping God
And everyone was singing.
There’re pairs but they don’t have any relationship
One sings beside the other, one sings alone.

There were two different hymns
Or everyone was just voicing their hearts out
I ain’t a singer and yet I heard my voice good.
And together with others,
The first song I was singing was a heavy song
I was about to kneel,
I was bowing my head.

And there I recognized that many songs are being sung.
I heard someone said from the back,
“Kelan ba papalitan yung kanta?”
I recognized what has been said
But I can't control the words coming from my mouth,
And from the bottom of my heart,
It just felt so natural --
It felt so relieving.

Both of my hands started grasping a railing
As I continued in the spirit of worship.
And then the song changed to an upbeat one
And then to “Hosanna.”

While everyone was singing “Hosanna”
Someone has changed in the atmosphere.
I saw my body gliding and others too
People started coming while I was singing with others.

Some remained walking towards us --
Seeing but they’re only looking at us
But I never heard and seen anyone of them singing.
I was even shocked with myself
Because I was dancing like I was a good dancer
Those who sing also do their dancing
As if we were leading everyone else
But it seems they have another place to go with.

I recognized that they were walking
While I was flying with others.
Then I saw a man who’s also dancing and singing
And he was very good at it
We continued guiding those who are walking.

Then, the scene turned out to be an LRT station
But there was no means of transportation
I saw people strolling beside a platform
On my right side
And they’re somehow stuck
But I saw no reaction from them.

And there was a stair going upwards
It's like in the form of an escalator
I was holding the railing and it was steady
But the steps seemed to be invisible
All I know was: it’s a staircase.

Then I saw the man singing and dancing earlier
Telling the people to raise their hands
And they turned to look like zombies
They were obeying and copying what was instructed to them
And we were all giving them examples
As we do the “arms forward” thing.

Then I heard someone said,
“There’s something wrong,”
And he was pertaining to those people in the platform
They were about to chase a woman
And he pointed her out
And then the dream ended —
The dream ended and as I opened up my eyes,
I found my heartbeat too fast.

You strive diggin’ up my attention,
Is it a bona fide or just wanna dupe around?
Til’ when you’ll bring that to a halt?

‘Turned out to be so awkward,
Spotting you somewhere,
Then have that guts and valor callin’ out my name.

You beamed at me as if others were indiscernible,
Then drop some line,
A sort of your usual approach.

A superhero branded to own self,
W/out your costume, said your zilch
‘And avowed to brawl those imminent risks.

Only just, uttered those words;
Yet ‘found out your soft spot
With that another lass.

‘Said you’re not like other typical chaps,
But own words were gobbled
So, I think it’ll be the last.

It’s unworkable as you are,
Conked out glass, so what now?
----------------------------------

(12/25/11 @xirlleelang)

I would like to run my five fingertips
All over your carnal curves and contours
In every crevice, crack and concavity
In the vast canyons of your brilliant mind.

I would love to dive
Into the ocean of your subconscious
Delve into the deep valleys of your psyche
Spelunking in the caves of your desires.

And uncover the ancient arcane secrets
Hidden in the space
Behind your vibrant eyes.

Let us lay among the old oaks and laugh
Arm in arm, soul in soul,
Floating upon velvet sunsets
On sweetest summer days
Until the oceans dry,
The ground cracks,
And the sun dies,
I will never leave your side.

(12/19/13 @xirlleelang)

112715

Father, blessed be Your Name
You alone are ever victorious in me.

When I try to do things on my own,
You disarmed me with rebukes
And so I never cried alone.

When I almost lose my faith in You,
I learned what's grace and true love came from You.
Your grace, so sufficient
That it made me call Your Name,
Made me sing, "Yahweh, Yahweh."

You answer when I call
And when I ask You to speak to me,
I open up the pages of our unbroken walls.
You taught me that life on earth won't be easy.

You never came for us to have peace,
Sword You have brought to us
That we may stand firm as You return once again.

Lord, if this is what waiting is,
Let me experience You more.
I wanna die to myself,
That You may live in me continually.

I am part of the Body of Christ,
And Your Body is alive
So let me preach to the world
What You told me to utter.

By grace, Lord,
I'll remember.

Jesus, again, thank you so much
For the cross.. for everlasting life.
Coz when you put in my heart what forgiveness You gave,
I also did try to forgive myself too.

Lord, I love You
Less of me, More of You.
Hallelujah!

You saw my back on You
Trying to be strong, concealing every hurt
Every malfunction of the soul.

It was no longer the flesh that has tempted me
I have not tried to escape from the darkest grip of him
I even tied myself up until I gasp for air -
Drowning with sharks and whales who were all in depth.

To breathe normal, to make you famous
I should be doing those
But instead, I became a ******* of the world
I got my back painful, the labor now is in vain
That wasn't your plan
But how could I..
At times delight with the wicked one.

The Words were already engraved in me
I know, how it should be transforming me
All those filthy things I've done
I almost lose myself assessing my own life.

The circumcision was not by hand
But the cross has carried away every hideous act
I myself am *******, how then could I abandon You?

I was baptized in Spirit and in truth
And the thing is: You've payed every debt
To where my soul was about to meet what's hell.

You just told me I'm forgiven
Even though I tried to turn against You for so long
And reminded me how the world would try
Stealing every thing You've taught in me.

The One who is in me is far greater
Than the one who is in the world
That's why You've told me
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I am for promotion
I should be the warrior, not the slave
The conqueror, not the one who grieves for lost
No one and nothing shall disqualify me
Nothing shall distract my focus.

And upon Your teachings
By the help of the Holy Spirit,
I will overcome the world for my generation
For You have been victorious already.

I am forgiven and redeemed
The only thing that would matter now
Was You who was in me
And Your great plans and works in me,
That I may praise and offer my thanksgiving.

(5/29/14 @xirlleelang)

070623

Tumatagos ang mga salitang
Bala ang panimula
Balang araw ay yuyukod sa katapusan
Katapusang hindi tuldok ang pagsasalaysay…

Pipiglasin ang mga kandadong walang susi,
Kandong ang kahapong nilimot at nilumot…
Babangon matapos ang paghikbi
Hikbing bangungot sa pagpatay-sindi…

Ikaw ang mananatiling saksi sa aking paglisan..
Walang paalam maging sa gunita ng bukas at kahapon.
Walang kulay na babahagian
Ng liwanag na taglay ko’t iniirog.

Ang iyong akap ang aking baluti
Habang ang sandata ko’y
Bumabara pa sa aking lalamunan.
Ngunit sa pagsiping ng mga tala
Sa kalangitang panatag ang panayam
Ay Walang kukurap maging sa isang idlap lamang.

Ang sigaw na sumisingaw hanggang sa kalawakan
Ay tila pa ilang dipa na lamang
Sa pagitan ng mga segundong
Nagkakandarapang magsipagtagisan…
At ang silakbo ng damdaming moog sa kaloob-looba’y
Bukas ay wala ring katapusan at panimula.

090216

As for me and my house,
We will serve the Lord.
We will build a home,
A home that once built me,
A home that I dream to build us.

Let me hold fast to you as we shall be one
And I will not be ashamed,
For I will be with you in both spirit and truth.

The Lord has fit us together, I am your helper (Gen 2:18)
I was brought to you, from the rib that was taken from you (V. 22).

I will walk in love as Christ loved us
And gave himself up, what a fragrant offering! (Eph 5:2)
I will submit to you as to the Lord (V. 22)
Love me as you love the Church, the Bride of Christ (V. 25).
Let me be washed of water w/ His words
That He may sanctify me (V. 26)
Let me respect you as you love me as your wife. (V. 33)

010120

Let me not forget where I indeed came from —
That even the blood that runs within me
Was a choice of my Father in Heaven
Who answers my cry and filters even my deepest thoughts.

Let me not forget how my parents worked hard for us to move forward,
That I may be grateful to my ancestors (elders in the family)
For paving the way for us to believe
In Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

For as I ponder throughout my days,
It’s like God revealing to me,
“Anak, be faithful in your days
For your generation will benefit
From both your actions and choices”
And so, what can I do away from the Lord?

Let me not forget how the good Lord
Has brought my parents from Romblon to Palawan by His purpose and will.
Their step of faith was a domino-effect
For us to see the glory of God in the time of our encounter —
The revealing of His power and His identity in us.

Let me value even the days that are still unknown to me
The past where they grind for a living —
How they enjoyed walkin’ going to school
And bartering products for school supplies.

God heard their desire not to simply graduate
But granted them land jobs
To which I believe God is glorified.
They tasted being the first generation Christians
For us to experience breakthroughs
Together with the Lord while being patient in His time.

Never did they allow poverty to hold them back
From what the Lord has openly bestowed for us.
We are never rich in material things
But they have instilled in us
The greatest thing we must possess in life
And that is our relationship with Jesus.

Let me not forget how He has lifted my generation (my clan)
To succeed while relying on His Word & sovereignty.
And so during these past few days,
I’ve witnessed how His favor showered
Every member of our clan —
All I can say is praise be to our God!
That wherever we are led,
We’d keep in mind that He is watching over us
And He is always after saving our entire generation.

Let me always rejoice in the Lord
Even in tests & trials of life.
That everything is in His hands
And we are safe in Him.
All the glory and honor of Jesus Christ,
You are the beginning and the end!
In 2020, do reign in our hearts!