The shadows
They follow me
Trapped in my own coffin
Of what others call my mind
I do see the light of day
Yet I choose to ignore it
I see the people around me
But I still stay where I am
I get moments of hope
When I feel like I'm strong once again
But then you disappear
And my pillars of strength come tumbling down
I feel so weak
And so worthless
I wonder if I'm good enough
I wonder if you'll say
I wonder if fear will win again
I wonder if you think of me the same
I wonder if you can handle my life
I wonder if you will truly love me
Or will you just leave like the others?

Lost within the voices
Is my will
Lost within the memories
Is my strength
Lost within the darkness
Is my light
Lost within the deepest cuts
Is my bittersweet life

Without you I'm numb
I'm dead inside
I'm lonely
I lost my best friend

Without you I'm blank
I'm not my self
And I'll never be again

I want you back
I need you here
By my side here again

Please come back
We all miss you

Why so soon?
You where gone too young
Left us all so early

Your life is now gone
All that's left is memories
And that's all that's left of me

When I look in the mirror
I lay my eyes on a terrible sight
An image so horrendous
It brings tears to my eyes

They all say "Honey, You're Beautiful!"
To which I pretend to agree
They all say "Please don't listen to anyone who says otherwise."
But then I ask my self,
Why would I ignore the people who are truthful?

My face is a mess
It's full of all kinds of red marks
My chest is so flat
It's almost like I'm a guy
My stomach is gross
I'm not skinny like those other girls
My thighs repulse me
They're full of scars and are way to big

So when I look in the mirror
I say to my self
"Why can't I be perfect?"
"Or even just a little bit prettier?"
I ask my self why people lie to me
They give me compliments
That are obvious lies

My boyfriend say "Babe you're perfect!"
To which I reply "Haha sure thanks"
He thinks I'm just modest
But if only he saw what I see
He would be repulsed
He'd flee the scene

My best friend
She says "I wish I was as pretty as you."
Until then I never understood
I guess friendships really are built on lies

The number that I see on the scale
Is much too high for me to bare
The size of my pants
Is much too big for me to handle
The size of my bra
Is much to small for me to feel proud

So off I go
Look up new dieting fads
Promising my self I'll make my self better
But as I know
I'll soon stop trying
And begin the cycle anew
But for now I'll try
Just skip a couple more meals
Maybe this time I can do it

Be perfect in my eyes...
Not disgusting.

How do I reply
When asked the question
Of what is true beauty?

I can't seem to answer
It's not because I don't know
Nor that I'm unsure.

How can you put words to real beauty?
Real beauty is a feeling.
An emotion that dwells in the heart.

Like the music notes to musicians.
Like paint to an artist.
Or words to a poet.

As well as that smile of a partner.
The laugh of a small child.
Or the joyous tears of a precious moment.

True beauty is based on one's desires.
Like my desire to make my world,
Built out of words and poems.

Coloring the world
With the black and white hues
Of letters typed out on a screen.

So when asked what is true beauty,
There's only one true answer...

Just look into your heart.

Here's to THOSE nights
When you lay awake
When it's 4 am
And all you can do is let your mind wander

Here's to THOSE nights
When you lay completely still. Thinking.
When you can't help but think of the worst
And you can feel the pain in your chest

Here's to THOSE nights
When you can't help but cry
When the pain becomes too much
And your pillow is soaked in your tears

Here's to THOSE nights
When I'm missing those times
When you held me so tight
And told me it'd be ok

Here's to THOSE nights
When your thoughts are racing
When you toss and turn in bed
And you can't help but feel tired of breathing

Here's to THOSE nights
When you think things couldn't get worse
When you think happy is impossible
And life is no longer worth the fight

Here's to THOSE nights....
When you hit rock bottom

Darkness enveloped
Yet I still broke through
Never again to slip back
I just keep pushing on
I am strong now
Nothing can bring me down
I am a fighter
I am a winner
I am able to truthfully smile
With out a constant burden
No weight on my shoulders
Now I can breathe freely
But most importantly...
I am me again

Have you ever felt so utterly empty
That you can't even do what you do best
Words don't flow onto the page as they should

Have you ever felt so utterly hopeless
That you can't even get out of bed
Your lungs don't even seem to want to work

Have you ever felt so utterly worthless
That you can't even take a strangers compliment
Let alone even think of loving yourself

Have you ever felt so utterly alone
Even though you're in a room full of people
You just seem invisible to all that is there

Have you ever felt so utterly disgusting
That you cringe at the sight of your own picture
And can't seem to look at yourself in the mirror

This is how I've felt..... For the past 4 years

My life
A meaningless nothing
Tired of the faking and the lies
My family torn apart, shredded
My grandma just a mere memory
Tired of holing it in
Holding it back
The tears well up as I lay in my bed
Wishing for death
Wanting to end the pain
The light burns, kills
Shows me no mercy
Wishing for my life to end
I've been betrayed, cheated
And lied to
By my love
My life
My only source of laughter
My only pain relief
The world is so cruel
The light eats at me
Inside and out
People ask, wonder, question
Why I am who I am
They look with judging eyes
Not seeing the real me hidden deep inside
The little girl I am
Colorful and joyful
Hidden dormant
Forced to come out and play
Contemplating...
Drugs, blades, bullets, rope?
So many to choose from
As I hold a razor prepared to cut
I think back to my days as a child
Life was so simple as a kid
Then I go numb again
No longer able to feel
I go black with the pain that I feel

My emotions overwhelm me
My mind is racing again
With thoughts of the way your eyes light up when you smile at me
And with thoughts on how it all can fall apart.
My past has ruined me
But you have the power to repair whats broken.
Im scared my past will become my present
And you'll disappear just as the others have.
I'm trying to have faith
That maybe you're my prince charming
My knight in shinning armor
The one to pull me out of my pit.
How can one care so much for something so broken?
You're my secondhand seranade.
My heart is racing again
As it always is when you're on my mind.
I hope with all me heart you're my beginning
Of the end of all my dark days.
I wish to spill my guts to you
For you to see my nasty insides.
But I'm waiting.
Waiting for my trust to be cconfirmed.
Until then I'll take pen to paper
And write to an imaginary you.
Love songs and sappy quotes
Is what your name means to me.
Synonymous to hope and happiness.
Even now I'm afraid that I won't be able to let go.
They say third times the charm.
But luck hasn't been my best friend.
Yet here I am letting it all go
Lett.

Update: while I was writing this the person it was about ironically left me. Kinda funny how the world works. So I'll leave it be. Let it grow a deeper meaning. Symbolize the irony in everyday.

I sit here at night
Left only with the thought of you
The pain in my chest
It seems to spread

I sit here at night
Wanting to grab that bottle of pills
Yet knowing I can't let you down
Even though temptation is like a knife

I sit here at night
Wishing I could lock myself away
And sit with the company of my razor
But knowing I can't throw my streak away

I sit here at night
Longing for a big bottle of *****
Just to wash away the tears
But I know I can't be a mess

Still all I want to do is...
Just Drink Life Away

Feelings
Emotions
Lingering still

Taunting
Teasing
Making life hell

Cutting
Bleeding
Another scar for the count

Thinking
Contemplating
Thoughts of death

Waiting
Wanting
When is the end?

Breathing
Sinking
As the water rises

Drowning
Ending
It's finally all over

Then, I return to reality
To find my self searching...
The possibilities.

Summer was a blast
My deepest desires to bring those times back
With me in your arms
And the sun at our backs

Never wanting to let go
Now I can only look back
Memories are the only thing left of me and you
Can I go into the past?

Now your smiles haunt me
How could they ever make me happy?
When they dig up the past
The thought of a happy ending
Just doesn't seem to be

Now look me in the eyes
Would you believe me if I said...
I love you?

I could write a poem about flowers & sunshine,
But there is this boy & I know that he's all mine.

His smile my world,
It makes me a very happy girl.

He lets me be me,
Since there's no other way I'd rather be.

He makes my heart race,
At an irregular pace.

He makes my heart skip a beat,
And when I'm around him I can't help but feel complete.

Memories like ashes
Burnt in my mind
So many questions
Left without answers
Time slows down
Leaves me in pieces
I think sad thoughts
Thinking that maybe you could have stayed
If only I held on too tight

I lost all my will
All my will to fight
These memories will be burnt like ashes
In the silence of the dead night
Solitary tears fall
The scars on the outside heal
Yet the ones on the inside cut deeper
The pain is enough
Enough to stop my breathing
During my last breaths
I can't help but think
Maybe you would have stayed
If only I would have held on too tight

Love is lost
Love is gone
Hope is fading
Hope is dissipating
Faith has disappeared
Faith has changed
Faith has disappeared
Hope is dissipating
Hope is fading
Love is gone
Love is lost

My brain stops working
My heart stops beating
My lungs, they stop breathing
I stop hurting
I stop thinking
Finally I stop living

Why can't you see all that you've done?
Those memories... They're all but gone.
You're torn me apart, made my days hell.
Sure you made me come out, but now I'm back in my shell.

Cut by cut
The blood drips down
Pill by pill
My eyelids get heavy
Word by word
You have slowly killed me

But yet.......

I still love you.

My life
A void
My voice
Erased
My sight
Blurred
My senses
Dulled
My tear
Run
My fear
Increased
My sorrow
A bottomless pit
My cut
Deep
My smile
Fake
My laughter
Forced
My life
Has gone black

All I see is black
All I feel is numb
All I taste is fear
All I hear is voices

I am gone
I am dead
I am no longer here
I am reduced to nothing

I must hide
I must not show
I must push on
I must smile

It may be fake
It may be forced
It may be pretend
It may not be meaningful

But at least I try to go on

Sinking back in my hole...
Living a life of regret
Those thoughts rushing back...
Losing my identity
Who am I?
Why am I still here?
What keeps me breathing?
When will I break?
Where do I go?
All these thoughts ring in my head
But why?
I didn't do anything
So why do I still suffer?
Then it all comes back to me
Well of course
This...
This is my beautiful suicide