It’ll all come full circle

You’ll get a glimpse of every emotion

Pondering your existence over the vastness of the ocean

Casting light onto the notion that you’re a victim of your identity

That you are a product of your thought, and that thought was not a remedy

To what you sought.

It drew you deeper in delusion

A fixed state of confusion

Brought you no resolution

And now you stare within the present through the lens of the past

And realize, not a thing, in this life will ever last

Earnest eyes, rewarding lips

I love the way you treat my kiss

Bold attitude, untold devotion

I drink from the bottle of your condescending potion

↣

I’m standing on two feet alas

Only to bend back over

To feel the mastery in your grasp

And the protection in your hover

↣

Your bed is my favorite reality

Moving up and down, face to face

This is the recovery period

For the inconvenience of time and space

↣

I’ll be your girl til the end of the world

So long as it spins on its axis

I’ll tuck you into bed and put kisses on your head

So long as faith in each other is practiced

↣

I’ll be your little minx until you leave us to dissipate

in a battle lost between the cracks

Of what’s ahead and waiting for us,

and what we cannot take back

↣

I’ll stay as feeble and ready to mold

to the circumstances of your trust

To function formally under your arms

in the disease that I call lust

Look at me like I'm nothing so that I show you more respect
You want me? then show me just a little more neglect
Forgive me- I want the worst of you
When you try and give me the best
I fell in love with a man who treated me like the rest
Question my validity
Like they did
Question my abilities
I'm just a little kid
Question my behavior
It's so out of line
Question how much I accomplish
In a certain amount of time
Question my foundation as it crumbles to the floor
Question your instincts
Do you even like me anymore?
Look at my fat
And turn away during ***
Ask me if I want food
I'll politely reject
Yell at me when I stutter
Correct me when I'm dumb
Make me feel like I'm drowning at the bottom of the ocean with water filling up my lungs
Cuz that's what they've done
And now this is who I am
A person who can't distinguish
Love from a demand
So I don't want to take your hand
It's too kind, too foreign
Point out my flaws
Or I'll keep on exploring

you were just a teen

but i was less than that

i was so confused on how to act

i looked at you and your long blonde hair

and somehow found myself in there.



your confusion left me feeling sure

your hand in mine, i felt secure

and I know it must’ve hurt that
all people wanted was
more more more


and-
i know you never needed anyone

after you lost your drug

but when a relationship dies, death still can’t conquer love

and love was all around you

but you purposely sought out hate

inhaled it down, held it in,

and for once, i couldn’t relate


i watched you plan your fate

through your destruction and watched you spiral

and when i went to pull you out

you let out this sickly smile

as if begging me to let you be

convincing yourself this was your destiny

as if pain in these doses was keeping you alive

who was this person i saw inside?



and all those times you attacked me with your eyes

and all those times you had me stuck in your lines

you were just ******* with our minds

cuz you enjoyed this maniacal ride



i still
would
reach for your hand

to bring you back,
it was always my plan

but with walls so thick and made of stone

to save you, i learned, i had to leave you alone.

What are you really trying to say?
Don't doubt it, just write it
What are you really trying to say?
Let it come, don't fight it
What are you really trying to say?
There's a thought that pays you a visit
What are you really trying to say?
Relax, and just listen.
What are you really trying to say?
About what stirs you inside
What are you really trying to say?
You better say it while you're alive
What are you really trying to say?
Your silence is misleading
What are you really trying to say?
On your search for meaning
What are you really trying to say?
As the fear holds you back
What are you really trying to say?
As you think about failure, or the lack
What are you really trying to say?
As you picture the outcome
What are you really trying to say?
Every time you back down
What are you really trying to say?
As its gnawing at your throat
What are you really trying to say?
When you decide that you won't

my conscious hand extends out into the air
suspended over his back
the night has fallen, the birds won't be calling
until the morning comes to attack

he might be asleep, but his aura is mindful
the bed feels half its size
the blanket that surrounds his body
barely graces my thigh

I'm trying not to breathe, I'm trying not to be
because i'm sleeping next to a fuse
nothing feels natural about this
like swimming in a pool with both of your shoes

my knee bumps a place on his thigh
and now i hold my breath all-together
as uncomfortable as i would be in the texas heat
wrapped in a woolen sweater

what a tragic accident
i reminded him i was there
when he was in route to a place
of being blissfully unaware

we're too close for being so far apart
though it's beating next to me, where is his heart?
our love found its passport and traveled on
these inches should be miles,
how much longer til we're gone

Knowing there's nothing waiting at the end of the line
No phone call to lift me, no arms to fall in mine
That there's a great big sky and everyone underneath
Seeks refuge in the shelter of the company that they keep
This isolation is icy, and hard to conceive
Knowing I'll never know what it is I seek
Is it comfort, is it contentment, is it knowing that I'm not alone
Is it feeding an illusion or creating the concept of home
Is it elevation of the mind, adrenalin through the heart
Soaring so high just to fall apart
We're soaring so high just to fall apart.
And yet we try and try again, because it's all we know so far

He closed me up like a book, n I mistook his values for my own.
He had an image he wouldn't abandon n derived pride in being grown.
I wanted to live in his castle so I helped him on to his throne
His world felt safe, so when he opened his gates, I no longer felt alone.

Future happiness - dictated his life,
turning 30 - made him think of a wife.
So when I cooked I was judged,
and when I cleaned I felt loved,
but when I drank- I was a child,
the mom of his kids couldn't act wild.

I was walking on egg shells and picking up the pieces
I covered up the remnants so he couldn't find any reasons - to leave me. Or not believe me.
I wanted him to think I knew what I was doing.
My life's purpose became convincing him that I was worth pursuing.

And I grew so content in his world of requirements,
cuz I thought if he could love me I was - doing alright since -
I didn't feel the scabs of my insecurities anymore,
they all seemed to itch less when he walked through the door,
and said I love you.

Why his validation made me feel like I was whole,
or why his arms tasted like home- I'll never know.
But the way he saw the world and his opinions of me,
contorted and distorted the world that I perceive,
and now I find that I'm scared to live by my own rules,
cuz I know it's not the path that he would choose.

I don't recognize these shoes; the ones that I walk in.
I don't hear my own voice cuz he did all the talking.
I don't trust my own gut cuz he did all the thinking.
I don't remember how to tread cuz I'm so used to sinking.

i think I'm going to bury you
i've given you too much time
i think i'm done hurting now
or feeding this grief of mine

i think i'm done being bitter
and holding this spite inside
despite your lack of compassion  
that no longer exists at this point in time

i think I'm done being angry
and drinking from the stream of your disdain
i don't deserve to be locked inside
this narrow perception in your brain

and i'm drained from this drought in my system
from letting you feed from the well of my kindness
when you give me nothing, nothing at all
but a hollow perception of blindness

i'm going to bury you
deep in the garden
and watch you blend with the dirt
there you can lay, bare the rain and decay
And i will no longer hurt.

Where did I lose you 
When did you drop me
How did you love me
Then stop so abruptly 
After you touched me
After all we've been through
Why don't you love me when I'm aching for you

we are standing on a line
that divides doubt from truth
insecurity from exposure
our wisdom from our youth

old patterns are breaking
and shattering at our feet
we are standing between the line
of victory and defeat

and as we rock back and forth
on the point of no return
we will hug a little tighter
or say goodbye and learn

but i could dance with you forever
on the other side
where our fears are left behind
and we allow the course of time

to take us one step closer
baby use your eyes
I'm not wavering to hurt you
or tell you any lies

to be one step closer
your body over mine
my fingers on your spine
our intentions intertwined

with one step closer
my heart will explode
I'll take that chance to tell you
what doesn't need to be told

he wants the parts of me

that you covered with dirt

that you attempted to bury

as you sentenced my worth

↣

back when i would carry

the weight of your delusions

opening my heart

to a torrent of pollution

↣

and I have righteously concluded

that I don’t need to be a victim

of asking for permission

and condoning such convictions

↣

any more.

always working with precision

always living for your visions

and seeking your revisions

↣

i won’t walk around your shells

to stay as a guest in hotel hell

anymore.

↣

there’s no chance for our revival.

you're not an element to my survival

your presence was never vital

look at my face - now watch it smile


Goodbye, child.

why can't my heart just be there
ready for a new pair of eyes
to stare at me while i make love
to a not so familiar guy

why can't my heart let go
why can't it just PICK UP and go
i'd follow it anywhere
but here i am, giving it a tow!

cuz it won't move.

my heart is a complacent creature
doesn't it know that change is the most
amazing and exciting feature

of life????

but no, my heart has to make life harder
and decide that it wants to feel like i'm not making a smarter
decision than it

heart- i know what's best
he wasn't the one for you
and even if he was, you deserve a rest!

you're just torturing us!
you gained like 500 pounds
i'd rather be pregnant for months on end
than carry your weight around

and i don't understand!
why can't you just be strong?
why should i have to pull you along?
you're supposed to sing MY song

you're supposed to feel how i want to feel
you're supposed to follow my act
but you're being selfish and immature
this is not how we decided to react!

so fine. I'm about to leave you on the road
i'm about to carve you out of my body
and I won't hear you screaming sorry!

because it'll be too late
i'll be numb
i won't feel a thing

i won't feel the hurt
i won't feel the sting

i won't feel a thing

i won't feel the breeze
no more emotion to bring me down on my knees

no more worry, life will be fun
cuz they'll be no more anything
i'll just be numb.

go badger someone else
i'm sure they'll take you in
you're great at manipulation
making us crazy from within

but I'm not taking it anymore
i'm taking a stand
instead i'll just go numb
when someone holds my hand